Fighting for control, I glance at my text messages. Brayden sent a text saying he’ll be busy the next few days because Cameron, Jenson and his fiancé, Olivia, all came into town early. He said they’ll be at the football game and party too. At the end of the text, he added, Lei, sorry I ran out last night. Let’s talk Friday.
I exhale and call Sophia.
Sophia knocks on my window. I walk over to see her face peering through the glass.
“What about knocking on the door?” I say as I let her in.
“That’s no fun.” She takes off her coat and hat and shakes out her hair. “It’s cold out this morning, honey. Feels like fall passed us by all of a sudden.”
“It’s just a temporary chill. It’s supposed to warm up again by tomorrow.”
Sophia takes a seat on the couch in the same spot Brayden and I were in last night. I sit down next to her and reach over to take a piece of lint off Sophia’s sweater. Her eyes follow my movement, and she shrieks.
“Your ring is gone!”
I raise my hands to calm her. “I know, I know. I didn’t take it off on purpose or anything…”
“Well, where is it?” Sophia asks. “Did Brayden rip it off your finger in a moment of passion?”
“Yes, yes he did. He thought it would be really romantic and sexy to forcibly tear a piece of string off my finger. It turned me on so much I just let him do it.”
“Ha, ha.” Sophia pokes my arm. “You could be into kinky things, who knows.”
“I’m not into anything that involves having to explain to Phillip I’ve lost this ring. I don’t have a freaking clue where it went. The thing is, Phillip and I had an argument.”
I tell her what happened, and she tsks her way through the next ten seconds. Then she says, “I don’t like that Phillip did that. But what bothers me the most is how much it clearly upset you. You two have always been a team, especially with this whole academic slash science thing you have going on. So for him not to tell you about the deal he struck with the panel—that must have stung.”
I nod. “When he gets back, he and I need to talk.”
“The Return of Phillip,” Sophia repeats. “Sounds like a soap opera, doesn’t it?”
“In more ways than one.” I look at her. “I think Brayden and I had a moment last night.”
“What kind of moment?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I’m so bad at this kind of thing.”
“No, you’re not. You’re new at this. But this is a very complicated situation.” Then she gasps.
“What?”
“I just realized your situation with Brayden might be beyond the scope of my knowledge!” Sophia stares at me. “You may be surpassing me with all this subtle, complex flirting and dance partner crap. Throw in Phillip and you’ve got a true love situation on your hands.”
“You’re making it sound so difficult. The truth is, if I just marry Phillip and tell Brayden goodbye, the problem will go away.”
“Will it?” Sophia asks me. “I don’t think you’re being truly honest with yourself there, Lei.”
“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore right now.”
But Sophia ignores me. “Is this really all about Brayden, or does he also make you feel something you don’t want to feel? Not just about him but about Phillip?” She narrows her eyes at me. “Do you love Phillip with your head only?”
I look away from her.
“Because love isn’t a thinking thing, honey.” Sophia taps my arm. “You know what you need to do? You need to get the hell out of your head. Love makes no sense. It’s not logical. It’s not even always fair. Love just is.”
“I don’t like illogical. Or lack of fairness.”
Sophia makes a face. “I’m talking about raw, animal magnetism. It is what it is, Lei. Get on board, and own it.”
After she’s gone, I sit by myself for so long that I barely notice when the sun starts to go down. I spend the time thinking and fiddling with the empty space on my ring finger where the string should be.
And as I finally drag myself off the couch to go make dinner, I know what I need to do.
Hours later, Phillip walks in the front door, calling out my name. “Lei!” he says. “Are you home?”
“Hi! I’m upstairs!” I call out as I stand in front of the full-length mirror looking at the dress I’m thinking of wearing if I go to Jasalie and Dylan’s wedding renewal.
Phillip walks into the room.
“What’s that for?” he asks as he stares at me.
