Oh, dat wuz a fat horse. I seen one so poor until de man drove him up in town in front o’ de post office, an’ got ’im uh letter and went round one side of de horse to read it in secret, looked roun’—twuz uh man on de other side de horse readin’ de letter fast as he wuz.
—JULIUS HENRY.
I seen a horse so poor the man had to squat down to see if he wuz moving.
—JOE WILEY.
I seen a horse so poor you could wash clothes on his ribs and hang ’em up on his hips to dry.
—F. BRADLEY.
I seen a mule so poor they had to feed him on muddy water to keep from seeing through him.
—RUSSELL SINGER.
I saw a horse so poor they had to tie a knot in his tail to keep him from slipping through his collar.
—CLIFTON GREEN.
Wonce (once) there was a hen. She cakel (cackled) so much that she give the rooster the blues.
—WILL HOWARD.
Whut is the biggest chickens you ever saw? My father had some chickens so big you couldn’t feed ’em on earth. You had tuh shoot their food up to ’em wid uh britch-loader (breechloading gun).
—JAMES PRESLEY.
“What’s the best trained mule you ever seen?”
“I seen one so sensible he would carry letters, you didn’t have to tell him where—he’d read de address and deliver it to de right place.
“I seen a mule could sit down and write letters to another mule and ast him how much corn he got.”
“My paw had a mule working upon a fifty-story building and mule hauled off and fell off and got nearly to de ground. I said ‘whoa’ and he stopped right dere in de air and stood right there till somebody come rescued him.”
—N. A. JAMES.
The Biggest Pumpkin†
Dis pumpkin wuz raised off of mosquito dust. My father went out in de woods tuh cut some timber, him and two three mo’, an’ uh rain come up. So dey went up under uh oak tree tuh keep out de rain.
It wuz uh great big ole tree. So big dat it took five or six men tuh reach round it. Well, my father wuz leaning up sidder de tree and uh big ole mosquito come upon de other side uv dat tree an’ bored right through dat tree intuh my father’s back an’ got blood.
Dat made my father mad, so he bradded dat mosquito’s bill right tuh de tree. By dat time, it had done stopped raining, so dey all went home.
De next day dey went tuh de woods and dat mosquito had clean up ten acres, dying. Dey went on home again, and about uh week after dat, my father went tuh de tree again an’ he got enuff bones frum dat skeeter tuh fence in dat ten acres. An’ dere wuz enuff dust frum dat skeeter tuh furtelize it.
So my father planted pumpkins de first year. He raised one pumpkin so big till he never could tell how high it wuz, an’ we never did find how big around it wuz; even though we sent telegrams all round de world, nobody never did see de edge of dat pumpkin.
’Bout dat time my father lost uh fine brood sow wid leben pigs, an’ we searched all over Florida and Georgie, and Alabama, an’ everywhere, but we never could find her, till one day my father tole us boys tuh hitch up de double wagons and go haul one uv dem seeds to plant de nex’ year.
When we dropped dat seed offen de wagon it bust and dere wuz dat sow an’ two mo’ broods, and everyone uh her pigs had pigs in dere.
—JULIUS HENRY.
My daddy raised a punkin so big we wuz six years building a shed over it. One day I dropped my hammer down in it and went down to look and I looked for two days. Then I went to a man and he ask me whut I wuz doing in dere and I tole him, and he said I might as well go back because he had been hunting for a mule and wagon for four days in dere and hadn’t got no trace of ’em yet.
—N. A. JAMES.
My grandfather said that when he was a farmer he raised sugar cane so large that he would have to get an axe to cut it down; and that his watermelons would be so large until he would have to get a saw to saw the rind in two; and a pumpkin so large that Uncle Sam bought it to have the United States training camp in.
—JERRY BENNETT.
My father wuz a farmer and de most he raised wuz watermelons. He raised one so large he had to build a railroad down through de patch to load it on flatcars. When they got it loaded they sent it to Mississippi where it wuz awful dry. In unloading de melon out there it burst and the juice out of it caused the river to flood and drown all ’em people you read about.
