by S. M. Lynch
“Boy, this is old, right?” Kyle said.
“Yup. Another world,” Camille confirmed.
My father raised his feet to the footrest and Camille took that as her cue to climb up onto him and burrow into his side, one of her legs hooked over his. Kyle saw this and looked at me, his eyes moving side to side. I shook my head. He wasn’t to comment on it or replicate it. It was what it was. Don’t question it. That was just how they were.
“I did have a bit of a thing for Santa outfits once,” she said into my dad’s ear, but we still heard it.
“Could you have warned me we’d need a sick bucket,” I said, and Kyle grinned.
Anyway, despite the ridiculousness of our outfits, they were definitely warm, and I hadn’t had to turn the heat up or even put on a log, despite the forecast warning it’d drop to -20 overnight. My father’s arm cradled Camille and he held her with his hand on her hip. They could’ve been mistaken for lovers, but I knew better. They were really two very lonely and passionate people who only had each other… and were taking whatever they could get, even if it were entirely platonic. They were each some kind of stand-in for what the other was missing, maybe.
After finally getting comfy, we all watched the film properly. I’d watched it before, of course. Whenever Camille had hosted Christmas, we’d always watched it.
By the end, I had tears in my eyes, but Kyle was full-on crying. They didn’t make films like these anymore. I put my arms around his neck and hugged him. Maybe he’d felt a link to the time he was from, or maybe the spirit of Christmas had struck a chord.
Camille dabbed her eyes and even my father’s nostrils flared as he breathed deeply, trying not to let it get to him. We all knew something was coming… we just didn’t know when.
Chapter Nineteen
I WAS IN CHARGE OF hot chocolate (another of Camille’s Christmas Eve traditions) and left them all in the living room just before bedtime to get everything ready. I had cinnamon to sprinkle on top of the cream I’d whipped, I had caramel sauce melted into the drink, and I was just about to put the finishing touches to our sweet treats, when my father walked into the kitchen and had a look in his eye I recognized.
He wanted to talk.
He confirmed this when he shut the door behind him.
“We should address you and Kyle.” The way he said his name, as if it wasn’t a real name… made me bristle.
“What about us?”
“Have you been careful?”
His words made me inwardly groan, and honestly, I felt genuinely disappointed.
I kept my head down, turning what I was doing with the hot chocolate into an artform, just so I didn’t have to look at him.
“Do you mean are we using protection?”
He grunted and turned his back on me. “Suppose.”
“We’re not sleeping together.”
“Ari, don’t—”
“I’m not lying. I DON’T LIE! Unlike you.”
He breathed in sharply, finding it hard not to retaliate.
When he said nothing, I gave him a sideways glance and his eyelids were twitching, his mouth was a tense line and we both knew Mom would’ve handled this much better.
“Camille said she heard you two last night.”
“Yeah, talking,” I exclaimed, turning to stare at him, arms folded.
I made a mental note not to trust Camille again.
“Well, it’s not really just that I’m concerned about, is it?” he said in a growl, his voice full of grit.
“It’s really funny, you know,” I said, toeing the floor and shaking my head. “My father has no interest in my life… my safety… until literally I seem even a little bit happy… and then you ride in, as if you think you’re my knight in shining armor, when actually, all you want is to shit all over it.”
“Ari,” he growled, deeper and more seriously this time. “Sharing a bed is much more intimate than a quick grope or an assignation in the back of someone’s car. You’ve invited him into your confidence. That’s what I’m trying to say: you’ve got me worried because you’ve brought him into your circle of trust, and no matter what you say, you know that circle includes me and Camille, too. And yeah, we’re worried. So, there you have it.”
I could hear his breathing, which had become harsh, and I even felt bad for the old guy. I often treated him badly, but he wasn’t innocent, either.
For a few minutes, there was silence. In those moments, I had no idea what to say. Then, suddenly, I did.
“You’ve got to trust me. Even if you don’t trust him, trust me,” I said, lifting my eyes to his.
The purple circles under his eyes were veined and popping with tension. I knew whatever I said, it wouldn’t matter. This was a father-daughter thing. Clone or alien or human, he was never going to feel totally comfortable with Kyle.
“I trust you, Ari.”
“Then why did you lead with the whole, ‘Are you using protection?’ thing? Because if you knew me at all, you’d know that’s just a dumb question to ask someone like me. I’m Miss Responsibility, I’m Miss Hyper-Aware. What? Do you honestly think I could forget the years we lived in obscurity because of the restrictions yours and Mom’s jobs imposed on us? Did you ever stop to wonder that maybe I’m overburdened by rules and know only too well the consequences of my actions? Did you ever stop to wonder if that’s why my brother rebelled—”
I was letting my emotions get the better of me, but my logical brain told me I was permitted. I was seventeen, damn it. I was allowed to be a kid, right?
All I knew was that Arthur was out there, trying to be all grown up because he’d never felt worthy of Dad’s praise.
I growled and threw my hands up, paced the kitchen and let him know I was exasperated.
