by Cathy Glass
I was right. ‘Michael’s daddy is getting better,’ Paula announced as we sat at the table to eat. ‘He’s not going to die.’
‘Not yet,’ Michael put in quickly, which saved me from a very difficult and painful conversation.
I looked at him with a reassuring smile. He returned my smile, the tension having eased a little from his face. Even if Patrick’s remission was only temporary, like Michael I rejoiced in it, and there was always hope. ‘We’ll have a nice weekend,’ I said to him. ‘What would you like to do?’
Michael looked thoughtful for a second and then asked quietly, ‘Can we go swimming? I used to go swimming every Saturday with my dad but he hasn’t been well enough this year.’
‘Yes,’ I said, pleased that he was showing enthusiasm, and honoured that I was being allowed to take over an activity that had hitherto been one he did with his dad. ‘That sounds good to me.’ Adrian and Paula were nodding in agreement. ‘We’ll go on Saturday morning,’ I said. ‘I don’t suppose Stella will be bringing your swimming shorts so I’ll buy another pair while you’re at school tomorrow. You’re the same size as Adrian.’
Michael smiled again, his blue eyes creasing at the corners exactly as Patrick’s did. ‘Thanks, Cathy. Is that what I call you? Or is it Mrs Glass?’
‘Cathy’s fine,’ I said as Adrian and Paula sniggered, but not unkindly.
I’m pleased to say that Michael ate well and once dinner was finished he played with Adrian and Paula while I cleared away. At 6.45 when the doorbell rang I guessed it was Stella. The children stopped playing and joined me in the hall as I opened the front door.
‘What a welcoming committee!’ Stella said, laughing. ‘How are you all?’
‘Good,’ the children chorused.
Stella hadn’t met Adrian and Paula before, so I introduced them as she carried a large cans holdall into the hall.
‘That’s my bag,’ Michael said, a little surprised. It must have seemed strange to him seeing his bag arrive in my hall, although he knew Stella was bringing him a change of clothes.
‘Yes,’ Stella said. ‘Your dad told me where to find it and the things you need. I think I’ve remembered everything. Your neighbour, Mrs Harvey, let me into your house and she sends her love. Her husband, Jack, wasn’t there, but he sends his love too. He was visiting your dad.’
‘So why can’t I visit Dad?’ Michael asked.
Stella glanced at me. ‘I have explained,’ I said. We were still standing in the hall. ‘Shall we go through to the sitting room?’ I suggested.
‘Just for a few minutes,’ Stella said. ‘It’s getting late and I have to write a report for tomorrow when I get home.’
We went into the sitting room. Michael sat on the sofa between Adrian and Paula, and Stella squatted on the floor in front of them as she spoke. She explained, as I had, that Patrick had said there was no need for Michael to visit as he was only in hospital for the weekend. Also, as I had done, Stella omitted the other reason for Patrick not wanting Michael to visit: that seeing him looking so poorly and surrounded by other very sick people would be unnecessarily upsetting for Michael. Seated in a line on the sofa all three children nodded as Stella spoke and Stella ended up addressing them all.
‘Your dad is phoning later,’ Stella concluded, looking at Michael. ‘Visiting ends at seven thirty, so I guess once Jack has gone your dad will phone. There’s a portable payphone on the ward. I don’t think you’re allowed to use a mobile in hospital.’
The children nodded and Paula took Michael’s hand between hers and patted it, as I did hers when she was worried. ‘Your dad has a portable payphone,’ she reassured him. Then looking at Stella, asked, ‘What’s a portable payphone?’
‘It’s a phone that can be moved around the ward so that all the patients can use it,’ Stella explained.
‘That’s good, isn’t it, Michael?’ Paula said. ‘All the patients use it.’
Michael smiled indulgently and nodded. He was very good with Paula, especially I thought as he didn’t have any brothers or sisters of his own.
