by Roxie Rivera
Her eyes were wide open, and she looked completely shocked. “I think my water just broke.”
“Let’s get you cleaned up.” He peeled the wet gown from her body and helped her into the shower. “I’ll get you a new one.”
When he opened the bathroom door, the midwife and nurses shifted him out of the way and efficiently tackled the situation. Once they were assured Vivian was perfectly fine and the amniotic fluid was clear, she was allowed to shower and finish changing. He helped her into the bed and stood back while an IV was placed in her hand—just in case—and a monitoring band was wrapped around her belly.
The sound of his son’s strong heartbeat filled the room. The thrill of anticipation rocked him right to the core. Before this night was over, he would be holding his son in his arms. I’m going to be a father.
“Eight centimeters,” the midwife announced after checking Vivian’s progress. She patted his wife’s knee and grinned encouragingly. “Not long now, sweetheart.”
Vivian glanced up at him and managed a weak smile. A grimace quickly replaced it. They soon realized she couldn’t handle the pain while in bed. A wireless monitoring device was attached to her belly, and they began the same routine they had been working through at the house—walking, rocking, squatting. With Kiki’s guidance and his own intuition, he helped Vivian as best he could.
“Please stop checking your watch!” Vivian snapped after a particularly long and intense contraction.
Taken aback by the gruff command, he simply nodded and removed his watch, sticking it in his pocket and forgetting about the damned thing. He hadn’t realized he was checking it so often. “I didn’t mean to make you feel rushed, Vee.”
“I know.” She pressed her forehead to his chest and leaned into him. “I’m sorry.”
“No. Don’t apologize. We’re fine.” He wrapped his arms around her and massaged her back. “We’re fine.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.” Vivian jerked away from him suddenly and frantically glanced around the room.
“Here.” Kiki appeared with a basin and a washcloth just as his wife succumbed to the nausea. While Vivian retched, Kiki whispered, “Transition.”
Now the pain seemed to be at its worst. Vivian squatted along the edge of the bed, gripping onto the mattress, and panted through the contractions wracking her small body with such torment. She wasn’t making any noise other than those measured breaths. He couldn’t even imagine the agony gripping her now. Guilt ate at him. I did this to her.
He had to bite his tongue when he thought about how much relief an epidural would give her. She could be pain-free and resting in bed instead of trying to find new ways to embrace the pain as her body worked to force their child from her womb. Remembering the hell of recovering from stab wounds and gunshots, he wondered how many times over labor pains were magnified. Ten? Twenty?
And this wasn’t even the worst part of labor. Soon, she would be in sheer hell. His legs started to buckle as a wave of nausea hit him while he imagined the incredible pain that would accompany the baby’s descent and exit.
Take the drugs, Vee. Just take the fucking drugs! He wanted to shout for her to change her mind, to let a doctor come in before it was too late.
But he didn’t say that.
Crouched down next to his wife, Kiki glanced up at him as if to silently prod him to do something. Taking a clean washcloth from the stack next to the sink in the labor and delivery suite, he soaked it in cold water, wrung it out and returned to her side. Assuming the same crouched position, he wiped her forehead and tenderly kissed her temple.
Speaking in Russian, just for her, he whispered, “You’re doing so well. You fucking amaze me, Vivian.” He claimed her mouth now. “Solnyshka.” He kissed her again. “We’re almost there. I’m so proud of you.”
No longer focused on the wall across the room, she held his gaze and nodded. He shifted until he was directly behind her and sitting on that spongy birthing ball. With his arms under hers, he held her up and gave her the support she needed to squat without tiring her legs. The contractions were right on top of each other now, and Vivian seemed to be vocalizing her pain much more.
Every now and then, he noticed the strange looks from the hospital staff. He didn’t blame them for being agog. Men like him weren’t known for being gentle or patient. With his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his mob tattoos on full display, he looked more like a prison inmate than a loving partner gently guiding his wife through her first childbirth.
When the midwife knelt down to check her after Vivian had a series of difficult contractions, she seemed surprised. “Oh! You’re plus two!”
