My body automatically heads towards the fresh pot of coffee that, thanks to the genius who invented the timer, is waiting for me. The smell draws me in like the Siren’s song lured ships. Addiction or not, no morning should ever start without my coffee. As I pour that first cup, my mind goes down the internal checklist of what I have on hand to fix for breakfast. Knowing that the girls love pancakes and bacon, I check the pantry for the dry ingredients, the fridge for the bacon, and the freezer for strawberries. It feels good to be back in my kitchen, and after putting the bacon in the oven and strawberries on to simmer, I sit down to enjoy my coffee.
The knock at the front door surprises me, but when I hear Liam say, “Kitty, are you here?” I settle back down in my chair. Talk about déjà vu! I don’t answer him for fear of waking the girls, but know that, like my nose did, his will lead him straight to the coffee.
“Morning. You’re up early.” Sure enough, he drops a kiss on my head and goes straight to the coffee. “Do I smell bacon? Oh, you’re making strawberry syrup. Pancakes?”
I just grin, and drink the rest of my coffee. He knows better than to expect me to talk this early.
“I just dropped by to give you an update, but now, I think I’ll stay for breakfast.”
I shrug my shoulders, tip my head toward my extended coffee cup, and wait for him to fill it up for me. Like the good brother he is, he refills my cup before joining me at the table. When I just drink my coffee and raise my eyebrows, he reads my face and answers my unspoken question. “I don’t know what you said to her, and really, I don’t want to know. Well, maybe I do, but still, I got a call from two of my clients yesterday, and it seems they’ve had a change of heart. Looks like I’ve got work to do this week.”
My mouth drops open, and all I can do is stare at him for a moment. Did the wicked witch really back off? If I were more alert, I do believe I would do a happy dance all around the kitchen, but all I can manage is a fist pump and a loud “YES!” Oh my goodness, this calls for a celebration. And at my house, celebration equals chocolate. “Wow, I can’t believe she’s backing down. That’s amazing. And yes, of course, you can stay for breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes with strawberry syrup and bacon.” I go to take another sip of coffee, and find that I’ve already drained my cup. Might as well let Liam earn those pancakes. “More coffee. Please?”
Liam laughs, but gets up from the table to get me more coffee. “I don’t know how you drink hot coffee so fast. It would burn the hide off my mouth.” When he takes the pot back, he gives the strawberries a stir. “What’s the deal, Wrynn? You never fix breakfast. You got the day off?”
I answer him with a grunt. I’ve already talked more than I like to before I fully awake, but when he glares at me, I yawn and stretch, and then decide to answer him verbally. “Ugh, you just can’t give me time to wake up, can you?” I smile as I say it, but then another big yawn covers my smile. “Oh gosh, excuse me. I went to bed at eight o’clock last night, and my body’s not used to getting so much sleep.” At the shocked look on his face, I chuckle and say around yet another yawn, “I know, right? I’m still trying to rouse myself. The girls and I played hooky yesterday, and when we got home, we were all worn out.”
I get up to check on the bacon in the oven, and as I add sugar and vanilla to the strawberries, I tell him the rest. “After the parade, Annie came to me sometime after midnight sobbing and missing her dad. Liam, she remembers Randy. Seeing him at the firehouse made her think about the last time she saw him almost three years ago.”
Dredging all this up again so soon after I’d put it to rest makes my heart squeeze a little, but I refuse to let it overwhelm me this time. “Anyway, after a troubled night with little sleep, I decided that we needed a mental health day. It was so much fun. I took them to Bridal Veil and Dry Falls, and we talked about Tripp, and the day he proposed. I told them the little things that I’d never thought to share. Then, we went up to Jones Knob, but we never made it out of the parking area. It was fun and relaxing, and long overdue. Girls’ day rocks, and we’re going to do it again real soon.”
