by Reina Torres
For some of them, it had made all the difference, giving them a new outlook on life. A new direction.
Andrew had been one of those men. Music was fun and music entertained, but he harbored no illusions that someone would pay him to play music.
His gift was instinctive. It wasn’t something he could give to someone else, nor was it something he could teach. He could share his talent with others, just to entertain.
Still, the staff at the school had found him a teacher who showed him how to read music. Showed him how to tell how the black ink on the paper translated to his fingers on a string or how to read the rhythms to understand how a piece of music was meant to be heard instead of having to trust his instincts or his ear.
And he could sing. Nothing like Dollie Owens or Rosemary could. He doubted that he could make another applaud or cheer for more or weep from the emotions stirred by his voice.
And that was why he was loitering in the hallway hoping to catch sight of Rosemary.
He was conflicted in a way that he’d never had to face before. When he had been taken as a child, he worried about surviving. When he had been set free, his worries focused on finding a job, a way to put a roof over his head and food to keep him from going hungry.
And then at the school, he had to worry about succeeding. He had a chance to learn skills to shape the rest of his life and he didn’t want to fail.
But now, knowing that he was endangering his job, he had a new worry. If he was fired, how would he care for Rosemary?
Who would hire a man who lost the first paying job that he’d ever had?
He wouldn’t be able to count on a letter of reference from the captain.
What would that mean for Rosemary?
Here she had a room of her own. She had meals provided for her. She had clothes. And she had her wages to save for the future.
What could he offer her but an uncertain future and the real consequence of losing the only family she had ever known?
It would be confusing for her, he knew, and painful. The captain hadn’t had an inkling of his affections until Andrew had told him, but surely there were those aboard the Siren who were close to Rosemary, and close to himself, that could see the way he looked at her. In that way, he hadn’t done such a good job of hiding his regard.
The people working aboard the Siren has eyes enough and brains to go with them.
So the only action he could take was not to take any at all. Leave things the way they were and avoid crossing the line that would hurt Rosemary even more.
He hadn’t made her an offer for her hand, but he was sure she’d read the interest in his eyes and felt the warmth and regard he had for her. And still he wasn’t sure if he could hide it moving forward.
Just because he wasn’t allowed to court her didn’t mean he stopped feeling a connection to her. It didn’t mean that he could hide the wild beating of his heart when she was near.
Perhaps if his skill had been one for the stage he might have been able to hide his feelings behind a mask and spare them both pain.
So he would have to do what needed to be done.
To sever the link between them and keep his heart hidden away deep under his skin, he had to close the door on a future with Rosemary.
It needed to be done.
A click echoed in the nearly deserted hallway and he looked up in time to see Rosemary walking out of the practice room with a warm smile on her lips.
It was a joy to see her happy.
And yet, as he opened his mouth to speak to her, he stopped.
Unsure of how to proceed and hoping that she might miss him standing there all together he stood still and prayed that he might disappear into the shadows along the wall.
And wasn’t surprised to have his luck trampled under his feet.
“An-“ she caught herself, going silent even as he wished to hear her say his name, and gladly settled for the alternative. “Mister Brooks.”
He saw Edmund standing behind her and there was no way to miss the intent look on the man’s face.
“Edmund. Miss Tillman. If you will both excuse me, I should go.”
He couldn’t look at her anymore. Couldn’t tempt himself to forget what the captain had said, the warnings he’d imparted. He was doing the right thing for Rosemary. He repeated those thoughts over and over as he walked away from her.
He’d seen the stark look on her face and knew that she must be confused by his actions. He wanted to go back and tell her that it was his own faults that were keeping him away, but he was afraid that if he came close enough to touch her, he’d forget his best intentions and take her in his arms. Maybe he’d never let her go.
He kept walking, because his own selfish desire to have her in his life wasn’t what she needed. Wasn’t what she deserved.
And the loss was going to tear him up inside, but it was worth it to protect her.
Chapter Eight
When Rosemary joined Dollie for a late evening practice several days later, she knew that her heart wasn’t in it. Thankfully, it seemed that Dollie understood and didn’t push the issue beyond a kind question and a gentle touch on her shoulder.
Dollie’s suggestion that they sing through two songs just for fun took even more weight off of her shoulders. She needed the freedom of it. The freedom just to sing without worrying about the perfect tone or rhythm or sustaining a note for effect.
She was grateful, truly grateful for Dollie’s help, but there were moments in the last week that they’d been working together that the fun of singing seemed to have floated away.
And things seemed better for a moment when they’d sung a rousing version of ‘Goober Peas.’
They traded verses back and forth, joining each other for the chorus, harmonizing with each other. By the end of the song they’d linked arms and spun around and around until the final note had them both laughing and gasping for air.
“Well,” Dollie laughed, “that certainly lightened my step!”
With a long sigh, Rosemary agreed. “I needed that. It has been a long few days.”
Dollie’s expression turned down in a sympathetic frown as she took hold of Rosemary’s arm. “Come with me, sweetheart.”
Walking Rosemary to the wall-to-wall wardrobe, Dollie opened one door and stood back.