What the hell does that mean?
“Okay, kiddo,” the midwife said, “if you want to give birth here, that’s fine. But if you think you want to be up in bed it’s time to move.” She patted Vivian’s knee again. “Because this baby is on his way.”
On his way? Now?
“Bed,” Vivian grunted. “My legs hurt so badly right now.”
He didn’t even wait for the midwife to stand. In the next heartbeat, he was on his feet and scooping Vivian up into his arms. He carefully placed her on the bed and stroked her hair while the staff flew into a whirlwind of activity. Kiki moved to the other side of the bed and talked quietly with the midwife about the birth plan and the things Vivian wanted to try to avoid.
Turning her face, Vivian gripped the front of his shirt. “Oh my God, Nikolai.” He could hear the fear in her voice now. A tear dripped from the corner of her left eye. “This hurts so much. I literally can’t—unnnhhhh.” She squeezed her eyes shut and whimpered pitifully. “Blyad!”
Hearing her curse like that drove home just how intense the pain had grown. Guilt hacked away at him but he ignored his own issues and focused on her. “Solnyshka, you can do this. You’re right here. You’re so close.”
“Oh, God, Nikolai,” she said, almost panicked. “I know I said I wanted, like, five babies with you, but maybe one is enough?”
“Sladest.” He brushed damp hair behind her ear and trailed his thumb over her lower lip. “One is a perfect number.”
“Good.” She blinked dazedly and then grimaced. Pushing up on her palms, she let loose a wild growl that stunned him. “Oh, God. I think it’s time!”
The midwife was at the foot of the bed in an instant to check Vivian. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s definitely time.” She instructed one of the nurses to get the obstetrician into the room, but Nikolai wasn’t sure the doctor was going to make it. “You need to hold your breath and bear down hard.”
The bed was quickly broken down and transformed. The nurses draped the area for the impending arrival of the baby. A team from the nursery entered the room and stood off to the side, ready to intervene if anything was wrong with the baby.
“Daddy?” The midwife addressed him with a smile. “Take Mama’s foot in this hand and cradle the back of her neck. Kiki?” She seemed to have a long-standing rapport with their doula who took Vivian’s other foot.
Scrunched up in a ball, Vivian exuded pure feminine power as she tackled the hardest phase of the process. In the back of his mind, he knew pushing could take hours in some cases, but judging by the response from the midwife and doula, Vivian seemed to be breaking a record. Seemingly consumed by her need to birth their son, she stared at a spot on the ceiling and inhaled slow, measured breaths before bearing down with each contraction.
One, two, three, four pushes and suddenly the midwife was urging her to breathe and stop pushing. He kept his eyes focused on Vivian’s face. She broke concentration as the pain overwhelmed her and glanced at him with an expression of sheer torment twisting her beautiful face. Grimacing, she clutched at his shirt and arm and whimpered. Sweat raced down her hairline and soaked the top of the gown. Tears dripped from the corners of her eyes.
“On this next contraction, bear down and push, Vivian,” the midwife urged. “Your baby is ready to be born.”
“Breathe through the pain,
” Kiki coached. “Embrace it. Own it.”
Vivian inhaled a deep breath and began to push. She expelled a loud cry and primal growl as their son was gently guided into the world by the midwife’s skilled hands.
When Lev was placed on Vivian’s chest, Nikolai felt woozy. It had all happened so fast he almost didn’t believe it was real. Vivian sobbed as she gingerly touched their tiny baby boy. Her fingers were shaking as she smoothed them along the wisps of dark hair atop his little head.
A nurse stepped in to suction the baby’s mouth and cover him with a towel. The stimulation of being rubbed clean was all he needed. Like a little lion, their son roared powerfully, clearing his lungs and throat and turning bright red as he punched the air and wriggled in search of his mother’s comfort and heat.
Oblivious to the pain, Vivian hugged their son close and turned tearful eyes toward him. Her voice thick with emotion, she said, “Kolya.”
