by Rachel Sabor
"I'm not sure you used that word correctly," Cale replied without missing a step. "But whatever. Besides, we're all after the same goals." He turned to the board. "So what've we decided?"
"Just relax and listen for now," Jacob told Amy. "No one's expecting you to jump in with any crazy new ways of helping the less fortunate on your first day." She nodded and did her best to follow along. It became more difficult when Cale took the seat next to her, and smiled at her quickly before turning back to the board.
The council, as they identified themselves, read off their minutes. They had decided to spend so much money on certain activities, and to throw others on the backburner. Amy got the impression there was a certain tradition and efficiency with what they handled. Soup kitchens and charity drives were number one, other things fell by the general wayside or were promised to be reviewed later. She followed as closely as she could, but by the end, her head was spinning.
When they all adjourned, Cale pulled her aside as they were all filing out. "You did well today."
"But I didn't do anything."
He shrugged. "Sometimes you get these morons who come in here and try and change up the status quo. You were more like a sponge. Absorbing." She blushed. "That's a good thing."
"That's still not something a person wants to hear," she said.
He laughed. "Sorry. But hey listen, want to grab some food? I don't know about you, but I'm starving."
Amy felt uncomfortable to say the least, but she choked out a quick refusal. "S-sorry, maybe some other time."
"Tomorrow's another time," Cale said, undeterred. "Would you like to grab some food tomorrow?"
"Look," Amy said, turning towards him. She suddenly felt a lot more confident than she had in the past few months. "I appreciate it, but I don't need you to help or save me, okay?"
For once, the smile on Cale's face faded. "O-okay."
"I did this because I wanted to help people," she lied. "Not to find a new boyfriend, or make new friends or get myself out of some place I didn't want to be."
"Okay, Amy. I'm sorry." He had taken a step away from her. For some reason that made Amy even angrier.
"I didn't like that you wrote your number down on that piece of paper. I threw it out as soon as I got home. I didn't like that you embarrassed me in front of Brad, and I don't like how you're acting towards me now."
"I get it, alright?" Cale was trying to talk over her now, in an effort to stop her. "I get it."
"Well good." Amy turned and walked down the street towards the subway she'd take to get home.
She lived with a few roommates, none of whom were friends, but may have questioned her absence. Brad would be coming over later, she knew, and she wanted to get back before he showed up and started flirting with one of her roommates.
She looked back, once. Cale stood on the corner where she'd left him, watching her go. He didn't look sad or confused or even happy. He wore a calm frown, like he was contemplating something. She scowled and looked away.
When she reached the subway terminal, she pulled out her wallet and removed her MetroCard from the pocket. When she did, a slip of crumpled paper slid out and dropped to the floor.
She reached down and picked it back up, before moving through the turnstile. It was the paper with Cale's number on it. She glared at it as if she glared at him. So she had lied and hadn't thrown it out. So what? Feeling even more foolish, she crumpled it back up and slid it back into her wallet, which she slid back into her pants.
#
Amy had considered not returning, but something had compelled her to return to Carrie's.
Maybe it had been the boredom she felt with everything else. Maybe she had actually been interested in the charitable works they had planned. Or maybe she just wanted to see Cale again, or see his face when she showed up again.
She didn't know herself, but she arrived at the doors and had a much easier time getting up those steps. The shouting at Cale had loosened something in her. She had actually given Brad some attitude the other night. "Stop hitting on other girls when you're around me," she had said. Brad had looked taken aback, surprised she would even consider telling him what to do.
But something in her voice had told him something. She wouldn't be argued with. Not in this.
Of course, Amy knew he would still keep up with his slimy behavior behind her back, but there was little she could do about that. Or so she told herself.
This time, when she walked through the doors, she got a little less lost. She recognized some of the landmarks she had picked out last time, but those only led her into corridors where she spent some time looking around, clueless.
It was Jacob who found her. "Hey, Amy, right?"
She nodded and smiled at him. "Yeah, I got kind of lost again."
He chuckled and motioned for her to follow him. "Happened to me all the time when I first started volunteering. Come on."
They walked around the place for a while, before finding the room they had held the last meeting. "Mind if I ask you something?" Jacob asked.
"Sure."
"Everything okay with you and Cale?" Amy froze and looked up at him. "Sorry," he said. "It's just that he's my friend, and I thought you two knew each other, and ever since he left with you after the meeting the other day, he's been acting a little weird."
"No, it's not- We're fine." The words poured from her as if they meant anything and weren't easy excuses to drop the subject. What was with everyone at the organization? Why did everyone seem intent on prying into her information?
"Geez," Jacob said, rubbing the back of his head. "My bad. I didn't mean to pry. Just forget I said anything." He sped up a little, and Amy followed, not quite content with his apology but willing to overlook it. She didn't want to think anymore about Cale or Brad or any of these people. She found that all she wanted to do was disappear into the room with the marker board, and sit and help in whatever context let her speak the less.
