Until I Met You

by Jaimie Roberts

  I tried releasing the tight arms now invading my waist. I knew that if I didn’t get away I would break down. I don’t cry, and I haven’t cried since that horrible day. I didn’t want that to change. “Please let me go,” I said pulling at his arms. He was sobbing now and it broke my heart to hear him in such agony. My body wanted to hold him—wanted to comfort him—but my mind was screaming at me to get away. My survival instincts were kicking in like never before.

  “I can’t let you go. Please Angelina, hold me. You’re my angel. My life was nothing until I met you.”

  A lump was forming and I knew if he said anymore, that would be it. I’d be broken again. “I have to go. Please let me go.”

  He gripped me tighter. “I can’t.”

  I knew I had to think of something drastic—knew I had to think of good reason why he had to let go. “You’re hurting me.”

  That was all it took. He let go of me, shock in his watery eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  For a fleeting moment, I stared at him and he looked like a lost little boy. His eyes were full of pain—full of sorrow.

  “I can’t do this. I have to go.”

  Right at that moment, I ran. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me. Luckily for me the lift was still at Seth’s floor, so I was able to quickly get away. I punched the ground floor button about a million times before my legs would give way.

  I could still see Seth on the floor, fear burning a whole into my heart. My mind was racing and my body wanted to give out. The panic rising through me was palpable. How could I get this one chance to love, and that one chance has been ripped apart from me at the seams?

  I gripped onto my heart as the pain ripping through it was like nothing I had ever experienced.

  The doors eventually opened and my feet were finding movement for me. I ran and ran until I thought I couldn’t run any faster. People were looking at me from all sides as I pushed past them in an endless panic. I wanted to get home. I needed to be away from all the noise, all the pressure of a hundred eyes bearing down upon me, witnessing my anguish as my soul was being ripped apart into little pieces.

  I could see my door in the distance. Only a few more metres now and I’ll be there, locked up away from the outside world—from the torture that life had to offer. I was almost there, virtually there, within arm’s reach, but I was nearly knocked off my feet by my silver-haired boss.

  “Jesus, Angelina. Are you okay?”

  The look in his eyes of pure concern was all it took. I collapsed in his arms.

  In that moment I felt it building—felt the burn rising in the back of my throat. My eyes were stinging, and my stomach was crying out in agony.

  It was then I realised. I couldn’t hold on any longer. There was no way I could possible keep it in.

  With a grip of Jonathan’s coat, I let it all out. All these years I have kept the pain in, kept my heart away from the pain of being in love. Now the pain was flooding. The dam was broken and all the water was pouring out, almost drowning me in its path. The agony was all too consuming.

  Jonathan wrapped his arms around me, letting me sob into his shoulder. He held me tight, not once faltering. He led me to my door and opened it for me. Once inside by the stairs, he picked me up and carried me up towards my living room, and set me down on his lap. He never spoke, never tried to pull away. He just let me cry and cry until my body dried up of tears, and all that was left were little breathless sobs escaping my lips.

  “Angelina, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something that I could do. I hate seeing you like this.”

  I shook my head. I was tired with it all. “Why of all the people in the world, did I have to fall in love with him? Why was I given this chance, only to have it torn away from me?”

  He set me down on the sofa and quickly got up. “I’ll be back in a sec. I’ll get you a drink. It should help a bit.”

  He walked towards the cabinets at the bottom of the kitchen and pulled out another bottle of rum—which I had replaced after that night with Shelly and Brad. He pulled two glasses out and poured a very large helping each. He placed the bottle down on the table, then went back to get the two glasses.

  “Here, that should help a little.”

  I took the glass from him and virtually downed the lot. The feel of the first taste burnt my throat, but it was a welcome one. Better then feeling the constant burning pain in my stomach. That was excruciating.

  “I know this is hard now, sweetheart, but you will move on and find someone else.”

