by Jo Raven
Oh God. “Need you,” I whisper, unable to take this any longer, shaken that I really do need him, like no one ever before. “Please, Zane.”
“Are you ready for me?” he growls in my ear. His broad chest is pressed to my back so that I can feel his muscles shift against me. His fingers push inside me, stroking me, and I’m going to fall apart again soon. Too soon.
“Zane…” I start to twist around, but his other hand grips my hip in a steel vise. His fingers slip out of me.
“Stop,” he grunts. I can hear his ragged breathing at my back.
I freeze. “I want to see you.”
“No.” His breathing is irregular, fast. “Fuck… I need to do this my way. It’s this way or not at all. Do you understand?”
What’s going on? It’s hard to think when his hand moves between my legs again, teasing me. I want to tell him to stop, but my brain is shutting down, giving itself over to pleasure.
“Trust me.” He pants at my back, and something large nudges my throbbing entrance. “It will be good.”
But no matter how much I want him inside me, filling me all the way, no matter how badly I want him to come undone, to lose control—I also need to see him, see his face as he comes, see his body, see if it’s as I imagined it under the clothes.
Get closer.
“Please,” I whisper, my breath catching as the broad head of his erection prods at my entrance again. “Need to see you. Can’t do it otherwise. Please, Zane.”
“Fuck. Fuck!” He shifts behind me, drawing away. I hear the sounds of him standing up. “This won’t work.”
Shit. I twist around. “Why? I’m not asking anything strange. I need to see you.”
He suddenly grabs me around the waist and lifts me in his arms. One minute I’m on the floor, the next I’m thrown over his shoulder, and then I’m dumped on my ass on the sofa. Zane leans over me and slams his hands on the backrest, on either side of my head.
“Why can’t I say no to you?” he growls, his eyes burning black. “I should walk out. I shouldn’t fuck you. I shouldn’t touch you. But I can’t fucking stop.”
I want to ask him why he shouldn’t do all these things to me, but I’m speechless. In the golden light of the lamp, his ripped torso is a work of art—taut muscles, defined pecs, a six-pack to die for and colorful ink everywhere—skulls, spiders, flowers, wings and a huge oriental dragon. His small brown nipples are pierced with silver studs, and I want to touch them, see how sensitive they are.
But then my gaze trails lower, and I lose that train of thought, too. Whoa. His pants are open and riding low on his hips, his briefs pulled down, and his hard-on juts out, big and flushed, pointing up. He’s so much bigger than I thought, and that’s not all. On the fully exposed underside, his cock is pierced with a series of silver studs, like a ladder.
A Jacob’s Ladder. Holy shit.
“Still want me?” he drawls, and my gaze shoots back up to his face. His expression is unreadable, his dark eyes flat.
He needs to ask? He’s gorgeous, and my body aches with need.
I swallow hard and lick my lips. “Why didn’t you want me to turn?”
His eyes harden, but he doesn’t reply. I place a hand on his chest, over his heart. It’s racing under my palm.
He grips my wrist and pulls my hand away. “No touching.”
I blink. I feel as if I’ve stepped into the twilight zone. “What?”
“You won’t touch me.” He leans closer, bringing that impressive erection closer, and my mouth waters. I want to lick it, taste the tiny bead of moisture shimmering on the crown. “But I will touch you everywhere.”
I frown. Is this a game? I’ve touched him before. Hell, I’ve hugged him, and he didn’t complain. So what’s this about?
“Say yes,” he whispers.
“Yes,” I say, because I can’t help it. I can’t stand the thought of not doing it, of not feeling him inside me. Of him leaving. “Yes.”
His eyes close, and he lets out a long breath. A small vein in his jaw ticks rapidly. I wonder for a moment if he thought I’d refuse, if he really doesn’t want to go through with this. If he regrets this already and would rather go—but then he pulls the open condom foil from this pocket and kneels between my legs to pull it on.
