by M. R. Joseph
I open the door and the cold air rushes in against my skin and into my heart. I can't do this to myself anymore. I’m not going to win this. She doesn't want me. I have to walk away from it all. Away from everything. I was crazy to do all the things I’ve done in the last six months. Moving from here to be closer to her, changing my way of thinking, trying to get her to fall in love with me again. She made her decision a long time ago.
"I want you to be happy, Harlow. I really want that for you. If that guy can give you happiness and can give you what I can't, then I’ve done all I can do. Just know I love you. I think I'll always love you. You'll always be in my heart. I fell in love with you right here. Sandy Cove brought us together more than once, but I have to give my heart a chance to be with someone who wants what I can do for them, not what I can give to them."
I go next door and grab my keys. I shut the lights and the heat off and make my way to my car. I want her to run out of that house and stop me from walking away. I want her to tell me she chooses me. I want her to tell me that a life with me is what she wants. That it will be enough. I’m so afraid to look back up to the house because if I see her looking out that window, I'd go right back up and get her, and if the house is dark, that makes me even more scared.
I look.
Darkness.
As I drive down Barnacle Lane, I know in my head and in my heart this will be the last time I’m here and as I see the You are now leaving Sandy Cove sign, I know I’m leaving...for good.
CHAPTER 18
Decisions
Harlow~
I’ve had to make so many decisions in my short twenty-three years of life. Where to go to college, what I was going to do about Chad and his constant cheating, what to do about my pregnancy, and how I was going to end my life. The decisions I made after that were ones that my heart had to make. Not that my heart didn't help make the others, but falling in love with someone new, yes, my heart was all in. I made the decision to get on that boat with Chad that day. I constantly ask myself why, and maybe someday I will have the answer to that. For now, I think about the what ifs. What if I stood there and listened to Cruz's explanation of why he broke it off with me the way he did? I would have forgiven him I think, knowing what my grandmother did. What if when my memory started to return I didn't tell him sooner? What if I never met Daniel? What if I told Daniel about Cruz right away, as soon as I began to remember?
What if.
What if.
What if.
I can ask myself that a thousand times and the same answer comes up.
I don't have one. I have no answers.
This is my fate and I have to learn how to deal with it and accept it.
It's been almost a month since Cruz took me to Sandy Cove and then walked out of my life. He moved out of Craw's, quit school, quit North Ridge Police Department, and no one has seen or heard from him. Not Max, not Porter, no one. I called Bella but she just told me he needs time but is okay. She just couldn't tell me where he is. I’ve cried every day since he walked out that door. I don't blame him. I gave him no reason to stay. I’ve hurt him time and time again and all he did was love me and I’m probably the world's biggest fool. I miss him. His absence hurts more than I thought it would. But I deserved the pain.
Daniel went to England for the Christmas holiday. After the incident at school, I told him everything. Every last detail of the relationship Cruz and I shared. He understood about what happened afterward. He said he felt bad for Cruz that I didn't remember, but didn't understand why I kept it all from him. He didn't understand why I didn't tell him when I started to remember.
He also told me he needed time.
After that, in school, Daniel didn't make surprise visits to my classroom for stupid things like erasers or pencils. He didn't even eat in the lunchroom with us. I would walk by his classroom and he would look up briefly from his desk, see it was me, and bury his head back into his work. He sent me a text on Christmas wishing me a merry one and that we would talk upon his return to the States.
I spent New Year's with my family. Willow and Thea went to Sandy Cove. There was a party at Jax. I couldn't go there. Way too many memories that I knew I couldn't handle. I spent a nice, quiet night with my parents, Greta, Jeff, and baby Avery. Craw took Ally out to dinner. She didn't go to England with Daniel. I don't think my brother is too happy with me right now and I hate it. I really hate it that he's really not talking to me. He's my best friend and I know he's caught up in this new love affair he has going on with Ally and I’m so happy for him, I really am.
