Taking a deep breath, I turn on my computer. Before I can bring myself to focus on anything work-related, my door flies open. I hear Becca protest but Rosie stomps in anyway and slams the door behind her. She balls her fists and puts them down on the desk across from me, leaning toward me. Her eyes are shooting flames at me and her nostrils flare with every breath.
“How dare you,” she spits at me. I lean back. “How dare you abandon Harper like that. You fucking sack of shit!” Her voice is getting more and more strained.
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh fuck off, Zach. You’re a fucking piece of shit. You find out you got a girl pregnant, one that you’ve been spending every waking hour with, and the next thing you do is shut down and dump her off at her house by herself? She’s a fucking mess, Zach, and it’s your fault.”
Her chest is heaving and I can feel the anger hit me like a wall.
“I didn’t… I don’t...” I can’t answer her. I try to remember what happened yesterday but it’s a complete blur. My head is splitting.
“And the only thing you had to say to her,” Rosie stands up, pointing a finger at my chest. “The only fucking thing you had to say was to ask her if she was going to keep it? You insensitive prick! I always thought you were an asshole and you’ve just proven me right. I thought maybe I had you wrong when I saw how happy Harper was but you’re the worst kind of man. You coward.” She spits the last word at me and without waiting for me to reply she spins around and walks out. My office door slams and I jump in my seat.
I sit back in my chair and bring my hands to my temples. My head is still pounding.
I asked her if she was going to keep it? Slowly, the memory comes back to me. We were in the car, and I was staring at the sidewalk through the windshield. Rosie’s anger lifts a curtain of fog on my mind. She’s right. I’ve been an ass. Harper needed me and I abandoned her. I made her feel like it was all a mistake.
Oh God, I am a prick. Of course she wasn’t using me! Of course she wasn’t faking it! What was I thinking? I spent all day and all night feeling sorry for myself and getting drunk off my ass and I just abandoned Harper. She’s pregnant and alone and probably thinks I hate her.
My heart drops. I have to fix this. With trembling hands I pick up my phone and dial her number. It goes straight to voicemail. She’s either turned her phone off or blocked my number. The panic starts rising in my throat as I realize what the past twelve hours must have been like for her. I stand up and grab my coat.
I need to see her. I need to fix this.
34
Harper
My whole body aches from tiredness and the raw emptiness after an emotional day. My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying so much yesterday. My whole face is puffy and blotchy.
I’ve hardly slept, tossing and turning all night. Rosie left this morning and now my apartment feels cold and empty. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Her rage and indignation when I told her about Zach’s reaction made me feel validated, but it also made the heartbreak that much more real. It’s not just me, it’s not in my head. He should have been better.
He should have been better, but he wasn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he was.
I open the fridge door and close it again. My stomach feels empty but I’m not hungry. It’s like my insides have been ripped out and all that’s left is a shell. I wander back to my bedroom and get under the covers. I avoid the bathroom. I don’t want to look at myself right now. Bed is the only place I want to be right now.
I wonder if I could have done anything different. If I could have reacted better. I shouldn’t have brought him into that doctor’s room. What was I thinking? Am I seven years old? Why did I need to bring another person with me! I’m a grown woman!! If he hadn’t been there, I could have figured out a way to tell him that was better, gentler.
I sigh and turn onto my back, staring at the ceiling. Who am I kidding? If he had that much of a negative reaction, it probably doesn’t matter how I told him. Rosie’s voice echoes in my mind. She had her arms around me last night when she told me, He’s an ass, Harps. You’re better than him. If he doesn’t want to be a part of your child’s life then you will figure it out. You’re the strongest, most determined person I know.
I’m sick of crying but I feel the tears prickling the corners of my eyes. I rub my eyes angrily. Maybe I am strong and determined but right now I just feel scared and alone and small. How can I go back to work? How can I face him, knowing that I’m pregnant with his child and he wants nothing to do with me? How can I face the rest of the office? There’ll be questions and I’m sure the truth will come out at some point.
I’ll be the laughingstock of the whole company. I’ll be ruined. All my hard work to get where I am, gone. It’s a small industry, I’m sure the news that Zach Lockwood knocked up one of his employees will travel far and fast.
My cheeks burn and I feel a deep sense of shame. I don’t know how to go on with my life now. I don’t know how to face the world, how to go to work, how to keep going knowing I’ll be raising a kid on my own. It doesn’t feel like a miracle baby right now.
My hand drifts to my stomach, like it has been every few minutes since I found out I was pregnant. What if none of it matters? It doesn’t matter what other people say, it doesn’t matter if Zach is an asshole, it doesn’t matter if my career has to change.
I’m pregnant.
I went through so much pain and heartbreak thinking it would never happen and now here I am, lamenting the fact that it did! I’m pregnant!
My heart beats harder and I sit up in bed. A smile creeps across my face for the first time since before I got the news. My head fills with images of tiny clothes, toys, holding my own child in my arms. Will it be a boy or a girl? What would I prefer? Either one is perfect, as long as it’s healthy. I smile. Now I get it, when people say that. I always thought it was something that people just said to be polite, but I get it. Whatever my child is, I’m going to love it more than I’ve ever loved anything before.