Giving me more time to study him—the way his abs contract and ripple as he rolls the condom on his rock-hard erection, over the metal balls of his piercings, the way his beautiful mouth purses in concentration, the way the muscles shift in his strong arms, making his tattoos move and dance. His long lashes cast shadows on his broad cheekbones. With his tall blue crest of hair, he looks dangerous and beautiful, like a fairytale warrior.
Then he straightens and strokes his thumb down my center, making me shiver and shake. “You’re smoking hot,” he breathes, guiding the tip of his hard cock between my folds. With his other hand, he grabs my leg and wraps it around his back as he pushes into me. “Oh fuck.”
A moan rises in my throat as he opens me up, stretches and fills me up like no one else has ever done before. It’s pain and pleasure, the piercings stroking the deepest part of me, and I need to move. I reach for him, to wrap my arms around him, push our bodies flush together.
But he grips my hands and presses them into the backrest as he slides the last inches in. His lips are so close I feel his breath on my mouth, but when I lift my head to kiss him, he turns his face away and snaps his hips.
Pleasure slams into me, the sting of the rejection washed away in burning need. I rock my hips against him, the slide of his hard cock inside me taking my breath away.
A dark grin lifts a side of his mouth, and he thrusts into me again and again. Shadows flash through his uptilted eyes as he moves in and out of me, his hands pushing mine against the leather, holding me in place.
But I need more of him, so I lift my other leg, curling it around his thigh, drawing him deeper.
His movements falter. He groans deep in his throat, his lips parting, and his cock swells bigger inside me.
“Oh fuck,” he gasps and pulls out only to slam back, as deep as possible. He bends his head, his teeth grazing my neck. “Christ, Dakota. Oh shit…”
His breathless moans and curses are so sexy I clench around him, another orgasm starting in my core. I can feel it roll through me. It’s like an explosion in slow motion, blasting through me in soft, then harder waves, making me wrap my legs around him tighter and hold on for the ride. The waves come faster now, cresting, crashing, making my whole body tremble, and I cry out, lost.
I can’t remember sex ever being so good. I moan softly, my mind blown away, my body still quivering with pleasure.
He’s still rock hard inside me, and his eyes gleam, half-closed. He’s panting as harshly as I am, and his arms shake. I can feel the tremor in his hands holding mine against the leather.
“What do you need?” I whisper as he rolls his hips, my voice breaking on another sharp wave of pleasure. “Zane…”
With a grunt, he releases my hands and grabs the backrest so tightly muscles stand out in his arms and chest, and tendons strain in his neck. He draws out, then slams back into me, again, and again. Faster and faster, building up pressure inside me again. Too much. I can’t… He nuzzles my neck, sucks on it, and his chest rubs on my breasts.
Oh shit, this can’t be… I’m going to come again.
The pleasure burns through me, rips me apart. I scream as I break into a million pieces, and this time he breaks with me.
Chapter Seven
Zane
The pleasure ripping through me is off the fucking charts. My world goes white, the only sound the blood rushing in my ears, and she tightens and ripples around my dick, milking it. A shout catches in my throat. A strangled sound I don’t recognize leaves my lips as I come—and for the first time, someone sees me. Dakota looks right at me as I lose all control.
My cock jerks and twitches for what feels like ages, caught in her red-hot heat. My breath hisses out, catching and re
starting. Good, so fucking good, so much better than the momentary blanking out I get when I hook up with girls. I curse as another spasm goes through me. It feels as if I have fire in my veins, every part of me burning for her. Burning for more.
Her eyes are wide as I flex my hips again, drawing out the last aftershocks, the last drops of pleasure. Her legs tighten around me, holding me in place, and it’s so good. I allow myself to relax a fraction, enjoy this moment.
And it happens, as I feared. She reaches up, winds her arms around my back, her fingers splaying over the burn scars—and I lose it.
I completely lose my shit. Mindless terror grips me, stealing my breath, freezing my heart in my chest.
Oh shit, no.
