by Ines Vieira
“Ah right, the boyfriend. Isn’t Nicky a girl´s name though?” I say smugly. She scrunches her mouth a little and raises an eyebrow.
“First of all, dickish comment, don’t you think? I knew you’d be hard work. It’s Nick! Only my mom and I call him Nicky. He’s my baby brother. I don’t think anyone else would dare call him that to his face and not live to regret it. But you’re welcome to try,” she smirks but I see that now she is the one teasing me.
“Baby brother, that leviathan?! Well, Nick, it is then, and I never said it would be easy. I’ve become quite accustomed at being me. But thank you for pointing it out for me anyway. I guess I picked the right girl for the job. Good night, Cassandra.”
“Good night, Isaac.” As I made my way up the stairs, I felt myself smile a bit. I knew it had a lot to do with the knowledge that the dude I thought was Cass’s boyfriend was in fact just her kid brother. I don’t know why that piece of information mattered, but I had to admit that it did somehow.
I entered my Cousin Mickey’s room and my previous anxiety came back in full thrust. I took off my t – shirt and flung myself on the bed. As I lay there, I got the distinct impression that my mind didn’t agree that it’s time to sleep after all. My brain was still full of thoughts that were out of my control and that were not going to get solved anytime soon.
Being in a room so different from mine only made me more agitated. One wall was full of posters of football teams, basketball teams and their star players and I had no clue who they were. Then on the other wall was a big red sports car with what looked to be a bikini model, but came across more like a low rated porn star. No band posters, no books anywhere to be seen but as I recall primo Mickey wasn’t the intellectual in the family. I think that role was left for Jess.
I was nostalgic for my own room back in Arizona, which was odd since when I was there all I wanted was to be back in my room here in Plymouth. Now, there was no room anywhere that seemed to belong to me. My stuff was still in boxes and would probably only see the light of day once we got a house of our own.
When would that happen? Did I want it to happen sooner rather than later? I knew that while we are living at Tio Carlos’s house, my father would, at least, try to pretend that he was human. Once we got our own place then all that civility would be out the door. I mean I don’t even know if it would last too long here. Tonight, when a bunch of my relatives showed up, I saw how easy it was for him to get the whiskey and gin out to celebrate our return. I also know that my uncle probably didn’t think anything of it since he himself was ecstatic at having us back. But soon, he will start to see dear old dad drinking for no reason at all. Not to celebrate, not to socialize, but for the sole purpose that he just has to.
The worst part was that the drinking wasn’t even the worst character flaw my father had. No, not in the slightest. I could forgive a drunk. He wasn’t just a drunk. He was a bitter man that liked to crush any joy that my mother and I could find living in the same home as him. If either of us even seemed happy, he’d find a way to ruin it.
My mother had it worse, though. She had to sleep in the same bed as him. I felt the metallic blood taste in my mouth from biting my lower lip just thinking about it. Those mornings that I would wake up and she would be wearing a scarf to cover bruises on her neck. Or when she would have to wear shades indoors for a week until her eye wasn’t black and blue anymore. Or when even during 110 degree heat she would still wear long sleeved shirts to cover the bruises on her arms and wrists. Once and a while the bastard would throw some punches at me, which I was happy to take if that meant my mom wouldn’t get any. Unfortunately most of the time, when that happened, she would jump in between us and get one of those lovely right hooks directed at me on her fragile face. I hated when that happened. I would prefer it if she just stayed out of it. Not only did I feel physically bruised but I would also be emotionally beaten when the bastard would curse out that it was my fault my mother was out cold on the floor. If I hadn’t made him angry then she wouldn’t have got caught in the cross hairs. I hated him for it, but I hated myself more for not being able to protect her.
