Second Hand Heart

by Hyde, Catherine Ryan

  And it had taken me a minute to realize she was referring to the hike. Our exhaustion from the hike. Somehow I’d thought she’d meant … I was about ready to fall over and die because she’d dropped into my life without warning, and was sharing a seat with me and chatting like we were old friends …

  Anyway. I was tongue-tied, and didn’t answer, so she turned her attention out into the canyon.

  And she said, “We should be sick to death of it, shouldn’t we? We should’ve gotten our fill by now. But here we are. Still staring. It’s just so vast and beautiful.”

  I sat up in bed.

  Vida was looking for the Grand Canyon.

  I shook the sleep out of my brain. Rubbed my eyes. Talked myself out of it.

  I lay back down.

  That was a big jump. That was a bit silly. Just because the words vast and beautiful came up in more than one place.

  But then I thought about Vida’s postcard. About how she’d asked me if Lorrie was a hiker. She must have remembered something about one of Lorrie’s hikes. Which one would likely come through as the most important? That’s obvious, right? If she was going to remember one hike, wouldn’t the Grand Canyon hike be the one?

  I talked myself out of it again. I was only putting things together a certain way because I wanted them that way. I was adding two and two and getting thirtyone.

  Except … then there was also that postcard she’d left for Abigail. She’d said she was looking for something. And Isabelle, of course, had also said she was looking for something, something that had everything to do with me.

  Vida was looking for something vast and beautiful that had everything to do with me and something to do with hiking.

  I sat back up again.

  My first coherent thought was this: Boy, are you ever going to feel stupid when you haul all the way out to the Grand Canyon and find out you were only imagining things. That you were being completely delusional.

  But, do you notice I said when? I didn’t say if.

  There was already no doubt in my mind that, stupid or not, delusional or not, I was going. I had limited options in this situation. Who even knew how many chances I might get? Right or wrong, crazy or sane, I had to take this shot.

  • • •

  I checked my email before I left, in case Vida had emailed. After all, she obviously hadn’t called. And she’d sworn I’d be the second to know.

  Nothing from Vida.

  But, as if life thrived on upping the ante of my profound confusion, I did find a note from Connie.

  From: Connie Matsuko

  To: Richard Bailey

  Sorry this took me so long, I guess I had too many internal tapes playing on the subject of what was going on inside your head. What you must think of me. I guess it’s none of my business, though, so here it is.

  And under that was her phone number.

  I quickly hit reply. Maybe it was better that I didn’t have a lot of time to over-think my response.

  From: Richard Bailey

  To: Connie Matsuko

  People who allow themselves to be vulnerable always amaze me. I don’t know how they/you do it. It’s perplexing, but admirable. That’s what I think of you.

  Then I hit send and got myself out the door.

  CHAPTER 7: VIDA

  On Calling Richard from Tusayan

  We left Sunday morning, and drove for a while, and then I asked Victor if we could stop in Tusayan so I could make a phone call. That’s sort of the last stop before the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. He got sulky and quiet and didn’t ask any questions, so I guess he figured out who I needed to call.

  I’d promised Richard, though. I promised him that when I figured it out, he’d be the second to know.

  So we stopped at a gas station, and I gathered up all the change from the ashtray in Victor’s car, pretending not to see that he was giving me hurt looks.

  I looked at all the change and knew I would have to talk fast.

  But in the end it didn’t really matter, because Richard wasn’t even home.

  I left a message on his machine.

  I said, “OK, I figured it out now. I’m going back to where I met you. I mean, to where she met you. Because if I can find the place where she met you, then you have to believe me.” Then I almost hung up, but right before I did, I said, “Oh. This is Vida. In case you didn’t know.”

  CHAPTER 8: RICHARD

  The Meadow in Question

  Not too far north of the Grand Canyon’s North Rim is southern Utah. The red-rock desert of Utah. I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s just a few miles away. Only that there’s nothing much in-between. You’re in Kanab, Utah, and you head south, and suddenly you’re over the border into Arizona. Then there’s a little town called Fredonia, and an even smaller one called Jacob Lake, which is hardly even a town by any reasonable standard. Then you’re in the Kaibab National Forest, which is closely connected with the North Rim Grand Canyon, but doesn’t resemble it in any way.

  It all happens very fast.

  Why am I bothering to write this down?

  Because it was an area full of emotional difficulty for me. Or … well, an area full of emotions, let’s say. Let’s not try to pin down the difficulty of them. Some of them were difficult, others felt welcome. The vast majority seemed to be a combination of the two, leaving me in a state of emotional whiplash.

  Here’s the issue: it was only the second time I’d ever been to this area. Which caused me to see the two trips as something like a set of bookends, neatly encapsulating the Lorrie era of my life. I came here once just before I met her. Now I’m here again just after losing her. If that’s not a set of bookends, what is?

  Plain, no-longer-used bookends. Nothing left in between.

  After you get off Route 89A, you have to pick up the little Route 67, which is also called the Grand Canyon Highway. I guess because that’s the only place it goes. It starts at the 89A, goes to the North Rim, and ends.