“Kyle understands me. He knows what it’s like to feel alone, to feel adrift and not normal. None of us are normal,” I complained, “and you know? Mom understood that was hard, but I don’t think you ever have. This… is your normal,” I asserted, gesturing at the world in which were living. “Always fighting, always looking for something new to get your teeth into. Well, some of us are overdosed on adrenalin and just want to climb into bed at night with someone to cuddle and make us feel safe, all right?”
I caught my father’s expression after my speech and he seemed truly burnt.
“If you had even a small inkling of what I go through every day, living without your mother, Ari—” His lip trembled and his face sagged. “You don’t know the things I’ve seen and done. Nor the things Cami or your mother or any of us of my generation had to do. And I’m glad. I’m glad you don’t have those same demons.” He gulped on air, managed a big inhale, and then groaned, “Even if you don’t believe me, and I don’t always show it, I do love you… more than I could ever say.”
His voice got weaker on that last bit… and my eyes filled… and I ran into his arms. He squeezed me inside his embrace like I was a doll inside the arms of a fraught child trying to find some relief from their favorite comforter. I felt small, tiny and protected. I knew he was only looking out for me, but he didn’t know what it was like to be me. And I didn’t know what it was to be him. Connected by love, but what else? We were so different.
“Come back to Manchester,” he begged, clutching my hair in his hands and refusing to let me go. “We are always in need of chemists… and Kyle could train to become a guard. Just, let me take care of you both.”
I lifted my head back and looked up at him. “That’s what I wanted when I came to you, just after he arrived… and you sent me away. Now you’ve changed your tune… what gives, huh?”
I saw a flicker in his eye. Something had changed. He broke our embrace and massaged his forehead, resting back against the kitchen counter.
“All that we learnt from Seth… it’s got me rattled. For decades now, Officium has been out of the game. Don’t you think I would’ve acted had I known they were up to their old tricks again? So, whoever kept this from me, did so for a reason. To
think the enemy would return… you don’t know what that fear is like, just the thought of it, let alone the actual reality… if it came to pass.”
“No,” I murmured, “we’re staying here now, for as long as Camille allows. It’s safer. I know Paris better than anywhere else. I know the people. If something comes for us here, I’ll know sooner than I would if we were elsewhere.”
His jaw ticked, as though he’d already known I wouldn’t agree to come anyway, but had decided it was worth a try. That’s why he was checking on the status of my relationship with Kyle, because he knew this family would be parted again soon, and he was conscious of clearing his conscience before he returned to Manchester. This was the way it’d always been—Dad claimed to be looking out for me, but he really had left me to my own devices, all these years. Going back to Manchester now would be like giving up the freedom I’d had all these years, and really, there was no going back on that. I’d grown up way ahead of schedule.
Then he sighed, and told me, “I don’t want it to be for you like it was for your mother.”
“What do you mean?” I snapped.
He looked tired, rubbed his eyes, and sighed, even more labored. “You’re young, Ari. You shouldn’t be like us. I had to leave your mother so that she could be safe. What if he has to do the same? I know what that’s like. But I also knew your mother was tough. She was the toughest person in the world, believe me. And she went through hell when we were apart.”
“You can’t keep projecting your stuff onto me.”
“No? Can’t I? When I see you heading down the same roads, you expect me not to say anything? Well, that’s tough, isn’t it? Because I’m saying it now. If… when… you and he are inevitably parted, you’re going to be devastated… and it’s only going to be harder… if you let him into your heart.”
My lip trembled and I asserted, “You’re too late. I have a big heart. And guess what? Nobody else has been here to fill it up… except him. He’s taken the available space. The rest of you failed. You abandoned me.”
His jaw ticked angrily and he was about to retort, when I held up my hand.
“I’m an adult next week, Dad. You no longer have a say.”
“I said the same thing to my own father,” he said through gritted teeth. “But you know I don’t deserve that.”
“No, you’re not Nathaniel Hardy, are you? You’re something entirely different. And because of who, eh? Because of who?”
“Your mother,” he mumbled.
“I rest my case, Dad. If none of you have a plan, then maybe I do.”
“You’re too young to know the world, Ari,” he insisted.
“Au contraire, Father. You can tell yourself that over and over, but despite your best efforts to swaddle Arthur and I in cotton wool, we’ve been exposed to the reality of things from a very early age… and that’s how it is, I am afraid. Just accept it.”
Camille chose that moment to walk in. “Where’s the chocolat chaud…?”
“Coming,” I said, brightly. “Just need to sprinkle the cinnamon.”
“Well, hurry up… I’m an early riser. I need bed already.”
The orphanage had left its mark on her: early to bed, early to rise; boarding-school baths in no more than four inches of water; unending discipline; spartan lifestyle; and the infinite apology she made to the world, just for being so damn extraordinary.
I raised my eyebrows and Dad offered to carry the tray once I’d finishing preparing our drinks. Before we left the room, he turned and looked at me, his massive bulk barring the door, nor could I barge past, not with him carrying our tall glasses of hot liquid.
“Ari. Don’t do it,” he begged.
“You don’t know what’s between us.”