“Hmm… now where is that dress.”
Rosemary watched as Dollie dug through dress after beautiful dress. Lace. Feathers. Braiding that looked like gold, silver, and bronze. Satins. Silks.
Heaven.
Rubbing her palms against the well-worn wool of her skirts, Rosemary could barely contain her curiosity and keep her hands at her side. She loved seeing Dollie’s wardrobe, a veritable rainbow of colors. If only it was during the day, she could only imagine the sparks that the sunlight would have sent sailing across the room.
“While I’m looking,” Dollie’s voice was muffled by the yards and yards of fabric hanging in the wardrobe, “what about that apple song?”
“Apple song?” Rosemary stood up straight, hoping that Dollie hadn’t seen her peeking over her shoulder at the pretties that she was looking through.
“You’ll see soon enough, stop peeking!” Tossing a knowing grin over her shoulder, Dollie laughed. “You know what I’m talking about.” With a sigh, Dollie sang the first few words and then Rosemary finished that line.
“I will give my love-”
“An apple without any core.”
It didn’t take long for the song to lift Rosemary’s spirit and capture her attention.
“I will give my love a house without any door
I will give my love a palace wherein he may be
And he may unlock it without any key…”
Before she could start the next verse, Dollie caught her eye with a flash of deep purple velvet. “What do you think of this?”
Rosemary remained silent. The dress was deliciously beautiful, and easily the most beautiful gown she had ever seen in her life.
“Ah
,” Dollie’s laughter was a soft touch of sound, “I can see that you like it.”
Swallowing the longing down deep inside herself, Rosemary managed a few words. “It’s going to look so lovely on you, Dollie.”
“Me?” Dollie scoffed and drew Rosemary’s gaze from the dress for a moment. “Why I love you for thinking that I could, but this dress isn’t for me.”
“Why?” Rosemary had to resist the urge to pull the garment from Dollie’s hands and cradle it against her cheek. Just a touch. Just a little touch and she would give it back. “Why would you send it back? It’s lovely and precious and amazing… all in one!”
Thoughtfully, Dollie lifted the dress back up and held it under the light from a wall-sconce. “It does have it’s merits, but sadly, I can’t keep it.”
Dollie started to put it back in the wardrobe.
“Wait!” Rosemary cringed at the desperation in her own voice. “Please, just a moment.”
Turning back to look at her, Rosemary saw the littlest smile on Dollie’s lips. How could she smile like that?
“What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s simple,” Dollie shook her head as she held the dress out and shook it so that the fabric billowed for a moment before settling, hanging down from her hands, “it’s cut too narrow in the hips! I couldn’t wear this even if I starved myself for weeks, and you know I’m not about to do that. If I can’t fit into this dress, then I can’t keep it. Christina must have sent the dress to me in error.”
Rosemary’s heart ached in her chest. She remembered the day when they’d stopped in Gaylesville on their last trip down toward the coast. The men had brought aboard several boxes from Christina’s shop tied up in twine. She’d stood at the railing with Loretta wondering what amazing confections were nestled safely in the boxes.
Surely, this gown had come aboard in one of those boxes.
Dollie sighed as if a great weight had been set upon her shoulders. “We’ll be back in Gaylesville a couple days from now, won’t we?”
Rosemary nodded as she struggled to place a smile upon her lips. “That’s our next stop after this one.”
Dancing a few slow steps in one direction, the gown held gently against her statuesque form, Dollie turned back and danced closer to Rosemary. “It is stunning, isn’t it?”
Unable to take the chance that she’d never hold such a beautiful thing, Rosemary spoke in a tumble of words. “Would you like me to help pack it back in the box?”
She saw Dollie consider the words and made herself relax her hands against the sides of her skirt. Please, oh, please. Her thoughts repeated over and over as Dollie continued to think, giving Rosemary the tiniest bit of hope.
“You know…”
When Dollie started to speak, Rosemary gasped in a breath before she realized she had already been holding one in.
“I say we have a bit of fun.”
Fun? Fun was good. Fun sounded very good.
“You know, this is probably cut more to your size.” At that, Dollie’s expression tightened a bit. “I hope Christina’s not creating her best for other customers.”
She was sure she should have said something, but Rosemary stood silently before the spectacular woman she was proud to call a friend.
Dollie gave Rosemary a look from head to toe and back again, holding it up before Rosemary as if her fingers were wooden pins and Rosemary was the laundry line. “I think we should see what this looks like on.”
Turning about before Rosemary could wrap her head around the other woman’s words, Dollie draped the gown over the elegant chaise lounge near the window. When she turned back toward Rosemary, Dollie gave her a curious look.
“Well, go ahead.”
Rosemary stood staring at the other woman. “Go ahead?”
Dollie’s shoulders shook with laughter. “You can’t very well put the dress on over your clothes.”
“Oh!” Startled, Rosemary shook herself from her stupor and worked on the buttons down the front of her dress. Not nearly as elegant as the gowns that Dollie wore with their buttons in an elegant line down the back of her dress, Rosemary’s buttons were larger and marched in a line easily accessible to her fingers. Rosemary didn’t have someone to help her dress, normally.