‘Well, I can see you’re being well looked after,’ Stella said, straightening as she got up from the floor. ‘Your dad is doing fine, so try not to worry. He’s assuming you’ll be going to school as usual tomorrow.’ Michael nodded. ‘Well, if there’s nothing else I’ll be going.’ Stella paused, allowing Michael the chance to think of anything he wanted to ask, but he didn’t. ‘All right, then,’ she said. ‘I’ll phone Cathy on Monday to confirm that your dad is out of hospital.’
Michael nodded and then said cheerfully, ‘We’re going swimming on Saturday, like I used to with my dad.’
‘Fantastic,’ Stella said. ‘You have a lovely weekend, and don’t worry about your dad: he’s being very well looked after.’
She said goodbye to the children and we left them sitting on the sofa as I saw Stella to the front door. We could hear Adrian and Michael telling each other of the daring diving stunts they were going to perform when we went swimming, while Paula, less sure of the water, sat quietly listening.
‘It’ll do Michael good to have a weekend away from all the responsibility,’ Stella confided as I saw her out. ‘I haven’t seen him look so excited about anything in a long while. Usually all his talk is of his dad’s medication – which tablets he has to take and when. This will give him a complete break and a chance to be a child again. Thanks for all you’re doing.’
‘There’s no need to thank me,’ I said, embarrassed. ‘Michael’s a lovely lad. I just wish I was looking after him in different circumstances.’
Stella nodded. ‘So do I, Cathy. So do I. It’s all so very sad.’
Having seen Stella out I returned to the sitting room and announced it was Paula’s bedtime. ‘School and nursery tomorrow,’ I reminded them, ‘so no one is going to be very late.’ Adrian and Michael pulled a face. ‘Boys,’ I continued, ‘once Paula is clear of the bathroom and is in bed, I would like you two to start getting ready. Adrian is usually in bed at eight on a school night,’ I added, addressing Michael.
‘So am I,’ Michael admitted, ‘but what if my dad phones when I’m in bed?’
‘I’ll get you up. Don’t worry, you will speak to your dad when he phones: of course you will. I’ll take your bag up now and put it in your room. Paula, say goodnight to Adrian and Michael.’
‘Good night,’ she said reluctantly, not wanting to leave them. She stood and offered her cheek for kissing – first to Adrian as she usually did, and then to Michael, who gave her a little peck.
‘Good girl,’ I said.
She came over and gave a little wave. ‘Night, night,’ she called as we left the sitting room.
‘Night,’ the boys chorused behind us. ‘Sleep tight. Sweet dreams,’ Michael added, which I guessed was probably what his father said to him at night.
Upstairs, I put Michael’s holdall in his room and then ran Paula’s bath, all the while listening out for the phone. It was 7.15 and Stella had said she thought Patrick would phone at the end of visiting time – about 7.30. I hoped he didn’t leave it too late as, in my experience, children can become very fretful, with worries and sadness escalating if they become over-tired. Problems and anxieties always seem more manageable in the morning after a good night’s sleep. Fortunately at 7.45, just as I was tucking Paula into bed, the phone rang.
‘Cathy! The phone!’ Michael shouted from downstairs. ‘Shall I answer it?’
I was already on the landing, going to my bedroom to answer the extension. ‘Just a moment,’ I called down to him. I wanted to make sure it was Patrick.
I picked up the extens2018nd said hello. Even before he spoke I knew it was him, for I heard the small gasp as he caught his breath before he spoke.
‘Hi, Patrick. How are you?’ I bubbled. ‘Good to hear from you.’
‘And you, Cathy,’ he said, taking another breath. ‘Thank you for looking after Michael at such short notice.’
‘No problem.’
‘I think I’m going to have to postpone our dinner date on Saturday,’ he said with a small laugh. ‘Pity, because I’d bought a nice bottle of wine especially.’
‘The lengths some people will go to to avoid my cooking!’ I said. He laughed again but I could hear it was a lot of effort for him to talk and his breathing was more laboured than when I’d seen him before. ‘I’ll put Michael on,’ I said. ‘He’s waiting by the phone downstairs. Perhaps we could have a chat when you’ve finished talking to him?’
There was another pause in which Patrick took a long-drawn-in breath before he spoke. ‘Would it be all right if we had a chat tomorrow, Cathy?’ he said. ‘I’m not so good at present. I’m exhausted. The doctors have told me that once I’ve have this blood I’ll feel much better.’
