by Ines Vieira
I had forgotten how Thanksgivings back in Plymouth were. This past weekend made me remember it a bit but today with my uncle’s house full of our family and friends, not having Cass there only made me come to the understanding that there was only one thing I was thankful for. Her. She was the only real blessing that had come into my life. She was the only thing I couldn’t live without. Having her ignore me for even a day was like a knife stabbing me in the chest every time I tried to breathe.
When I finally saw her downstairs tonight in the living room, it was like oxygen rushing back into my lungs. I tried not to seem too eager so Alex and Jess didn’t pick up on how much I had missed her, but as soon as I got close to her I had to touch her. I needed to make sure that she was really here and it wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me. I had been reduced to spending most of the afternoon in my room stalking her Facebook page and memorizing her face with every picture. But in the flesh, she was so much more.
When I saw her go pale as a ghost downstairs, I thought that I needed to pick her up right there and then and take her to the hospital. My anxiety cooled once I saw it was a false alarm. And now she was in my arms. I knew that she was being sensible in trying to leave. I knew that she was being the responsible one in trying to get out of here before either one of us went too far. But after twenty-four hours without her, I just didn’t care anymore. Even if she didn’t have enough faith in us to believe we would come out of this as friends, I had faith enough for both of us. Cass was it for me. I had never felt about anyone the way I feel for her. How can that be a bad thing? It can’t.
All I had to do now was to make her understand, but I would need to be patient. I would need to give her time. I knew that. But not tonight. Tonight she wouldn’t run. Tonight I could just be. No pretending. No avoiding. No running to the next room so we weren’t alone. Tonight we could just be who we really were with each other and give in. At least for tonight. But with each kiss, I knew that one night would never be enough. I couldn’t get enough of her. I had to stop myself twice from hurling us to my bed. I knew that would not be safe. For either of us. Just standing here in the middle of the room, having her touch my neck, and tug my hair so that I could kiss her harder, deeper, was making me question any previous safety precautions that I had put on myself.
We didn’t say a word. Talking was the furthest thing from our minds, and yet that was also all I wanted to do. I missed her voice. Every time she let out a small groan, I knew that this was the most delicious sound that I had ever heard and I needed to hear more. My hands couldn’t stop; my lips and tongue couldn’t stop. It’s as if they knew this might not happen again. As if the memories I would make tonight, would have to be enough to hold me for a long time. So that’s exactly what they did. They explored everywhere and anywhere that she would let me. I felt that Cass was in the same frame of mind too. Her hands and mouth explored my skin as if she was also going to hold on to this night as a lifeline.
There was nothing that I could deny her. I was hers. Even if she wasn't really mine. She could do with me whatever she wanted. I would have bared my soul to her right there and then if it didn’t pain me to be away from her lips for more than a few seconds. When I did break free, it was to explore the rest of her. I wanted to taste her luscious skin. I wanted to nibble on that damn earlobe that drove me insane. I wanted to do so much more, but every time she said my name, my heart felt as if it was too big to be in my chest and my lips needed to come back home to their rightful place. Those pink succulent lips of hers were home to me now. I wanted more. I wanted all of her but I knew she wouldn’t have me. Even though the thought of that killed me, I was happy just kissing her beautiful cheeks, her neck, her throat to dwell on that thought for too long.
Then heaven closed its gates on us, as we heard Jess frantically calling out for Cass outside my bedroom door. When she barged in through the door I saw by the look on her face that whatever she needed Cass for was way bigger than my father´s spiked punch. We had been able to move away from each other before the door opened, and my arms already felt naked without her in them. Jess’s face looked alarmed as if the next words she would utter would pain Cass.
“Cass, you need to come outside with me right now.” Jess looks over to me as if my presence would be needed and I grab Cass’s hand before I see that she was reaching for me on her own.
“Your mom’s downstairs.” With those three words, Cass pushes Jess away and running down the stairs. I see her panicked eyes roam the living room and I try to follow but I don’t see anyone remotely similar to my girl.
Yes, my girl. Whatever happened next, I promised myself that this would be as much of a certainty for her as it is for me.