  I shook my head vehemently. “No way. If this had taught me anything, Jonathan, it was the fact I was always right to not let anyone in. I was fine up until I met Seth, then he changed everything. I’m not letting myself go back there again. Ever. My walls are up, and nothing will ever penetrate me again. I refuse to live life like this.”

  “But that’s exactly what it is, Angelina. Life. You can’t go through yours thinking that no one matters. I know you better than that. You knew how good it felt to love Seth, didn’t you?” I nodded my head, feeling more tears sting my eyes.

  “Well, how can you stop yourself from feeling that kind of pure emotion? How can you deprive yourself of something that can be so wonderful? You can have that, Angelina. You deserve that—and one day, you will have it again. Just with the right person next time.”

  “But I found the right person,” I said shaking my head.

  “Angelina, you and I know that’s not true. Your parent’s have made sure of that. Talking of which, have you spoken with your mother yet?”

  I shook my head again. “No, I don’t think I can at the moment. She’s tried calling, but I just can’t speak with her so soon after having this bomb dropped from a hundred thousand feet above me. I know I have to speak with her at some point. I just can’t do it now.”

  “Okay, but she is still your mother.”

  “I know, I know. I just need time.” He pulled me into his arms and we stayed like that for a while just chatting. He was a great source of comfort for me at the moment. It made me wonder for a little while if Seth had that kind of comfort, too. It killed me to think that maybe he was at that big penthouse on his own, feeling just like I was feeling. No matter what he is to me, I will always care. That can never stop or change.

  “Maybe I should go. It’s getting late and I’m being a bad influence plying you with drink.”

  He made a move to get up but I stopped him. “Please don’t go, Jonathan. I want you to stay.” I looked into his deep brown eyes and I knew what I could see—a man conflicted. I felt a slight panic and unease at making him feel this way. I don’t know why I did it, but I leant in to kiss him. He was receptive at first and it was warm and inviting—just like Seth.

  But he wasn’t Seth.

  Horrified with myself, I pulled away. “I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling the tears rise again. I haven’t cried in years and yet tonight, they were on a free for all.

  “No, I’m sorry,” he said, making me feel ten times worse. “I shouldn’t have let you… I know you’re hurting and it feels like I’m taking advantage.”

  “But I’m the one that kissed you,” I said, shocked.

  “Yes, but I didn’t stop it, you did. I should have known better. I think you know how much I like you, Angelina—that has never changed for me—but I know that we would never have a future together. I think we both know that, no matter how much I don’t like it.”

  “Why are you so sensible?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

  Jonathan chuckled. “Because that’s just me. I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll say screw sensible.”

  I didn’t know whether he meant with me, or in general. The insinuation was there, but I didn’t want to analyse it. Not now. I was hurting too much over Seth and now feeling incredibly guilty for kissing Jonathan. My whole life seemed a mess.

  “Listen, I can stay if you really want me to. Just give me a blanket and I’ll sleep on the sofa.” He tugged me into his shoulder with a smile. />
  “Okay, thank you, Jonathan. You’re a true friend. I really mean that.”

  Jonathan slept on the sofa and it was a comfort knowing he was there. In the morning we made breakfast together, but I knew Jonathan would have to go at some point. I just didn’t relish the thought of me being on my own again.

  It wasn’t long after he left that I heard the door knocking. It must have been Jonathan as it was coming from my door upstairs, not downstairs. I was right about one thing, but wasn’t expecting to see Seth right behind him.

  “What the hell was he doing leaving your flat first thing in the morning?”

  He was angry, but I could also see the hurt in his eyes. They were just as red and puffy as mine. He sensed it of course, and his face quickly softened.

  “Have you been crying?” He rushed forward to be with me, but I backed away. I couldn’t have him this close. It would tear me apart. The tears were already stinging my eyes again.

  “Seth, this is not what it looks like. Angelina was distraught when I bumped into her last night—”

  “Hold up a minute, he stayed the whole night?” He clenched his fists together and I could see he was trying to stay under control. He was a ticking time bomb.