“I know what’s between a man and a woman better than anyone in this family. Your mother may be gone, but she’s still with me, every day. That’s what love is. And once you’re in, there’s no getting out, none at all. You become a slave to it.”
“You’re right. And even now she’s gone, nobody can get between the two of you, especially not Arthur and me. Are you surprised that when I disagreed with him, he went off on his own? And is out there now, causing such trouble? That love, yeah, I saw it was great… but the cost when she died wasn’t just on you, it was on other people, too.”
“Oh, don’t act so immature, Ari. We both know Arthur is tapped in the head. It wouldn’t have mattered who he had for parents. Or that his mum died. He was always going to fall for the dark side.”
“Well, if you want to know why I’ve fallen for Kyle, then take a long look at yourself and Mom. You taught us love is all that matters. And if my brother is incapable of love, what does that leave him with? It leaves him with hate, that’s it. And instead of wasting your breath hammering home to me tonight how I should be forcing my boyfriend to wear a condom, when we’re not even having sex yet, you should be in York… picking him up and removing him from what he’s got himself into.”
“I wish it were that simple.”
“For Ryken Hardy, it should be.”
He looked hurt and pushed his back against the door, letting us both out. We weren’t going to make any progress that evening—and he knew it. Dad could hardly preach to me, not when Arthur’s deeds since he left the family home had been dark indeed.
All I was guilty of was caring.
Arthur was guilty of much else.
And Dad knew it.
KYLE AND I didn’t hide the fact that we were sharing a bed that night. As soon as we’d both finished our drinks, he joined me in my room at my insistence, of course. Then as the door was closed, he whispered, “What happened? Did he give his blessing?”
He had a mocking look; of course, he was being sarcastic.
“He was trying to act like a parent for the first time in five years. I allowed him to be one for about five minutes, but I’m done letting him make me feel guilty for being happy about finally having someone who understands me.”
Kyle registered I was upset and was hugging me as soon as the words had tumbled out.
“He’s your dad, just let him say his piece and then move on.”
“I know,” I groaned, grateful when he hugged me even harder.
In the background, we heard Camille in her room above ours, trying to force my father to calm down and cease whatever rant he was on. Couldn’t he leave the poor woman alone? She’d already had her Christmas Eve ruined by him not letting her get an early night. It was eleven and I reckoned he wouldn’t cease his nonsense until at least midnight.
Kyle and I had cleaned our teeth and were embraced in bed when we heard her raise her voice and tell him, “Ariadne is right! The men of this family have the problem, not the women! She is going to be fine. It’s Arthur you need to give attention to!”
Oh shit…
Then there were hushed voices—obviously, she realized what she’d said—also that we’d probably heard, too.
“Who’s Arthur?” asked Kyle softly.
I closed my eyes and whispered, “My twin brother.”
“Why do you say it like that?”
“Like what?” I asked in the dark, my face turned the other way, so I could entirely profess innocence—at least through my voice, anyway.
“Like you not telling me you’re a twin is okay.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Why?”
“It’s late… maybe when Camille and my dad are gone, I’ll open that can of worms, all right?”
“Why not now? Neither of us will sleep if you don’t tell me.”
“I’ll sleep fine… when everyone stops trying to intimidate me all day long.”
“Intimidated, are you? Fine. I’ll go.”
He got out of bed, raced from the room—letting all the heat out of our bed at the same time, much to my pain—and slammed the door on his own room, not even closing my door, the warmth continuing to seep from my bedroom, my bed, my veins, my bones… and I felt all alone, unhappy and perilously
close to walking out of that house and losing myself somewhere else for a while.
If only it weren’t four-foot deep out there…
I tried to stay where I was and not let any of them move me from my bed. The voices upstairs were incredibly quiet but still discernable, so I knew they were whispering at one another up there, and had also likely heard Kyle slam his bedroom door.
I’d gone from being afraid that my dad would never accept Kyle—and believing that nothing else could affect me more—to being afraid Kyle would never accept me, now he knew about this other piece of my life. And nothing felt worse than him having left my side because he was upset with me.
I gave it ten minutes before I snuck down the hallway, then rapped gently on his door before letting myself inside. His body was a lump in the bed, laid in the fetal position, unhappy with me and my inability to divulge the truth.
“Can I get in? I’m freezing,” I complained.
He opened the covers and I practically leapt in, so freaking happy when his arms came around me. I turned into his embrace and stroked his cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
“Me too, I overreacted, it was dumb… it was just the shock. I’m sure you have a good reason for not telling me.”
I couldn’t help myself and I moved in closer and kissed him, pulling my fingers through his hair and groaning.
“I already know I hate fighting with you,” I murmured, giving him a tender kiss.
“Me too. Hate it.”
He dragged me even closer, pulling one of my thighs around his waist and clutching my ass in his big hands.
“But I also know the making up in future would be really good,” he said, and I could see his smile even in the dark, it was so wide.
“All you need to know is that my brother isn’t me, okay?”
His eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, Ari?”
“He’s… he lost his way, Kyle. That’s why Camille lives in York… he’s there… and she has to hide… if he knew… but she’s doing what my mom would’ve done… taking care of him… making sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble, even if from a distance.”