© Revolution Studios of North Carolina
© Revolution Studios of North Carolina
© Revolution Studios of North Carolina
There are so many girl things that are impacted by this chair, such as my desire to be a mother. I face a lot of hurdles, such as weaning myself off certain meds. I have to do that gradually to get ready to have a baby, so that’s hard. I am on pain meds that I don’t want to be on when I am pregnant, but my main concern is the medication that keeps my blood pressure up. It constricts the veins, which isn’t good when blood is trying to get to your baby. In the first two months of pregnancy, the veins need to open up even more. I already have low blood pressure, so imagine taking that medicine away. What might happen in those two months when my veins are open even more? It will be a major challenge. It’s not this difficult with most spinal cord injuries. I have added health issues, and therefore I have to find doctors who specialize in my situation. Even though I am struggling with doctors’ bills, I know my family and Chris’s family will not let anything get in the way, because they want us to have this baby. They’ll support us financially as best they can. Ideally, if I had $80,000, I could have someone else carry it. This would be the best option for me, and I so wish I had the finances to do it, but I don’t. And I would never ask a friend to be our carrier. I don’t want anyone to offer out of guilt. It’s not something anyone I know would be interested in, and I would never put them on the spot like that.
I am afraid of getting pregnant: It’s not bad for the baby, but it’s bad for me. I think my lifestyle change will be dramatic. I won’t move for months. I may be in bed for months, because I likely won’t be able to sit up due to my low blood pressure. When I’m lying down my blood pressure is higher. Sometimes I can’t sit up or I’ll feel like I’m going to pass out. It happens to me now. I have that feeling, and then I just take my meds and lie down and wait for them to kick in. Then I’m usually okay. If I’m not on the medication, as long as I’m lying down, I won’t pass out. Still, even though it would be nine months of hell, this is something I really, really want and something Chris wants, too. I’m not willing to give that up just to avoid being bedridden for a few months out of my entire life.
The hurdle right now isn’t the fear of being in bed; it’s the fear of getting off of my medication. I want a baby now. I wanted it yesterday. But I have to get over that mental block and get off the meds. I’ve had an initial conversation with the doctor and I’m on prenatal pills, which I need to take for six months. So we’re prepping. We’re a year away from trying.
I used to want one boy and one girl, but I’ll probably be able to have only one child. I think pregnancy will be hard on my body, so one will be it for me. And that’s okay. Financially, it will likely be out of reach for us to have more than one. Everyone in my family knows how important this is for us, and they’re going to do everything in their power to help us through.
My girlfriends are so excited. They have told me they are ready to be aunts and to help spoil my child. I think they’re not quite ready to be mothers themselves, so this will be fun for them, too. They’ve all expressed a lot of concern over the way in which I’ll have to exist during the pregnancy, the pain and being stationary, but I think that with them around, I’ll get through it. I know they’re excited because they pretty regularly say, “What’s the status of our niece or nephew?”
Lauren comes from a big family and we’ve talked a lot about kids, but she’s just not ready yet to have a baby. I’m thinking I’ll be the first one of our little group. I’m ready to get started. But she will eventually have children, and we both know it will be fun when we can share that experience. I hope our kids are close friends the way she and I are. I hope all of our kids maintain the bond we all have with each other.
It was an exhilarating feeling being pushed by the ocean like that. I felt free and strong as the wave caught me and carried me to shore. I had never surfed before the accident, just bodyboarded. The feeling was similar. But this time, it felt like more of an accomplishment for me.
People ask me all the time if I’m afraid to go swimming or if I’m afraid of pools or the water in general. I get cold so easily now, so the water has to be really warm for me to go in, like the ocean on a hot summer day, or a therapy pool. But afraid? I’m not afraid at all. There’s really nothing to be afraid of. I’m not afraid of what lies ahead for my life. I carry no grudges and no blame. I have no fear or anger toward the pool. It’s not the pool’s fault or the water’s fault or her fault. It’s one of those things that was no one’s fault. I don’t blame the water or the floor of the pool, and I certainly don’t blame her. It’s also pretty clearly not going to happen again. So, despite it all, I still love the water. I grew up by the water.
I can still feel water on my shoulders and my face when I’m submerged, and there’s a space on the inside of my arms where I can feel it, too. Instead of dwelling on what I can’t feel, I concentrate on what I can feel, the places where I do feel the touch of water. It’s not weird to me anymore, the way it was that night in the pool or when I first showered in rehab, where the water was dripping down from a shower but I couldn’t feel it. I’m so aware and appreciative of the little things that I can feel—the water on my neck, or my wet hair. I love the feeling of the water, the ocean, and the sand. I love it all, still.