“She’s outside,” Jess said speeding down the stairs and grabbing Cass’s other hand to show her the way. When we get outside I feel that there was nothing indicating earlier to this night that this would be how I finally met Cass’s mom. She was shaking in the middle of the front lawn, wearing a white frazzled nightgown with her hair long and wild covering her mid-riff. My uncle´s hands were holding her arms to her sides and my aunt Annie was placing a blanket over her shoulders. My mother is standing next to my aunt with a pained expression on her face, while my father stands behind my uncle with a bottle of beer in his hand. Cass rushes to her mother, leaving me and Jess to run after her. She hugs her mother and I hear her start to sob.
“Mom, are you okay? What are you doing here? Did you walk here? Mom…are you okay?” I hear her saying but it’s not her words that make me want to protect her. It’s the sound of grief and sorrow that bring me to my knees.
“Baby, you’re here. I was so worried.” Cass’s mom hissed, while placing her hand on Cass’s face. I see Cass lean into her hand and close her eyes as if that will stop her tears.
“Yes, mom, I’m here. I’m sorry if I worried you. I didn’t mean to.” Cass whispers, as if each word coming out of her mouth is too private for the rest of us to hear.
“Oh honey, why are you crying? I found you. There’s no need to cry.” Cass’s mom holds her tightly to her and I see a small smile start to appear on her lips, in relief. Even though, everyone that was staring at both of them knew that Cass was never missing. Cass had only been here a couple of hours, if that. Her face was now serene, although she stood here in the middle of the street, in her wet, nearly transparent nightgown, in front of everyone on the snow-covered street. The expression on her face was of blissful tranquility.
“Mom, let’s go home, okay?” Cass whispers and I see my uncle look concerned.
“Cass, querida, maybe we should go to the hospital instead?” The immediate fear that appears in Cass’s eyes makes me know that this is where I step in. I come from the sideline and place myself in front of Cass and her mom and face my own family.
“Tio, it’s okay. Mrs. Mackenzie is fine. She doesn’t need to go to the hospital.” I try to sound as adult as possible to make them understand that taking Cass’s mom to a bunch of doctors on Thanksgiving day was the last thing that would be happening. Uncle Carlos seems unconvinced, though.
“Isaac, Cass’s mom has been out in the cold weather in very light clothing and she may need medical attention. She could be suffering from hypothermia,” he looks down, while he lies to me, knowing full well that hypothermia was not why he thought Cass´s mom needed to see a doctor. I stand my ground in front of the Mackenzie women.
I look back at Cass and see her fear has grown into complete terror. No one will be going to any fucking hospital tonight! I turn around towards my family again and my face is of pure resolve. They will have to go through me. I see my mother place a hand on my aunt’s shoulder and they have a silent conversation of their own. My aunt squeezes my mother’s hand and moves towards my uncle.
“Carlos, my love, I’m sure that Jules is fine. She was worried about not knowing where Cass was, and simply ran out of the house without a thought to see where she was. Cass, dear, did you tell your mother where you’d be tonight?” C
ass must have shook her head because my aunt continues. “See? Poor Jules had no idea where her teenage daughter was and got frighten. You would have probably done the same if it was any of our kids” my aunt says almost rationalizing the whole situation. She’s looking at him as if there is a second meaning to her words and aside from the six of us, I don’t know if anyone picks up on it.
“Think about it,” she says to him, this time, grabbing his hand and squeezing tenderly.
“Annie, she could need help.” My uncle whispers to her.
“So we’ll help. Isaac will drive Jules and Cass home and Tony and Alex will drive behind them. You boys only leave when you make sure that both Cass and her mom are safe at home. Tomorrow I will go with Evelyn and check up on Jules myself. Between tonight and tomorrow, we will see if Jules is sick enough that medical attention is needed. How does that sound?” I see my aunt squeeze my uncle’s hand again and I start to pray that he understands what she was saying to him. I start to breathe again when I see him nod in defeat.
