Saying Goodbye, Part One (Passports and Promises Book 1)

by Abigail Drake

  I put my arm around her shoulders. The formal was the Theta event of the year. Bethany had already asked Max’s roommate, Greg. They were old friends from high school. I’d planned to ask Dylan, but hadn’t gotten around to it yet. That might have been a good thing. Thetas and Sigs often went to formals together, and there was a strong chance someone had already asked Zach McGaffrey.

  “We don’t have to go this year. We can do something else instead,” I said, giving Bethany a long look.

  She sank onto the couch next to us. “It’s going to be boring. And stupid. I agree with Sam. We should just stay home.”

  “No way.” Gabriela shook her head. “I’m not going to let what that jerk did keep me from my own formal. I just don’t know who to ask.”

  Bethany chewed on her lip. “How about Max?”

  Gabriela’s entire face lit up. “That would be perfect, since you’re going with Greg. Do you think he’d go with me? Is that weird for you, Sam?”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I didn’t think it would be a good idea. She looked so hopeful.

  “Not at all. It’ll be a blast.”

  On the way home, I pulled out my cell phone and gave Max a call. The sun hung low in the sky and dry leaves crunched under my feet. October was only a few days away. I looked forward to pumpkins and spiced lattes and dressing up for Halloween. My birthday was October thirteenth. I didn’t believe in unlucky numbers, but I did believe in lucky ones, and thirteen had always been very lucky for me. This year it would fall on a Friday, which made it extra special.

  I liked the darkness and superstition surrounding Friday the thirteenth. As an extra bonus, this year there would be a full moon that night, which made me even happier. Bethany always told me I was weirder than I looked. I had to admit she might be right.

  “Yo, Samantha.”

  Max’s voice boomed over my phone as music played in the background. Pink Floyd, which meant Max was getting high. He turned down the volume a little before he spoke again.

  “What’s up, hotness?”

  “Hey, Max. I have a favor to ask you.”

  “Sure. Anything.”

  I took a deep breath. “Gabriela is going to ask you to the Theta formal. Can you go with her?”

  There was a long pause. I heard a low hissing sound and knew he was taking a hit on his bong. “You want me to go with Gabriela?”

  “Yes, please. After what happened…she needs someone she can trust.”

  “And how do you feel about me dating your friends, Sam?”

  “How do you feel about me dating yours?”

  He laughed. “Touché. Do you honestly want me to answer that question?”

  “No.” I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. We’ll find someone else to take her.”

  “Whoa. Hold on. I didn’t say I wouldn’t go with her. I just wanted to know how you’d feel about it.”

  I kicked at a pile of leaves with my foot. “The truth is that I don’t like it, and that pisses me off because I have no right to even feel that way.”

  “At least we’re on the same page.” I heard the smile in his voice. “Is this going to be like a double date?”

  “A triple date. Bethany is going with Greg.”

  Max choked on something and started coughing. It took a few minutes before he could finally talk again. “Does Bethany realize Greg is gay?”

  I laughed. “Everyone knows he’s gay, Max.”

  “Are you serious? Why am I the last to know? He just came out to me yesterday.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Well, my first reaction was to say, ‘You saw me naked.’ I’m not sure if that was very politically correct or not.”

  “Probably not,” I said with a giggle. The fact Max lived with Greg for over a year and never caught on was sort of hilarious.

  “What happened next?”

  “Greg said obviously he’d never found me even remotely attractive. It kind of hurt my feelings. It’s cool now. I guess.”

  “Are you honestly hurt because your gay roommate didn’t hit on you?”

  “Well, when you say it like that…” I heard him laugh softly under his breath. “Not that I want Greg to be into me, but I was a little offended.”

  “You’re ridiculous.” I sat down on a bench, happy to have a chance to chat with Max. He always made me laugh.

  “It’s one of my many charms. How are things with you, Sam? You sound a little sad.”

  “I talked to Dylan,” I said softly, “about why he wasn’t here last year.”