—WILL HOUSE.
Whut’s de biggest apple you ever seen? My pa raised a apple so big till they was shipping it out west and it fell in de Mississippi River, and it run cider for six months.
—JERRY BENNETT.
The Biggest Cabbage†
Whut is de biggest cabbage you ever saw? Ah seed one so big that it took de southern train twelve years tuh run round it. My papa growed dat cabbage.
Yes, an’ my daddy built uh pot tuh hold dat lyin’ cabbage yo’ paw raised.
—NORA LEE AND LARKINS WHITE.
My daddy raised uh sweet potato so big they had to make a sawmill job out of it, an’ all de houses was made outa tater slabs an’ whut you reckon they did wid all dat sawdust? Made tater puddin’.
—JAMES PRESLEY.
The Biggest Tree†
Dis William M. Richardson spreading his mess.
Whut’s de biggest tree you’ve ever seen? Tell you ’bout one I saw. My ole man went out to clear some ground, and they wuz a tree out dere so big dat him and fo’ mo’ men wuz cutting on it uh week and hadn’t got thew de bark; so he stopped chopping to rest a spell, and he went round to de other side and found ten men round dere been choppin’ fuh six months and wuzn’t half thew yet.
My other brother wuz a carpenter, and one day he went out in de woods and chopped down uh tree an’ sawed it intuh timber and hauled it and built uh hundred story building, an’ de man had done furnished it, and wuz suing some uh de people for back rent befo’ de tree hit de ground.
—SODDY SEWELL.
In the year eighteen hundred my great-grandpa bought some land. And the land had a big tree on it. And my great-grandpa paid two men to saw the tree down. Before he died he gave it to my grandpa and the men was still a-sawing on the tree. Before grandpa died he give the land to my pa and the men was still a-sawing on the tree, and I got a letter today saying that the tree just fell.
—CLIFFERT ULMER.
Rich Ground†
I have ground so rich until one day my father’s mule died and he buried him out in the field. The next morning, guess what happened? The mule had sprouted little jackasses.
—JOE WILEY.
We wuz plantin’ us crops very late dis year. Everybody had they stuff, but we wuz planting a mighty rich piece of ground. So he wuz a-dropping de corn and I wuz coming behind covering it, and by time we made one round a stalk de corn wuz coming up. I put my brother on it to hold it down. So de next day he drops me back a note, says: “Don’t worry ’bout me cause I passed through heben yesterday at twelve o’clock selling roasting ears.”
—LONNIE BARNES.
I seen ground so rich till dey plant corn on it and in a week’s time, it done come up and have roasten ears on it. Roasten ears step down off de stalk and go tuh de mule lot and ketch de mules and hitch ’im up tuh de plow and lay by their ownself.
—CHRISTOPHER JENKINS.
This is T. Williams strowin’ it.
Another time my ole man walked cross his farm wid uh cucumber seed in his pocket, and de land wuz so rich dat de air blowing over it sprouted dat seed in his pocket, and befo’ he could git back in de house he had ripe cucumbers hangin’ off ’im.
This is T. Williams strowin’ it.
My father had a farm an’ uh man give ’im uh grain uh corn tuh plant an’ he took it an’ planted it at de end of uh row, den he stuck uh stick dere fuh uh marker. Dat land wuz so rich dat nex’ mornin’ when he went out tuh look over de place, it wuz uh stalk uh corn wid ten ears on it an’ three ears had done growed on de stick.
�
�T. WILLIAMS.
My daddy had some land an’ it wuz so rich that one time he planted watermelons an’ de vines growed so fast till they drug out de little melons.
—FLOYD THOMAS.
