Of course, Peter himself hadn’t been an angel. He cringed when remembering how rude and harshly he’d behaved towards her. He had done everything to alienate her and show they way he judged her. He wasn’t going to let any woman get into his heart ever again. Rachel unfortunately was the target of his wrath against Lara and most of all – himself. She came into his life with the worst timing possible.
Oh my god. He blushed and couldn’t believe that they had become a couple, after how badly he’d treated her. His opinion changed a few days later right here at his uncle’s cabin, when he finally let down his guard and listened to what she said. This was when he realized that he had been wrong in his initial assessment of Rachel’s character. He discovered he actually liked her – a lot.
Peter smiled as he thought about how the chemistry between them had been hard to control and he’d begun falling for her even then. Things went along going fine as they returned to civilization until his crazy ex-girlfriend showed up. Lara Bishop was about as spoiled as they came. The fact that her father, one of Peter’s largest clients, doted on her, made things even worse. His business relation with her father only served to empower Lara to be even crazier. What did I ever see in her to begin with? He couldn’t believe that he put up with the disrespectful treatment for such a long time. What kind of weakly guy was he anyways?
Peter closed his eyes in pain when he thought about how much he had let Rachel down. When she told him Lara was playing dirty to harm her, he’d not believed her and laughed it off. Lara was crazy, but other than stalking him and making his life miserable, she’d yet to physically assault anyone in his presence.
It’s a wonder Rachel ever spoke to him after that first incident. There are times when I really hate Lara. Or do I just feel pity for her? Either way, she’s ruined my life.
When she announced she was traveling to Spain with his team for several months of work, he was furious. Peter was so upset he’d even thought of announcing he couldn’t travel to Spain, but then didn’t pull it off. He hid cowardly behind the risk that Mr. Bishop might pull his business. Guess that plan didn’t work out so well. He pulled his business anyway. All the trouble in Spain had been for naught.
Rachel was distressed that Lara accompanied him to Spain, and once again, he had not taken her serious and shrugged it off. What could happen, anyways? Well, a lot of things can happen. Thankfully, Rachel arranged to spend time in Spain as well and this was maybe the happiest time in his life. They really got to know one another, and he finally felt like his future was going to be wonderful. A future that was now nothing more than wreckage. Due to his fault! I’m such a stupid idiot! The best thing that ever happened to him was Rachel and he pushed her away.
Swimming to the waterfall, he pushed himself under the pounding water, letting the force of the water try to rinse away the memories of how perfect Spain had seemed.
Until the accident. An accident that had nearly cost him his life. And his relationship with Rachel.
His head injury had caused amnesia; a fact that Lara had capitalized on, spinning a tale of how close they were and weaving their ‘once upon a time engagement’ back into his life as if he’d never called it off and broken up with her. How could I not notice she was lying to me? Again, Rachel was hurt by my actions. Why do I keep hurting the one person in the world I truly care about?
He’s still amazed that Rachel forgave him time after time. I don’t deserve her! She deserves someone who will cherish her and doesn’t have a crazy ex running around causing disaster all the time. She deserves someone who recognizes when he’s being lied to.
After the accident, he had believed everything Lara told him. She had managed to convince most of their friends and acquaintances that they had gotten back together before the accident; while they were working in Spain and that was why no one had heard the good news. It wasn’t until weeks later that he had finally realized Lara wasn’t the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with; but Rachel was.
He recalled how miserable he’d been, looking at a lifetime as Lara’s puppet on a string. She was so demanding and spoiled! She’d expected him to follow her around like a trained puppy. Sitting when told to, following three steps behind her at all times! How on earth did I not see through her earlier?
Peter climbed from the lake, drying off and getting dressed again, frustrated with the way his life was progressing. Lara had always pushed their relationship, never happy with just allowing things to progress at an easy rate. He had been comfortable allowing her to make most of the decisions about their relationship – too lazy to fend off her advances or balk at her decisions. Until they finally broke up, and he realized what a pushover he had been. No wonder she’d stalked me around town, her little plaything – him, had broken protocol and decided to take a stand for his own wants and needs. Wants and needs that didn’t include her!
He’d been so determined to never let a woman have that kind of power over him again; he’d taken the exact opposite approach with Rachel. Holding her at arms-length and refusing to give an inch. He’d been harsh, critical, and a real jerk to her the first few days they after they had met. It would serve him right if she finally got tired of his sorry ass and kicked him to the curb. It would be no more than he deserved!
As he trekked back to the cabin, he stopped at the edge of the cliff, looking out over the canyon below him. Once again he saw Lara standing on the ledge of that office building, ready to jump unless he agreed to her way of thinking. Once again. Some things just never change! Maybe he should just give in to Lara. He could immerse himself in his work, and it wouldn’t be such a hardship to have a beautiful woman hanging on his arm. He could get past the fact that her personality sucked! He could get past the fact that her beauty was only skin-deep and her true character was an ugly mess. He could! Couldn’t he? He could follow orders. He’d already proven that.
