“What about Zach and Emma, and oh my god, the baby?”
Hayley looked over at Michael. “He and Emma aren’t really talking to us at the moment. So we don’t really know.”
“Why?” I rubbed my temples, not sure I wanted to hear.
Michael said, “Because when they lost their jobs with you Zach went back to temping but Hayley couldn’t find him anything permanent. He’s staying on a friend’s couch working as a line cook. Emma is living
with her parents in Gainesville. Zach is freaking out and mad at everyone. He kept telling your dad you promised him a job and health insurance and—“
Hayley added, “Your mom said she would have the police escort them off the property.”
I groaned. “Oh my god. I did, I promised them. Magnus did. Magnus is going to be so upset when he finds out Zach is out on the streets. I only —“ I stopped myself before I said, ‘grabbed my husband’s arm’, and continued, “I just wanted to go away on a spiritual retreat, and now my whole life is falling apart.”
James said, “Let that be a lesson, nothing good comes of ditching your friends for months of meditation with no contact. I mean seriously, you scared us.”
“I’m sorry about that. It won’t happen again.” I raised up and squiggled my hair into a messy bun. Hayley, without being asked, handed me a hair-band off her wrist.
“I need a piece of paper and a pen to make a list. First, I need to kick my parents’ asses. Seriously, their daughter goes into rehab, and they fire all her employees?”
“You didn’t leave instructions. They didn’t know what to do.”
“True, but still. Second, lease my house again. Third, beg Chef Zach to come back to work. Fourth, spring Quentin from jail.”
James said, “You need another beer, this is a long list.”
He got up to go to the bathroom and returned a moment later. “What the hell is up with the giant brown soggy dress?”
Hayley and I looked at each other. I said, “Oh that, that was for a joke. I wanted to look just like Lady Mairead when I came back to freak you guys out, but after that trip home I lost my sense of humor.”
Chapter 30
The next morning I woke up with a spectacular hangover. The kind that comes not so much from drinking, though there was plenty of that, but from other chemical issues — like too nervous, upset, not enough sleep, not enough nutrition, time jumping, excruciating pain, Adrenalin, close to frost-bitten, nerves on edge. The hangover was going to happen, the beer simply ushered it in.
Hayley drove me to my parents’s house after I called them to tell them I was coming, because I figured it would be easier than showing up and giving them a heart attack. I just played it cool on the phone, “Oh yeah, I was on a spiritual retreat, yeah sort of like rehab, but I’m back, Hayley picked me up from the airport,” that kind of thing. And when I walked up to my parents’s house I gave myself a big pep talk: Play it cool, pretend like it’s normal to disappear for four months. It was rehab. Talk fast and sure and play it easy.
I walked on in. “Mom, Dad?”
Mom rushed out with her hands on her hips. “Rehab? Seriously? Do you know what people are whispering about you? That you’ve had a breakdown. That you’re locked up under surveillance, twenty-four-hour.” I dropped down into one of the chairs at the kitchen table.
“Well I wasn’t. It was actually more like a spiritual retreat. I got in touch with my Ching and my Yangalang. It’s all the rage in Los Angeles.”
Dad humphed and returned to his activity, stuffing veggies into a blender.
Mom said, “Well, we were worried sick. I didn’t know what to tell everyone. Why would you go to one of those places? You don’t have any problems.”
I rolled my eyes, feeling fifteen again, lying to mom. “If you remember, mom, I seem to have anger issues. It’s one of the reasons my whole life fell apart last summer. So I went to handle it, get my Shabbylinguoi in order. You know, with meditation and chanting.”
Mom looked like she thought I was crazy. “I haven’t heard of any of that.”
“It’s very hip, very right now, very oh look, the actress who may or may not play on Iron Man may have been there.”
Mom said, “Really? Did you meet her?”
“I can’t say, but I met some royalty, that was interesting.”
“So it wasn’t one of those twelve-step programs, right? You won’t have to go to meetings?
“Nope, they say I’m clean, pure, and my Sim-gushers are in order again. So besides a weekly massage, there’s not much I need to do.”
Mom shook her head, “Well, you are lucky, my friend Camilla is an alky, and she says she still battles with it.” Mom did air quotes with her fingers around ‘alky’ and ‘still battles.’
I joked, “Well, that’s alcohol. My problem was imbalances in my Superstruction, so there’s a difference.”
“Ah, probably. That does sound good. It was like a spa?”
I nodded. “Just like a spa. Exactly like one.” Dad pushed the grind button on the juicer for a moment, and we quieted because it was so very loud. When he finished, he dipped a finger in and declared it delicious.
“So where’s Magnus?”
“He’s still on the spiritual retreat. He doesn’t have anger issues but wanted to complete his Fingway training.”
She waved her hand dismissing my comment. “It was just a marriage of convenience anyway. I suppose you’ll have to get used to living apart a great deal of the time. We haven’t spent any time with him since the wedding. It would be nice to see him again. You know, he reminds me of that Outlander guy, what’s his name…?”
“You know, he gets that all the time. So, speaking of my anger issues, why did you close down my house and fire my staff while I was away?”