The fire burning inside me starts to spark up again. Where I felt empty and hollow a few minutes ago I feel a love start to grow. Love for my child. I’m going to be a mother. The warmth grows and grows and grows until my chest feels completely full. All that matters is having a healthy, happy baby. I’ll figure the rest out.
Maybe Doctor MacDonald was right, it really is a miracle baby. My own Christmas miracle, I think with a smile.
“I won’t let anybody hurt you, ever,” I whisper to my stomach. “I mean that.”
I feel so full of love that I might explode. I don’t need Zach. I don’t need anybody. I lie back in bed and close my eyes with both hands cupping my stomach. I take a deep breath and feel myself drifting off to a deep sleep for the first time since I left Zach’s apartment.
35
Zach
Harper hasn’t answered her phone all day. It must be turned off. I’m hoping so, anyway, because the thought of her blocking my number is driving me nuts. I might as well have taken a day off work because I haven’t accomplished a thing. I’m going to have to go talk to Harper. I need to hold her in my arms and I need her to be okay with me.
“Becca,” I say, pressing a button on my intercom.
Her tinny voice replies right away: “Yes, Mr. Lockwood?”
“Can you get me a bunch of nice flowers? I need them asap. Just get them brought here and I’ll take them.”
“Sure thing. What kind of flowers?”
I pause. I don’t even know the names of any flowers except roses. A dozen red roses seems a bit too… tired? Cliché? I don’t think Harper would go for roses.
“Uhm… I don’t know. Pink ones. And some white ones too. Something nice and big, something that says,” sorry, I’m here for you, I’m an idiot please talk to me, of course I’ll be there for you and the kid, “I love you.”
“No problem.”
The phone clicks and I sit back in my chair. I love you. The words ju
st fell out of my mouth so naturally even though I could have said a million different things. Do I love Harper? Did I just say that out loud? Those aren’t words that were in my vocabulary when it came to women. My mom, sure, I tell her I love her, but another woman? A romantic relationship?
I rub my fingers over my eyes and blow the air out of my nostrils.
Of course I fucking love her.
I love her.
I’ve spent every waking minute either with her or wishing I was with her for the past three weeks. What else could it be? Every time I see her, I get butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t even know that was a thing! I thought it was just an expression that people say, but I literally feel like butterflies are crashing around my stomach when Harper turns those green eyes toward me. I can’t get enough of her smell, her touch, her skin, her sex.
Is this what love is? Is it this out of control, amazing feeling that can turn to absolute shit at the drop of a hat?
I don’t know if I can handle this. I stand up and stretch my arms overhead before pacing back and forth in my office. I imagine her opening the door. In my mind she’s wearing a plain tank top and jeans and her hair is in a high bun over her head, exactly how she looked when she was lounging at my place.
Harper, don’t close the door.
Harper, hi.
Hi, Harper.
I love you.
I stop pacing and exhale loudly. None of it sounds right! None of it sounds good enough. How can I make her understand that I fucking love her? I would do anything for her!
I put a hand against the wall and close my eyes while I lean forward. My forehead touches the wall and I stay motionless for a few moments.
She’s pregnant, and I’m going to be a father. I’ve basically told her that I have no interest in being involved and I abandoned her right after we both found out. How the fuck am I going to make her think that I’m not an absolute deadbeat?
My heart starts thumping in my chest. I’ve messed up so badly. I could have held her hand, I could have looked her in the eye. I could have said anything! Anything except “so you’re keeping it.”
A knock on the door pulls me out of my head. Becca opens the door holding a massive bouquet of pink and white flowers. I don’t know how she got them so quickly.
“You’re a magician,” I say as I turn to her.
“That’s why I get the big bucks,” she responds with a grin. I make a mental note to review her salary.
Taking the flowers from her, I put my nose to them. Even these flowers remind me of Harper. They smell just as sweet as she does.
“Thanks, Becca.”
“Anytime. Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Just a friend,” I say, not looking at her.
“Mm-hmm,” she responds. The disbelief is written all over her face. I smile for the first time in forever. It feels like my face is cracking from the effort of curling my lips up.
“A good friend,” I explain.
“Sure, sure,” Becca says, still not changing her expression. “Anything else you’d want me to get your ‘friend’? A bottle of champagne? Some chocolates? A diamond ring? You know, while we’re buying friendly presents.”
I laugh. “Just flowers today.”
“She’s a lucky lady.”
I glance at Becca to see if there’s any hint of sarcasm in her. She smiles at me and her eyes soften. She’s telling the truth.
“I’m not so sure,” I say quietly. “I think I’m the lucky one.”
Becca nods and leaves the office. I put the flowers down on my desk and grab my jacket. I fidget with my clothes, my hair, I rub my face. The butterflies are back in my stomach, but this time they’re flapping their wings angrily, crashing around inside me as my heart beats against my ribcage. I’m nervous.
