by Angel Lawson
“Hey, babe.”
“I’m stalking you on the phone tracker. You should have left five minutes ago.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Jackson came in and distracted me.”
“You’re really going to blame Jackson?” she asked, playfully. “Because if you want, I can call him and have him come distract me while I’m waiting for you.”
“You wouldn’t dare. This is our time together. You know that.” I waited for a car to pass and turned on the main road. “Since we had to skip last week because you were sick, I’m definitely not missing out today. You still feeling better?”
“Yeah, a little bit every day, even though that pesky cough won’t go away. At least we know I’m not contagious.”
“I’d risk it.” Going a week without our “date” had been hard enough. As long as she was truly feeling better, there was no chance she could keep me away.
I turned the car into our neighborhood, testing the speed limit. Since Heaven worked on a TV show she had every Friday off. And since it was hard for me to curtail my work habits, we arranged for some private time at home. Jackson was at the gym. Hayden at the training facility. Anderson in the pool. They gave us the time we needed.
“Two minutes,” I promised and hung up.
The thought of my girl waiting for me, ready for me, gave me a thrill. One that never, ever lessened.
I screeched into the driveway, leaving the car halfway down, racing into the house. I was already hard, just thinking about her. My heart already hammering. I walked down the hall to the master bedroom, the one we’d given Heaven, and opened the door.
My eyes fell directly on her, waiting by the end of the bed. She wore a sheer black top with a lacy bra and panties. In all honesty, I’d expected her to be lying in the bed in her sweatpants and tank top reading a book, phone tracker on, ready to give me hell for making her wait.
She stood nervously, hand tugging at the bra. This wasn’t her normal thing.
“Damn, you look beautiful.”
“I thought I’d try something different.”
I closed the distance between us and ran my hand down her arm. “You know I don’t need any of this.”
“I know, but you’ve been so sweet about me being sick I thought I’d surprise you. It was worth it to see that expression on your face.” She ran her hand down my front, landing on the bulge between my legs. “And to make you excited.”
“You think you don’t always make me excited?” I bent and kissed her shoulder, working my way up her neck. I used my teeth to tug at her ear, my fingers to roam her back. I knew she liked to be touched all over, working her body into a frenzy before making love. “I think about you all day, babe, every day. I wake up hard and go to sleep hard, but I don’t care if we have sex, or if you dress up like a goddess or just look like a regular, beautiful girl. All that matters is that I love you and you love me and that makes any time together with you special.”
I dropped to my knees and kissed her belly, taking my time with her body. As much as I wanted to rip off that lace, I loved seeing her in it. Seeing the thin material hiding her best, most delicious parts.
She arched her back as I traveled lower, her hands skimming along my neck. Her hips moved, seeking friction, but I held off, kissing between her thighs. She pushed at the fabric and I chuckled at her impatience, blowing hot air across her skin before succumbing, lowering the thin, lacey straps down her hips. I sucked on her hipbones, below her belly button, and she reached for me, tugging me upward and pushing my shirt over my head. Every time Heaven and I had sex it was like a new experience. She explored my body with awe and appreciation. She touched my chest, my abs. She toyed with me, running her nails through the hair on my lower belly, scratching across my nipples.
When she had me panting, she moved to my pants, unbuttoning, removing, freeing my erection. I hissed when she stroked the length of my shaft, her fingertips soft and cool. I never, ever tired of her hands on me. Never tired of her body, her mind, her spirit.
I took my time peeling off her barely-there clothes, revealing her skin inch by inch. I reveled in her flesh, teased her nerves; licked, sucked, and caressed until she was hot, bothered, and begging for me to do what I’d wanted since I walked in that door.
I fell on my back, landing on the firm mattress with a thud, pulling her on top of me in one fluid motion. She landed on my hips, straddling me, wet and ready. Her dark hair hung over her shoulder, tickling my chest when she bent to kiss me, her mouth hot, her breath short. She hovered, guiding me inside, taking me in, eyes always expanding in surprise, like she doesn’t expect my size after all this time.
We sunk into a rhythm, her hips rolling—pushing, pulling. I gripped her hips, touched her chest, pulled her down for a kiss. After all this time I knew what to expect, how to anticipate when she was close to the edge. Her breathing grew quick, her nipples tightened, her hips jerked with quick, fast motion. A thin line formed between her closed eyes and her lips parted, my name floating off her tongue.
Then she came, riding me through the waves, and I let her coast, holding back until I knew she was at the tail of her euphoria. I rolled her to her back and unleash the true desire I’d been reining in, teeth bared on her shoulder, cock buried in her body until my mind and my body separate, ecstasy claiming every fiber of my being.
I kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her mouth, and felt the warmth in her reddened cheeks. Heaven laid her head on a pillow, chest heaving, and turned to me. “I may have to get a new outfit all the time if that’s going to be the reaction.”
“Yeah?” I pushed my body closer to her, wanting to be in her space. “Whatever you want, babe, I’m in.”
