‘Bonjour, mademoiselle,’ he said as he forced a smile. ‘Thank you for sparing the time to see me. Is there somewhere we can go to talk?’
‘I think there’s a residents’ lounge. Will that do?’
‘Fine.’
I led him through the lobby and into the empty lounge. He sat down, gazed at me for a while and then gave a weak smile. ‘Is it too early for a drink?’
‘I don’t know, Felix, it’s up to you.’
‘Coffee then.’
I went off to find a waitress to bring coffee and a water for me, thinking how deflated Felix looked this morning, as if the energy that drove him on had disintegrated and he was left crumpled and empty. We made small talk until the waitress delivered our drinks then left, and I knew whatever it was had to be said undisturbed and in private. I looked at Felix expectantly as he took a sip of his coffee, noticing that his hands shook as he held the cup.
‘Ally, first of all, I want to talk to you about Thom. You’re obviously close to him.’
‘Yes, but I should point out that we haven’t known each other for longer than a few days. It’s quite extraordinary. There’s a real bond between us already.’
Felix’s eyes narrowed for a moment. ‘There must be. I thought you two had known each other for years from the way you behaved together yesterday. Anyway, moving on, I suppose he’s told you the story of how I refused to accept I was his father?’
‘He has, yes.’
‘Would you believe me if I said that, up until I took that DNA test, I sincerely thought he wasn’t mine?’
‘If you say so, I must.’
‘I do, Ally.’ Felix nodded vehemently. ‘Thom’s mother, Martha, was a student of mine. Yes, we had a brief affair, but perhaps Thom was never told that at the same time, she had a steady long-term boyfriend. In fact, she was engaged to him when we met and their wedding was already planned.’
‘I see.’
‘Without wanting to sound arrogant,’ Felix continued, ‘Martha took one look at me and that was that. She fell head over heels in love, to the point of obsession. And of course for me, the whole thing had meant nothing. Putting it bluntly, it was sex and that was an end to it. I’d never wanted anything more from her, or any other woman for that matter. To be truthful, Ally, I’ve never been the marrying kind, and certainly not father material. Perhaps these days you’d use the expression “commitment-phobe”, but I always made it clear to my girlfriends how it was. I grew up in the age of free love, the Swinging Sixties, when everyone was suddenly freed from the old rules. And for better or worse, that attitude never left me. It’s just who I am,’ he shrugged.
‘Okay,’ I said, ‘so when Thom’s mother told you she was pregnant, what did you say to her?’
‘That if she wanted the baby, which I believed at the time was bound to be her fiancé’s child, given we had only slept together on a couple of occasions, then she should tell him and marry him as soon as possible. She informed me that she’d broken off the engagement the night before, because she’d realised she didn’t love him. Apparently, she loved me.’ Felix put a hand to his forehead and dragged it down over his eyes. ‘I’m ashamed to say that I laughed in her face, told her she was crazy. Apart from the fact that there was no proof the baby was mine, the idea of us settling down together and playing happy families was absurd. I lived hand to mouth in a freezing cabin . . . What on earth could I have offered a woman and a child, even if I’d wanted to? So, I sent her away, believing that if she knew any future with me was a dead end, she’d have no choice but to go running back to her fiancé. But of course, she didn’t. Instead, shortly after the birth, she ran to Horst and Astrid – my grandparents – who by that time were ninety-three and seventy-eight, and told them what a bastard I’d been to her. If my relationship with them had been rocky before, that finished it for good. My grandfather and I barely spoke again before he died, even though I’d worshipped him as I grew up. Horst was a wonderful man, really, Ally. When I was younger I thought of him as my hero.’ Felix looked up at me miserably. ‘Do you think I’m a bastard, Ally? Like Thom does?’
‘I’m not here to pass judgement on you. I’m here to listen to what you have to say,’ I said cautiously.