He had followed the police psychologist’s advice and promised to marry Lara if she came back inside the protective wall surrounding the roof of the building. He must evidently have been convincing because it had worked.
Peter recalled the way her mind shut down after the police tackled her upon the roof of the building. Her sobs and cries of despair still filled his ears if he closed his eyes and listened hard enough. He thought back to the cries of betrayal she had thrown out. “You promised to marry me!”
That promise affected him more than he had thought. It pushed the old triggers from his childhood he’d thought gone and buried. He recalled broken promises made by a ten-year old to a mother who was depressed and barely able to get up in the morning, let alone care for her small child. He had felt so inadequate. Even as a young child, he’d known that he was letting his mother down. That pattern repeated itself with every woman he attempted to have a relationship with.
One day, coming home from school in the afternoon, he found her lying dead in a pool of her own blood in the middle of the kitchen floor. It was my fault! I wasn’t able to stop my mother from taking her own life. Nothing he had done had been equal to the task. Being a good student. Being a good boy who was respectful and obeyed. Making sure he told her often that he loved her. Nothing had been able to prevent the inevitable. He had loved her, but it hadn’t been enough.
Peter entered the cabin, threw a few logs on the fire, and settled himself on the chair closest to its warmth. He thought of Rachel, and how much he cared for her. Correction, loved her. I love Rachel! He smiled for the first time in days. Yes, Rachel was the love of his life!
She had been a bright spot at the end of the recovery tunnel after his surgery, the one thing that had helped bring him back from the edge. He missed her. He missed her smile and the way she always tried to make him laugh. He’d been such an ass to her after the incident with Lara. The guilt over his actions was eating him up inside. It seemed that no matter what happened in his life, he always ended up hurting those around him.
His mind began to travel down the road that led to self-destruction. Guilt. Shame. The
irrational thoughts consumed his thinking, twisting reality and allowing him to martyr himself on a sea of misplaced responsibility.
He had loved his mother. She killed herself. Strike one. He had loved Lara – for a while. She tried to kill herself. Strike two. He had even come to love Mr. Bishop in a fatherly sort of way. He didn’t tried to kill himself, but his actions had effectively begun the death process of Peter’s company. Everyone had been destroyed or hurt by his love.
The illogical side of his brain tried to convince him that his love was the root of every dreadful thing that had happened. The logical side of his brain finally started to fight back.
“Get a grip, man. It’s not your fault they had problems. Your mother was depressed and Lara is crazy. Her old man was just sticking to his daughter.” He heard his own voice echo back at him through the small cabin.
Yeah, what are the chances that one man loves two women who can’t handle life? He knew his thinking was irrational, but he had let the emotions and harmful feelings fester and they were now directing his thoughts. The absurd thoughts spoke so loud, it didn’t matter that they made absolutely no sense. It didn’t matter that he knew his thinking was off. The thoughts combined with emotions and swirled together to create a jumble of feelings and guilt that he’d let control his life.
He stared into the fire for a while, lost in thoughts of the past. As his mind moved closer to the present, he thought about the company and how badly he had screwed things up there.
First, he’d alienated Steve, his partner and friend who’d stuck by him through many of life’s trials. He still couldn’t believe that Steve had simply walked away. What an idiot he’d been to run Steve off!
Thoughts of the company brought to mind his last encounter with a client. Mr. Johnson was livid the last time Peter saw him, and he had allowed his self-control to vanish. Mr. Johnson’s anger had been the tipping point, causing him to lash out angrily and without reserve at the man whose company was suffering because Peter hadn’t done his job.
When he’d calmed down, and realized he had shouted at his client, the new feelings of guilt were too much to handle. He’d been so remorseful after that interlude, he’d packed his gear and fled town. He had traveled to his uncle’s cabin, the one place that always offered him solace and the ability to think through his problems.
He’d been coming here since he was a young boy, and the nature always removed his tension when life had gotten too rough. This trip was different, though - he had exacerbated an already tense situation by coming here. His thoughts turned to the one person who had stuck by him. The one person he had most definitely not wanted to hurt. Rachel.
He hadn’t thought to call Rachel and tell her where he was headed. God, she must be frantic with worry. Or she’s just completely written me off for the loser I’ve become.
Either way, he felt miserable for not having told her where he was going. He wished he could pick up the phone and call her, but the cabin had no phone service, just the emergency radio. The longer he stayed in the cabin, the more anxious he grew with regard to Rachel. I need to talk to her. To apologize. To make her understand how sorry I am for having hurt her.
But within a few days the solitude of the cabin calmed his tension; and the logical side of his brain began to speak to him louder than the illogical. He realized that the guilt he’d taken upon himself regarding Lara’s actions wasn’t his to take. I’ve done everything right. He’d broken up with her and had been as polite as possible as she stalked him around town.
He’d made sure to respect her feelings, something she hadn’t reciprocated. Lara hadn’t been willing to give him up, and had turned her anger and vitriol upon Rachel – the one person completely undeserving of such treatment. I wonder how she’s doing. Does she miss me? Or has she given up on me?
The stress of worrying about her finally got to him and he packed up his gear and headed down the mountain. He needed to apologize and find out if there was any chance of a future with her.