Her forehead creased quickly, then vanished, like she had a thought she wanted to rid herself of. I tilted my head, waiting to see if she would say it, but she didn’t. Whatever it was vanished as fast as it came. I wrapped my arms around her and she rested her head on my chest.
That was why I took off from work. Why I made this standing appointment. Not for the sex or the orgasms or seeing her fantastic body—but this, the ending, the little period after where we laid close in a quiet house—just the two of us.
4
Heaven
A few weeks later I was standing in Amber’s new house, in her new kitchen, drinking wine out of her new glasses. Cardboard boxes were stacked around the house, marked and labeled, most still unpacked. The move was quick—within days of graduation. Ginger found a job in town working at a physical therapy clinic near the university, and Amber started her full-time job of trying to be a mom.
On the counter in front of us was a list of compatible donors.
“You’re so lucky,” she said, glancing down at the list. “You don’t have to worry about finding the right sperm donor for your kids. You’ve got four perfect guys in your life.”
Her statement surprised me and I fumbled for an appropriate response, but none came, so I drank instead.
“I mean, not only are they all smart, ridiculously good-looking, loyal, kind, and generous, you’ve got two high-level athletes and two hard-working businessmen.” She glanced up from her list where she had made a notation by one of the options. “Sure, on paper this guy is a good fit, but is he an Anderson Thompson? A Hayden Pierce?” She snorts. “Not a chance.”
“Well,” I started, trying to assure her. “It’s not like they’re not without flaws. Anderson hates change and is stubborn as hell. Hayden pushes himself too hard—obviously. Oliver works all the time—he’s obsessed with making his business perfect.”
“And Jackson?”
I laughed, thinking about the handsome, charming, sexy-as-hell Jackson. “Okay, you’ve got me there. I’m not sure he has a flaw.”
“Can someone be too cute and charming?” she asked.
I picked up the list and read down the attributes. Each had a number and then a description, height, weight, education. I was overwhelmed just reading it. I couldn’t imagine having to actually choose so
meone.
“I guess you have other problems, though.”
I frowned. “Me? What kind of problems?”
Amber leaned her elbows on the counter. “Problems like, when you decide to have kids, which guy will be the dad? And will the others be upset? Or will you all have different parenting styles. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t struggled getting on the same page before.” She shrugged and picked up the list. “I’m sure you’ve thought of all that.”
I hadn’t. Not really. My thoughts on not having kids were completely different—more Heaven-related, if anything.
“I guess it’s a good thing it’s not an issue.”
She looked up at me. “Why not?”
I hesitate, as if knowing once I said the words I couldn’t take them back. She noticed and frowned. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“It’s just that…I’m not planning on having kids. Ever.”
Her eyes grew big. “You don’t want kids?”
Want was a tricky word—at least for me. It always had been.
“I like kids. I just don’t think it’s something I want to take on.” Amber still looked concerned. “Look, I’m happy for you guys, really happy, and I can’t wait to be the totally cool aunt for your kid one day, but personally, I’m not interested in bringing a kid into this world—well really, my world.”
“Because of your relationship?”
“Because of a million things, our unconventional relationship being the least of my concerns.”
Amber eyed me skeptically. She knew there was something I wasn’t telling her. “Enlighten me. Really. I want to know.”
I felt that familiar swell of anxiety in my chest when asked something personal. I’d never liked it, but I knew Amber was someone I could trust, so I pushed through. “I’m not sure someone with my history needs to have kids. I still take medication—would I have to stop? Change? Things are going well right now. I don’t want to mess with that.”
“Okay, but—”
I kept going. “The anxiety and depression is bad enough, but the suicide attempt? God, how would I explain that to a kid? And what if they’re the same? What if I pass those issues on to them?”
Her expression turned sympathetic and she reached for my hand. “Heaven, you’re a fantastic, smart, strong woman. Don’t let those fears keep you from something like this.”
“Why not? My fears have always dominated my decision-making. I try not to let it but it’s just who I am.” I felt the sting of tears in the corner of my eyes and stubbornly wiped them away.
“Have you told the guys how you feel?”
I shake my head. “No. I will. If it comes up.”
She sighed and picked up her glass of wine and took a long drink. “It’s your choice, obviously. Not everyone has to have kids any more than any other decision. I just want you to make the right one for you—based on want, not fear.”
“That’s the thing,” I told her. “I’m happy the way things are. We all have amazing jobs, a beautiful home, a new dog—which is almost more responsibility than we can handle. She’s a mess.”
“Just because I’m making this decision right now doesn’t mean you have to also. This baby is something Ginger and I really want. We’re ready. You aren’t there yet, if you ever will be. I respect that.”
And that was why Amber and I were friends. We were different, we’d always been, but we also had each other’s backs.
“I hope you’re religiously taking your birth control pills.”
I made a face. “Obviously. In fact, I just started a new one.” She looked at me imploringly. I shrugged. “I was getting a lot of headaches. I thought they were from the bronchitis but the doctor thought maybe it was the pills. There was no reason not to switch it up.”