  Max sighed. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t think it was my place.”

  “I know. You made the right decision.”

  “Is everything cool, Sam?”

  I thought about it before I answered. “Yes. There are still some things we need to iron out, but it’s going pretty well. We seem…compatible.”

  “Ew.”

  “What?”

  “I just pictured the two of you having sex. I need to hang up now.”

  I winced. Sometimes when I spoke with Max, I forgot he wasn’t one of my girlfriends.

  “Sorry. And thanks again about Gabriela.”

  “Anything for you, Sam. I’ve told you that before.”

  I held my phone against my cheek, not wanting to hang up. “We have unresolved issues, Max.”

  “Yes, we do.”

  “But I don’t want to hurt Dylan.”

  “Neither do I.”

  I nodded, even though Max couldn’t see me. “Good. I’m glad we talked about this.”

  Max laughed. “I’m not. I’m still picturing you having sex with Dylan. Yuck. I think I’m emotionally scarred.”

  “Goodbye, Max.”

  “Goodbye, Sam.”

  I hung up my phone, and less than twenty minutes later, I got a text from Gabriela.

  Max just called to check on me. I asked him to the formal, and he said he would go! Nicest guy EVER.

  I sent her a smiling emoticon and shoved my phone into the pocket of my sweater. Max was the nicest guy ever. I just didn’t know why I’d never noticed it before.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  My birthday came quickly, just as the weather turned cool, making me shiver in spite of the bright fall sun. Dylan had spent a solid week trying to convince me I should come to the Sig house for a party the night of my birthday, but I refused. Gabriela wasn’t ready for the Sig house yet, and I wanted to spend my birthday with Gabriela. Instead, we planned to go bar hopping, sort of a traditional event. Dylan continued to pout.

  “Does this mean we can never go to a party at my frat again?”

  He’d taken me out to lunch at the Bistro. I’d just consumed a giant burger with fries, and now worked on a cherry chocolate milkshake. I put down my shake and stared at him.

  “We talked about this. I promised to spend my birthday with my friends. If Gabriela can’t go, I won’t go either.”

  He scowled, his dark eyebrows drawing together as he played with a packet of sugar. He barely touched his food. I reached for his hand.

  “Maybe you could meet up with us later, after you go to the house. Gabriela and Bethany wanted to have some girl time, but I know they wouldn’t mind.”

  His scowl lifted a tiny bit. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course. My friends like you. You’ve just been monopolizing me lately. I need some time alone with them, too.”

  He knew I was right. We’d spent just about every waking moment together, and a lot of our sleeping ones, too. I now kept a hairbrush and other necessities at his apartment. We stayed in my room, too, but Dylan’s place had a little more privacy and felt miles more grown-up than my pink sorority palace.

  Dylan’s gloom hadn’t dissipated completely, but he looked somewhat appeased. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a package. My hand automatically went to the silver chain and medallion around my neck. This was another box from the same jeweler.

  “What is it?”

  “A
gift.” He gave me a crooked smile, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Happy Birthday.”

  The box sat on the table in front of me. “You shouldn’t have.”

  He shrugged. “You don’t even know what it is yet.”

  I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “But you’re mad at me right now.”

  He leaned forward, pushing the box closer to me. “I’m being jealous. I wanted to spend tonight with you, and although I understand, I’m still…hurt. Not mad. Hurt. It might not make sense, but there it is.”

  “You shouldn’t give me gifts if we’re in the middle of a fight.”

  “Is this a fight?”

  I chewed on my lower lip, feeling teary and very unworthy. “It feels like it.”

  He cursed under this breath and got out of his seat to sit next to me in the booth. “I’m sorry, babe. You know how much I love you. I’m being an idiot. I don’t want to make you sad on your birthday.”

  I snuggled into his warmth, putting my face into the curve of his neck and breathing him in. He always smelled so good. So right. But maybe not right for me. I scrunched up my face, trying hard not to cry, but a few tears trickled down my cheeks anyway. Dylan pulled back and looked at me in surprise.