Before he has time to change his mind, I call out to Jess to grab Cass’s coat from inside. I know that both Alex and Tony have been drinking all night, something that both my aunt and uncle are unaware of, so no way was I going to rat them out, but I wasn’t going to let them drive either. I walk over to my mother and ask if she would have a problem if instead of my cousins coming along now, would be okay to pick me up tomorrow morning. My father had been watching the show from the sidelines with Jess but when he hears this he comes in closer. My mother stiffens in his presence, so I know that this is now a three-way conversation. I look at Cass and I see her already walking across the street to her car and opening the back seat door so both of them can get in. My aunt goes with them and I see that she is talking to Cass’s mom as well.
“Spill it boy, what are you really asking permission for?” he says, with those piercing black eyes eroding away my very core.
“I’m asking my mother if it’s okay with me sleeping over at Cass’s tonight. Alex and Tony should stay here. I’ll take care of Cass and her mom.” I hold both my mother’s hand in mine to reinforce my plea, while my father smirks at me in understanding why my cousins shouldn’t be behind the wheel tonight.
“Of course, Isaac. Call me when you get there and let me if you need anything. I’ll keep my phone with me at all times, okay?” she says and I kiss her hands with gratitude.
“I don’t know which one is worse. That maluca in the car or you letting our teenage son sleep in the same house as his girlfriend.” He grunts. He grabs my arm and with all his force, he squeezes it tight. Tomorrow morning I know that I’ll be sore.
“You listen here, boy! Don’t you even think about getting that one knocked up! Crazy must run in the family and it will be a cold day in hell before I have retards for grandchildren!”
It takes all my inner strength not to spit on him right there and then. I don’t know how I kept myself from slugging him, and who was he to call Cass’s mom crazy, to infer that I was only going there to get laid, or that any children that we’d have would be imperfect?
“You think good and hard before unzipping your pants. Remember this family doesn’t believe in abortion. If it did you wouldn’t be here now would you?” Another smirk and now it’s my mom’s turn to hold my hands. Not to comfort but to control my temper. I hate him! I hate him with every cell in my body. I hate how he could turn such a difficult situation into something so perverse. I hate him, but most of all I hate that he feeds off my hate.
“Go, Isaac, go.” My mom whispers and kisses my cheek, while at the same time pushing me towards Cass’s car. Jess is already handing Cass her coat, so I run over to Cass’s car and fling myself into the front seat. My whole body is a volcano fueled with disgust and anger, but as soon as my hands grab the wheel and I hear Cass’s low cry in her mother’s neck, I remember what is truly important. Not the hatred I feel for my father, but the love I feel for Cass.
The whole ride over to Cass’s house, I hear her mom soothing her daughter's whispered cries. From my mirror I see her stroke Cass’ hair over and over again, the way my own mother would do when I was a child and afraid. If anyone saw them right now together, they would think that Cass’s mom was comforting her daughter from the aftermath of a sad event. No one would think that Cass’s mom is the reason she can't keep the tears from falling down her face.
I pull into Cass’s driveway, but not before I notice that all the lights in the house are on, and the front door is wide open. From the way the house was abandoned there is no doubt in my mind that Cass’s mom was, in fact, panicked when she couldn’t find her. A logical person would have called. Someone that was in their right mind, would have used the phone, or at least, gotten dressed before they left the house. Cass’s mom didn’t do either. Then again the woman that I met tonight didn’t seem rational or as together as her daughter.
Once we arrived, Cass’s transformation was immediate. She wiped her tears, and led her mother out of the car. Even though her eyes were swollen and her face was as pale as the snowflakes that were falling on our heads, her features were stoic as she grabbed hold of her mom and entered her house.
I took one step inside and closed the door behind me leaving the cold on the other side of it. Before making their way up the stairs, Cass told me to make myself at home and that she was going to put her mother to bed. It was the oddest sentence I think I had ever heard. I nodded and watched her hug her mother’s waist with one arm and lean on the wall with the other for support as they made their way up the stairs.
I was still in the front hall, frozen still. Every light in the house was on; from ceiling lamps to the small decorative ones on tables; from the lights in the living room to my right, to the lights in the kitchen to my left.