Seven months. That’s all we’ll have to endure. In seven months, I would graduate, and then I would leave him behind for good. My mother would leave too, of that I’m sure. The day that he said that I was no longer his responsibility once I graduated, I saw how my mother had responded to that news. She saw a glimmer of hope there too. If I was no longer under his roof and dictatorship, she wouldn’t stay either. She would find a way to leave. I would be there to help her through it. She was brave; I had seen it through all my years growing up just how brave she was. All she needed now was a bit of reminding when it came to the end of this nightmare. We could go anywhere. If she wanted to stay in Plymouth, then we would, even though I know that it would be safer for us to be as far away from my father as possible when the time came. If she wanted to go back to Arizona, I’d go. I’d do basically anything to keep her safe and out of harm’s way.
So for now, all I had to do was lay low. Not be in his peripheral vision and pray that my mother would spend most of her time at the store rather than at home. He would try the fake job hunting thing for a little while at least, but then when he gave up that façade, he would need someone to blame for his shortcomings. That was usually when mom and I came into the equation. We would have to try and stay at Tio’s as long as possible. Though it was an unlikely scenario for my father not to show his true colors even in his brother’s home, I knew that it would at least buy us some time. A month maybe, at most. But a month would get us closer to the end game without too much mess.
I hear the door across the hall open and close. Cass has finally decided that she needed some rest too. Even though she looks pretty together, there is something else there. When she went silent, I felt that she was also thinking not only of what I had said, but I felt I might have hit a sore spot for her. I didn’t know what it was, but I know recognition when I see it. She understood all too well what I had unconsciously spilled out. Although I sounded maybe more melancholy than I had intended, she listened as if that feeling was something she dealt with on a daily basis. She was no stranger to detachment or loneliness. Of that, I was certain.
Even though the outside packaging looks flawless, that doesn’t mean that what’s inside isn’t broken. Maybe I recognize my own. Maybe we recognize each other for what we are.
CHAPTER 4
CASS
I woke up late the next day. Jess and Ronnie were already dressed and having breakfast with the rest of the Silva clan in the kitchen. I said my goodbyes and told them I’d meet up with them later at school. When I left the house, Isaac was already outside sitting on the porch swing.
“Late night?” he asks with a knowing grin on his face. I smile back at him.
“I guess you can say that. Sorry gotta run. See you back at school.” I rush to my car and wave goodbye. I go a little bit over the speed limit but make it home in little less than five minutes.
When I enter my house, mom is nowhere to be seen. Neither is Nicky but once I make it upstairs I hear the shower on in the bathroom.
“Nicky hurry up! We’re late!” He hollers back that he knows. I stop by my parents’ bedroom and see my mom still lying in bed. I walk over to her and kneel beside her.
“Mom? You awake?” I whisper.
“Cass, honey, yes I’m awake. How was your night? Were you able to get ready for today’s test?” She says smiling softly and placing her hand on my cheek.
“Sí, mamá. I think we’re all ready.” I smile back at her trying to give my best Spanish accent. “Do you want me to come home after school so that we can go to the mall and buy a new microwave like you told me yesterday?”
“Oh Cass, I forgot about the microwave. Honey, I’m not feeling very well today, do you think we can go later in the week? Besides don’t you have to go to the center today?” She asks but her eyelids are semi-closed as if she had a bad night and needed a few extra ho
urs of sleep to pull through the rest of the day. I nod even though she can’t see me with her eyes closed.
“Sure mom. We can go another time. Do you need me to pick anything up for dinner?”
“If you could drop by Carlos’s place and bring some of his Italian sauce, then I can make some spaghetti. Does that sound good?” I kiss her hand and get up.
“Yeah, mom. That sounds good. I’ll be back around eight, ok? Love you, mom.”
“I love you too Cassandra,” she says to me sheepishly. I kiss her head one more time before I leave her room. I was positive that she would only get out of bed when Nicky and I got home later today. This past weekend she had stayed in her room too. Every time I checked in on her she was either asleep or staring at the ceiling. I tried to talk to her, to see if I could bring her spirits up, but she had just said she felt that she was coming down with something and not to worry. Maybe she was being honest. Maybe she was getting a cold or maybe even the flu and this was why she preferred to stay in bed. There were a lot of maybes moving around my head, but not one of them could tell me as to what was going on with my mother.