“Well, it was just wasting money. There was no need for it, right dear?” She looked toward my dad who was pouring two glasses of vegetable juice. He placed them in front of me and mom. It looked disgusting, like I might barf. Mom drank hers down.
Dad poured a third into a mug for himself. “Just pouring money down the drain. We had to strengthen your portfolio for long term growth. He licked the big wooden spoon he was using.
Mom added, “And frankly, that Zach person was not a good employee anyway. I think you’ll do good to start over—“
“Chef Zach was an excellent employee. I’m not starting over, you had no right to—“
“Well dear, you didn’t leave us instructions, or even tell us where you were going. We just assumed—“
“Here’s the thing, I did leave word where I had gone and what the instructions were. I told Zach I was going on a spiritual retreat and that he would continue to be employed while I was gone. Did he tell you that?”
Mom opened and closed her mouth twice. Dad said, “He did, but we didn’t know he was speaking with authority.”
“Well he was. He was hired by Magnus. I will need to hire him again because Magnus will be furious he’s gone.”
“He was insolent to me and your father.”
“What did he say?”
“That he wouldn’t leave. We’d have to force him out.”
“Well, he was doing what I told him to do. Not very insolent, it’s just you disagreed.”
“What were we to do, keep them employed even though you weren’t there?”
“Don’t I have the money for it?”
Dad said, “You do for now, but not if you pay people to sit around. You need to toughen up.”
I sighed. “That may be true, but also, Zach is a special case. He and Emma have a value that Magnus is willing to pay for even if he’s not there. So yeah, I just wanted to let you know that I’m back, and I’ll be taking over the reigns of the household again. Thank you for your work on my behalf.”
Mom said, “That’s fine dear. You’ll see that we paid ourselves a salary for management in your absence.”
I bit my lips, close to raging, but deciding that might blow my whole story. Inst
ead I nodded with my lips between my teeth looking like a psychopath. “Yeah, of course you did. You paid yourself a salary. I’m super happy about that. Chef Zach is living on a couch and you and Dad got an extra paycheck. That’s awesome Mom. Okay.” I stood up. “Is there anything I need to sign to get my house back?”
Mom jumped up to gather paperwork. Dad looked indifferent. He began to wash cups, leaving mine, untouched, in front of me. Mom hustled back in, “I’m glad you came back when you did. I was beginning to wonder what to do if your lease came up in a couple of months.” She put the lease in front of me, the house keys, and then an extra keyring.
“What’s this?”
“Your stuff has been moved into storage. There’s the paperwork.”
“Awesome Mom, perfect.”
I stood to go. “Dad, how’s Grandma?”
He turned. “Oh that’s right, you almost missed the move. We decided she couldn’t live on her own anymore, so we’ve applied to move her to an assisted-living place.”
“What? Where?”
Mom said, “In Maine, near where she lives now, so she has plenty of friends around.”
“When?”
“Next month.”
“I want to go when you move her.”
I slid all the keys and paperwork up and made to leave. “If, in the future, I go away for any length of time, I would like to have a manager set up. Someone to run my household and finances in my absence. What kind of paperwork would I need to fill out?”
Dad said, “That would be an administrator. Your mother and I would be happy to—“
“Yeah, I’ll get a lawyer. Really great seeing you guys again.”
“Hope you can come to dinner sometime next weekend. We’re booked until then.”
I found myself bustling out the door and then returning a second later. “Um, where’s my car?”
“Magnus’s mustang? Oh it’s in the garage.”
* * *
I took deep breaths sitting in the driver’s seat of the Mustang. I only had to do a million things to put my household back together. Then I had to wait for Magnus.
I had been gone for like three days, and it almost equaled four months. Once I opened my house again, I would need to do the math. Then I would need to guess how long it would take Magnus to get a vessel and follow me. My bag was dried stiff from the soaking yesterday. My keys still had a bloodstain on them. Gross.
I wiped it on the leg of the sweatpants and started the car.
Chapter 31
I still didn’t have a phone because so far I had done all of this just to get in the front door of my house.
Next, I needed to get my stuff or at least my clothes from storage. Then I needed to talk to Zach. I opened the front door of my house.
It contained the furniture it came with. Empty, dark, too cold, lifeless, and spooky. I walked around. The dressers were all empty. Everything looked realtor-staged, and frankly I did not like being here by myself.
Okay, first I needed to talk to Zach.
* * *
I showed up at the place he was living unannounced. The curtain slid away from the window when I knocked, and then Zach opened the door and gruffly said, “Come in.” He dropped to the couch and put on his shoes.
I stood in the middle of the room. It was dark. The television flickered. Beer cans were crumpled on the floor. A bong stood on the side table. The curtains were closed. Sheets and a pillow were rumpled on the couch.
“Where’s Emma?”
He continued tying his shoes without looking up. “At her parents’ house, in Gainesville. You know — this isn’t really the kind of place for a pregnant girl, so yeah, I’m trying to make some money so we can get our own place.”
He stood and grabbed his keys, “I need to head into work soon though, so—“
“Zach, I am so sorry. I am — I don’t know how to express to you, the amount of sorry.”
“Hey, that’s cool. It was just a job right?”