I made my way into each room, turning them off. Cass’s home was bright and warm. Her living room had two large sofas in the middle facing an 40’’inch tv on the wall above a fake fireplace. Although the two sofas were soft cream, they had elaborate colorful throw pillows. The walls were white but also covered in color, with the most amazing pieces of art. The largest was a breathtaking piece full of gold, red and orange strokes. It reminded me of the hair I saw on the frail woman that Cass had taken to bed. On the bottom of the painting where the initials N.M. I wondered if this was one of Nick’s paintings. If it was then the kid definitely had talent. I had no interest in art, but I appreciated beauty and this painting was the embodiment of beauty.
I looked around the room one more time and saw photos on the mantle over the fireplace. One, in particular, grabbed my attention. A young red haired beauty looking into the eyes of a man that seems to be the older version of Nick. Both are laying on a field of grass, with each holding to their chest a young child napping. Each seems like looking into the other’s eyes while holding their children close is the definition of happiness. I almost feel like this is such a personal, intimate moment that I am somehow violating said happiness just by staring at it.
“Hey,” Cass whispers behind me. I didn’t hear her come down, and suddenly I feel like I’ve been caught doing something wrong. She follows my gaze to the photograph and offers me a small smile.
“I guess you were right after all, huh? Why give life the extra ammo of falling in love? Even the most beautiful love ends up in heartbreak, one way or another.” I bite the inside of my cheek hard and I curse myself for ever saying that to her.
“I’m tired. I’m so freaking tired.” She lets out a sigh and I see her whole body want to shut down.
“Come on.” I pull her towards me and make my way to the stairs. She leans her head on my shoulder as if too exhausted to argue. When we get up the stairs I ask her which one is hers, and I’m pleased to learn that it’s the first one to the left so we don’t have to walk any further. I open the door and the air in the room is all Cass. The room is the same size as the one I have at my uncle’s, but the walls here are not plastered with football players or sporty cars. The walls are
white and gray but two of them have poems and famous quotes from great writers and poets. I can't help but try to imagine Cass up at night looking at these same walls, imagining her own quotes on someone else’s walls someday. There is a desk next to the window with her computer and books all neatly stacked on it. There is the same soft carpeting on the floor and I see that under her windows, there are two large pillows on the floor, with piles of books stacked against the wall. Her bed is in the center of the room with a white duvet on it and purple blanket on top. Again there is an exaggerated amount of pillows on the bed. I lead her to it and sit her down. This is the second time I’ve done this today.
“Where are your pajamas?” I ask softly stroking her face. She points to the chair in front of her desk and I see a white t-shirt and gray sweat pants. I bring it over to her and place them on the bed. I lift her arms and she is too numb to put up a fight. I take off the hunter green cashmere sweater and begin to replace it with the white t-shirt. I avoid at all times to staring at the pale pink bra she has on. I kneel on the floor and remove her blue converse sneakers as well as her white cotton socks. When I stand up, there is some life back in those eyes, even if only a flicker.
“You can use the sweatpants. They are an old pair of my dad’s so they should fit you.” She starts to pull back the covers when I realize that the old white t-shirt that I dressed her with must be her dad’s too. Her mom isn't the only one that misses him. How could one man be this lucky and at the same time cause so much suffering? I take the sweat pants and move to the other side of the bed. I turn my back to her so that she is comfortable enough to take off her jeans and I hear her shuffling her way inside the bed. I’m quicker with undressing myself than I was at dressing Cass and place my own clothes on the same chair I got her pajamas from. I look over towards her and see that her eyes are closed. She’s not sleeping, I know that, but her closing her eyes means that she doesn’t want to talk about anything that's happened tonight. I write a small text to my mother telling her that both Cass’s mom and Cass are already in bed, but to keep her phone next to her in case I need her. I don’t know how the night will play out and even though I’m confident that I can protect them both, I still feel like a small lost boy that wants his own mom to know that he needs her too. My mom is quick to reply and says that she will have her phone with her at all times and that both she and my aunt will come by first thing in the morning.