Surfing was a dream come true for me. Life got harder for me, but my life is not over. Still, I’d rather surf standing up. I have a list of things I dream of doing one day if a cure ever becomes a reality in my lifetime, things I probably took for granted before the accident. Chris once said it was hard to remember back to when we just walked out and got into the car. I’d give anything to do that again. That, and a lot of other things, too. They aren’t extravagant adventures, but everyday things I barely thought about before the accident. I want to do a cartwheel again, throw a football, and play tennis. I want to bodysurf, dance in my husband’s arms, and climb a tree. Someday, I hope to walk my dog, style my own hair, and do sit-ups.
Mostly, I dream that one day when Chris holds my hand, I will be able to hold his right back.
Acknowledgments
Putting it all out there in this book has been both cathartic and challenging. I thank you all for reading my story, here and throughout the years in the news following my accident. So many of you reached out with kindness, without which I would never have gotten through this, so thank you for all of the letters, e-mails, encouragement, and generous donations.
I’d like to thank my agent, Maura Teitelbaum, for believing in my story; my editor, Lara Asher at GPP, for the care she put into weaving it together; and my project editor, Lauren Brancato, for her final manuscript fixes.
Thank you to Stephanie Krikorian for helping me get the words out of my head and onto the page. I appreciate greatly the time and effort you spent on my life story.
From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank my mom, Carol Friedman. Without hesitation, you left your life to help me live mine in the most normal way possible. Thank you for being my best friend. A huge thank you to my dad, Larry Friedman. You’ve always worked your butt off for this family. Thanks for teaching me to be a fighter.
And to Chris’s parents, Susan and Bob Chapman, who have helped us stay afloat in hard times on more than one occasion: You have been a second set of parents to me, and I’m so grateful to have you both as my in-laws.
To my brother, Aaron Friedman: You have been such a big help, and I love you very much.
To Tom Vrnak: You’ve been such a good friend to me and Chris. Thank you for staying with me in the ICU so my mom and Chris could sleep that one night, for being our best man, and for being a night owl like me, so I have someone to talk to when I can’t sleep.
If I haven’t said it enough, to you four girls who shared that night by the pool with me, I love you and will always. You all stuck with me throug
h hard times when many people walked away. The love, support, and loyalty that was always a part of our friendships was solidified on that spring night.
I’d like to thank all of my sponsors and supporters and those organizations that have donated their services, products, and time so that I can live a happier, more independent life. They include BraunAbility, 1-800-Registry, Colours Wheelchair, Van Products, Toyota, George to the Rescue, Lulus.com, Home Builders Association of Raleigh-Wake County, Today, Martha Manning Photography, Erin McLean Events, Morse Entertainment, Made-Up Special Events, New Mobility Resource, PhotoAbility, Crossfit APx, Drive Medical, Ocean Cure, and Walking with Anthony.
Of course, the love of my life, Chris Chapman, we have something so special that no one can ever break. I can’t wait to celebrate My Bucket Got a Hole in It Day year in and year out for the rest of our lives. I’ll continue to rub your back every night before bed as long as you keep calling me your sweetheart.
To my alma mater, East Carolina University, and to the Pirate nation for all of your support, and of course, for being the place at which I met my man. Once a Pirate, always a Pirate.
Reading Group Guide
1.What do you think of the Prologue and the way Rachelle describes the feeling of being stuck? How do you think the analogy of the “pause button” does or does not have relevance in her life after the accident?
2.In the first paragraph of Chapter 1, Rachelle talks about how carefully she and Chris planned out their future. How does this foreshadow the events to come? In what ways do they achieve or not achieve their goals?
3.What do you think of how Rachelle and Chris met? Do you think their initial friendship is what ultimately made their relationship so strong? Is your significant other also your best friend?
4.It can be fun to get all dolled up and find that perfect pair of shoes for a special occasion. On page 9, before her bachelorette party, Rachelle says, “I wanted the perfect white high heels, or else I felt like the entire outfit would be ruined.” Does this statement seem insignificant now? Have you ever had a time in your life when you worried about something somewhat superficial only to later realize how unimportant it was?
5.The night of the accident the girls form a silent pact, an unbreakable bond, among them. Do you have a group of friends that you have this type of powerful bond with? Have you experienced any moments of tragedy in which you have helped one another survive, either physically or emotionally?
6.What are some of the things we take for granted in our day-to-day lives? After Rachelle’s accident she can no longer hold Chris’s hand or do her own hair. Are there ways to feel more gratitude for the seemingly little things in life?
7.In Chapter 8 Rachelle talks about how she wasn’t able to cry and was finding humor in her day-to-day moments. What do you think about others’ expectations of how we should react in moments of challenge or tragedy? Do you find it strange that she didn’t cry or get angry? Do you think it’s interesting that her honest, true reaction was so different from what others assumed it would be? What can you learn from this?