But she soon found out what it was like.
Together, Rosemary managed to remove her dress and Dollie helped her drop the other gown down over Rosemary’s leaner form.
The top of the dress bared her shoulders to the air and as Dollie stepped around behind her to secure the gown, Rosemary couldn’t help but reach one arm up at a time to rub at her bare flesh.
“Used to everything covering you from the tops of your boots to your neck, aren’t you?”
Rosemary turned her head to speak. “It feels… different.”
Dollie tugged at one side of the bodice and then the other, making Rosemary gasp. “Not a bad feeling, hmm?”
“No,” it was easier to admit than she’d thought, and Rosemary felt a bit of confidence well up inside of her, “not bad. I feel,” she struggled to find the answer, but couldn’t quite seem to grasp the emotion inside of her, “like a different person.”
Dollie looked up and Rosemary met her eyes in the cheval mirror near to the wall. “It’s the beauty of performing,” she smiled, “you can become anyone you want to be. You can be sweet. You can be a coquette. Or you can be an earthy seductress. It’s all there for you to decide what you want to be from one moment to the next.”
Stepping around to Rosemary’s back, Dollie reached up her hands and moved the long braid that had fallen forward over her shoulder so that nothing obstructed her view of the gown as she worked on the long line of buttons and hooks in just the right places. When she was done Dollie smiled and stepped to the side so that Rosemary could see herself.
“Now that, is a beauty.”
“It really is the most beautiful dress that I’ve ever seen.”
“If you had a different corset, and a few layers of ruffles on a different petticoat, you could lift your hair away from your face, fashion a crown of curls atop your head and add a little rouge on your cheeks and lips… No one would recognize you as the young woman who works in the kitchens!”
Looking into the mirror, Rosemary could almost imagine it. She wanted to see it, but her heart wouldn’t let her. Dreaming was one thing, it lifted her spirits, but if she were to ‘see it’ standing before her, knowing it would only be there for that moment and then taken away, it would hurt too much.
So even as she struggled to keep a smile on her face, she turned to Dollie and brushed a kiss on her rounded cheek. “You’ve been so kind to me.”
Dollie’s eyes filled with confusion for a moment before she seemingly pushed it away. “Kind? Hardly. Although I think the world of you, I said what I said to you because it’s true. You’re a talent, dear girl. You should have a right to dream of the world at your feet.”
Rosemary opened her mouth and then closed it again, only to have Dollie take her hands in her own and give them a squeeze.
“What’s this worry about, Rosie dear?”
“I want to be happy where I am, Dollie. I’ve been happy, you know?”
The older woman nodded.
“But I’m starting to want more. I want to stay here on the Siren forever, but I want…” she stumbled over her thoughts, struggling with how much to reveal, “I want more!”
Dollie’s eyes glistened with tears and she held onto Rosemary’s hands tighter than before. “Tell me.”
The words wouldn’t be held back anymore.
“I want to love and be loved, Dollie. I want a husband and babies. I want to feel his arms around me at night and hold my children against my heart. I never had parents in the strictest sense, but I had people who cared for me. I know what being loved feels like… or at least, I think I do.”
She could feel Dollie’s affection as if it was in the very air surrounding them.
“Don’t doubt that, Rosemary. Anyone who kno
ws you at all can see how much you care about others. You would be a loving mother. So I won’t have you despairing of your dreams. You need to have a little faith in the world and the people around you. And that,” Dollie grinned at her, “is the last we’ll speak on the subject. I have spoken.”
They shared a laugh as Dollie helped Rosemary remove the dress. When she set it back into Dollie’s hands she let out a longing sigh. “I’m sure Christine made a mistake and sent you the wrong dress, but I am happy you let me try it on. It was the finest dress I’ve ever set my hands on.”
Dollie’s smile was full and bright. “It won’t be the last, Rosemary… mark my words. You’ll have the future you want. I know that’s true.”
Rosemary shook her head, desperately trying to protect her heart.
“Don’t you shake your pretty head at me, young lady. You will have the most amazing life. Family and fame, mark my words!”
Finishing with the buttons on her work-dress, Rosemary moved closer and kissed Dollie on the cheek. “You’re a sweetheart for saying so, Dollie, but we both know I’ll be working in the kitchens of the Siren for as long as I’m able.” She took a few steps to the door but turned back around. “Don’t think I’m unhappy about it. I love working aboard this boat and what I do. I keep myself busy and I love my family on the Siren. You included.” Rosemary blinked back unexpected tears. “I’ll always be grateful to you for taking an interest in me.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Dollie pressed her hands to her heart, “you don’t have to be grateful to me. If I had known the voice you were hiding down in the kitchens, I would have come down to find you. Your mother may be lost to us, but we have her back through you. I know she’s smiling down at you from heaven. I would.”
Dollie’s words were still echoing in her head when she emerged out onto the deck where the crew’s lodgings were located. She knew she should head straight to bed, but there were so many feelings rushing around inside of her that she knew she needed to walk about a bit to calm her thoughts enough to go to sleep.