While I was talking, I’d managed to get the pancake batter ready to pour and the strawberries thickened to syrup. “I’ll make you a deal. You get the girls up, and I’ll get the pancakes started. Their clothes are out, but you’ll have to help Maggie get dressed. By the time y’all get back, everything should be ready.” With the promise of food, Liam is up and heading down the hall.
“Teeth. Face. Hair.” The instructions automatically roll off my tongue as we finish our breakfast. Annie and Bekah race down the hall to tend to their grooming, while Maggie lifts her sticky hands up to me. I look from her chocolate smeared face to her strawberry painted hands. “No ma’am. You can walk. You’re not going to get me all sticky, too.” She’s so darned cute, and I just can’t resist tickling her chubby little belly. Then, I growl at her. In my monster voice, I say, “I’m going to get you, my sticky little girl, and when I do–” I don’t make it to the end of my sentence before she is off and running down the hall. With a giant roar, I take off after her and catch up to her in my bathroom.
She’s pulling her stool over, and in the process, leaving little red handprints on the floor and the stool. When she’s finally situated at the sink, she stands on her tiptoes, stretching to reach her toothbrush. As I go to get it for her, she looks at me and says, “No, Mommy. Me do it.”
Oh boy, I forgot all about the terrible twos. This is going to be fun. “Yes, baby, you can do it, but Mommy’s going to help you learn so that you can do it all for yourself after a little while.”
That earns me a big grin underneath all the chocolate. “Otay, Mommy. I do and you help. Tant tou.”
It takes a few extra minutes, but we finally get her finished and ready for preschool. When we walk back in the living room, Liam has the older girls’ book bags over his arm. “It’s only fair, Sis. You fed me, so I’ll take the girls to school.” This statement is greeted with a chorus of agreement. The girls love to ride with Uncle Liam in Daddy’s old truck. Go figure.
“Wow, that’s actually a great idea. Thanks. I don’t know what we’re having yet, but you’re welcome for supper, too. Just let me know this afternoon before I get the girls so I’ll fix enough.”
“Cooking twice in one day? Who are you and what did you do to my sister?” Liam pulls the giggling girls behind him, and pretends to shield them. “You never cook anymore, so I know you’re an imposter. But, heck yeah, I’ll come for supper. Now, hurry and tell the munchkins bye so we can hit the road.”
I drop to my knees and three squealing little rascals dive at me, tackling me to the floor. This is one of their favorite things to do, and honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just lie there and take my dose of loving, because I know that one day soon, they’ll be too old to want to bother. Smothered with kisses, I send my heartbeats out the door with an, ‘I love you’.
There it is again. Quiet. After the chaos of the last few years, I’m really not accustomed to so much peace, and it’s a little unnerving. With a quick flick of my wrist, the CD player comes to life and the warm, country vocals of Blake Shelton break through the calm. I do love me some Blake. Thinking it might be a good idea to do some laundry, I gather the dirty clothes, and traipse back through the house, leaving a trail of socks as I go. I shimmy over to the washer and lift the lid. Just as I start to turn the water on, I notice the load from last night. Ugh, I know that summer is coming when a load of laundry spoils in twelve hours. Yuck. I decide that it’s a small load and, since I have to wash it again, I might as well add more to it. Once the lid is closed, I move on to my next task.
I decide to call Charlie and talk to him about the decisions I’ve made. I’m hopeful that Debi and Lea will be able to cover my shifts indefinitely, because I don’t want to leave Charlie in a tight spot. While waiting for him to answer the phone, I notice the message light blinking. Annoying telemarketers. No, I don’t want a home security system, and who I voted
for is private. I just hope that I can remember to listen to it and erase it. I know that if it were an emergency, someone would’ve tracked me down on my cell. Oh, it could be the school. We did play hooky yesterday. I’m so deep in my thoughts that when a voice answers on the other end, I almost drop the phone.
“Hello? Hello? Wrynn, you there?”
I can’t help but laugh at myself. “Sorry, Charlie, I’m here. My mind was wandering, and you startled me when you answered. How’d ya know it was me? Never mind. Caller ID. You got a minute?”