Down on Mississippi River I and my wife going fishing and it’s a awful rich place on de river side. While fishing on one side, looking crost at de other, seen some good places to fish. But being there no way to get across, jes’ thought of a seed I had in my pocket; so I dropped it into the rich soil and, going back after muh hooks jes’ a few steps up de river, left my wife standing there where I dropped the seeds. When I got back to her, the seeds had come up and grown clear crost de Mississippi River and she had walked across de vine. When I got over dere on it too, she wuz over dere in de punkin on de vine; inside, lying down looking up de neck thinking about a sweet punkin tree.
—LONNIE BARNES.
The Poorest Ground
Ole Mitchell Field was de poorest land I ever seed. Dey bought uh lot on it tuh build a church. Built uh church, select de pastor, an’ deacons, de members all together had to phone back to Jacksonville for ten sacks Commercinal to fertilize de ground befo’ de could raise a hymn on it.—That’s all.
—R. T. WILLIAMS.
I know an old colored man that had a plantation so poor it taken nine partridges to holler “bob white”.
—JOE WILEY.
I seen a land so poor till dey had tuh put soda on people breast when dey bury dem so dey could rise in judgment.
—FLOYD THOMAS.
I saw a country so hilly till the squirrel had to put on britches to keep from breaking they neck.
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
I saw a country so hilly till they had to shoot the corn into the hillside with a britch loader.
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
Hard Ground†
My daddy had a field where de ground wuz so hard dat one day he planted some peas, and a week later he went dere tuh see if de peas wuz growin’, but he didn’t see no peas; he went de next week, still no peas; and still no peas de third week; so de fourth week he went again and still he see no peas. But while he wuz standing looking around he heard something making a noise and he looked down, and it wuz de peas grunting, trying to git out of de hard ground.
—FLOYD THOMAS.
Hard Wind†
Seen de wind blow so hard whilst travelin along it blowed de crooked road straight and blowed a wash-pot wrong side outwards.
—WILL HOUSE.
One day de wind blowed so hard, till it blowed de sun four hours late.
—N. A. JAMES.
Another time it blowed so hard till it blowed South up North and had de North way down in Dixie.
—N. A. JAMES.
Another time it blowed so hard till a man had de catarrh and hadn’t blowed his nose in fifteen years and it blowed his nose.
—N. A. JAMES.
What is the hardest wind you ever seen? I seen wind so hard till it blowed a man’s nose off his face and onto the back of his neck and every time he sneeze, blow his hat off.
—N. A. JAMES.
One day on de West Coast sich uh hard wind come up dat it blowed uh wash-pot wrong side out, an’ scattered de days uh de week so bad till Sunday didn’t come till late Tuesday evening.
—CHARLIE JONES.
I seen it rain so hard a barrel settin’ in de yard wid no head in it swell up and burst.
—LONNIE BARNES.
I seen it rain so hard till a buzzard wuz up in de air flying and his shadder wuz on de ground barking.
—CATHERINE HARDY.
I seen it so dry the fish came swimming up the road in dust.
—LONNIE BARNES.
De Darkest Night†
My daddy had a forty-five high-powered rifle. I heard a rumblin’ in de woodpile. Stepped tuh de do’, shot out. I heard somethin’ zooning aroun’ de house all night. Got up real soon de nex’ mornin’ tuh see whut it wuz. Jes as day began tuh break, I seen whut it wuz. It wuz de bullet goin’ roun’ de house waitin’ fur day tuh see which way tuh go.
—R. T. WILLIAMS.
The Hottest Day†
I seen it so hot dat de li’dwood knots wuz crawling off in de shade.
I seen it so hot till you had to feed the hens cracked ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
—RICHARD EDWARDS.
Whut’s de hottest day you ever seen? I seen uh day so hot dat when de train from Miami pulled intuh Tampa, two blue serge suits got off de train. De men whut wuz in ’em had done melted an’ run out.
—W. M. RICHARDSON.
It wuz so hot once uh cake of ice walked away from de ice house and went down de street and fainted.
—RAYMOND MCGILL.
The Coldest Day†
I seen it so cold till de fire wuz goin’ somewhere to git warm.