I never dress up. Phillip wears suits on occasion but only for his important conference speeches and academic mixers. I bought this dress last year when I was at the mall with Sophia. She made me try it on after she came out of the dressing room and caught me holding it up in front of me. I loved it so much that I let her talk me into buying it. But I put it in the back of the closet behind my old winter coat and never showed it to Phillip. The fabric’s cut low in the front, not so low that it reveals too much but low enough to be sexy. It’s fitted, and the skirt ends above my knee. It goes perfectly with the black strappy heels I have on, and my hair is pulled up into a loose bun, which shows off the neckline of the dress.
I keep looking into the mirror as I answer him. “Brayden’s cousin’s wife invited me to her wedding renewal on Monday. I don’t know if I’m going or not, but I love this dress, and I wanted to try it on.”
I catch Phillip’s eye in the mirror. His jaw twitches.
I feel how perfectly the fabric fits my body. I look up at Phillip, and he’s staring at me.
For the first time in forever, I feel like Phillip’s actually seeing me. But as our gazes lock in the mirror, I don’t feel a racing in my heart, and my palms are completely dry. And it’s not because we were together for so long and I’m just comfortable with him and not nervous. It’s because I don’t even want him to touch me. Not in any way other than as a friend. In all our years together, I honestly don’t think I ever knew what he wanted from me, and even in this moment, I’m truly not sure.
I turn back and put my arms out. “Welcome home.”
He comes closer and hugs me close. “Thanks.” He steps back and takes my hands in his. “Honey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my chat with the panel, and with Gerry too. It was wrong of me. I promise I’ll make this up to you.”
I look at him, at the weary look in his eyes, the dark circles underneath them, and I forgive him.
“It’s okay.” I try to fully unzip the back of the dress but it’s no use. My arms aren’t seven feet long. “Can we talk?”
His expression shuts down immediately. “I apologize, but I just can’t go to the wedding renewal with you. I have too much I have to do. I know you want me there, but Mindy’s coming over Monday night, and I promised her we could work together.”
I exhale. “Phillip, I’m not asking that. Can we please communicate and have an actual conversation?” I gesture at the back of my dress. “Will you help me with this first?”
As he’s unzipping my dress, I connect with his reflection in the mirror. Watching his face carefully, I say the words I’ve been rehearsing. “Phillip. This isn’t working. Us.”
Phillip’s fingers catch on my zipper. “Lei, you’re just confused because I’ve been so busy. I don’t want you to throw away all that we have because of your confusion. In fact, I’ve already called Gerry. I told him he needs to give you a second chance. I asked him to meet me for a coffee—or an Irish coffee if he prefers—” He grins, but I’m not amused. “I’ll make sure he lets you present as soon as possible. Right after our wedding.”
I swallow, feeling like, once again, the wave of Phillip has just knocked me senseless and I have no voice to tell him otherwise. To tell him what I really want.
But this time, I charge onward anyway. “Thank you, but I’m not sure that’s what’s best for me after all. And in terms of you and me, I’m not confused. I know I need a break,” I say, trying—and failing—to keep
the emotion out of my voice. “A break up, to be more clear. Effective immediately.”
Phillip laughs, but the chuckle is condescending. “What do we need a break for? We’re getting married in less than two weeks. We’ve known each other forever. What just happened—this little breach of trust—is nothing compared to that kind of mileage. Trust me.”
For the first time I can remember, I don’t allow him to seize control of the conversation. “See, that’s the thing, Phillip. Mileage or not, and what happened with the panel or not, let’s be honest—the most important thing in your life is your work. I’m not saying that’s bad. But for me, that’s not the kind of marriage I want.”
The dress is unzipped now. I spin around and put my hands on Phillip’s arms. “This feeling isn’t going to disappear in a few days. I’ve given it a lot of thought.”
He steps back until he’s sitting on the bed. “Lei. What are you saying?”