“Shit,” I choke out and push her off. I stagger backward, pulling out of her in the process. “Told you not to fucking touch me. Told you… oh fuck.”
Darkness rolls over my eyes, blanking everything for a long moment. Fear engulfs me, dragging me down.
No, no, no.
There are hands on me, on my chest, on my back. Searing pain tears me apart. She calls my name, reaching for me, but I stumble back, plowing into the coffee table, upturning it. Vases and ashtrays crash to the floor, and the sound is distant.
Desperately, I pull my pants back up. I need to cover up, protect myself. My sight returns, but it’s distorted and blurry. The walls bend inward, turning gray. Bending over, I rub my eyes to clear them, but nothing happens.
My back hurts. Everything hurts, and fear is crushing my chest. It feels as if my ribs will break from the pressure. Taunting voices whisper in my ear.
‘You can take it, boy. You’re good at this.’
My eyes burn. My heart is slamming against my ribs. Where am I? What’s happening? I need to get out. I grab the next thing I find and hurl it through the suffocating fog. “Leave me alone!”
“Zane!” The hands grab my arms, shake me. My stomach turns, and I gag. I shake the touch off me and trip over something, falling into a side table. A lamp smashes to the floor, and I fall on the shards.
A figure looms over me, and I scramble backward, blinking furiously. The pressure in my chest turns into a sharp sting. The only sound I can hear is someone gasping as if drowning.
It takes me a moment to realize it’s me.
I kick the shards, make it somehow to my feet and locate the door. Time to get the hell out of this nightmare.
Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen.
***
I sit in my truck, hands clenched on the wheel, my forehead resting on them. The small cuts on my hands burn. The blurriness takes some time to clear, and the phantom pain in my body lingers.
Dammit. Hasn’t been this bad in a while. Haven’t had this flashback for more than a year, although the damn memory walks my dreams.
It’s an old one, hazy and unclear, but the terror it carries with it is a thousand times worse than the memory of almost drowning. Even now the images, the sensations flash through my head, making it swim, tensing my body, and turning my stomach.
Shit, I’m gonna be sick. Opening the door of the truck, I barely have the time to bend over outside before I’m throwing up the sandwich I had for lunch. The bile burns my throat, but at least after that, my stomach isn’t trying to climb its way up anymore.
Fucking hell. I wipe my mouth and close the door. I’m a mess. First the flashback at the park, then this. This. This should never have happened. It doesn’t happen when I control the situation. If the chick doesn’t like my rules, I dump her and go look for another.
Damn. Dakota. I can still taste her on my tongue, so sweet.
I screwed up. Shoving her like that against the sofa, eating her up, then demanding to fuck her on the floor, and then... Then giving in, doing it face-to-face when I should have known better. When I should have known she’d wind her arms around my neck. Chicks like that. And when her hands touched the naked skin of my back and the burn scars…
Christ. I went batshit in front of her. I knew this was gonna end in disaster. And I can’t lose her. Oh fuck, I can’t. I slam my hand on the steering wheel.
Get real, Zane. How can you lose someone you don’t really have?
Just because I’m obsessed with her doesn’t mean she gives a fuck. I mean, she wants me, that’s clear, but she still doesn’t know me.
And she never will. Jesus. What was I thinking?
Don’t get attached to her. Don’t you know any better? The more attached you grow to someone, the sooner they die. That’s Zane’s Law.
It’s like Murphy’s Law, only bloodier.
I rev up the engine and roll away. Driving around town may calm me down. My heart is still going uncomfortably fast, beating a tattoo into my ribcage.
This is it, I realize as I drive through the quiet streets of the suburbs. I tried to fuck Dakota out of my system.
And it didn’t work. Damn, why didn’t it work? The thought of fucking someone else, anyone else, makes me wanna puke again. The urge to turn the truck around and go back to her is like a physical pull in my chest.
What the hell’s wrong with me these days?
Not that she’ll want anything more to do with you anyway. Hell, she’s probably already running in the opposite direction.