  “Seth, that’s enough!” I shouted. I felt the tears burn now and I didn’t fight it. I let them flow—what should I care anymore?

  Seth looked at my tears and winced. This was the first time he had ever seen me cry, and it was harder than I thought to let him witness it.

  All of a sudden, I felt faint. The room seemed to be caving in on me. “Jonathan stayed on the sofa—look, you can see the blanket and pillows still there. I was a mess and he comforted me that’s all. I… I…”

  Everything seemed to happen at once. Seth and Jonathan were there, and were staring at my feet. “Angel, you’re bleeding.”

  I looked down, feeling dizzier than ever. I saw the blood, felt how strange it all was, and then my world turned black.

  Chapter 20

  I woke up to the sound of shouting. I didn’t know where I was. All I knew was I was lying down and could feel people prodding me.

  “Let me help Angelina, son.”

  “Don’t you ever call me son again. Not after what you did. And why can’t I help her? Take the blood from me.”

  “Seth!” I cried, trying to prise my eyes open. It was no use. I was falling again. Back into the darkness.

  I didn’t know how long I was out for. I still wasn’t sure what the hell was happening. I managed to open my eyes and could see I was in a hospital. The light was shining through, so it must have been morning.

  Looking across from my bed, I could see Seth asleep in the chair. He looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to disturb him.

  I lay silent for a while, just enjoying the peace from watching him sleep. I could see his hands resting on his lap and the desperation I felt to touch one of them was immense.

  He stirred a little, turning, but then he shot up. “Angelina!” he shouted.

  He snapped his head to mine, and I saw the panic fade from seeing me awake now. He grabbed my hand and asked me if I felt okay. I nodded my head, but I was still none the wiser as to what had happened.

  “What am I doing here, Seth?” The look on his face made me wish I never asked.

  “You were three months pregnant,” he began, tears rolling down his face. “You haemorrhaged so much that you lost the baby.”

  I bit my lip and looked away. I was trying to hold in the sob I knew was going to come at any moment. I released it and the minute I did, Seth was there, holding me.

  “I’m sorry, baby,” he cried into my shoulder. “You needed blood, I wanted to give you some, but I don’t have the same blood type as you. Unfortunately Dad does,” he said, looking at the drip.

  Looking up, I could see a near empty bag hanging above me. I buried my head in my hands. I couldn’t believe the almighty mess I had got myself in. I didn’t even know I was pregnant—and now it felt as though I had been punished for loving Seth. It screamed at me how wrong this whole situation was, that my baby was rejected because of it. He or she wasn’t meant to come into this world—all because, genetically—it wasn’t right.

  Seth held my hands, and no matter how wrong I thought it was, I needed the comfort. He needed the comfort. This was his baby, too.

  It was then I had this sudden realisation. “I can’t understand it, Seth. I was on the pill.”

  Seth smiled and kissed my hand. “It doesn’t matter, Angel. If circumstances were different, I would have been over the moon with the news.” He looked away for a moment. “I punched my dad,” he said with a sarcastic laugh.

  “What?” I asked, shocked.

  “I punched him and he let me. He didn’t even fight back. It wasn’t even worth it. I just hated him so much. I saw you here and felt helpless and then I saw my dad and blamed him for putting you here. It’s all one big fucking mess. I hate him. I can’t believe he did this.” He shook his head, squeezed my hand and tried in vain to smile.

  “He wants to see you, but he knew I wouldn’t leave you alone, so he’s staying clear for now. I just never know what to do, Angelina. I don’t know what’s for the best.”

  I squeezed his hand back, knowing exactly what he was trying to say. We were in love still and nothing could take that away. It wasn’t our fault that we fell in love, but we also knew that we couldn’t be together again like that anymore.