Yesterday morning she had at least been up to see us off to school. Today, however, she seemed like she’s done an all-nighter and the thought of coming downstairs was just too exhausting for her. I felt that this sadness of hers was starting to overwhelm her. This was not healthy and if I didn’t do something quick this could turn out to be a bigger problem and not what this family needed right now.
I decided to talk to Nicky on our way to school. If anyone could cheer mom up, he could. He would just have to be more present. I would have to be more present. Even though the sadness that lived in this house was all I wanted to escape from. How could I expect my mother to endure the silence that echoed in every room of this house if I found myself also using every excuse not to be here? How did I expect her to deal when I couldn’t?
She had to. We needed her! She couldn’t just lock herself in her room and leave us to fend for ourselves. Right? Or was that selfish of me? Wanting her to be present when I wasn’t?
I go to the kitchen and make myself some coffee before we leave for school. Nicky slowly comes down the stairs and from the look in his eyes, not even a shower did the trick of waking him up. He mumbles something under his breath and opens our front door, and I know that it's his way of saying he’s ready to go. I leave the mug in the sink after rinsing it and close the door behind me. We leave and live our lives while mom stays home and merely exists.
When I get into the car, Nicky has his shades on and is texting on his phone. I start the car and back out our driveway. I look over at Nicky thinking that maybe talking to him now wouldn’t be the right time, but honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a right time to talk about mom.
“I think we should talk to dad about mom.” The words were out of my mouth without even a warning. I see Nick put his phone down on his lap.
“What are you talking about? Tell him what Cass?” I already hear his irritation start to build up in his voice.
“You know damn well what. Mom is getting worse Nicky. I know you don’t want to acknowledge it, but it's true. She’s starting to check out on us. She’s sad all the time now. I can’t remember the last time she went out or did anything aside from staying at home in bed or on the couch watching tv. She doesn’t even come with me to the center anymore and she used to love being there. She’s given up looking for work and aside from us I don’t think she’s spoken to anyone else in weeks. It’s not normal Nicky and I think dad should know what's going on.” I don’t know why but my voice sounds angry. I didn’t even know I was angry. I look over quickly at Nick to see his reaction, but if I’m angry, then my brother is pissed.
“Tell him what Cass, huh?! That his wife misses him? That him not being here causes her pain? That she feels less of a person because he’s not with her and she knows it’s her fault because she can’t get a job?! Is that what you want to tell dad? Or maybe you want to tell dad that he has to come home? Maybe you want to tell him that he can go and work for Mechanic Pete’s so we can be a happy family again? You could do that, you know. All you have to do is give up going to Berkeley. Dad doesn't need to go off to the ends of the earth anymore if we just tell him that we don’t have to go to an Ivy League school or to a school on the other side of the country. Or maybe we can tell our parents that they can choose between the two of us who gets a chance at going off to college, how does that sound? Do you think that mom will be happy then? Huh? Do you think that having dad back home while sacrificing her kids future will be the thing that finally makes her happy Cass? Do you?” I swallow my guilt but it refuses to go down.
“Jesus Nicky! I know, okay? I know! I’m just worried. I don’t think its normal, that's all. I don’t know what to do. How I can fix it.” I yell back at him and try not to let the tears falling from my eyes blur my vision from the road.
“Why do you need to fix anything? It is what it is. Just deal with it! And lay off of mom, will ya?!” I bite my lower lip preventing me from saying another word, but my brother knows that I’m not letting it go yet.
“You know what´s your problem? You don’t get it. You just don’t understand how a person can fall apart just because your other half isn’t with you. That’s your problem. Not mom’s. You have no idea what love is so you think her heartache isn’t normal. If you knew, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” He moans and goes back to texting.
“Oh and you do?” I mumble.