‘Yes, of course. You look after yourself. I’ll put Michael on.’
‘Thank you. Did the social worker bring Michael’s clothes?’
‘Yes. Don’t worry. He’s fine. He’s got everything he needs. I’ll fetch him.’
‘Thank you.’
Replacing the receiver in my bedroom, I went on to the landing and called down to Michael, who was waiting patiently at the foot of the stairs. ‘Pick up the phone on the hall table.’ I said. ‘It’s your dad.’ I waited until he had done so and had said hello, before I returned to Paula to say goodnight.
‘Is that Michael’s daddy?’ she asked. ‘Yes, love.’
‘Is he using the portable payphone?’
I smiled. ‘Yes. Now I want you to go to sleep. It’s getting late and you have nursery tomorrow.’
She snuggled down and we hugged and kissed each other goodnight; then I came out and hovered for a moment on the landing. I could see Michael in the hall below. He was standing with his back to me and was very quiet as he listened to his father on the phone. I couldn’t hear what Patrick was saying, but I guessed he was trying to reassure his son, for as I went downstairs and past Michael he was saying: ‘So you promise you will be home on Monday?’
Chapter Nine
A Prayer Answered
I continued into the sitting room, where Adrian was reading a magazine. I pushed the door to so that Michael could speak to his father in private. There was no need for me to observe or monitor r on ther’s phone call, as I was sometimes asked to do by the social services with some of the children I fostered. Michael wasn’t an abused child who needed protecting from abusing parents – far from it: he couldn’t have been more loved and cared for, which made it all the more sad.
Michael was only on the phone for about five minutes before he joined Adrian and me in the sitting room. I could tell as soon as he walked in he was sad and anxious again. Gone was the little boy eagerly looking forward to swimming on Saturday and in his place stood the child carer weighed down with worrying and the responsibility of his father’s illness.
‘Dad’s very tired,’ he said, standing aimlessly in the middle of the room. ‘He couldn’t talk for long.’
I stood and went over and rested my hand lightly on his shoulder. ‘I know, love. He isn’t feeling so good right now, but once the blood transfusion takes effect he’ll feel much better.’
Michael gave a small nod but didn’t say anything. It was just after eight o’clock and I thought the best thing for Michael now was for him to try to get some sleep; as well as looking sad he was looking very tired. I told the boys I wanted them to start getting ready for bed. Adrian closed his magazine and I went with them upstairs. While Adrian showered I went with Michael to his bedroom with the intention of unpacking his bag, but as soon as I began taking out his clothes to hang in the wardrobe Michael grew more anxious.
‘Can’t my things stay in my bag?’ he asked, worried. ‘I’m only here for the weekend.’ Perhaps he saw finality in unpacking, as though it might prolong his visit, and possibly his father’s stay in hospital.
‘Yes, if you prefer,’ I said. ‘Shall we just take out what you need for tonight and tomorrow?’ He nodded. I took out his pyjamas, wash bag and a change of school uniform for the following day. As I straightened, Michael quickly zipped the bag shut, leaving his other things inside.
Adrian finished showering and I went with Michael to the bathroom, showed him how to work the control on the shower and made sure he had everything he needed. I came out, leaving him to wash and change into his pyjamas. I checked on Paula, who was fast asleep on her side, her little mouth slightly open, and breathing gently; then I went through to Adrian’s room. He was propped up in bed reading, as he did most nights. I kissed him goodnight and reminded him to switch off his light by 9.00. I then went in to my bedroom, which is next to the bathroom, and sat on the bed and waited for Michael to finish. A strange house with new routines can be very unsettling for any child, and it would be even more so for Michael, who was already very anxious about his father.
A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom, clutching his wash bag, and hesitated.
‘Do you want to leave your wash bag in the bathroom for morning?’ I asked.
Michael shook his head. ‘OK. I’ll see you into bed and say goodnight. If you need anything in the night, knock on my door. I’m in here.’ I pointed behind me to my bedroom.