With one last breath I grab the flowers and head out. As I’m crossing the room, I see a head pop up from a cubicle. It’s Rosie. She sees the flowers in my hand and one eyebrow inches up her forehead. We look at each other for a moment and she nods slowly.
I’ll take that as a good sign. At least she’s not yelling.
36
Harper
I glance at my phone, still sitting on the kitchen counter where I left it last night. It’s completely dead, and I haven’t had the heart to charge it. What if Zach tried to call me, and what if he’s mad? What if he said something awful about the baby, or about me or about getting rid of it? I don’t think I’ll be able to handle him being mad at me.
What if he hasn’t called?
That’s even worse. I look at the blank screen and feel my pulse speed up. For almost 24 hours I’ve been alternating between crying, sleeping, and watching TV like I’m some sort of zombie.
I grab the phone and stick it into the charger. Might as well find out where we stand. It seems to take forever to turn on. The screen lights up and then goes dark again and I sigh. It must need a few minutes to charge before I can turn it on.
Stupid phone.
The black screen stares back at me, taunting me with its uselessness. I huff and turn around. I guess a few more minutes of silence won’t kill me. I start pacing up and down my living room as I wait. I’ll have to call him.
Hey, Zach.
Hello Zach.
Hi.
We need to talk.
I need to talk to you.
Listen, I’m having this baby whether you like it or not!
I care about you and I’d love it if you were a part of our child’s life.
Our child.
I stop walking and put my hands on my hips. I have no idea what to say to him. He was so catatonic when we got the news, so dismissive. It’s like he turned into a completely different person. How could he be so callous?
I’m not even sure I want someone like that in my life, in my baby’s life! Sure, the baby’s dad will be rich but do I really want someone like that around my child? Someone who can just change their whole personality the minute they get some unexpected news? Someone whose first instinct is to get an abortion?
My hand flies to my stomach again as if to reassure the baby that I’m not going to let that happen.
I glance at the table where I left my phone and see it light up as it turns on. I’m not sure I’m ready for this.
I start walking toward it when there’s a knock on the door.
Zach?
My heart starts thumping in my chest. What if he’s here? What would I say? My phone starts buzzing and beeping as it connects to the network. There’s another knock on the door, more insistent this time.
I glance at the screen. I have eight missed calls and 4 messages from Zach, and two messages from Rosie. Relief floods through me. He wants to talk to me! He must be here. I glance at the door and practically run toward it.
There’s one more knock.
“Coming!” I call out.
I stand on the other side of the door. My hand is trembling as I reach for the doorknob. I put my hand on it and take a deep breath. I try to think of what I want to say but all thought has evaporated from my head. I can hardly stand up straight I’m shaking so much. I close my eyes for a second and inhale deeply. This is it.
I turn the doorknob and slide the deadbolt out. I swing the door open and feel my heart flutter in my chest.
Confusion writes itself on my face when I see the person standing at the door. It’s not Zach. It’s a man wearing a hoodie, facing away from the door. I frown, and the flutters in my chest turn to thumping heartbeats.
“Hello?” I hate how uncertain my voice sounds.
The man turns around slowly and I stumble backwards. Fear crawls up my spine as he smiles a toothy grin.
“Hello, Harper.”
My phone rings behind me where I left it plugged into the charger on the table. I can’t tear my eyes away from the man.
“Greg,” I breathe. His eyes are sharp and menacing and I’m frozen to the floor. He licks his lips slowly as he watches me. A bead of sweat drips down the side of his face. We
look at each other as my phone buzzes behind me.
“Your phone is ringing,” he rasps.
Suddenly it’s like the spell is broken. I try to slam the door but he’s too fast. He sticks his boot in the doorway and shoves it open, sending me sprawling to the ground. Before I can pick myself up, he’s on top of me.
I swing my arms and kick and try to scream but in an instant, he has something over my mouth and nose. It’s a cloth. I take a deep breath to try to scream and inhale a sickly sweet scent. Suddenly I’m dizzy, my limbs feel heavy, my eyes are blurry. Before I can stop myself, I try to inhale again and everything goes dark.
37
Zach
As I pull up to Harper’s apartment block I have to smile. I’ll talk to her and hold her and fix this. She’s in here and so is my kid. My kid! I’ve never felt anything as strong as what I feel for Harper, and now she’s carrying my first child.
The doctor said it was a miracle baby—maybe he’s right. It’s a miracle that Harper and I found each other, it’s a miracle that I let her into my life, it’s a miracle that she got pregnant when she was told it was impossible.
I put the car in park and think about her face after the first time we slept together. When I asked her about birth control, I’d seen such raw pain in her face, and now I know why. She thought she wasn’t able to have kids. I could see the pain in her face before I took her to the doctor and now it makes sense.
I’m going to be a father. My chest heaves as I take a deep breath. Somewhere in that apartment block is an amazing woman and she’s carrying my child. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears when I think about raising a kid. It’s terrifying and exciting at the same time.
Unexpected (Complete Accidental Pregnancy Box Set) Page 12