8.In Chapter 9, when Rachelle chronicles her experiences in rehab, she talks about how her friend Carly even learned to insert her catheter. On page 57 she says, “I think we women, as a group, underestimate our power.” Do you agree? Can you share any memories you have of the collective power of women?
9.In Chapter 10, on page 60, Rachelle mentions that many people asked if she and Chris would still be together after the accident; she feels sorry for them because they must not know true love. Do you think their question is a valid one? If you were in a similar situation, would you have to think about it or would it never even cross your mind?
10.Do you believe everything happens for a reason? In Chapter 10 Rachelle talks about this statement and the idea that other people had that positive thinking could lead to her walking again. Do you think this belief is more harmful or helpful to people? Are there times when it’s appropriate and times when it isn’t?
11.In Chapter 12 Rachelle takes her first trip outside of the hospital and visits a park where she has an “able-bodied” history. Can you imagine how that would be difficult? Have you ever been in a situation where you return to a place that is full of memories of another time? Her father makes the profound statement, “It’s actually a really good and important philosophy to make new memories every single day, especially now that you are healing. We shouldn’t live for old ones. We should live for new ones.” What do you think of this? Why is it important? How can you apply it to your own life?
12.In Chapter 13 Rachelle describes having sex with Chris for the first time after the accident. Do you think the intimacy between them has grown? How does Rachelle find other ways to feel connected to Chris? What do you find more important, physical or emotional intimacy?
13.How do you think Rachelle’s competitive spirit helps her to recover from the accident? How does seeing her rehab as a game help her to get through it? How much does attitude have to do with it? She talks about the difference between her father, who never simply let her win, and kids today, who are more coddled in that respect. Do you think that it means more when you have to work for something? Are we doing a disservice to today’s kids by giving them all trophies? Does hard work build resilience in the long run?
14.When Rachelle comes home from rehab, her mother has to move in with her to help care for her. How would you feel if your mother moved in with you? Would it be difficult? How might it change the nature of your bond?
15.What do you think about some of the issues Rachelle now faces, such as parking? Are you surprised by how thoughtless people can be? Are there ways we can change this behavior by enforcing stricter laws and/or higher fines?
16.What do you think of the pact that the five friends made? In today’s world of posting everything on Facebook and Twitter, do you think it shows a strong sense of character that these women were able to keep this important secret? What do you think of the word prank? Was it mean of the media to use such a word? Does the Internet provide a forum where people can more easily hide behind their cruelty?
17.In Chapter 20 Rachelle talks about turning down Oprah and how her concern grew for the friend who had playfully pushed her. She tells the friend not to waste her money paying someone for help because Rachelle will always be there to listen. What do you think of this? Would you have suggested that your friend see a professional therapist?
18.What do you think of Rachelle’s friend Sandra? Do you think it would be hard to be left out of the group that made the pact after the accident, or do you think in some ways she’s lucky she wasn’t there? Were her reaction and behavior immature? Do you think you can have a real friendship with someone who doesn’t make the effort to spend time with you during a challenging time? Have you had any moments in your life where you feel as if you found out who your true friends were?
19.Do you think that Rachelle and Chris’s wedding was more meaningful in some ways because of everything they had been through? Was it a milestone for everyone? Did it provide a sense of closure after such a terrible tragedy?
20.In Chapter 34 Rachelle talks about whether she’d rather bear her friend’s burden or her own. Which do you think would be harder?
21.What do you think of the water imagery in the Epilogue? Are you surprised that Rachelle still has no fear of the water and in fact loves it? Are you impressed by her courage to try surfing?
22.What do you think of Rachelle’s comments in the Epilogue about how women are always judging themselves and picking themselves apart? Do you find yourself doing that, too? After reading her story, can you better accept your physical appearance and appreciate all that your body can do for you?
About the Author
Rachelle Friedman, once a program assistant at a seniors activity center who taught aerobics and line dancing in North Carolina, is still recovering
from an accident on the night of her bachelorette party that left her paralyzed from the chest down. She spends her time as an advocate for others with spinal cord injuries and is hoping to pursue a new career one day soon. She makes daily efforts through speaking engagements and social media to inspire people with her optimism and her bright and vibrant spirit. Rachelle grew up loving the ocean, cheerleading in high school, and playing sports. Although she tackles physical activities a little differently now, Rachelle still surfs, plays rugby on an otherwise all-male team, and loves the outdoors. She recently learned to drive on her own and is working at perfecting her skills on the road. Rachelle has appeared on most major news outlets in the United States and has been and is still being written about in thousands of publications worldwide. Rachelle graduated from East Carolina University, majoring in sports recreation. She and her husband, Chris Chapman, live in Knightdale, North Carolina, with their two dogs. Visit her at rachellefriedman.com.
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