by Ines Vieira
Jess is about to go on one of her rants when Isaac opens the porch door. Her eyes go black with rage as if Isaac was the incarnation of all her anger and gets up to leave. She then points at both of us
“And this, whatever this is, it better not screw up our trip. This trip was for me and you and Ronnie to have one last adventure before college, so this,” she says continuing to point at each of us in turn, “Better not get in the way of that!” And with that, she goes into the house leaving me alone with Isaac.
“Well, good morning to you too, cuz!” Isaac yells after her. He then makes his way to the porch swing but decides not to sit next to me. Instead, he leans on the porch rail. I don’t look up but instead, stare at my feet. I’ll have to look up sooner or later as I feel his stare on me.
“What?” I finally say, but it comes out angrier than I wanted it too.
“What she says. Not the first words I expected to hear from you this morning. No, not at all how I pictured this morning.” Yes, he is angry. I didn’t imagine it in the kitchen. Definitely angry. He continues to stare me down and I try to be as composed and cool as possible. Before I say anything, he moves over to me and sits down where Jess had just been.
“You see I imagined various scenarios of this morning, and none of these scenarios involved me waking up alone, getting teased by my cousins and having another cousin angry at me for helping her out. Not to mention getting the evil eye from you, of all people. No, this morning has nothing on last night, yet it does tarnish it a bit, don’t you think?” He looks at me with that lion of a face with light blond stubble surrounding those full red lips. Just like that, I’m fixated on his mouth. As if reading my thoughts he leans closer.
“You are full of surprises aren’t you, Cassandra? When were you going to tell me that what we did last night was your first time?” I feel like a bucket of ice water has just been poured all over me. I struggle, but the words come out strange and high pitched.
“What? What are you talking about?” I swallow hard and feel him leaning closer.
“Cass, I know it was your first time. I could show you the evidence, but I think that my aunt is washing it as we speak. You could have told me you know? I mean if I’d known…” He looks at me expectantly and sighs and then I answer what only occurred to me right at that moment.
“If you’d known you wouldn’t have.” He gives me a lopsided smile.
“I wish that was true. I don’t think I’m that good of a guy. But I would have had wanted to be given that choice.” He is being earnest and staring at his feet and I can see that he is debating with the “what ifs.”
“Well, what is done is done. Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to change anything. We’re okay. We can just pretend it didn’t happen.” The words come out before I can stop them.
«What am I saying?! » I don’t want to pretend. I want to tell him that last night was the closest to true happiness that I had ever been, but instead, I say to forget about it and that we’re okay? What the hell is my mouth saying? But it’s too late. I feel Isaac already stiffening and standing up.
“Okay then. I just wanted to check on you and see that you were okay. Last night you were upset and I just wanted to see that you felt better. I see that you do, so I’m going to get ready for school.” His face is blank, but his eyes are cold like icebergs. I die a little as he leaves me in the cold. Well, that’s it. That’s the end of that. Why the hell did I text him last night? Why the hell did I go up to his room? Why the hell did I kiss him? I knew this was going to ruin everything. Right now I needed Isaac. He was the air that I needed.
Now the walls were coming down on me and oxygen was a luxury item that I could not afford to lose. I had to make this right. That’s what I am. A fixer. I’m finding that my time has come to this one objective. To fix all, that is broken. My mother, my family, my friends and now Isaac. I try to stop the bleeding with pressure here or there but sooner or later this body will hemorrhage itself out.
No, I can’t think like that. Everything has a solution. I will figure out what it is, somehow, and everything will be back to normal. Mom will be okay and Isaac and I will be friends again. Everything will be fine.
My chest is tight and I start to gasp for the air that is not coming. Oh no, not now! Please God, not now! I run inside looking for my backpack. My inhaler. That’s all I need. My inhaler. This is just a small asthma attack caused by stress and anxiety. That’s all this is so control it. You know what to do.
«Don’t panic. » I keep telling myself, but while my eyes search the living room again and don’t locate my bag, panic is all but consuming my brain right now and logical thought has left the building. My brain screams out «Isaac’s room». My bag is in Isaac’s room.
I rush upstairs, knowing that won’t help my lungs one bit and barge into his room. Luckily no one is in there as I look around and find what I need. My bag is on his chair and I recover my beloved and friendly inhaler. I sit on the bed and take two puffs and start to feel calmer. Breathe in, breathe out. Two more puffs. Breathe in, breathe out. I do this for a minute or so and I almost feel like myself again.
I place my inhaler back in my bag. My hands are placed on the duvet and as a reflex, I look at the two pillows side by side at the top of the bed. What a difference an hour makes. Two, three hours make.
“Reminiscing are we?” Jess is at the door with her hand on her hip. “You’ll tell me all about it while you drive me to school. Come on. The boys will meet us there later. Come on already.” Jess gives me a hug and we make our way out of the house without seeing anyone else
I am gutted.