‘Okay, so Martha disappeared after I’d told her I wanted nothing to do with the baby, though she did write to me and tell me she was continuing with the pregnancy, and was staying with a friend of hers up in the north near her family until she’d decided what to do. She continued to tell me she loved me in the endless letters she wrote to me. I didn’t reply, hoping that my silence would encourage her to move on. She was young, and very attractive, and I was sure she’d have no problem finding someone else to give her what she needed. Then I . . . got a letter with a photograph enclosed just after the birth. I . . .’
Felix paused and I watched him gaze at me oddly, then he continued. ‘I didn’t hear from her for the next few months, until one day I saw her pushing a pram in town here in Bergen. Being the coward I am’ – he grimaced – ‘I hid from her, but then asked a friend of mine if he knew where she was living. And it was he who told me my grandparents had taken her in because she’d had nowhere else to go. The friend she’d been staying with had kicked her out apparently. Thom may have told you that she suffered from bouts of depression, and I can only imagine that she suffered postnatally.’
‘How did you feel about her living with your grandparents?’ I asked him.
‘Bloody furious! I felt they’d been manipulated to take in a woman who claimed to have my child, but what could I do? She’d managed to convince them completely. They’d already written me off years before as an immoral waster, so my behaviour was just par for the course in their eyes. Jesus Christ, Ally, I was so angry. Angry for years. Yes, I’d made a mistake by getting a woman pregnant, but they never wanted to hear my side of the story, not once. Martha had made them believe that I was a shit and that was that. Listen, I’m going to get a drink. Want something?’
‘No, thank you.’
I watched him stand and leave the lounge in search of the bar by reception. And I tried to remember Pa Salt’s words about the other side of a story. Everything Felix had said so far made sense. And even if he was an irresponsible drunkard, I didn’t think he was a liar. If anything, he was far too blunt and open. If the story was true, then I could see his point of view completely.
Felix arrived back with a large whisky in his hand.
‘Skål!’ he said as he took a big slug.
‘Have you ever tried to tell Thom any of this?’
‘Of course not.’ He laughed out loud. ‘From the day he was born, he was told what a rotter I was. And besides, he grew up incredibly defensive of his mother, and understandably so,’ he added. ‘Although as the years went by I did feel sorry for him, whether he was or wasn’t mine. I knew from local gossip that Martha was sliding in and out of depression. At least the fact that Thom lived with my grandparents for the first few formative years of his life must have given him some essential stability. Martha really was a bit of a flake; she had a childlike quality to her, always believing that everything would be just as she wanted it.’
‘So, you left the situation as it was until you found out Thom had inherited your family house?’
‘Yes. Horst had died when Thom was eight, but my grandmother, who was considerably younger than him, died when Thom was eighteen. When the solicitor told me I’d been left Horst’s cello and a small financial bequest, and that everything else had gone to Thom, I really felt I had to do something.’
‘How did you feel when you found out you were Thom’s father?’
‘Absolutely astonished,’ Felix admitted as he took another gulp of his whisky. ‘But that’s nature for you, isn’t it?’ he chuckled. ‘Playing its little tricks. I know me contesting the will made Thom hate me even more. But given what I’ve just told you, I’m sure you can understand why I was convinced Thom was a cuckoo sitting in my hereditary nest.’
‘Were
you happy when you knew Thom was yours?’ I asked him, feeling vaguely like a therapist analysing a client. Theo would have loved this, I thought.
‘To be honest, I can’t remember what I felt,’ Felix admitted. ‘I got very drunk for a few weeks after the test came back positive. Martha, of course, wrote me a vitriolic letter of triumph, which I threw on the fire.’ He gave a deep sigh. ‘What a mess, what a bloody mess.’
Both of us sat there silently for a while, me digesting what he’d told me. I felt a pervading sense of sadness for lives that had gone so wrong.
‘Thom tells me you were a very talented pianist and composer,’ I ventured.
‘“Were”? I’ll have you know I still am!’ Felix smiled genuinely for the first time.
‘Then it’s a shame you don’t use your talent.’
‘And how do you know I don’t, mademoiselle? That instrument sitting in my cabin is my lover, my torturer and my sanity. I may have been too drunk and unreliable for anyone to employ me professionally, but that doesn’t mean to say I’ve stopped playing for myself. What do you think I do in that godforsaken cabin all day? I play, play for me. Perhaps one day I’ll let you listen,’ he said with a grin.