Michael nodded and I led the way round the landing and to his bedroom. ‘It’s bound to be a bit strange on your first night,’ I said, ‘so if you wake and wonder wou are, call me. Do you sleep with your curtains open or closed?’
‘Closed,’ Michael said, unzipping his holdall and tucking in his wash bag before zipping it shut again. ‘But I usually have a gap in the middle of the curtains so I can see the stars. Can I have that here?’
‘Yes, of course, love.’ I drew the curtains, leaving a gap in the centre. It was pitch dark outside, but a clear night, so many of the stars were visible, twinkling and glowing brightly in the inky-black sky.
Michael joined me at the window and looked up. ‘My dad likes the stars,’ he said quietly. ‘He says they make him think of heaven.’
A lump immediately rose in my throat. ‘They are certainly very beautiful,’ I agreed. ‘And for me seeing something so wonderful and vast helps me put my own problems into perspective.’
‘Do you believe in heaven?’ Michael suddenly asked, turning to look at me.
I knew he was looking for reassurance. ‘I like to think there is a heaven,’ I said. ‘Do you believe there is?’
‘Yes,’ Michael said firmly. ‘My mummy is there. And when it’s my daddy’s turn the angels will come from heaven and take him to be with her. That’s what my daddy believes and I do too.’
I smiled sadly, and we stood side by side for a moment, looking up at the night sky, so vast, so unfathomable, while beside me stood a little boy who believed his daddy would be going to join his mummy in heaven. It was one of those moments that touches the soul and stays with you for ever.
Presently Michael moved away from the window and towards the bed. ‘I’ll say my prayers now and go to sleep,’ he said. I stood to one side as he crossed himself and then knelt on the floor beside the bed. Resting his elbows on the bed itself he said:
‘Bless this family that I love and comfort them each day. As daytime turns to night-time please bring them peace, I pray. When morning comes tomorrow, may all their cares be small. Guide us with Your wisdom, Lord. Bless us one and all.’
It was a very touching prayer that Michael knew by heart and I was moved by his sincerity. Michael paused and with his eyes still closed and his hands clasped together finished his prayer by saying: ‘Dear Lord, I know you want my daddy, but I’m staying at Cathy’s and haven’t said goodbye. So please don’t send your angels for him yet.’
Michael crossed himself again, stood and climbed into bed, while I had never before felt so humbled by a young child’s faith and courage. Michael was being so brave and I could see his faith was playing a big part in helping him through. It was then I realized I didn’t know if I was supposed to be taking Michael to church on Sunday as Patrick had asked at the meeti
ng. I made a mental note to ask Stella if she phoned the following day or Patrick, when he phoned the following evening.
‘Good night, love,’ I said, tucking Michael in.
‘Night, Cathy. Thank you for looking after me.’
‘There’s no need to thank me,’ I said. ‘I’m very pleased to have you. Now try to get some sleep and I’ll wake you in plenty of time in the morning. If you need anything in the night, call me.’
He nodded. I kissed his forehead and began towards the door.
‘Cathy,’ he called.
I paused. ‘Yes, love?’
‘Where’s Adrian and Paula’s daddy? Is he in heaven?’
Not in a million years, I thought unkindly, but didn’t say. ‘No, he doesn’t live with us any more, although Adrian and Paula still see him.’
‘That’s sad. My friend at school lives with his mummy because his dad left them. They’re getting divorced.’
I gave a small nod, said goodnight again and came out. Michael had touched a raw nerve, for before long I too would have to start divorce proceedings so that I could draw a line under my marriage legally, as I’d had to emotionally, and begin to move on.
Michael must have been exhausted, for he didn’t wake or call out in the night and was still asleep the following morning at 7.00. I gently woke him and said it was time to get ready for school. He stretched and yawned, said good morning and got up straight away. He washed and dressed quickly and was the first one down to breakfast. He was also the first one to finish breakfast, brush his teeth, and be ready with his coat and school bag in the hall. I guessed he was used to getting himself ready on time in the morning, while Adrian and Paula, like many children of their age, still needed cajoling and reminding of the time if we weren’t going to be late.