I sit next to him. “I’m saying that you deserve to marry your person. The right woman who will be by your side because it’s what she truly wants. Your perfect match.” I swallow. “I’m not that person for you, Phillip. And I’ve come to realize that marrying you isn’t right for me either. I absolutely hate hurting you, and I’m so sorry.” Hot tears slide down my cheeks as I say the words.
He puts his hand over mine. “What can I do to change your mind?”
“It’s not something you can do. You’re wonderful. But you’re not right for me. Not as a life partner, and that’s not something I will change my mind on. I’m going to move in with Sophia temporarily, and when we’re ready, I’ll tell my family we’ve cancelled the wedding.”
Phillip stands up. “Let’s go downstairs and have some tea.”
I change out of my dress and put on a sweatshirt and jeans.
By the time I get downstairs, Phillip’s got two mugs of tea sitting on the coffee table, one on either side of his microscope. I sit next to him and we sip our tea in silence for a few minutes.
“What went wrong with us?” he asks me finally. “How did we grow apart?”
I look into his eyes, feeling like I’m seeing them again for the first time in a while.
“I’m not sure,” I say, and I’m surprised to feel a thickness in my throat. “I guess it happened gradually.”
“I’ve been married to my job. I can say I’ll change, but…” He trails off.
“But you can’t make that kind of a promise,” I say. “It’s who you are, Phillip. And I’ve always admired you so much for that. I still do.”
“Just not as your husband.”
I inhale. “Right.” I hold up my left hand. “Your ring fell off. I have no idea where.”
“That kind of knot can’t come undone,” he says in a pinched tone.
“And yet it did,” I say softly.
Phillip takes my hand in his and rubs my bare finger. “It’s so strange to see you without it. And even worse? I didn’t notice it was gone.”
Pain crosses his face.
“It’s okay,” I say. “You’ve been away.”
“Does Brayden have anything to do with this?” he asks me abruptly.
I cross my hands over my knees. “In a way, yes. Seeing him again after all this time, spending time together, I remembered some things about myself I’d forgotten. How much I love to paint. How different you and I really are. I always wanted to make you happy because you’ve always been so good to me. But I’m not even sure I want to be a professor anymore. I really want to pursue my painting right now.” I take a breath and tell him I’m quitting the PhD program. “I’m going to try to sell my artwork in town. That’s what I really love.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry I didn’t support you in that.”
“It’s not your job,” I say. “I was so far down the wrong path I couldn’t see my own way out.”
“But Brayden gets you.” He rubs his eyes behind his glasses. “Shit. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. You two look so mismatched. But you two never…these last couple of weeks…”
“No,” I say. “Nothing ever happened. And I have no idea what will happen. But you deserve someone who’s a match to you and how amazing you are.”
When I ask him about Mindy, he smiles ruefully.
“I understand why you’re curious. Nothing has happened, but we did really hit it off from the start. I certainly wasn’t looking for it to turn into…” He trails off and looks at me. “And I know you weren’t, either. I get that. I just want to see everything clearly,” Phillip whispers, tears in his eyes. “I guess I was so busy doing that, I stopped seeing you.”
I put my arms around him.
As we cry together, I feel like a huge piece of my life has broken off and left me. What’s scariest of all, though, is the tiny—but distinct—feeling of relief in my chest. I’m officially single for the first time since I was sixteen years old, and I feel surprisingly calm. For someone who hates change, my reaction stuns me. But it’s undeniable.
When I pull back, I tilt my head to the microscope still sitting between us.
“I guess we just outgrew this,” I say to him. “We met over a microscope, but things change.”
Sometimes you break up over a microscope too.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I look for the hundredth time into the only floor-length mirror Sophia has in her apartment. My button-down pink flannel shirt should keep me warm, plus I put a wrap-around black sweater over it, and I like how they match with my holey blue jeans. The jeans came holey, which is not typically my style. I bought them for five dollars, and nothing else fits me this comfortably. I turn around and look at myself from behind one last time before putting on another layer of pale pink lipstick and a second touch of mascara.