‘And Thom too?’
‘I doubt he’d want to, and I suppose I can’t blame him. He’s been the victim in this situation. Caught between a bitter, depressed mother and a father who never took responsibility for him. He has every right to despise me.’
‘Felix, surely you should tell him what you’ve just told me?’
‘Ally, I promise you, I’d only have to say one negative word about his precious mother, and he’d be out of the door. Besides, it would be cruel to destroy Thom’s lifelong belief that she was the innocent party and remove her pedestal, especially now she’s dead. What does it matter?’ he sighed. ‘What’s done is done.’
I liked Felix more then, because what he’d just said showed that he cared about them. Even if it was obvious he hadn’t done much to endear himself to his son.
‘So, can I ask you why you’ve just told me all this? Is it because you want me to tell Thom?’
Felix stared at me for a few seconds, then picked up his whisky glass and drained it. ‘No.’
‘Then is it to tell me that Thom was right? That I’m another illegitimate child of yours? By another conquest?’ I joked, even as the look in his eyes told me he had more to say.
‘It’s not as simple as that, Ally. Shit! Excuse me.’ Once again, he stood up and almost ran to the bar, returning a few minutes later with another huge whisky. ‘Sorry, it goes without saying I’m an alcoholic. And for the record, I play far better when I’m drunk.’
‘Felix, what is it you want to tell me?’ I urged him, worrying that he’d lose his train of thought as the whisky soaked into his bloodstream.
‘The thing is . . . I saw it yesterday when you and Thom sat side by side on my sofa, like two damned peas in a pod. And I put two and two together. I’ve been up all night thinking whether it was right or wrong to tell you. Contrary to everyone’s opinion of me, I do have some moral and emotional codes. And the last thing I want to do is cause any further damage than I already have.’
‘Felix, please just tell me,’ I repeated.
‘Okay, okay, but as I said, this is guesswork for me too. Right . . .’
I watched him as he felt for something in his pocket and drew out an old envelope. He put it down on the table in front of me.
‘Ally, when Martha wrote to me to tell me she’d given birth, she enclosed a photograph.’
‘Yes, you said. Of Thom.’
‘Yes, of Thom. But she was also cradling another baby in her arms. A baby girl. Martha had twins. Do you want to see the letter and the photograph?’
‘Oh my God,’ I muttered and gripped the side of the sofa as my surroundings suddenly span around me. I put my head between my legs and felt Felix come to sit beside me and pat my back.
‘Here, Ally, take some whisky. It always helps for shock.’
‘No.’ I flapped the glass away, the smell making me nauseous. ‘I can’t, I’m pregnant.’
‘Jesus!’ I heard Felix exclaim. ‘What have I done?’
‘Just pass me my water. I’m feeling a bit better now.’
He did so and I took a few gulps, feeling the faintness passing.
‘Sorry about that, I’m really okay now.’ I eyed the envelope sitting on the table and reached for it. With hands that shook as much as Felix’s, I opened it and out slid a piece of notepaper and an old black-and-white photograph of the pretty woman I knew was Thom’s mother from the framed photographs at Froskehuset. She was cradling two swaddled babies.
‘Can I read the letter?’
‘It’s in Norwegian. I’ll have to read it to you.’
‘Yes. Please do.’
‘Okay, firstly it gives the address, which is St Olav’s Hospital in Trondheim. The date is 2nd June 1977. Right, here we go.’ Felix cleared his throat. ‘“My darling Felix, I thought I should let you know that I have given birth to twins. One boy and one girl. The girl came first, just before midnight on 31st May, our son appearing a few hours later in the early hours of 1st June. I’m very tired because of the long labour and I may be in here for another week or so but I’m recovering well. I enclose a photograph of your babies, and if you want to see them now they’re here, or me, then please, come and visit. I love you. Martha.” There. That’s what the letter said.’
Felix’s voice was husky and I thought he might be close to tears.