“No, it wasn’t just a job. Magnus thinks of you like family and—“
Zach jiggled the keys and looked down at me. “Yeah, well, family lets us down a lot. I’m used to taking care of my own shit. Did you need something? Is that why you came by?”
“Zach, please, sit down so we can talk, please.”
He sank onto the couch without a word. I perched on the edge of the recliner beside it. Now that I had his ear for a moment I didn’t know where to begin. I kind of hoped he would’ve been so excited to see me that he just hugged me hello and came back to work. It didn’t seem like it was going that way.
He started with. “When did you get back?”
“Last night. I — I was gone for like — three days.”
He looked at me with his face screwed up incredulously. “What are you talking about?”
“I went back in time to sometime in the early seventeen hundreds, and I was there for four days. I just barely escaped back here and landed in the marsh I might add — that was wet, totally sucked. And guess what? My house was all closed up. You had been laid off, and I’m really sorry.”
“You feel like you were only gone for three days?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I had no idea so much time was passing. And — in hindsight, I should have paperwork lawyered-up that makes sure you have a job in my absence. But the truth is there won’t be another time because that? It sucked, hard, awful, death-defying.”
“Where’s Magnus?”
“He didn’t make it out. I don’t know. Last I saw of him he was fighting two men, and I don’t know if he survived it. Plus, I took the only time-traveling thingamajig, so he doesn’t have a way to get here — I don’t mean to talk just about what I went through though — how’s Emma, how’s the baby?”
“They’re fine, the pregnancy is going okay, but Emma’s pretty stressed out. Her parents have never really liked me, so my jobless ass has been proving them right.”
“You have a job. You’re the private chef to Magnus Campbell and his wife, Kaitlyn. And I’ll get you health insurance. I know I said I would, but I mean it. I’m going to be better at this. I’ll run the place like it matters.”
“It was pretty tough there. Your mom is kind of a bitch. I kept telling her you wanted me to stay on. That you wanted me and Emma to take care of the place, but she threatened to call the cops and—“
“Yeah, I know, it must have super-sucked. Do you need like extra combat pay or something? What can I do? Magnus thinks the world of you, really. I mean, I think he likes me okay, but when he’s in Scotland all he talks about is your cooking and how much he misses it. And what I’m figuring out is that he hasn’t really had a home, or a family. I met his stepfather, it was not good. You and I are it. Quentin. Emma. The baby — when you guys become parents. I hope he comes home, and I need you to be there when he does, because he would be really sad without you.”
Zach chuckled. “He really loves my cooking, huh?”
“You know he does. This is not new information. You were right. My mom was wrong. I wish I had a crystal ball to see in the future, that I needed a contract for ‘in case I disappeared for four months,’ but I didn’t, because crystal balls like time machines aren’t based in reality. So there’s this: I screwed up, and it sucked. Please come work for us again. I’ll write up contracts. I’m going to behave more like a grown up, the matriarch of our family. And you can have combat pay.”
“I get paid enough — it’s just the job, the health insurance, some stability, a place.” He looked around at the trashed apartment.
“It’s yours. Just please come home. Right now. Because I’m hungry.” I laughed. And Zach laughed. He checked his cell phone. I have to work. I’m a line cook. I barely make enough to pay my cell phone bill.”
“Can you quit, now?”
“I should probably be a grown up and quit after my shift.”
“We should probably both be grown ups, huh? Do you want me to go rescue Emma?”
“No, I’ll drive
down tomorrow morning. I’ll go to church with her parents. It’s a small thing that I’ve been slack about doing. Then I’ll rescue her.” He grinned.
“So you’re saying I’m on my own tonight?”
He nodded.
“Fine,” I joked. “I can make my own ice cream.” I walked to the door. “Thank you for telling my folks it was rehab, that was perfect. And I really will make this up to you, I promise.”
* * *
I got into my car and looked down at my list. I would need to talk to Quentin, possibly through a lawyer, and even with the best of intentions he might be stuck in jail. That would have to wait for the work week, probably.
Everyone would help me move my stuff back tomorrow. They were all busy tonight.
Haley said I was invited if I wanted to come. I would spend a few hours in my empty house and decide how I felt about that.
Chapter 32
When I shoved up the door of the storage unit, I wanted to kill my mom for the tenth time since I got back. The unit was big, my stuff was piled in the middle with ample room left over. She was wasting money on this. Wasting it. My stuff could have been in my house. Guarded over by my guard. Watched over by my housemates, Zach and Emma.
The boxes were unlabeled. I pulled one toward me and looked inside. A spatula, a pile of silverware, a bowl with potpourri, plus a few items from my dresser, plus a pair of shoes and a bottle of shampoo.
I clenched my fists and screamed at the ceiling. Then I let forth a barrage of profanity, that went from simple to completely off the rails, “Fucking waste of money, stupidest thing I ever saw. Who the hell did she hire to pack my shit, has that person never seen a freaking sharpie pen? Ever? How hard is it to write a label on the outside of the box? It’s like the one rule of boxing stuff. Look at this freaking box — it has a spot for writing the contents. It says ‘contents.’ There’s no way to ignore its intent, it’s a motherfucking rule.”
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