He navigated the bike back down the mountain, his logical brain continuing to reinforce that he was not responsible for Lara’s actions. When those same thoughts echoed through his mind with regard to his mother, he had to repeat them several times to firmly grab hold of the concept. He had come to terms with his mother’s death during his freshman year at college, but the old feelings of guilt and despair came back so easily. Each time, it became easier than the last to acknowledge that they weren’t based in reality. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about my mother without having to convince myself her death was not my fault!
As he neared Santa Clara, he thought about pulling over and calling Rachel, but stopped himself. What he had to say needed to be said in person. She deserved that much consideration from him. He was tempted to call his secretary, but he figured she’d probably locked the doors and the company was completely down the drain by now.
Steve hadn’t returned his text messages, indicating he was still pissed off and on his self-imposed vacation. Their few remaining clients would have abandoned their contracts with his company by now, especially Mr. Johnson. The project was due to have been completed no later than yesterday, but Peter had fled town, leaving everyone who had put their faith and trust in him hanging. Guess he needed to start from scratch again.
Chapter 11
I was just putting the last load of laundry in the machine when I heard the doorbell ring. Since Karen was out for the day with Robert, I wasn’t sure who might be at the door. I wasn’t expecting a delivery, and all of my other friends usually called before coming over.
I peeked through the peephole and gasped. It's him! Peter! God, he looks like hell! He looks like he needs a hug really bad.
Throwing open the door, I stood there looking at him for a moment before saying, “Hi.”
He appeared tired and was giving me a very timid smile laced with a heavy dose of guilt. He didn’t even attempt to return my greeting, but instead asked, with a very guilty look on his face "May I come in?"
I nodded my head, stepping back slightly before saying, “Sure. Don't I get a kiss?" Not the best way to make him beg for your forgiveness, girl!
“Do you still want one?" Peter asked me, a hopeful look in his eyes.
Duh? Of Course! I was so relieved to have him back. That didn’t mean I’m not angry with him, but he’s back! I took a step towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he pulled me in close and captured my lips with his own.
We were both starved for each other and shared a passionate kiss that threatened to explode into much more before Peter finally pulled himself away, saying, “Wait, I want to apologize to you first."
I let my arms drop from his neck and nodded, trying to regain control of my breathing. “Come on in.”
I led him over to the couch and settled myself on one end while he took the other end, keeping several feet of space between us.
Peter turned to me, taking both of my hands in his and looking deeply into my eyes, "Rachel, I don’t even know where to begin. Please forgive me. You must've been worried to death."
In fact, I had been horribly worried. I wanted to tell him that, but he was already suffering from a huge dose of guilt – it was written all over his face. So I simply nodded, "Yes, but now you're here!"
What I really wanted to do was throw myself in his arms, feel his body against mine, and forget everything else. I knew that at some point in the future we’d have to discuss what had happened, but that could wait. At least in my mind.
But Peter insisted we talk first. He sighed, closed his eyes for a moment and seemed to be fighting hard not to cry. I reached across the couch, took his hands in mine, and squeezed them. He opened his eyes and said, "I am not worthy enough for you. You deserve a better man."
I shook my head, but he cut me off and continued. He explained about the client who had stormed out of the office after he had insulted and shouted at him. Peter ended with a very heavy sigh, continuing to tell me that by now his c
ompany probably is going to have to declare bankruptcy and that everything he's been working so hard for has gone.
"I was so stupid! I threw everything away, including you. I had a lot of time to think at my uncle's cabin and I realized that you are the most important person in my life. I never want to hurt you again. I was so afraid to lose you that I was willing to give you up before that happened. I figured if I gave you up, it wouldn’t hurt so much. I realized that this way of thinking is just plain stupid."
Now it was my turn to surprise him. I couldn't wait until he finished his speech and I would be able to tell him the good news. I smiled at him, unable to contain my joy at having him home and being able to surprise him.
He looked back at me and said, "Why are you smiling like that? Do you think this is funny?"
I smiled even more, shaking my head as I answered, "I have good news for you."
He looked doubtful that anything I had to say would be considered ‘good’ or explain my happiness in the face of his apology.
"I saved your company." I blurted it out, but I couldn’t help it.
He looked incredulous! “What?!”
“I said, I saved your company!” I was grinning at him, willing him to be happy as well.
He looked even more incredulous and said "Rachel, honey, now is not the time to make jokes."
I shook my head and then proceeded to assure him this was not a joke. I explained how I had met the client, Mr. Johnson, and taken on the project to save his company. How the client now was fully satisfied and promised to contract more projects with Peter's company.
Peter looked like he was close to tears as he whispered, “You did this? For me? How? Why?"
Yes, why? There is only one answer. "Because I love you."
Peter grabbed my shoulders, pulling me against him as he took my mouth in a very passionate kiss. He trailed little kisses along my jawline, over my nose and then found my mouth again. His hands roamed over my back, as if they were trying to remember my body.
Falling for Him 3 (Rachel and Peter in Love) Page 5