When Life Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  “Well, what did you expect? Wasn’t the film called ‘Damsel’s Distress?”

  “I expected a bloody action movie, with car chasing and blood and guts! If Ronnie had it her way we would have gone and seen one of her Romantic Comedies! I couldn’t sit through one of those things.”

  “Well maybe if you did you wouldn’t be so pissed at the end of the movie. Girls in RomComs are usually kickass.” I tease her. She nods her head.

  “The guy was like over 50 and the girl looked like she had barely graduated from high school! I mean what the hell is that about?! He could have been her grandpa!”

  “Ok, ok, I get it! We have officially established the movie sucked, what about the date?”

  Jess looks at me totally uninterested on the subject while texting on her phone. She showed more passion about a silly action movie then on poor Quaid.

  “He was ok, I guess. We didn’t talk much.” I roll my eyes. I had hoped that she would, at least, try to get to know Quaid a little better. I guess in this case opposites don’t attract. Jess was a hurricane, compared to the soft sea breeze that Quaid was. They had two very different personalities.

  “So no sparks, huh?” I throw the pillow at her to grab here attention back to me. Now she is the one that rolls her eyes.

  “Is he hot? Sure. But this girl right here needs to be mentally challenged. A pretty face won’t cut it for me.”

  “It’s a pity that you didn’t, at least, talk to him. He’s going to Columbia too. Pre-med, I think. It would have been nice to know that at least you had a friend there too when you went.” I can tell this surprises her a bit. “I guess the pretty face also has brains. Too bad that you were so quick to judge a book by its cover.” I smirk. She scrunches her face and pulls out her tongue like a five-year-old. I can’t help but laugh. We hear Jess’s mom call us from downstairs.

  “What now?”Jess exhales. We come downstairs and see that Jess’s dad and uncle are playing cards while Jess’s mom is reading a cookbook. “Yeah, mom?” Jess says, walking down the stairs with me silently walking behind.

  “Oh, there you are! Cass honey, your mother called.” Panic starts to consume me.

  “She did?” I check my mobile and sure enough, there are seven missed calls from my mother. ‘Does this mean that she’s up and not in bed?’

  “Yes, dear. She couldn’t reach you so she called the land line. I told her that I would make sure that you checked in.” Mrs. Silva says while looking at me compassionately. ‘Shit she knows.’ If my mother called, there is no saying in what type of mood she was in.

  ‘Lord, I hope she sounded normal.’

  “Is everything okay with your mom, Cass? She didn’t sound like herself.” She says putting her cookbook on her lap. Mr. Silva and Isaac’s father are now staring at me as well. So is Jess.

  “She’s fine Mrs. S. Really. She just misses my dad a bit.” I say trying to sound like this is no big deal. Jess’s mom looks over at Mr. S. with knowing eyes.

  “Ah.... Saudade...” he says putting his cards down on the coffee table and squeezing Jess’s mom’s hand on the sofa. “How I know that feeling well!” I try to pronounce the word back to him, but know that I fail miserably when I see Jess crack a grin. “Zowdat?” He smiles and continues to explain.

  “Saudade! That is a very powerful word Cass. Take a seat, querida.” That one I understand as Mr. S. usually calls Ronnie and me dear in Portuguese. I sit on the lounge chair while Jess sits next to me on the armrest.

  “You see Cass, in the English language, there isn’t a specific word to miss someone or some place. You simply say that you miss them as an action. But then you also use that same word to explain not catching a bus or a train. “Oh I missed my ride, so I’ll be late” He laughs and looks at his brother that is already grinning at him. “Ah no...How can that be?? What an injustice to use that same word when you are talking about a feeling so strong that most of the time is connected to loss.”Mr. S. is now talking to the whole room and emphasizing each word with the same passion in his voice as Jess when she is in one of her rants and I now see just where she gets it from.

  “Ah querida, in the Portuguese language we know just how important and significant this feeling actually is. It’s the only language in the world that has and actual name for this feeling – Saudade. We know how powerful it is and that it deserves respect. Saudade is a living thing! It consumes, it breaths, it demolishes!”