“Yeah, just checking in some supplies before the Smokehouse opens. What’s up?” I can read the concern in Charlie’s voice. “Everything okay? You seem distracted.”
“Yeah, well, here’s the deal. I was hoping you could ask Debi and Lea if they could cover my hours, well, uhm, indefinitely. The girls and I’ve been through a lot, and I haven’t handled the situation very well. After some heavy thinking, and talking things over with them, I’ve decided that I really need to focus on us right now. With Tripp gone, they really don’t need an absent mom, too.” I hold my breath waiting for his response. When it comes, I feel a deep sense of relief.
“Heck yeah, you need to focus on y’all. I’ve been saying that since you came to work for me.” Charlie laughs. “I’m really happy that you’ve made this decision. You know that I’m here for you and the girls if you ever need me. Stop in to see us once in a while.” His voice becomes muffled, and he says something I can’t understand. “Listen, the food truck just showed up, so I’ve got to go, but remember, Tripp would want you to be happy. Bye, now.”
With that, he hangs up the phone, breaking our connection. That was certainly easier than I thought it would be, and now I can focus on more important things like the laundry and housework.
I spend a couple of hours going back and forth between washing clothes, making beds, and cleaning bathrooms. When the last load is ready to come out of the dryer, I take the basket overflowing with all the clean clothes and separate them on my bed. By now, Blake Shelton is long gone, and Lonestar has taken his place. This group is near and dear to my heart because Tripp used to sing their songs to me. We even danced our first dance as husband and wife to “Amazed.” As I fold all the laundry, I catch myself singing softly along with the CD. When I’ve put all of the girls’ clothes away, I am faced with only my own, so I load them back in the basket and head to my closet. Just as I always do, while the light flickers and hums to life, I close my eyes and try to catch the scent of my Tripp. I know that the smell has long worn off after three years, but my heart and mind keep it alive.
When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is the box that I received when I was given the news that he had been killed. Long ingrained instinct has me turning my eyes away, but this time, heartfelt curiosity has me looking back. It has been almost three years.
Three.
Very.
Long.
Years.
I don’t want to know what’s in it, but I NEED to know. With every fiber of my being, I need to know what’s in there. Once again, I close my eyes, but this time, it’s to pray for strength. Not only the strength to open the box, but also the strength to accept things as they are so that my healing process can begin. If I am ever going to leave the mourning stage behind, I know that I will have to embrace the pain so that I can move forward to the next step in reclaiming my life.
The first step I take towards the box is hesitant, then with a firm resolve, I cross the floor and reach high above me to jerk the box from where it’s sat and gathered dust over the years. As my legs tremble and my arms shake, I pull it close to my body and collapse to the floor. At first, I can only look at it, stare at it in trepidation. The unease that I am feeling is slowly swept away, replaced with something I can only describe as hope. The contents of this ordinary cardboard box will show me the last three months of Tripp’s life. The box itself is nothing special, but the contents are precious. With an eagerness that has sorely been lacking in recent years, I rip the dried, cracking tape off and go to lift the lid.
Ah, it smells like him. Placed on the top is an envelope marked “Open me first” and it rests on top of a gray Army sweatshirt. Pushing the envelope aside, I snatch the sweatshirt up and bury my face in it. His clean scent still faintly lingers in the fabric, and it’s just as I’ve remembered. Without conscious thought, I slip my head and arms in it, hugging it close to my body. It’s almost as if he’s here once again holding me tightly against him. I pause to embrace the feelings that I always had when I was with him: the love, the comfort, the joy. My quivering hands reach for the envelope, and carefully breaking the seal, I take out a letter. Seeing his messy scrawl across the paper, I laugh and remember all the times I teased him about his chicken scratch. Just the sight of it makes me eager to read what he’s written, and I carefully unfold the paper, his voice reading the words in my head.