At least someone is happy.
***
"You look like shit. You're too skinny, and did you have a fight with the people at the MAC counter at the mall because you haven't worn a stitch of makeup in weeks."
I look up at Willow from my beer.
"What does it matter anyway? Not like I have to look good for anyone else but myself."
People walk in and out of The Barn and pass by our table and say hi. I am being rude to the people we know by only offering small waves but I don't care. I’m not in the mood to talk or be social, but Willow dragged my ass out of my house on our last day of winter break.
"I dig this Virginia Woolf, depressive motif you've got going on, Har. It's really becoming of you." She sits back in the booth and crosses her arms.
"I don't care, Willow. You wanted me out, I didn't want to come, so this is what you get."
"Well, snap the hell out of it. I’m sick of it. You've been moping around here for the past month. Yeah, you know what, everything is fucked up right now. I’m not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass and tell you everything is going to be okay."
I start to get up from the table ’cause I really don't want to sit here and be ridiculed for my decisions.
She grabs my hand and pulls me down pointing to my seat.
"Sit. Don't you dare move. I kicked your ass in sixth grade and I'll do it again."
I motion to out waitress for another drink. Maybe getting shit faced will help me deal with what she's going to say to me.
"I’ve spent the better part of three years telling you that everything is going to be okay: things with Chad were going to be okay, after you decided to end your pregnancy you were going to be okay, after you tried to kill yourself. Shall I go on?"
I shake my head, no.
"I don't need reminding, Willow. But can you imagine what my life has been like these past months? Do have any idea how many times I’ve run it through my head over and over again. I should have told Cruz I remembered. I should have told Daniel about Cruz. I should have done lots of things differently, but I didn't."
"Listen, Har. Some things in life we can control, others we can't. You can't go back and change what happened. Am I going to sit here and tell you that everything is going to be okay? No, I can't do that because this time I truly don't know."
Willow Taylor has always told me the truth. A friend like that is rare and precious. They are one of a kind. Her honesty and her integrity is what I admire most about her. I wish I were more like her.
And she's right.
"I agree." Her eyes pop out of her head.
"You do?"
I nod. "Yes. You're right. I should have told Daniel and Cruz the truth. I should have been honest with them both. The course of my own actions has brought me to this point. I know I’ve lost Cruz, and I’m pretty sure that once Daniel comes back, I'll lose him, too."
"You don't know that, Har. I mean, are you looking for the happily ever after or you going to just roll with the punches?"
That’s a question I have thought about for a long time now. I found love and lost love. I fell in love with two people and lost them both. One has definitely left me, and one is just in limbo.
"I want the HEA, Wills. I just don't think I’m going to get it.” My tears fall again and I think back to all I have been through. I never asked for this. I never asked to fall for someone when deep inside my soul I loved someone el
se. It’s not fair. Some things in my life I asked for. I let happen. I let Chad own me. That resulted in terminating a pregnancy nearly ending my life and making me barren. As much as I wanted to be a teacher my whole life, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be the kind of mom mine is. She is the reason I wanted motherhood. Then, my parents. They’re the reason why I want to love one person for the rest of my life. There are no better role models than them. Sometimes I feel hopeless. Like there’s nothing left to look forward to. I’m angry. I’m angry at Chad, I’m angry I made the decision to get on that boat. I’m angry I didn’t give Cruz the chance to explain how he really felt that day before I stepped onto that boat. I’m angry that this brain of mine ruined all the happiness I could possess, and in the process hurt two amazing men. I’m just angry.
I sigh and rest my elbow on the table, head in my hand. "I’m not giving up on the idea of a happily ever after; someday it will happen. As hopeless as I feel right now, I know I’ll find it. Someday." I hope I do, anyway.
***
I sit alone in my house. I flip on the TV and find some stupid reality show on. I pull my blanket up to my neck and snuggle in my sofa. As I feel myself doze, a knock at my door startles me out of my sleepiness.