I seen it so cold till dey had to build a fire under de cow to warm de tits.
The coldest I ever seen it, while being the age of twenty-four I saw de moon toting a light for de sun to keep it warm and show it de way to go home.
—WILL HOUSE.
Hey, boy, how cold have you know it to get?
Big boy *, I have known it to get so cold that you would have to carry a bucket along so when some one talked to you, you would have to put the words in the bucket and carry them home and put the bucket on the stove and let the words melt.
That wasn’t cold at all. I have known it to be so cold that the fire in hell would freeze and the sun froze so hard that the ice just melted today.
—EDWARD MORRIS.
Once it wuz so cold dat when people talked, de conversation froze up. My brother wuz down to de jook and dey wuz all skinnin’ an cussin’, an’ damnin’, but de words all froze up and fell tuh de floor lak hail.
My brother got ’im uh crocus sack and gathered up all dem frozen words and took ’em home and poured ’em out in front of de fire, an’ when they commenced tuh thaw out, his wife up and left ’im.
—ROBERT WILLIAMS.
What is the biggest gate that you have seen? I have seen a gate so big that it took a train six days to pass, and the train was running a hundred sixty miles an hour.
—JOE WILEY.
The Blacksmith
My brother wuz uh blacksmith. An’ one day he saw uh horse runnin’ away. He wuz comin’ straight towards my brother’s blacksmith shop at de rate uv ninety-thousand miles uh hour, and my brother measured him and heated some iron and made uh shoe and put in on dat horse fo’ he could pass de do’.
—SODDY SEWELL.
My father made a boiler so big dat when he dropped his hammer, de handle had done rotted out befo’ it hit de bottom.
—SODDY SEWELL.
Ah wuz passin’ long uh fence an’Ah heered uh turrible racket in uh fence corner an’ whut you reckon it wuz? It wuz uh seed-tick down dere wid uh splinter in his toe an’ uh red-bug wuz pickin’ it out wid uh fence-rail.
—LARKINS WHITE.
Whut is de workenest pill you ever seen? I’m gwinter tell you whut kind of a pill it wuz and how much it did work. It wuz an ole man one time an’ he had rheumatism so bad de po’ boy didn’t know whut to do. I tole ’im to go tuh town and git some uh dem conthartic pills. As he wuz coming on back, he come through new ground where dey wuz clearin’ up land. He opened his box and went to lookin’ at his pills. He dropped one of dem down dere in his field. He got to de house and say, “Ole lady, look down yonder whut a big smoke,” say, “whut is dat?”
She said, “I don’t know.”
“Well,” he said, he guess he’d walk down dere and see what dat big smoke is down dere. He come back and says, “Guess whut it is? One of dem conthartic pills done worked all dem roots out de ground an’ got ’em burning.”
—JAMES BROWN.
Talking about fishing—I went to fishing the other day and set out my line. The water was very high; so that night the water fell and left two of my hooks and bait out of the water. And when I got there the next morning, a catfish ha
d jumped up at the bait until he was washed down in sweat.
—JOE WILEY.
Once John D. Rockefeller and Henry Ford was woofing * at each other. Rockefeller told Henry Ford he could build a solid gold road around the world. Henry Ford told him if he would he would look at it and see if he liked it, and if he did he would buy it and put one of his tin lizzies on it.
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
My daddy went fishing one day and caught so many fish that he could not carry them home. And he was so bad that he called a alligator out of the water and made him carry him and those fish home. When he got home he told the alligator: “Now, rascal, you can go back.”
—LOUIS ROBINSON.
My brother was so swift that the governor got him to work for the United States. And his job was sitting on the front of a train and turning the switch while the train was running.
Once we wuz on a train with some more boy friends and they got to talking about how fast the train wuz running which we didn’t think it wuz running very fast; so I poked my head out de window to see how fast it wuz running and the steam from the locomotive wuz milking cows five miles from the railroad.
Every Tongue Got to Confess: Negro Folk-Tales From the Gulf States Page 12