CHAPTER 18
ISAAC
All day long I feel her eyes on me. All fucking day long. But I don’t look at her, I don’t talk to her, I don’t even acknowledge her presence. I can’t. It hurts too much. Her words from this morning are on repeat in my brain. In a complete loop, and over and over I hear her voice saying that we should pretend that nothing happened. That everything should stay exactly as it was before.
I can’t.
I won’t pretend.
Apparently, what happened last night to her was a mistake. She regrets each and every touch. Every time she stares at me, if I even attempt to look at her, that’s what I’ll see in her eyes. Regret. I can't handle that. Not when I don’t regret a damn fucking thing. Last night when she texted that she needed to come over, I knew that something was up. She wouldn’t just drop by in the middle of the night if something didn’t happen back at her place. I can only assume that whatever happened, it had to do with her mom. Cass didn’t want to talk about it but there was no hiding the fear and pain in her eyes. It was plastered all over her face along with her tears. I thought that maybe this morning she would open up, so I didn’t pressure her last night.
Then she kissed me. She touched me and I all of me surrendered to her. I was so consumed by her that I honestly thought that this was her way of telling me she loved me too. I felt it. I felt her passion, her warmth. I felt her love. It wasn’t all in my head. It was real.
The images of last night are the only things that interrupt the vicious loop of the words she spoke to me this morning. I don’t know what kills me more; those images of her giving herself to me last night, or her running away from me this morning.
I can't look at her. If I do, I don’t know what side of me she will see. The anger that I feel fueling my every breath, or will I show her how defeated and destroyed I am? Since both of these options are out of the question, I can't look at her.
I won't.
She drove herself to the Youth Center and I have barely said a word to anyone the whole day. Even poor Brandon picked up on my frustration and didn’t say a word the whole ride over. At the center, it's pretty much the same. The kids sense that I’m off, but I’m trying as hard as I can for this not to affect my time with them. After a few hours, I feel myself pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind and finally can be present for them. After we call it a day, I�
��m exhausted with the pretense. I start to clean up when I feel the hairs on my back telling me that I’m not alone anymore. Of course, she had to pick now to confront me. Thinking that, this was a safe place to do it. I turn to face her and she looks infuriated at me. So anger wins out for both of us it seems.
“What?!”
“What?! What do you mean what? So is this how you’re gonna play this? You’re actually going to give me the silent treatment?” Her voice is high-pitched and I pick up on the flare in her eyes that tells me that she wants to slap me. Her whole body tenses just a couple of steps away from me.
“Don’t tempt me, Cassandra. I’m honoring exactly what you asked for this morning.” My voice is arctic, so much so, that it even hurts my own ears to hear how I sound.
“Really? This is you trying to pretend that nothing happened? It looks more like punishment to me,” she scoffs.
“Punishment? I’m punishing you? I think you have that the other way around darling.” I know that it’s petty of me calling her darling and knowing how much she hates it, but I can't resist stirring that anger in her. I want her to be angry; I want her to be annoyed. I want her to feel everything that I’m feeling and it shames me to know it.
“This is not supposed to be a punishment for anyone. I’ve had all day to think about this and I think that it’s the best way.” She eyes the floor and the anger in her voice is starting to waver but mine is just getting started.
“You mean the best way for you. Right? That’s what you mean, Cassandra. Everything has to be on your terms, your way. Well, I’m sick of it. Things don’t have to always be the way you want them to be. Not with me and not with your mother.” Her head immediately lifts off the ground and stares incredulously back at me as if I have just slapped her instead of the other way around as she intended.
“What does my mother have to do with this? What are you trying to say?”
“Isn't it obvious, Cass? You want your life to be so fucking perfect that once shit gets real, you run. Your mother shows some cracks and what do you do? Run like a scared child. A selfish child at that! She doesn’t have a problem, you do. She can get better. People suffer from depression every day. It doesn't have to be a sordid little shameful secret. You’re the one that makes it that way. You’re the one that makes her feel like that. Nicky doesn’t. He supports her through and through. Your father doesn’t. He’s miles away and still he’s there for her. What about you, Cass? Huh? How do you handle it? You hide in here, at school, with your friends. You hide with me. You do everything not to be next to her and face it head one. You act like you’re strong, but in reality, you are a weak little girl that can't face it when life isn’t the perfect story line that you had created in your mind. You’re doing it to your mother, and now you want to do it to me.”
I see her eyes water and I know that all the venom that is leaving my lips is hurting her in ways that she didn’t think possible. But I can't stop myself. A voice inside me tells me to shut up, not to say another word, but the anger I feel has me seeing red and all I want to do is hurt her just as much. If she doesn’t love me, then by god she will hate me. That’s the only way I can walk away from this.
“How can you say that to me? You know me.”
“Do I? Or do I know a version of you? I’ve been fucking honest with you from day one. Have you been that way with me? Fuck no. That would force you to live life. You always whine about how you hate to see your mother on pause in life, but what about you, huh? You’ve been hiding all of your life. You have this obsession that going off to college is when life will fucking start, but news flash Cass, life started the day that you were born. You don’t plan life, it just happens. And you sure as hell can’t control the things that happen to you. They just do. So now you want to control how our relationship is supposed to be. You want friendship, right? Cause why not? It’s safe and comfortable and you don’t have to deal with feelings that you don’t understand and still keep me around.”