“Good. You know that’s one thing I don’t have to stress about; accidental pregnancies. I mean, you can’t get more organized than this.” She pointed to the notebook. “Do you ever get worried?”
“I used to because I was worried about how my parents would handle it—or how it would derail my life, but it’s been years now and it seems really unlikely.”
She laughed. “You guys fuck like bunnies—there’s no way you’re not testing the chances.”
She was right. We did have sex a lot and there were a few scares over the years, but none that lasted more than a day. I was pretty regular. I didn’t say what I really thought. That maybe the gods and fate knew I shouldn’t be a mother in the first place.
“I’m really glad you moved back,” I said, ready to switch the subject.
“Me too, there’s no way I could do this mom thing without you.”
I took the list from her and start going over the names again, trying to look through an objective eye. It was hard, though. Like Amber said, when you have four perfect guys in your life, it was a challenge finding anyone better.
5
Jackson
I aimed the cue ball at the green- and white-striped ball on the left side of the table, lining it up with the stick. Hayden grumbled about how long it was taking, a method I’d perfected years before, knowing it made him nuts. When I was ready I knocked the white ball with just enough force to nail the green striped one into the corner pocket. Hayden groaned and I smiled. I loved playing pool against my friend. There were few games I could beat him at, and pool happened to be one of them.
“Any idea where everyone else is tonight?” he asked, watching me line up my next shot.
“Oliver’s down in Oceanside checking on construction. Anderson’s at some fundraiser his manager made him go to, and I think Heaven went for a run with Sadie.”
“Another run? She went this morning, too.” He followed that up with a laugh because I missed my shot. I waited for him to take his turn.
“The dog has a lot of energy.”
“So does Heaven, but two runs in a day isn’t like her, especially when she just got over bronchitis. I noticed she did it on Monday, too.”
I leaned against my pool stick. “What are you saying? You think her anxiety is increasing?”
He aimed and shot, the balls clacking together. One sunk in. It was a miracle. He smiled at his success. He stopped to coat the tip of his cue with chalk. “Maybe. It’s happened before. Maybe things are stressful at work or she’s nervous about Amber moving back or something.”
“She’s also still on those steroids the doctor gave her. I think they make her jittery.”
“I have noticed one other thing different lately.”
“What’s that?”
I wondered for a second if I should say it out loud. What if it wasn’t the same for Hayden or the others? Was it just me? But we didn’t keep secrets about things like this and if it had something to do with her mindset, I should tell him. “She’s been a little more adventurous and definitely more horny, or something.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah same. With everything being so busy and our schedules we’d settled into once a week or so, but now it’s every few days.” He hit the ball again, this time missing. He swore and said, “Not that I’m complaining.”
I chuckled. “No.”
“But you’re right,” he said, “it’s just another change in her recently. It could be her meds or just hormonal.”
I frowned. “When did you get so good at psychology?”
“I had to after that incident in Atlanta to get back on the field.” He shrugged. “And I wanted to know how to help her the best way—keep an eye out for things.”
Hayden was quiet but thoughtful; I’m not surprised he’d taken a deeper interest in this. Heaven had been doing really well though, so we hadn’t had a reason to worry.
“Let’s just be aware, maybe tell the others.”
He nodded. “Good idea.”
I spun my stick like a baton. “Now stop distracting me so I can kick your ass.”
“Not this time, brother.”
But we both knew that threat was weak and I set up my next shot and blazed my way to a win.
Heaven
Sadie chased the ball into the water, leaping over the cold, frothy waves. Hayden and I paused, waiting for her to find the ball, and when she emerged dripping wet, worn yellow tennis ball in her mouth, we continued our walk.
“She really loves the ocean,” Hayden said, grabbing the ball from her when she caught up. He tugged it from her teeth and threw it down the desolate beach.
“It was a good idea to come here,” I said.
Hayden had cornered me that morning just before I left for my run, and suggested we go to Oceanside and introduce Sadie to the beach. Other than barking at the waves for a few minutes, she’d taken to it instantly.
We strolled down the beach together, fingers linked, shoulders grazing.
“It’s so weird,” I said, scanning the ocean.
“What’s weird?”
“How calming I find the beach, even though it also conjures up some bad memories.”
He released my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, tucking me against his solid body. “That’s the amazing thing about the ocean. It’s in a constant state of renewal. Just like we are.”
I glanced up at him. His hair was cut shorter than he used to wear it and his beard a little longer. His gray eyes still pierced into my soul every time he looked at me. We’d both gone through our struggles with loneliness and desperation, health issues, but now we were whole. At least, I thought so.
“Do you ever worry about your concussions affecting your future? Or like, the beatings your body took while playing goalie coming back to haunt you?”
“I do worry about my brain a little. Sometimes it’s hard to remember things and I get headaches more often. It’s better now that I’m not actively playing, but do I worry about the past coming back? No. Not really.” He gave me a curious look. “Do you?”
“Sometimes.”