  “Are you crying?”

  I brushed the tears away. “I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry. I just feel bad about tonight. It’s not like I don’t want to be with you…”

  “I’m the one who needs to apologize. I was being a total jerk. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He ran an irritated hand through his dark hair. “Don’t be sad. Please open your gift.”

  I reached for the box, no joy in it at all. Usually, I was thrilled to give and receive gifts. Now, I just felt guilty. The idea of having a “girls’ night” had been mine, not my friends. I wanted to spend time with them, but, even more, I wanted to spend time away from Dylan. I only agreed to meet up with him later to make him happy, not because I really wanted to see him. As much as I liked him, he entrenched himself into my life so deeply it seemed I had no space of my own anymore.

  When I saw the earrings inside, I felt even worse. They were gorgeous, a spray of diamonds that looked like shooting stars. I made all the appropriate noises, and he seemed pleased with my reaction, but inside I was numb. I kissed him, trying to apologize for all the things I couldn’t say and couldn’t feel. When he kissed me back, I clung to him, wanting to hold on but knowing, eventually, I would have to let go. He deserved better, and I knew it.

  He was quiet as we walked back to the Theta house. Perhaps he sensed things weren’t as they appeared. I hadn’t told him I loved him again since the single time I slipped. I just couldn’t seem to say those three simple words. I suspected he was beginning to catch on.

  He brushed my hair back, admiring the diamonds twinkling in my ears. “They suit you,” he said softly. “Shooting stars. Lighting up the night sky with their beauty. Unexpected and magical. But before you know it they’re gone.”

  My heart clenched at his words. He seemed to possess the ability to read my mind sometimes, to the point it actually frightened me. I decided just to brush it off. I gave him a playful punch in the arm.

  “You’re quite the poet, Mr. Hunter.”

  He grinned, but it did nothing to erase the sadness lurking behind his eyes. I lifted onto my tiptoes, whispering in his ear, wanting to make things better, if only for the moment.

  “I might be going out with my friends tonight, but I’ll go home with you. Remember that.”

  Apparently, the promise of sex was all it took to snap him out of his mood. It was a tool, and I utilized it. He gave me a slow, naughty smile and kissed me until I forgot we’d been arguing and could only think about getting him naked. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who could be swayed by the idea of ending up in bed together, but I still knew I’d been manipulated into meeting up with him later.

  “Until tonight then, Miss Barnes.”

  “Until tonight.”

  I had an appointment with my study abroad advisor, Dr. Tanaka, after lunch. Her office, located on the top floor of one of the tallest buildings on campus, offered beautiful views of the entire town. I saw my favorite potential Theta, Emma, walking out of her office as I got off the elevator. I grinned at her.

  “Hi, Emma.”

  She gave me a hug. “Hey, Sam. I just met with Dr. Tanaka. Guess who is going to Ritsumeikan in the fall?”

  “Good for you. We’ll have to meet up over the summer so I can fill you in on what it’s like.”

  “That would be great.”

  I waved goodbye as she got onto the elevator. I had a feeling she was going to ask me to be her Big Sis, and I loved the idea.

  I knocked on Dr. Tanaka’s door, room number three. Oddly, there was no room number four. It skipped straight to five. I looked around several times to be sure, but I was right. Room number four didn’t exist.

  She opened her door and saw me staring around the hallway. “Hi, Sam. What is it?” she asked as she ushered me into her office.

  “There is no room number four. I just realized it.”

  She looked up at me with a smile; tiny glasses perched on her nose. A little older than my mom, Dr. Tanaka had been in the States a very long time. Her English was flawless.

  “Of course not. The number four is very unlucky in Japan. You know how to say four, right?”

  I nodded. “Shi.”

  “Yes. That’s right. And how do you say death?”

  A cold, strange shiver ran over my body. “Shinderu.”