  “Back home we even have a genre of music dedicated to this feeling – Fado. In Lisbon, you can’t walk the streets at night and not hear it all around you.”

  “No one is immune to the feeling. People experience this grief in different ways and for different reasons. Your mother towards your father, my sister in law towards the loss of her mother and I, myself had the same feeling towards my home. Some people miss themselves and who they were at a point in their lives.”

  “Saudade is overwhelming and it needs controlling. You can lose yourself in it if you’re not strong enough to lift yourself out. Don’t get me wrong, it can also be a beautiful feeling. It also means that you have lived and loved. You have laughed and cried and drunk from the well of life! There are many people in the world that don’t get to say that. They have never experienced that type of pain because they haven’t truly lived!”

  “To feel Saudade means that there is blood in your veins and that your heart was once full! If you go through life never experiencing Saudade, well... that is even sadder, don’t you agree?” He says facing us, expecting an answer.

  “Yes, I guess,” I say but deep down think that I would have preferred to have my mom okay now even if it meant that she hadn’t drunk from any god damn well of life.

  ISAAC

  I’m in a white room. Rays of sunshine brighten it up so much that it’s hard to keep my eyes open. I see white feathers all around me as if the pillows on my bed have exploded in the middle of the room. I turn to see that both are intact on my bed. But this is not my room. It's too spacious and there is nothing on the walls, no desk beside me, no closet, no doors. Only two large windows with white silk curtains. I’m sitting on my bed and I let the feathers fall on me as they may. I hear music in the back. A sweet melody is playing and it reminds of spring. Of new beginnings and hope. I hear laughter. A laugh that is even sweeter than the song that’s playing. I try to open my eyes to see where it’s coming from. Another giggle lights my heart.

  “Where are you?” I ask. “I can't see you” She laughs again. “You can't see me because you don’t want to open your eyes.”

  “I do. I do. Where are you?” The light feels warm on my face. I stretch my arm to grab onto something. To grab on to her.

  “Open your eyes, Isaac.” Her voice is as sweet as caramel.

  “I’m right here. Open your eyes for me.” She laughs again and I feel her hand stroke my face.

  “I can't. It's too bright.” I say hurting. “You’re too bright. I can't follow you. I can't find you.” She giggles again and I feel a kiss on my cheek.

  “Sweet, sweet Isaac,” She whispers in my ear. “This isn't my light. You can open your eyes anytime you want. Don’t be scared.” She laughs again and I feel here dance on the bed with her arms out and falling next to me laughing. I fall next to her and feel her breath on my face. The smell of jasmine is all around me now as she lays next to me.

  “Please help me see.”

  “My poor, poor Isaac,” She whispers but I feel her lean in and gently kiss my lips. Softly and delicately, I feel her light in me. I force myself to open my eyes. I need to open my eyes. When I finally open them, I can't see her face. I only see strands of auburn hair tickle my cheek and those hazel eyes looking back me. I feel her smile and I try to touch her face to see if she is real. To see if she’ll stay with me.

  But then she’s gone and the room is dark black once again. The white feathers are gone as well as the hope they brought with them. The dull walls are back too, confining me into my own personal misery. The light
disappeared along with her laugh. I was back in my room feeling hollow and alone.

  I have been dreaming about her every day for the past couple of weeks. Some dreams are sweet and full of light and hope just like tonight’s. Other dreams are so depraved and lustful that the next time I saw her, it was hard to look into her eyes. I never see her face, but that laugh, those eyes, that hair, I don’t need to see her face to know whom it is. To know who torments my every waking thought and even my nights.

  It’s been getting harder and harder to push these thoughts away. Harder and harder not to act on feelings that I thought could never happen to me. I didn’t understand them or control them. It was frustrating the hell out of me.

  If she had been any other girl, this stupid infatuation would have been out of my system months ago. But she was who she was, and I couldn’t help but get in deeper. She saw me as a friend, a confidante. She saw me as family and all it made me want to do was to jump off a high bridge.