Cale was, of course, in the room when she entered. He stole a single look at her, and then quickly looked away. Amy took the seat closest to the door, and Cale sat at the desk by where he stood, which was halfway across the room. Amy made it a point not to look at him, and when she failed in her self-discipline, saw Cale trying very hard to do the exact same thing.
The meeting took off without a hitch, and Amy found herself getting more and more wrapped up in the conversations and planning. That didn't mean she could pry her mind away from Cale or any of the other things she worried about. She just tried her best to shove it all aside and pay attention.
Before too long, the meeting split up, with everyone having received their assignments. Amy's was to call up local small businesses and see if she could drum up any donations, and if not, if the places would be willing to have any sort of canned food drive. Amy had been too nervous to say no, but decided to give it her best shot anyway. The argument she had had with Brad and Cale seemed to have instilled something stronger within her. She resolved to do what she could. She made to leave and started to make a mental list.
"Amy." She frowned when she heard Cale's voice. "Wait up."
The others filed out around them, but Amy found herself standing just outside the door. Cale hadn't moved from where he had sat, and eyed everyone a bit nervously. It was an awkward position, and Amy blushed because of it. If Cale had waited to call her attention when they were both outside, that would've been one thing. That he had done it in the midst of everyone was another thing entirely. "What?" She asked once everyone had left.
"I just wanted to say, sorry."
"You said that already."
"I know. But I was out of line. I just wanted to apologize and I wanted to see if you just wanted to be friends."
Amy knew enough to know that relationships between men and women were never just 'friends,' but she gave a non-committal nod. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I just don't like it when people pry."
Cale shifted about on his feet nervously, trying his hardest to occ
upy himself with movement to take away from how he felt when standing still. "That's sort of my thing, too. But listen, I promise I'll do my best not to get into your business. Okay?"
She let loose a heavy sigh and crossed her arms. "Okay." It was too much effort to stay mad.
All her life, Amy had found the better approach was to let things go. She pretended that she followed that advice, but she was certainly one to hold a grudge and to stew over things others had long forgotten about. But with Cale, she didn't want to. If he wanted to be friends, fine. They would be friends, so long as he didn't break their promise.
He walked up to her and held out his hand. "Friends."
Amy shook his hand. "Friends."
"Cool," Cale said.
So Amy's time at Carrie Cares really began. When she got home, she began to compile a list of the small businesses, and even wrote up a small proposal to bring to her part time job at the coffee shop the next day. Her manager, who she had always taken to be a hard-ass, was warm to the idea, and let her set it up and organize it.
It felt validating, to a certain degree. Here she was, doing something and achieving something. She had gone forward on her own volition and did something worthwhile, and the next week, when people brought in small cans to donate to the poor and homeless, Amy felt the sensation once more in earnest.
Not many of the small businesses were willing to donate, but nearly all of them were open to the idea of a canned food drive. She built up something of a quick reputation around the neighborhood. When she walked into the stores, the cashiers and clerks greeted her with a nod and smile. She no longer felt invisible.
If she had known it would be like this, she would've volunteered long ago.
But validation could only go so far. She still had her insecurities and phobias. Though the argument with Brad had given her a bit of confidence, it wasn't enough to propel her from the timid girl she had been for so very long to a rock star. She was still with Brad, and he still treated her poorly.
She viewed the relationship as under progress. Yes, she knew what Brad was doing, but she figured that since she knew what he was doing, she was in a better position to do something about it. Even though she didn't. She kept going to his apartment, or letting him come over and do things to her. She hated it, but she ignored the hate and let it fester. On nights where it did, she would be reminded of the same feelings of hopelessness she had felt not too long ago.
Her time with the people at Carrie Cares wasa bright point. Though she still acted nervous around them, and the oddly dressed members were mostly jerks, she found that the others were warm and friendly. Especially Cale. True to his word, he didn't pry or try anything inappropriate. Rather, he did his best to gently bring her into the fold of the group. They hung out with the others from time to time, going to bars or restaurants to talk shop, tell funny stories, and generally relax.
Not once did he make her feel uncomfortable. It was nice, and she enjoyed her time with the group.
#
Amy knew, the moment she entered the room, that something was up. Specifically, that something was wrong. Jacob and Deb were whispering amongst themselves just inside the door.
Cale was nowhere in sight. Amy felt comfortable enough to walk up to the two, and interjected lightly into their conversation. "What's going on?"
Both of them frowned at her, but beckoned her closer so that they didn't have to speak up.
"Cale got a phone call," Jacob said. "He's outside, bugging out."
"What about?"
Jacob shrugged. "Don't know.”
"Well, shouldn't someone check on him?"
"Cale's not the kind of person who appreciates it when you 'check on him,'" Deb said. She had known Cale the longest, but Amy could tell there wasn't anything romantic between them. Their relationship had forced her to rethink her whole 'a guy and a girl can't just be friends,' theory. "He prefers to work through this stuff alone."
"But we don't even know if he's working through anything." She convinced the other two to follow her, and they left the room in search of Cale. She had a much better layout of the former school in her mind. It had lost funding a long time ago, but rather than being repurposed or condemned, Carrie had made a claim to use the place as a sort of community headquarters centered around charity works. Amy had yet to meet Carrie, so much so that she had once joked to the others about her very existence.