I hear the front door open, and I hurry out of the bathroom to meet Sophia.
“Somebody’s looking hot.” She stands in the open doorway, and a gust of wind comes in with her.
“Soph, shut the door for a minute. It’s another cold night, and I want to put on my coat first.”
“You better get cozy with the cool weather,” she says. “Because if you want Brayden to see that body of yours, you’re not going to be able to keep your coat on all night. This is your first night with Brayden as a single woman. You want him to see your body, don’t you?”
I cross my arms over my chest. “I’m not sure what I want these days. I haven’t seen Brayden since he dropped me off after dance class.”
She leans over to give me a hug. “I still can’t believe you and Phillip broke up this week. How are you feeling?”
“I…” I almost feel guilty saying the truth. “It’s been hard, of course. But part of me feels like a huge burden has been lifted off me. I sound like an awful person for saying that, I know.”
“No, you don’t, Leleila.” Sophia shakes her head. “Phillip’s not the right forever guy for you. You’re such a bright light, and he’s always dimmed your glow. This breakup is supposed to be a good thing.”
I fiddle with the buttons on my coat. “Honestly, a part of me was looking for an exit door too. Just like he was.” I look at her outfit. “You’re going to freeze.”
Sophia’s long-sleeved sheer top looks like it’s meant to be worn in July, not to mention her short skirt. “Slammer will keep me warm. Let’s go watch some football, honey.”
Wilcox High football stadium is loud with screaming fans as Sophia and I make our way through the crowd to the seats she swears Slammer has saved for us.
“So crowded,” I say to her. “I forgot how many people come to these games.”
“You’ll have fun this time!” Sophia calls back to me. “Tonight will heal your demons, Lei.”
The idea of going to a bonfire party makes my stomach twist in knots. But going to the party single, a label I haven’t had since I went to my last party, shakes me to my core. I feel off-balance, like the foundation I’ve been leaning on for years is gone.
But I can’t deny the se
nse of freedom I feel. Being able to do whatever I want tonight, with no one to answer to, is a sensation I haven’t felt in twelve years.
Sophia stops abruptly, and Slammer immediately pulls her onto his lap. I take a seat next to them and try to calm my nerves.
I’m not prepared for Slammer to start groping Sophia as soon as the game starts, but I should expect no less.
When they’re done with that, Slammer insists on getting a beer.
The game is exciting. Wilcox is really good, and by halftime, they’re up by three touchdowns. I follow the game, but in all honesty, I spend more of my time scoping out Brayden on the sidelines. He looks so official as he strides along the bench, kneeling down to talk to different players as they come off the field.
“He works with the offense the most,” Slammer says to me. “He was a stud when he played.”
Brayden stands up tall and scans the crowd almost like he’s looking for someone.
Then he locks eyes with me and puts up a two-fingered wave.
And my palms are so sweaty I have to wipe them on my jeans. My heart pounds, and I want him so badly I can hardly sit still.
I wave back tentatively, but Sophia stands up off Slammer’s lap and waves both her hands in the air.
“Hey, Brayden!”
“Soph.” I tug at her elbow. “Please sit down.”
Slammer claps me on the shoulder. “He’s a good guy, and he really likes you.”
“Brayden’s great. It’s just complicated,” I say quickly.
“What’s complicated?” Slammer says. “You like him, he likes you. You have sex.”
“Beyond other issues that I won’t bore you with, this wouldn’t be just sex for me.”
Sophia’s eyes widen, and she smiles.
Slammer nods. “I get it. Emotional attachment, huh? That’s different.”
Sophia turns to Slammer. “Do you feel an emotional attachment for me?”
I take a deep breath and try to turn away from them, but the space is very small and cramped.
“Well, you know,” Slammer stammers. “We’re just starting out. I mean, so far it’s all been sex. No attachment for us. Right?”
Brayden (Wild Men Book 6) Page 21