“Solnyshka.” Leaning down, he shared a kiss with his wife that nearly took him out at the knees. Gutted by the experience of watching their son, their first child, come into the world, he held onto the bed rail with one hand and used the trembling fingers of the other to hold Lev’s tiny hand. Remembering what Romero had said back at the cabin, he pressed his forehead to Vivian’s and whispered, “Look at what we made.”
“He’s perfect, isn’t he?”
“He’s absolutely perfect,” Nikolai agreed.
Somehow he managed to keep it together enough to cut the cord. After that, the next couple of hours passed in a blur of activity. He walked Lev to the nursery to be weighed and bathed, but only after making sure Vivian would be all right without him. The paranoia that someone might try to take his son or harm him was so strong. He stood in a designated area of the nursery while staff weighed and bathed and dressed Lev.
By the time Lev was ready to come back to Vivian’s post-partum suite, she had showered and changed and was in bed finishing a meal. As soon as she was done, the nurse who doubled as a lactation consultant aided Kiki as they helped Vivian bring Lev to her breast for his first nursing.
Nikolai stood next to the bed and watched with a mixture of awe and wonder as his wife mastered this new skill. He tried to take in all of the advice the consultant and doula offered, but he began to feel jittery as if coming down from a high. Slowly he became aware of the rattling noises coming from their hospital bag. He unzipped the side pouch and realized their friends were blowing up their cell phones with text messages and phone calls.
Certain that answering all the messages would take forever, he decided to send Yuri and Lena the news first, mainly because Yuri had agreed to be Lev’s godfather and Lena was a social networking queen who would make sure anyone and everyone knew the baby was here.
Lev is here. 7 lbs 3 oz. Vee was amazing. She’s resting now.
A knock at the door drew his attention from the phone. He tucked it away in his pocket as a nurse entered the room with a familiar paper bag in her hand. “A friend of yours dropped this off at the desk. He didn’t want to bother you, but he said that he wanted to make sure you had a good meal tonight.”
“Thank you.” Nikolai took the sack bearing the Marquez bakery logo from the nurse. When Sophia had been born last year, Nikolai had sent a hot lunch from Samovar to Dimitri. It seemed his friend was now returning the favor.
While Vivian nursed Lev, he took a seat in the corner of the room and enjoyed the breakfast burrito and Mexican pastries Benny had sent him. For a late night meal, it hit the spot. When he reached inside for a napkin, he spotted the note written on the inside. Kostya’s handwriting was easy enough to recognize.
Hospital is locked down. Our friends are in the nursery and on the floor.
Nikolai wasn’t the least bit surprised that Kostya had arranged a way to control access to their room and the baby. More and more, the cleaner had taken on a role that could only be described as that of the underboss. More and more, Nikolai wondered if it wasn’t time to shake up the organization a little…
A short while later, the nurse left and so did Kiki, but not before squeezing him in a bear hug. The doula caught him off-guard and had her arms wrapped around him before he could sidestep her. He awkwardly patted her back and thanked her while Vivian smiled at them from the bed.
Alone with his wife and his son, Nikolai eased onto the hospital bed and gently adjusted the hat keeping their baby’s head warm. Curled up against Vivian’s breast, Lev seemed content with his cushiony sleeping place. “He’s very quiet.”
“He’s sleepy like his mommy,” Vivian whispered, her eyelids drooping badly.
“Let me take him.” Nikolai waited to see if she would object to having the baby taken from her. Her mothering instincts to fiercely protect her child had been activated by his birth, and she seemed a bit possessive about holding him. It was a natural reaction, he supposed, especially after the primal experience she had just endured.
“I’d love that.” She willingly relinquished their son into his arms. He carefully supported Lev’s head and cradled him close to his chest while Vivian rearranged the blanket he had been swaddled in and tucked the loose end a bit tighter. She dropped back against her pillow and smiled up at him. Her eyes glimmered with love and warmth. “You look wonderful like that.”
Nikolai swallowed hard. His throat tightened as he gazed down at his son. The dark ink curling around his arms seemed so harsh and cruel compared to the cherubic innocence of Lev’s sweet little face. Feeling vulnerable but brave, he admitted, “It feels good to finally hold him.”