‘The thirty-first of May . . . my birthday.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’ I looked at Felix blankly, then back down again at the babies in the photograph. They were indistinguishable in their blankets and I had no idea which one I might be.
‘I can only assume that, given Martha had no home or husband, she decided she’d have to put one of you up for adoption immediately,’ said Felix.
‘But surely, when you saw her in Bergen when she’d returned after the birth, you must have wondered where the other baby’ – I gulped hard – ‘where I was?’
‘Ally,’ Felix said, tentatively putting a hand on mine, ‘I’m afraid I assumed that the other twin had died. She never mentioned your continued existence to me ever again – or, as far as I know, to my grandparents or to Thom. I thought that maybe it was simply too painful a memory, so she had chosen to wipe it from her mind. Besides, I hardly spoke to her after that, and if I did, it was only words of anger and bitterness.’
‘This letter . . .’ I frowned in confusion. ‘It’s as if Martha believed you two would be together?’
‘Perhaps she thought that me seeing the photograph of what were apparently my offspring would prompt an emotional response. That since they’d entered the world, I’d have no choice but to take my responsibilities seriously.’
‘Did you reply to her?’
‘No, Ally, forgive me, but I didn’t.’
My head felt as if it were about to burst with the information I’d just been given, my heart equally full of conflicting emotions. When I hadn’t known that Felix was almost certainly my genetic father, I’d been able to rationalise what he’d told me about the past. But now, I didn’t know how I felt about him.
‘It might not be me. There’s no solid proof at all that it is,’ I muttered desperately.
‘True, but looking at the two of you together, along with your birth date and year and the fact your adoptive father sent you in search of a Halvorsen, I’d be pretty surprised if it wasn’t,’ Felix said mildly. ‘It’s very easy to find out for sure these days, as I know to my cost. A DNA test will confirm it immediately. I’d be glad to help you do that if you wanted to, Ally.’
I laid my head against the back of the sofa and breathed in deeply as I closed my eyes, knowing I didn’t need to confirm it. Everything fitted, as Felix had just said. And besides all the reasons he’d just cited, there was the fact that the moment I’d set eyes on Thom, I’d felt as though I
’d known him all my life, that he was familiar somehow. We were like two peas in a pod. So many times in the past few days we’d voiced the same thought simultaneously and laughed about it. The idea that I had found my twin brother made me feel dizzy with happiness, but at the same time I had to deal with the fact that my birth mother had had to choose which baby she would give away. And that she had chosen me.
‘I know what you’re thinking, Ally, and I’m sorry.’ Felix cut into my thoughts. ‘If it’s any help at all, when Martha first told me she was pregnant, she said she was convinced it was a boy and that was what she wanted. I’m sure it was a case of gender making the decision for her. Nothing more.’
‘Thanks, but just now it doesn’t make it feel any better.’
‘No, I’m sure. What can I say?’ he sighed.
‘Nothing. Not yet, anyway. But thanks for sharing this with me. Would you mind if I kept the letter and the photograph for a bit? I promise to return them.’
‘Of course.’
‘Excuse me, but I want to go for a walk. Alone,’ I added pointedly as I stood up. ‘I need some fresh air.’
‘I understand. And again, forgive me for telling you. I certainly wouldn’t have if I’d known you were pregnant. It must make it worse.’
‘As a matter of fact, Felix, it makes it much better. Thanks for being so honest with me.’
I walked out of the lounge, then out of the hotel’s front entrance into the biting, salty air. I began to walk briskly along the quay, heading in the direction of the sea. Ships were docked, loading and unloading their cargos, and eventually I reached a bollard and sat down on its hard, cold surface. The day was breezy and as my hair flew around my face, I secured it with the hairband that I always kept around my wrist.
So now I knew. A woman called Martha had conceived me in Bergen with a man called Felix, given birth to me and promptly given me away. My rational mind told me that the latter was simply the inevitable result of my investigation into my true parentage, but still, the pain of my mother choosing me out of the two of us burnt through me.
The Storm Sister Page 50