  “Shi for four, shi for death. Even though they are two different kanji, it sounds the same. Four means death to us. That’s why many buildings in Japan don’t have a fourth floor. The number four is very bad.”

  “Kind of like our number thirteen?”

  “Even worse, I think. It’s not like number thirteen is called the ‘death number,’ right?” She giggled and shuffled through the papers on her desk. “Well, it looks like everything is in order here, Samantha. I should have your room assignment for Ritsumeikan Daigaku in a few weeks. Are you getting excited?”

  “I can’t wait.”

  She studied me over her glasses, and I thought perhaps she heard something in my voice I hadn’t realized was even there. “I’ve made special accommodations for one of your professors to administer the test for the Translation Studies Program while you’re in Japan. Your grades are perfect, as is your performance on the oral test. You know you need to focus on learning more kanji, but try to enjoy your time there. Sometimes, we must go far away to find ourselves.”

  I didn’t think I was lost, but nodded anyway. She handed me a thick folder.

  “The semester begins right after the New Year holiday. All your flight information is enclosed in your packet. You’ll meet up with students from all over the world. After staying in Tokyo for two days and having an orientation there, you will take the bullet train to Kyoto.”

  “The Shinkansen,” I said softly.

  “Yes. When I was a girl, it took a very long time to get from Tokyo to Kyoto. With the Shinkansen, it only takes a few short hours. Japan is a small country, and very different from what you’re used to here. I’ll be in touch soon about your room assignment.”

  “Thank you.”

  I stood up to leave, but she stopped me. “Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. This is your first time abroad, isn’t it?”

  I nodded. Other than trips to Florida with my family, I hadn’t travelled at all.

  Dr. Tanaka took my hand. She was so tiny she barely came up to my shoulder, and her hand felt very small and delicate in mine. “Buddha said, ‘The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.’ It’s time for you to take that step, Samantha. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and one I know you will not squander.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Tanaka. For everything.”

  She waved away my words and went back to her desk. Because of her, I’d gotten a scholarship covering most of the additional expense
s for the semester. She’d also been the driving force in helping me prepare my application for the Translation Studies Program. I turned to her, my hand on the doorknob.

  “Is there anything I can bring you from Japan?”

  She smiled at me over her glasses. “Do you know what an omiyage is?”

  I nodded. “A gift.”

  She looked very pleased. “The only thing I desire is your safe return. But if you can bring me a few bean paste sweets; that would be lovely, too. I do miss omangu.”

  I grinned. “Omangu it is.”

  I felt miles better after my meeting with Dr. Tanaka. When my mom called a few minutes later to wish me a happy birthday, I bubbled over with news and excitement about my trip.

  “That’s wonderful, sweetie, and we can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

  My parents were coming up to spend the whole day with me. We planned to go shopping and out to dinner. I couldn’t wait. Sophie would come, too, and I missed my little sister desperately.

  “What time will you be here?”

  “Just after lunch,” she said. “I’ve got your cake in the oven right now.”

  I closed my eyes, suddenly and inexplicably homesick. I could almost smell the chocolate cake baking and see my mom in her tidy little kitchen stirring a decadent chocolate frosting.

  “I can’t wait.”

  I went to Bethany and Gabriela’s apartment so we could hang out and get ready together. They ordered pizza and stuck twenty candles in it. Then they turned off the lights and sang to me. I smiled as I closed my eyes and made my wish, and then I blew out each and every candle.

  Gabriela flicked on the light. “What did you wish for?”

  I shook my head. “You know I can’t tell you.”

  “I’m sure it has to do with Dylan,” said Bethany in a singsong voice. “She wants him to looooooove her.”

  I cringed. I hadn’t told them about my feelings for Dylan or his for me. She was right, though. My wish was about Dylan, but it wasn’t what she thought.

  I didn’t wish for him to love me. I wished I could love him.

  Gabriela laughed at the look on my face. “I think you nailed it, Bethany.”

  “Shut up and give me some pizza,” I said. “And you guys almost set off the smoke detectors with all those candles.”