It's late.
I look out the side window and it's Daniel.
Shit!
I open the door slowly and he stands there, his arm resting on the frame and when he sees me, his face is stoic but his eyes tell me he's glad to see me.
"Daniel, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming back till tomorrow?"
"I took an earlier flight, got in this afternoon. May I come in?"
I hold the door open and let him past.
"Can I...get you something?" I motion for him to sit.
"No, thank you. I’m a bit jet lagged so I’m not going to stay long."
I’ve prepared myself for this, for his return. I know he's going to tell me it's over and I'll have to accept it and move on. I have no other choice. The possibility of Cruz and I is gone. “So how was your holiday? How’s Henry?"
He looks nervous and uncomfortable and me making small talk doesn't ease the tension in this room.
"Holiday was fun. It was good to see Em's father, and Henry was joyful as usual."
"That sounds great."
"Listen, Harlow, the reason I’m here is not to tell you how my holiday was. I need to talk to you about us."
I take a seat because my knees suddenly feel weak and my stomach in knots from him saying the word 'us'.
"Daniel, I know I’ve apologized often, and again, I’m sorry I didn't tell you about Cruz. I was confused and still am. You didn't deserve to find out the way you did. It wasn't fair to you."
"Damn right it wasn't." His voice is stern. He leans his elbows on his knees and clasps his hand together holding them there.
"Daniel, I…I don't know what to say. I know it's over and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I'll regret forever that I hurt you. I care about you and Henry so much and this was my own doing."
"Is that what you think? That it's over between us? Harlow, I just needed some time to get my head around everything. I fell in love with you, Harlow. Do you even know what kind of pull you have on me? How every second I was away you were all I thought about?"
"What? But I thought?"
"You thought wrong. You don't think things through, do you? You think everyone just gives up and moves along? That's not how I work through things. I don't give up on the things that matter.”
And then I think about Cruz. He’s the same. He didn’t give up on me until I successfully forced him to.
I stay silent, letting Daniel's words sink in. He wants us.
"Daniel, how can you when I didn't tell you the truth? I loved someone else and I didn't tell you. I slept with you, told you I was falling in love with you. I fell in love with your kid and you still want there to be an us?"
He rises from the sofa, comes over to me, and cups my face in his hands.
"Is he going to be in your life? Do you want him, ’cause if you do, I'll walk out that door and I won't look back."
"He's not in my life anymore. He walked away. I haven't heard from him since after Thanksgiving. He won't be coming back."
"Do you still love him?"
I turn away from his touch and wrap my arms around myself.
"Daniel, I don't…I can't tell you that. He's gone and it doesn't matter anyway."
"That's not what I asked you, Harlow. Do.You.Still.Love.Him?"
With my eyes brimming with tears and I tell the truth, I tell Daniel the truth.
"Daniel, he sat by my bedside for six weeks when I was in that coma. He loved me and sacrificed so much of his own life for mine and I didn't even know it. When I did realize it and my memory came back, it confused me because I had already developed feelings for you. It was hard for me to accept that I loved him, but I did. Do I love him? Yes, I think I always will. I caused him to walk away and I can't go back and change that."
I just look at him standing in my living room. There's no expression of anger or pain from my confession. I have no idea if he's going to walk out that door meaning I'll never see him again.
He comes to me and grabs my hand, brings it up to his lips and kisses it…and he's going to leave.
"Harlow, I want you if he's out of your life. I can accept that you will always love him, I respect that, but I want a shot at making you happy. I want the 'us', I want to try and make this work." His lips come down to meet mine. My body is shaky as I feel every bit of love he has for me in his kiss. I pull away.
"Are you sure? I’m so scared I won't be able to give you my whole heart. What if I can't? What if I screw it all up? I don't want to hurt you." He smiles at me with budding confidence.