Vivian touched his arm. “I love you. So much. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Yes, you could have. Because you are the strongest person I know, Vee.” Holding Lev close, he bent down and captured her mouth in a kiss that he never wanted to end. “I love you doesn’t even come close to what I feel right now.”
“It’s enough,” she assured him. “It’s more than enough.”
Nikolai waited until Vivian had finally succumbed to exhaustion before carefully standing. He sat in the rocking chair near the bed and began to rock slowly. While Vivian had been pregnant, he had never been able to clearly picture a moment like this. A father and his baby in a rocking chair? It wasn’t exactly his thing.
Yet here he was, rocking and cuddling the tiniest, most wonderful thing he had ever seen. Lost in the possibilities of his son’s future, Nikolai marveled at the baby he held. His nose, his ears, his eyes and mouth—there was so much that was familiar about Lev.
In the quiet, dim hospital room, Nikolai was consumed by thoughts of his own mother and father. What had it been like for his mother to go through a pregnancy and childbirth alone as a young and vulnerable teenager? Had Maksim come to the hospital? Had Maksim held him as a baby? What had his mother dreamed of for him? Had she known that he would someday become a powerful, feared mob boss? Or had she dreamed that he would be a doctor or lawyer?
Lev started to fuss, and Vivian was instantly awake. Nikolai wasn’t sure what he had done, but it became clear that Lev simply wanted to nurse again. He handed the baby back to Vivian and sat at the foot of the bed while she sleepily put their son to her breast and tried to get him to latch correctly. When it didn’t work, he hesitantly reached out to help her. She cast a thankful but embarrassed smile at him as they figured out how to make breastfeeding happen together.
A nurse peeked inside the room and softly asked for permission to come inside to check on Vivian. He tried not to hover as the nurse made sure his wife’s blood pressure had normalized, and she didn’t have a temperature. When all was well, the nurse quietly retreated.
He waited for Lev to fall asleep again before taking him from Vivian who nodded off within seconds of handing off their son. Feeling energized and protective, he returned to the rocking chair and cradled the baby. His mind was racing with thoughts of all the new and wonderful experiences that awaited him, but also with the deep-seated worries that he would fail this sweet little boy who
depended on him.
When the first pink and orange rays of sunshine streaked across the sky, Nikolai rose from the chair and walked to the windows overlooking the city. As the sun rose in the sky, he closed his eyes and let the heat of the rays penetrating the glass wash over and warm him. Down below, the city bustled with activity.
Brushing his lips across his son’s head, he murmured in Russian, “Do you see that? This city? Houston? It’s our city.”
Until that moment, he hadn’t truly understood the implications of having a son. Maksim and Luka had called the boy his heir, but Nikolai had never acknowledged those claims. It hadn’t felt right…until now.
“Someday, this will all be yours.” Nikolai swore then and there that he would continue to build legitimate business and real power that his son—that his children—could inherit. “Everything I do is for you and your mother.” He swallowed around the ball of emotion trapped in his throat. “You are the luckiest boy in the world to have the mama you do. Someday, you’ll understand how wonderful she is, how beautiful and strong and brilliant. Someday, you’ll be just as amazed by her as I am.”
Lev had opened his eyes and blinked slowly as Nikolai talked to him in Russian. His son couldn’t understand a word coming from his mouth, but he didn’t let that stop him.
“I’m not a good man. I’ve made so many mistakes. But I’ll be a good father to you. I’ll be a good father and a good husband, and you will always know how much you are loved.” His eyes burned, and he blinked rapidly to clear them. He swore on his life that his son would never know the hunger and pain and trauma and abuse that had ruined his own childhood. “You and your mother are the reason I breathe.”
Lev had worked one of his small arms free from the swaddling blanket and bumped his fist against Nikolai’s finger. A moment later, he captured it—and Nikolai’s heart nearly burst in his chest. The love he felt for his son overwhelmed him. A tear slid down his cheek, but he didn’t wipe it away. For one of those rare moments, he allowed himself to feel everything.