  There she was leaning on my car door. She doesn’t see me. She’s too focused on whoever is on the phone with her. I feel as if I should run over to her at once but I stay still just to take a moment and look at her. If I could, I would stop the whole world from turning just to stare at her. Press pause and take all of her in. I don’t think she actually realizes how insanely gorgeous she really is. With that long hair, that looks like the dark fire that consumes me these past nights and those penetrating eyes that seem to look right at the core of me.

  But, when she talks, really talks, that´s when you can see all her beauty. Inside and out. Every time she smiles I have to hold myself back and not to touch those incredibly sexy dimples. She has those pink lips that demand to be kissed. I wonder what she would do if she knew that all I wanted to do this precise minute was to grab her and pull her into the back seat of my car. That all I think about lately is her and what I would do to her if only she’d let me.

  «Get a grip! » She would probably either slap me or knee me in the exact body part that I wanted to use in the first place. No, Cass was not like the girls I was used to. She knows what she wants and what she doesn’t and she doesn’t want me. How could she? Friends sure, but it ends at that. It’s the best way anyhow. I would end up hating myself even more if I ever got the chance and completely screwed it up and not so deep down, I know would.

  “You like her don’t you?” I look at my side and there is Brandon also looking at Cass with that shy smile of his.

  “Yeah, kid. I guess I do.”

  “So what are you going to do about it?” he says, this time looking up at me questioningly.

  “I’m going to play the good guy for once and not do a damn thing,” I tell him and put my arm around him.

  “Come on kid, we´re late and we don’t want to keep the young lady waiting, now do we?” I say with a smirk on my face.

  The world begins to spin again and I let reality sink in. We get to the Youth Centre twenty minutes later. Cass was silent most of the ride over and I could feel her tense while sitting next to me. She tried to seem interested in what Brandon was saying about a new game that his mother bought him and how he has been too busy with his friends to actually play it, but I saw that her heart wasn´t in it. When we got out of the car, Brandon went straight in but I grabbed her hand before she could follow him.

  “Hey, you ok? You barely said a word since we left school. What´s wrong?” I say and pull a lock of hair away from her face and tuck it behind her ear. I saw that this gesture comforted her and felt her shoulders relax a little bit.

  “I´m okay, Isaac. Truly. I was just thinking about some school reports that I’m late on. Don´t worry. Okay?” She’s lying and I pretend to believe her. Whatever has her all wound up had something to do with whoever she was talking to on the phone. Most probably it was her dad calling to say that he won’t be able to visit next week. I know that this pains her so I saw no need to ask any further questions.

  She turns to go in, but then turns back and gives me a small kiss on the cheek. My whole face burns from her lips and it takes every ounce of willpower that I have not to hold her still so that I can kiss her the way I want to kiss her.“But thanks for asking,” she says and leaves me out in the cold alone.

  Inside the center, I’m finally able to distract myself from my own fiendish thoughts. Thank God for these kids. Every time I arrive, they are all over me and want me to participate in any and all activities. Today is a one of my favorites. I have the 5th graders today and as promised, I’ve arranged a basketball game where the girls play against the boys. I play the referee and coach for both teams. I already see that some of the boys are just showing off for the girls in the other team.

  The gym is loud and there is too much commotion going on, but I feel at home here. I´m standing on the sidelines just looking at them laugh and enjoy the purity of having good old fashioned fun. I rarely feel this warmth in me, but I recognize contentment and gratefulness immediately.

  Even at such young ages, I see that they need a place where they can vent and let it all out too. Most of them aren’t even 10 years old and for one reason or other had to grow up fast. Many of these kids don’t have it easy at home. Just like Cass had said, everyone needs to feel included and a part of something. This place offers this to them in spades. Everyone here chips in for each other and is responsible for one another. It always amazes me how the older kids have the patience to teach the younger ones any new task or game. They don’t get tired or say that they don’t have time for them. No, we are all here for each other. Some of these kids don’t have that outside of this place.