“I’ve gotten closer than you, that’s for sure!” He says without taking his eyes off his phone. We get to the school parking lot just before the bell is about to ring and Nick gets out of the car without even a goodbye. I feel like I have just been in the ring with Mike Tyson.
I’m shattered. Everything that Nicky said was true. My parents were separated because they put my and Nicky’s future in front of their own happiness and I was complaining about mom not being her usual bubbly self. My mother doesn’t deserve me thinking less of her and my dad doesn’t deserve my blame. If there was anyone at fault here, it was me. If I didn’t talk about Berkeley every waking day since I was a small child, they wouldn’t be sacrificing their happiness just so I could achieve my dream. Even Nicky with all his artistic talent would have probably been okay with giving it up for both of them. I was the one that was selfish. I was the one that only thought about myself and my goals. It was my fault my mother cried at night. It was my fault my dad wasn’t a part of our lives. I’m the one to blame.
Even though I knew I would be late for homeroom I didn’t care. I ran to the bathroom and all the guilt and shame came out of me. Even the half eaten grilled cheese from last night made an appearance.
ISAAC
I didn’t expect to see her here at my uncle’s store. Why is it when you see a person in a place that you didn’t expect them to be at, that it makes you just a tad anxious or nervous? That’s how I felt when she came in. Nervous.
So I stayed where I was hoping that she would see me first. But she didn’t. She went to the second aisle completely oblivious that I was even there. She had been off at lunch too. I didn’t know Cass much but I knew enough that she wasn’t the type of girl that was quiet around her friends. She had been quiet at lunch. She had been quiet and distracted in most of the classes we had together. Even though I didn’t have AP Spanish with her, I bet that she had been distracted while doing the test she had passed the previous night studying too.
“Isaac?” My uncle calls out to me and I hear a loud crash. I walk over to the sound and see that Cass has accidentally dropped a jar of tomato sauce on the floor. Uncle Carlos also rushes to the scene of the crime.
“Cassandra querida, are you alright?” he says grabbing her shoulders. She’s shaking a bit and I don’t think it has anything to do with the mess on the floor.
“I’m so sorry Mr. S. It just got away from me. I’ll clean it up. I’m so sorry.” She says but her eyes never leave the floor
.
“Nonsense Cassandra. My nephew can do that. Isaac, Filho, can you grab a mop from the broom closet for me?”
“Sure thing Tio.” When I bring out the mop and bucket Cass is still looking at the red crime scene on the green floors of the store, but she seems calmer. Uncle Carlos is already at the cash register helping my mom with the rest of the store’s customers forgetting to tell me what he called out to me in the first place.
“So Italian, huh? I guess you can't ever go wrong with a good Italian sauce.” I say trying to break her concentration.
“Huh? Oh yeah. I’m just picking something up for dinner. Mom asked to get some tomato sauce.” She stares at the stack of jars my uncle had brought directly from Italy, but I get the feeling she doesn’t see any of them. She hasn’t made eye contact once.
“Well want some help? You can never go wrong with Don Pomodoro tomato and basil sauce with some Pasta di Campofilone Marilungo.” I hand the two items to her and finally she looks up at me. Yesterday those hazel eyes seemed to have more life in them than any other pair of eyes I had ever seen, but today they seemed tired.
“You okay Cass?” I put my hand on her arm.
“What? Oh yes of course. I’m fine. Sorry. Just upset that I dirtied your uncle’s floor.” She’s apologizing too much. Cass doesn’t seem the type to apologize for a thing. She doesn’t seem the type that she would have anything to apologize for.
“Do you work here now?” She asks and I know it’s to change the topic.
“No, not really. I’m just helping my mom and Uncle Carlos until I find something to do after school.” I explain as I finish cleaning the rest of the floor.
“Oh, your mom works here now?” She asks walking with me to the front of the store.
“Yeah. Uncle Carlos needed extra help and my mom needed a job. So it kinda worked perfectly for the both of them. Let me introduce you to her.”