Regardless, Amy knew her way around a lot better now, and it didn't take long for them to find Cale. He was on the phone in what must've once been a courtyard where kids ate lunch.
The three of them stayed out of sight, around a corner, and tried to hear what he was saying.
"No," Cale said into the phone. "He's dead. Overdose."
Deb gasped and Jacob said, "Oh, shit."
"He was in rehab," Cale said shapely. "Last time I checked anyway. The idiot." It went on for a bit longer, but he gave no indication as to who had died or whom he was talking to. In the end, he hung up, sat down on a discarded chair, and put his head in his hands.
"We shouldn't be here for this," Deb said.
"I agree," Jacob said.
Amy frowned at them. "But we're his friends."
"And sometimes being a good friend means leaving them alone."
Amy found herself remembering what she had told Cale when he had pushed her too hard. That little outburst had actually helped propel her life to a better trajectory than what it had been on. Would she go back on her own words and interfere with Cale? But how couldn't she? He was obviously hurting. He needed someone. She turned back to him. He sat alone in the courtyard, and though it didn't look like he was crying, he didn't look like he was getting ready to move any time soon.
"I'm staying," she said.
Jacob and Deb didn't fight her on it, but they left her there, returning to the room with instructions to tell Cale that they would take care of everything, and that he could just go home for today.
When the two had left, Amy stood behind the corner and watched Cale for a minute more. He didn't move. Finally, she took a step, and then another. She walked out into the center of the courtyard, but stayed far enough away from Cale at what she believed to be a reasonable distance. Cale looked up when he heard her footsteps, but didn't say anything. His eyes were red, but she didn't see any tear trails or signs of any crying or hysterics. He just looked sad and frustrated and angry all at once. He looked hurt. She knew it was a stupid question, but she asked it anyway. "Are you okay?"
"No," Cale said. "I'm not."
Amy nodded. "I don't know if you want someone to be with you now, but if you need someone to talk to or anything, I'm here."
Cale gave a bitter laugh. "I said the same thing to Tim," he said. "I told him I would be there to talk with him and hang out with him if he needed me. Instead, I couldn't do anything."
"Tim?"
"My friend. Best friend. After my mother died," he paused and looked up at her, "my mother's dead by the way. Anyway, after she died, his family took me in. We went to the same school, went to the same high school too. Then he started doing drugs. I didn't want to get mixed in with all that, but I still hung out with him. He went to rehab a few times, but it never stuck. I thought that maybe this time would be different. It wasn't. It was worse."
"He'd dead?"
"Overdose."
All this time, Amy had been getting a bit closer to him. There was another discarded chair a short distance from the one Cale sat in, so Amy picked it up and slid it closer to him. She sat down next to him. "I'm sorry," she said. "I know that doesn't help, but I'm sorry."
"Me too." Cale launched into a short rant about the times he and Tim had shared, about the things they used to do together, and the best moments they had shared. It all stung Amy when she realized she had so few of those moments too. "Once," Cale said, "we went hiking together up at this reservation outside the city. It was great. Just us and some friends, and nature. We got lost in the woods." He laughed. "Tim kept insisti
ng we follow these blue markers on the trees. They were supposed to lead us back to the parking lot, but all they did was get us lost. When someone said they had cell reception, he told us to call, '911 or something!'" He laughed some more, and Amy just smiled along. He sobered up. "That was one of the times after he left rehab, and we all thought he'd be good again. But three months later he was shooting up."
With that, Cale broke down. He didn't sob, but he buried his head in his hands and shook just a little bit. Amy reached across the gap between them, and rested her hand on his back. It seemed to sink into him almost, and she could feel just a bit of the tension within him loosen. She let him cry a bit, let him shake and curse and be miserable. She let him do all those things for a little while, until it didn't seem like he could do it anymore. Then he sighed, straightened himself in his chair, and stood.
"Alright," he said with a sense of finality. "Back to work.”
"Actually," Amy cut in, "the others said you could head home for the day. They'd take care of everything and email you later."
He sighed and stretched his arms out. "I guess I should be appreciative, but this is one of those things you want to ignore by throwing yourself into something, you know?"
"Yeah," she said. And she did too. She understood perfectly. Her whole reason for being at Carrie Cares was so she could use it as a kind of jumping off point for her own life. She wanted to improve, she wanted to get more out of life. She wasn't necessarily there for any truly charitable motives. It was her own validation she sought. "Are you going to be okay?"
"No, I won't," he said. "But eventually I will."
"Do you want someone to stay with you?" The words were out of her before she even realized what she was doing. She closed her mouth so Cale wouldn't see how shocked she was at herself.
He smiled at her, warmly. "Thanks, but I'll be okay. I'm glad you came to talk to me though, it helped." Then, looking almost embarrassed, he moved in close and hugged her. He put his arms around her and his hands laid across her back. He squeezed her just a bit, and Amy knew his mouth was close to her ear, and his face was partially buried in her hair. She felt her breath catch in her throat. "Thanks, Amy," he said again.