My Beloved Wrynn,
If you’re reading this, then you know that I am not coming home this time. I know that your heart is shattered into a million pieces and scattered in the wind. As I write this, I am broken. I know the pain that you are in, because I am feeling it right now. I am so very thankful that God placed you in my life. You have always been the other half of my heart, and mere words could never say just how precious you are to me.
You have blessed me in so many ways, but I am most thankful for the gift of my girls. Please tell my Annie how very proud I am of her. She has your loving spirit, and limitless heart. She will remember me the most, so please help her keep those memories alive. My Bekah is so little, but she has your joyful spirit. I pray that her joy remains, and that she will remember our short time together. I grieve for never meeting my Maggie and the time that we will never have together. Tell her that I loved her before I even knew she existed.
Although I may not be with you physically, please know that I live on in the lives of our three beautiful girls. When you kiss them goodnight, my lips will touch yours. When you hold them close, my arms will embrace you. The wind in your hair will be my fingers running through it. The warmth of the sun will be my love shining down. Every moment of every day, I will be there with you and our girls.
Always know that I have loved you with an everlasting love that knows no end. It will reach the end of time. Now, dry your eyes, and know that this is not the end. I will see you again, but until then, keep living your life. Know that you have my blessing to search for happiness, to move forward, to live. Thank you so much for loving me and for sharing your life with me, for making me whole. You will always be my Wrynn. Until we meet again.
Yours forever,
Tripp
When I look up from the note, my eyes scan the shelf where the box has rested for the past three years. I see the small wooden box that overflows with my letters from Tripp when he was in Basic Training. His words to me in the beginning. Emotions swirl in my head, colliding in a giant explosion. My eyes scan the letter in my hands again and I start to feel faint. Reality hits me. These are the last words that I will ever receive from him. Waves of pain wash over my heart, memories flash through my mind, and grief bubbles up from deep in my soul, threatening to overtake me. I struggle to bear the weight of the burden, and crumble to the floor, holding the precious words of my soul mate, my beloved, to my chest. My heart is beating frantically as the tears flow and the truth that I despise begins seeping in. The certainty that he is gone settles with a harsh impact, clashing violently with the illusion that he will return. As that fantasy shatters into a million pieces, I fight to release the hold that yesterday has on me, but am in no way ready to embrace what tomorrow will bring.
I curl my body into a ball, and release all the hurt, the pain, the devastation of my loss, my shattered hopes, and dreams. I hear a noise at the back door, but my mind is so far entrenched in its battle that I don’t even attempt to get up from the floor. The sound of steps echo off the hardwood floors, and the vibration runs through my body. Someone is searching for me
, but I can’t find the energy to reply. A familiar voice calls out. “Wrynn, love, where are you?” Just as a firm knock sounds on the bedroom door, I lose the struggle to remain conscious.
Chapter Sixteen
Past
Tripp had passed Ranger School and finally received notice that he would be permanently stationed out of Fort Benning as part of the 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment shortly before Annie was born. The day he and our friends received their Ranger Tabs was a time of great pride, but also the beginning of a time of uncertainty. The unit that he was assigned to cycled through as a Rapid Deployment Force (RDF) unit, which in essence meant that their company was ‘Wheels Up’ within twenty-four of notification. In wife terms, that meant that Tripp had to be ready to drop everything and leave at a moment’s notice. Due to the nature of his missions, he didn’t know where he was going until he was en route, didn’t know when he would be home, and when he did return, he couldn’t tell me where he’d been or what he’d done. Hence, the time of uncertainty.
Life after Annie’s birth never once seemed to slow down. After taking a year off to spend with my little family, I decided to continue my classes at the local college, and in May 2005, I graduated with my Associates Degree in Early Childhood Education. At the time of my graduation ceremony, Tripp was once again on deployment, but Lori and Tiffany came to share the day with Annie, my family, and me. It was an amazing celebration, but with part of my heart missing, I caught myself feeling a little down at certain moments. As I looked at the amazing people that surrounded and supported me, the little gray cloud lifted away.
Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows) Page 20