  He climbed on the bed and held me. We stayed like that for an age, just holding each other—comforting each other with our loss. I never wanted a child—but now that I knew he or she had been here—had existed—I couldn’t help but feel the pain. The baby was ours, the baby was something real, and that’s what really counts. A soul destined never to be born is now lost from my grip. A grip I didn’t even know I had.

  A doctor came to check all my vitals. He told me that I had to have a D & C operation and that he wanted me in for one more day, because of the amount of blood I lost. He said everything looked fine, but felt the need to express his condolences. I doubt very much that the doctors knew of our situation—and I didn’t want them to. I felt ashamed enough as it was.

  Jonathan later came with some flowers, expressing his deepest sympathy. That opened the floodgates for a millionth time since the day before. I went from strong and tough, to a blubbering baby in the blink of an eye. But pain like this was hard to take.

  Thomas came to see me and Seth was reluctant to let him in. I told him it was okay as I had to face him sometime. He was—after all—my father.

  “Angelina, how are you feeling?”

  He came in and sat down in the chair opposite me. I could see a bit of a shiner developing on his right eye. “I’m okay. I just wanted to thank you for the donation.” I looked up at the bag of blood as he smiled.

  “You’re more than welcome. You are my daughter after all.”

  I winced at the sound of him calling me his daughter. I didn’t want any of this. I wish I could wake up from this really bad dream. I wish all of it would go away.

  “I have something for you.” He produced a jewellery box. Once he opened it, it revealed an intricate diamond necklace in a tear drop form. It also had cluster of tiny diamonds around the main diamond.

  I shook my head in disbelief. “What is this?” I asked, enraged. “You think you can make up for lost time? Daddies little girl who never got all the expensive things he could have given her as a child. I never needed it, I never wanted it, and I don’t want it now. I only asked you here to thank you. I don’t want anything from you.”

  He looked at me with pain in his eyes. I didn’t want to falter. Knowing him was too painful for words because it just reminded me of what I had lost.

  “But it wasn’t my fault, Angelina. I didn’t even know you existed.”

  I sighed. “I know you didn’t and I appreciate that, but you never at the time thought about your actions, did you? Did you ever consider how torn apart Melissa would be over w
hat you did? I know she doesn’t like me very much, but no one deserves to have her husband sleep with her best friend—no matter what the circumstances. I would suggest you give this to Melissa—and I would suggest you grovel on your hands and knees for the rest of your life until she forgives you—that’s if she ever does.” I turned my head away from him as I could feel the tears sting again. “Please leave,” I said with a trembling lip.

  I felt a hand on my shoulder and I immediately flinched. “I’m so sorry, Angelina. For everything.”

  I heard him leave and I immediately released a breath I didn’t realise I was holding. With it came a sob. The tears came endlessly, mourning the loss of Seth, mourning the loss of our baby.

  Seth came rushing in and saw the state I was in. He was by my side in a flash, holding me in his arms. “I knew it was a bad idea letting him see you.”

  I took a few deep breaths, trying hard to get the words out. “It’s okay. I told him what I needed him to hear. That’s it now.”

  Seth later told me that my mother had been calling him. I think she felt more relaxed talking to Seth. They have always gotten along and he still talks kindly to her despite what has happened since. He just blames his dad for what’s happened. I blame both of them. They both knew what they were getting themselves into. I can’t excuse any of them for that.

  The good thing is, he told her I was fine, but I still wasn’t quite ready to talk to her just yet. My dad called and I had plenty of time for him. Even he was trying to get me to forgive her.

  “Angel,” he said. “Your mum is in turmoil here. Why can’t you find it in your heart to forgive her?”

  “How can you defend her after what she did?”

  “What happened was twenty-seven years ago now. We have always led a healthy, happy marriage since. I’m not going to break that up now.”

  I knew he loved my mother, but I still couldn’t find it in my heart to forgive the betrayal. “But it still happened, Dad. She was still unfaithful to you.”