"I’m willing to take the risk. I’m willing to try and make this work. Sometimes in life there are things we have to risk. I risked coming here to start a new life with my son, I met you and fell in love with you, and whenever you fall in love, you earn the right to take the risk."
"And you want to take the risk with me?"
He throws his head back and laughs.
"Yeah, I do. I can't imagine not."
I hug him back, feeling safe in his arms and thinking about this as a fresh start, a clean slate. Maybe I can find my happy.
He pulls his body away and takes my face in his hands, looking into my eyes.
"I want a fresh start. I want to start again and do it with you. When I was back home, I made a decision. I want to move back to England, to teach, and have Henry closer to Em's dad, and well...I want you to come with me. Say you'll come with me."
Life is full of decisions and just when you think life can't give you anymore to make, a curveball is thrown at you and you have to weigh the pros and cons. Do you sit here and keep thinking about the “what ifs” or do you take the risks and see where life is going to take you? Do you stick on the big-girl panties and try and push your past aside, or do you let it the “what ifs” consume you day and night. Decisions will affect your life and other’s lives in so many ways. Good or bad. It's just trying to decide which way they will eventually take you. What decisions you will make.
CHAPTER 19
Intervention
Cruz~
3 months later
Working for Bella's dad's construction company isn't all bad. It's manual labor. I’m helping to construct homes in a neighborhood near the local Children's Hospital for out-of-town families whose children are there long term. They'll have free housing while their child is treated or hospitalized for extended periods of time. Kind of makes me feel good in a way—helping out. Feels like forever since I’ve done something good.
The winter months were brutal. I slept on Tony and Bella's couch in January and most of February. I got rid of my phone after the thousands of texts from the guys asking where I was, and what happened between Harlow and me. I even got texts from Thea and Willow. Willow's texts I could use as evidence against her in
a court of law for threatening me with murder and castration. Thea's were for me to fight for her if I loved her enough.
I did love her enough, though. See, that's the thing. I gave her everything. I offered her my everything and it wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough.
I smashed my phone with a sledgehammer, yeah, a sledgehammer, the day Harlow finally called Bella to ask where I was and if I were okay. I stood there in the kitchen when she was on the phone with her. I tried my best to not let it affect me. Bella kept telling her I was fine and that she couldn't tell her where I was out of respect for me. I asked her to do that and she found it hard to do. She knows what I would have done for Harlow, she knows what we shared, and she hated lying to her. After that call, I smashed it to match my heart. In a thousand pieces.
I know it's wrong not to call Max and Porter back. They've called the house. Bella just tells them I’m okay and she can't tell them where I am. Same story, different people to tell it to. They are pissed beyond belief, but I just need a clean break. It's the wrong way to handle it, I know this, but they will ask me questions and I don't want to rehash it all. I'll be forced to ask how Harlow is and do I really want to hear about her being with the fucking British dude? Hell, no.
I don't want to hear about her living happily ever after, and even though I want her happy, I still don't need to fucking hear about it.
Let's count how many synonyms for the word miserable Bella has come up with for me during the months of January and February:
gloomy
tragic
pathetic
tormented
down in the dumps
sick
Then she got nasty and started with the “sorry excuse for a living being”, a “douche-mongrel”—whatever that is—a “dickhead”, and “feeling-sorry-for-myself-pain-in-the-fucking-ass”. That was my favorite.
All I needed was for Tony to step up to the plate and tell me if I didn't get moving on with my life and stop making permanent indentations on their sofa, there would be consequences. Major ones.
When Bella's dad got the contract for the family housing and Tony approached me about working with them, I knew it was a good opportunity. A fresh start, a clean slate. It wasn't like I had a job anyway, and I knew I couldn't sponge off Tony and Bella forever. My money was running out and I knew I had to contribute to their household. I quit North Ridge's force, and I quit Ryland, despite achieving a 3.8 GPA for the semester, which is above average. Not bad. Not bad at all. I'll go back to some kind of school eventually.