  The first time I saw the scenery along this Route 67, I was mainly struck by the extent to which it was not at all what I’d expected.

  It’s at a very high elevation, parts of it even higher than the rim itself, and it’s all green forest. It doesn’t resemble the red rock of the canyon, and it doesn’t look anything like the image a brain would conjure up to match Arizona landscape. It’s just trees. A very green, seemingly endless forest, dotted with these truly lovely high mountain meadows that line the route.

  One of these meadows was special. And I was looking for it. Would I know one meadow from another nine years later? I hoped so. Yet I knew in my heart there was guesswork involved.

  I pulled off the road and parked at the first one I saw. I remembered the low split-rail fence. Or did they all have that?

  I decided I would only drive myself crazy if I tried to find the right meadow all these years later. I should just get out of the car, lie in the meadow at hand, and assume this was either it or close enough.

  The sun was nearly down by this time, the weather warm, the sky cloudless. A perfect summer evening. I stretched out on my back in the grass and allowed myself to replay the moment.

  After I met Lorrie on the patio of the North Rim Lodge, we talked for a long time, and she told me she’d hiked from the South Rim. Cross-canyon, rim-to-rim, in three days.

  “How are you getting back?” I asked. “Don’t tell me you’re going to hike it back?”

  “No, I’m taking the shuttle,” she said. “Staying here tonight, and then tomorrow I catch the shuttle that goes around the long way to the South Rim. Back to my car.”

  It was an interesting way to put it. The long way to the South Rim. By vehicle it was the only way. The short way, I had to guess, was the way she had just come.

  That’s when I lied.

  “I’m going to the South Rim tomorrow. Why don’t you let me drive you? The shuttle’s kind of expensive.” I’d looked into the shuttle myself. Thinking it would be cool to keep hiking until I go
t to the South Rim. But when I found out the price of the ride, I decided I’d spent enough on this little vacation already, and opted instead to just hike down and back. Simpler. Cheaper. I hadn’t exactly had money coming out of my ears back then. And I’d been hoping she didn’t, either. Because I couldn’t think of any other reason for her to say yes. “That seems like asking a lot,” she said. “Since you don’t even know me.”

  But I think she already knew I wanted to know her. “I’m going right to it anyway,” I said. “How can it be any trouble?”

  And she agreed. And since I’m pretty sure she knew by then that I was trying to get to know her, I could only conclude that she must have wanted me to, and I was elated.

  I drove from the campground to the lodge at seven o’clock the following morning and she was waiting outside for me, her enormous backpack lying on the tarmac at her feet.

  We headed north, up the little Route 67, chatting about something I don’t specifically recall. It might have had something to do with a status report on our legs, especially our quadriceps and Achilles tendons. It’s a reasonable enough guess, anyway. People who’ve just hiked the canyon have a tendency to talk about the muscles in their legs. It comes with the territory. Literally.

  Then we got to one of those lovely Alpine-type meadows.

  “You know,” I said. “On the way in, I was really tempted to stop and lie spread-eagle in the grass on one of these meadows, like little kids do in the fresh snow. You know. When they’re about to make a snow angel.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it seemed silly.”

  “Stop the car,” she said.

  “I don’t really want to. It was just a crazy thought.”

  “I do, though. I want to. Stop the car.”

  “Too late. We’re past it now.”

  “So? Back up. There’s nobody behind us.”

  I braked. Looked in the rear-view mirror. She was right. There wasn’t a soul on the road apart from us.

  I put my tiny old car in reverse and pulled back several yards and off on to the shoulder, and before I had even come to a full stop she was out of the car and dashing through the grass like a happy little kid.

  I followed her, jumping over the low rail fence the way she had, and lying down beside her, close enough that we could talk, but not close enough to make her edgy. After all, we were relative strangers.

  It was cold. So cold that the grass was still a little frosty.

  “You’re not spread-eagle,” she said.

  “Oh. Right.” I corrected my mistake. “I’m not sure why I didn’t do this when I first thought of it.”

  “Neither am I,” she said. “Do you usually need a little help being spontaneous?”

  “Oh, no,” I said. “No. Not at all. I usually need a huge amount of help being spontaneous.”

  She laughed — giggled actually — and in that laugh was the happy and welcome answer to the question that had rattled in my mind since meeting her. She liked me. I could tell by the laugh. It was overly amused, more so than the situation really called for. Halfway to flirty, though she probably hadn’t consciously planned it that way.

  Who knows? Who really knows what’s going on in somebody else’s head? I sure waste a lot of time wondering and worrying about it, though.

  We just lay like that for a while. I was watching our breath puff out in steamy clouds, liking the way the morning breeze made the clouds of her breath chase the clouds of mine.

  “I have a confession to make,” I said. My lips felt numb, and the words sounded poorly articulated as I spoke them.

  “Oh, damn. I knew it. I just knew it. You’re a serial murderer. There’s always a catch, isn’t there? There’s no such thing as a free ride.”

  “I’m not a serial murderer.”

  “OK, what, then?”

  “I wasn’t really going to the South Rim. Before I found out you were going there, I was headed home. My original plan was just to go home.”