  I have always had my mother, but even at a young age, I probably didn’t get the attention that I should have had. She was either too busy with my dad´s drama or simply too busy trying to be invisible to him. Before leaving for Arizona, at least, I had my cousins, but even then I didn´t talk about what happened at home.

  So I got pretty good at hiding my true feelings from everyone. I wonder if I could have come to a place like this growing up, if I would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn’t be so angry all the time. Or at least, have a game plan for after senior year. So far the only plan I had, that I´ve always had, was to not live under my father´s roof more than I needed to.

  I had tried to run away plenty of times as a kid, but I would always come back a few hours later. The thing that made me come back was remembering that if I left, he would take his vengeance on my mother. I couldn´t allow that. Now I had just this one goal. He said he promised, that once I graduated I could leave without any repercussions. Did I believe him? Hell no! But I knew that once I was out of the house, my mother would not have any reason to stay and I was pretty sure that she wouldn´t for long.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” I realize that Cass is next to me. She no longer looks pensive but as if someone has switched the lights on inside her. I can’t help but smile and wish that I was that someone.

  “Huh?”

  “I said, penny for your thoughts? You seemed like you were a little far away just then,” she says and gives me a quick nudge.

  "Well, Miss Mackenzie, if you must know I was thinking about what I´m going to do after we finish school this year. Not everyone has it all figured out like you, Miss.” and I gently tug on her nose to soften the sarcastic remark. She scrunches her face at this and could not be more adorable if she tried.

  “Well, Mr. Silva, I was under the impression that you didn´t care what came next. Aren´t you the boy that says live the day, in the now and not in the what’s next or what if’s?” She teases.

  “I guess lately I´ve had more reasons to think about in the what´s next and what if´s department.”

  It comes out as almost a whisper, but I could swear that she blushed for a minute. I continue but move to a safer topic, for both of our sakes.

  “I mean, you always knew what you wanted to be and what you wanted to achieve. Like I told you before, I don’t have any secret talents, I don’t have any ambition
s or interests, and I am not gifted in any way. So after high school, I´m kinda of stumped.” I smirk at her but realize that she has a knack of prying honesty from me.

  “Well, I don’t agree with that. I don’t agree with that for one minute.” She turns her whole body to face me and I know she is trying to make sure she has all my undivided attention. At this point, I am mentally preparing myself for the lecture on College that I know will follow. “First of all college is where you figure out what you want to do, and that´s exactly what it´s for. To discover who you are and what you want to do.” She says assertively even though I know this textbook answer by heart now.

  “Secondly ... You are gifted! It’s just that you´re just too blind to see it. Look around, Isaac. These kids love you and you´re great with them. You listen, you play with them, and you console them and make them feel like there is nothing that they can’t do. They believe in themselves just because you believe in them. It´s not just the little kids either. Look at how you are with Brandon. I see him grow more confident, more outgoing every single day and that´s all down to you. You gave that to him, that sense that he matters and belongs.” Her voice is full of awe and tenderness.

  “Also, you’re right! I do know what I want and I have it all planned out. I´m going to write to entertain people. That´s my gift.” I don’t hear the pride in her voice; on the contrary, her voice is contrite. “But you, Isaac... You have the greatest gift ever to offer the world! You care. You have heart. You make people better! ”

  With her words still ringing in my ears, I no longer care about promises that I have made to myself. My soul can’t resist her another minute, even if it’s only this once. Her hazel eyes are still on me and I softly grab her chin so she can look into my eyes. So she can see just how her faith in me makes me feel. How she makes me believe her words because she said them. Just a quick glimpse at her face and all I can do is look at her lips. They seem to call out to me, even if only in my mind. Her face is smooth and perfect in my hands, and I can’t stay away from her any longer. My will power doesn´t have the strength to prevent what I’m going to do. I lean in and I see that she has closed her captivating eyes as the white flag that I needed to welcome me in.