“Well, let me tell you how this is gonna go. Fuck being friends! If I was that important to you, you wouldn’t ask me to forget about what happened last night. Because I can't. And you sure as hell wouldn’t ask me to keep being just your friend because I can’t do that either.”
Now my anger is starting to crumble. Every word has taken the effect that I wanted, and it's ripping my insides apart. I see her fight back the welling of tears that are just on the surface, and her lower lip starts to quiver. Her whole body is trembling and it takes all of me not to take the two steps I need to be close enough to hold her. She’s breaking in front of me and I’m the one holding the hammer that causes the damage. I swallow hard and feel my mouth dry up. I just want to turn back the clock, but I’ve come too far now. Just one more nail, and it's over. I just don’t have the courage to do it. I can hurt her more if I wanted to, but in doing so, I think that my soul would be condemned immediately to hell. So I just walk away.
“Isaac… I…” the anguish in her voice is gut-wrenching, so I don’t turn around. If I do, I’ll take it all back, every single word. I’m frozen in place and shut my eyes as hard as I can.
“Don’t worry, Cass. You don’t have to say a thing. I’m done. Just pretend that you never met me. You’re good at playing pretend anyway.”
I leave her there and force myself to not look back. I don’t even lock up the gym. I decide to come back in a couple of hours and do that. Right now I need to be the hell away from this place. Away from her. I get in my car and drive. I know that I’m still angry but right now I just want to feel numb. I want to embrace it with open arms the feeling of total apathy. But the image of her broken makes it hard to feel sullen.
Last night had been perfect. The feel of her soft skin under mine was something that would take a lifetime to forget. The look in those hazel eyes looking back at me, as I loved her truly and completely, were branded in me. How the hell could she want me to forget that? How the hell could she push her feelings aside out of fear? Because that’s all it was. Fear of losing me and by putting me in my place, that’s exactly what she has done. She drove me to do this. Right? Or did I lose faith too soon? Could I have just played along in her delusion and wore her down until she accepted that her giving herself to me last night wasn’t just a random thing? She did it because she wanted to. Because she wanted me. Because she loves me. Right?
I’m so fucking confused that I don’t know what the difference between up and down is anymore. She’s put me in such a state of total chaos that it makes me doubt everything that I thought. This aching feeling that I have that she is just scared, keeps eating a hole in my brain. Maybe that was it, just crippling fear that made her think that the best course of action for her was just to put us having sex under the rug for a second. Maybe it was how she could cope with something so big. She just didn’t count on me not going along with her plan. I couldn’t. I can't hide anymore. I had been breaking apart these past months just being next to her and not being able to actually be with her. This was my breaking point. Cass telling me that we being together last night should just be forgotten, for me, had been the most hurtful thing that anybody has ever said to me. That’s saying a lot since I have lived with hurtful words all my god damned life.
If she had only given me my space, just some time to cool off maybe I would have been able to approach this conversation in another way. Maybe I would have been able to show her that she had nothing to be afraid of. Instead by pushing me tonight, I played into all her fears. It ended just like she predicted even before it actually started. Because we never had a chance. We put limits on it right from the get go. Too afraid of losing each other that when we finally gave into what we actually felt, we both retaliated the only way we knew how. Cass runs away while I blow it all up to smithereens. That’s what we do. I just thought that we wouldn’t give in to fear and anger with each other. I thought that we would overcome these habits for each other. Apparently I was delusional, too. I guess love really does make suckers of us all
.
I decide to drive home and wash these feelings off me. Maybe a good long shower will make me see things clearer. When I finally get there I see my father sitting on the porch nursing his glass of whiskey before dinner. I regret my decision in coming home immediately, but it's too late. He’s already seen me. I get out of the car and walk up the front steps hoping that he won't acknowledge me, but I’m shit out of luck tonight.
“So I heard you had company last night.” His sneer makes my hands immediately tense into fists.
“I don’t know what you're talking about.”
“Oh no?” He takes a small sip of his favorite brown liquid and I see it firing up his pit black eyes.
“When I came home last night, I couldn’t help but hear you two in your room. Seems like you popped that cherry after all.” I try to swallow my repugnance while fixing my eyes on the door.
“She’s a sweet little thing, isn’t she? I bet she tasted sweet too.” My whole body goes rigid with his words.
“Don’t talk about her like that,” I growl back. He lets out a small laugh indicating that he would do the very opposite of my demand.
“She’s not a talker, but she sure as hell is a moaner. It’s a wonder that the whole house didn’t hear you two last night. It kind of made me want to take a small peek of her in action. Unfortunately, the door was locked.” He licks his lips and I feel like beating his head in with a bat.
“Next time, don’t lock the door.” I’m gripping my fists so tight that my finger nails have drawn blood from my palms.
“There won't be a next time, so you’re going to have to get your kicks elsewhere, old man.”