  A long silence.

  “Well then, it’s a good thing we started all the way down at serial murderer. Because, from that vantage point, ‘little white lie teller’ doesn’t sound so bad in comparison.”

  “OK,” I said. “Thanks. I think.”

  More time lying there in silence. Maybe a second or two. Maybe three.

  Then she said, “Do you honestly think I didn’t know that already?”

  It’s possible that I knew, in that moment, that I would spend my life with her. It’s also possible that I only knew I wanted to.

  I definitely didn’t know that the time I’d be given to share with her wouldn’t nearly match the length of my life.

  I got up and drove on. Both then and now.

  Only, this time I drove on alone.

  I arrived at the front desk of the Grand Canyon Lodge at nearly half past nine Sunday evening.

  A very young woman staffed the desk. Very young. She looked about twelve.

  “I’m the guy who called three times from the road,” I said.

  “I sensed that,” she said. “So, here’s what I have for news. Good news and bad news. The good news is, we got one cancellation. And the really good news for you is that we called all five parties on the wait list, and only one still wanted it. The rest’ve moved on. So, that’s the good news. You’re now suddenly number one on the list for a cancellation.”

  “And the bad news is, there are no more cancellations.”

  “Not at this time, no.”

  “And I’m sure the campground is full.”

  “I’m sure they have an even longer wait list than we do,” she said.

  “OK, thanks. I gave you my cell number, right?”

  “Three times. I absolutely promise you, if we get something, you’ll be the first to know.”

  “Thanks.”

  I’m not sure why I had anticipated a miracle as I was driving. Felt one coming, almost. But maybe being number one on the waiting list — at the only lodging on the North Rim, in the middle of the summer — was miracle enough.

  In any case, it would have to do for now. It was all I was going to get.

  I almost told myself it was too late to go out on the sun porch. Why, I’m not sure. Because it was dark? Yeah. Maybe. Who wants to sit out there in the pitch dark with no view of the canyon?

  But then I stepped out the front door of the lodge into the barely cool late evening, and looked up to see a huge, bright crescent of a waning moon.

  Who wouldn’t want to sit out there and look at the canyon by moonlight?

  But maybe it closed at dark.

  Then again, maybe not. Probably not. How could the lodge management justify kicking people off the outdoor patio half an hour or an hour after the canyon by sunset morphed into the canyon by moonlight?

  No. It must be accessible all night.

  I walked around the outside of the lodge toward the rim, fresh out of excuses. The only excuse I had left was the real one. The God’s honest truth.

  This was going to hurt.

  Lorrie and I had originally planned to come to this lodge, to this sun porch, several years ago to celebrate the five-year anniversary of the day we met. But it was also our wedding anniversary, and Myra surprised us with cruise tickets. Then the year after that Lorrie couldn’t get away from her teaching for that long, so, for reasons I could no longer recreate, we decided to postpone it for the tenth anniversary of the day, which would have been our eighth wedding anniversary.

  That would have been this October. We were going to do this together. The very thing I was about to do now. Step on to the sun porch at the North Rim Lodge. We were going to do that. Together. Less than three months from now. That had been the plan.

  I even had lodge reservations, which I had never thought to cancel.

  And, of course, while making these plans, it never once occurred to either one of us that either one of us wouldn’t have that long to live. I guess I shouldn’t speak for Lorrie. But if she had
any prescience of what was to come, she didn’t share it with me. I guess it’s not the type of thing one shares.

  I stood in the grass on the hill just over the sun porch and took in the view in the moonlight. Both the canyon view and the view of the patio itself. Many of the chairs were doubles, like little outdoor love seats for two. And all of the star gazers were couples.

  There were no single gazers. There was no Vida.

  There was an empty single chair, but I didn’t take it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to go down there.

  I sank on to my haunches in the grass, overwhelmed with a sudden fear. Maybe I had missed Vida. Maybe she had already come and gone. Or maybe I was an idiot, and she was never headed in this direction at all.

  I rose and walked back to my car, which I’d purposely parked in the more sparsely traveled far end of the parking lot, and curled up in the back seat for the best night’s sleep I could manage.

  CHAPTER 9: VIDA

  On Getting to the South Rim

  Victor and Jax and I got stuck in a real long line of cars waiting to get into the park. You had to stop at these little buildings about the size of a toll booth, and the cars got pretty backed up.

  It was already getting warm, so we rolled down all the windows. Lucky we just came from days and days in the desert, so whatever kind of warm the Grand Canyon had to throw at us, it was going to be pretty much nothing to us now.

  One car moved through and we pulled up a little, and I heard Victor take a big deep breath.

  “Holy shit,” he said.

  And I said, “What?”

  “It costs twenty-five dollars to get in.”

  “Twenty-five dollars? That seems like a lot. Are you sure?”

  “Look for yourself.”

  So I grabbed hold of the steering wheel and leaned way over his lap, and then I could read the signs. Jax sat up in the back seat and he looked, too. Like he wanted to know what everybody thought was so interesting.

  “Yup,” I said. “Twenty-five dollars. That’s a lot.”