Damn strange how bad the thought hurts.
I drive through the town, my motions mechanical, a headache throbbing at my temples. Could things get any worse? I can see Dakota’s frightened face in my memory, the way she cringed when I lost my shit.
A memory of breaking things has me gripping the wheel harder. I’ll have to call Tessa and offer to pay for it. Crap, that’s all I need right now. As if Dakota knowing I’m certifiable isn’t enough. As if I can afford more damage. If I don’t find a roomie soon, I won’t be able to afford the apartment. I’ll have to move out.
Lose everything. Lose all that’s kept me sane so far.
I suck on the barbell in my tongue to the point of pain. The pressure is back in my chest. Don’t know what to do with myself. Haven’t done drugs in years, but the way my skin feels, stretched too tight over my bones, I sure wish I still knew a dealer.
Emma wouldn’t like that. Emma, who dragged me away from that shit, and forced me to decide what was important in my life. Taught me how to move past the memories and live in the now.
The now—where she’s dying. Where my world is crumpling around me. Where I’m back to square one. No, worse: where I’m down to my last fucking thread of sanity, because I’ve held hope in my hands and lost it.
***
The bartender has stopped giving me dirty looks and pours me another shot without much prompting.
He’s given up on me. He’s not the first or the last one.
I’m on a bender, on my own, again. Not that they guys haven’t tried to get me to go out with them. I think Asher is getting royally pissed off with me, and Erin is trying to guilt me into meeting with her and Tyler, even going as far as to mention Jax, her little son, saying he wants to see me.
Christ. I can’t meet them. Don’t wanna meet anyone. They’ll try to make me talk, and talking is the last thing I need right now. If I talk, I have to think, and if I think, I have to remember… remember that it’s all falling apart.
I drink and pretend I can go back to where I was before my world went to shit.
So this is how I find myself crawling into my truck on Saturday morning with a hangover from hell to drive to the hospital in Zion. I knock back a couple aspirin, dry, and stop to buy an extra-large coffee as I head out of town. The pounding in my head is deafening, so I crank up the music until the whole truck vibrates with the bass, and I can feel it in my chest, like an extra heartbeat.
The three hours of sleep I got aren’t doing much for me as I fall out of my truck and almost land on my ass in the parking lot of the hospital. Great. Just what Emma and Matt need: a guy drunk off his ass, barely able to function, let alone help.
“Zane.” Matt is standing outside Emma’s room, arms folded
over his chest, his face haggard. It’s as if he’s the one who’s sick. I wonder if I look that way, too. We’re Emma’s mirrors.
“You okay, man?” Matt gives me a once-over as I walk unsteadily to the door and peer inside. “She’s asleep.”
“I’m fine.” I stare at her small face, relaxed in sleep, then at all the tubes and machines around her, and I want to puke again, only I don’t think there’s anything left in my stomach. “Fucking fine.”
Matt nods. I don’t ask him if he’s okay. What’s the use? Why would I assume he feels anything else but despair and rage and fear? Anything else but what I feel? He loves Emma. They have kids together.
“I’m going to grab a coffee,” I say. “Want some?”
And that’s when he seizes my arm and says the words I’ve been trying to avoid for weeks. “We need to talk.”
***
We sit in the small cafeteria of the hospital. The coffee tastes like piss, but I down it anyway, hoping to clear my head.
Turns out Matt doesn’t expect me to say anything, which is just as well, since my brain is down to basic functions. As he talks, even that small part shuts down. He’s talking, and I’m staring at him. I hear snatches of sentences, words that make no sense.
And then they do.
‘Tumors have spread. Organs are failing. Won’t be long. Nothing they can do.’
“No,” I whisper. “Shut up.”
“Zane. I’m only trying to prepare you, man. I got the whole talk. I’m trying to condense it here for you. I just—”
“Shut up. Shut the fuck up! Fuck you.” I push my chair back, and distantly I hear it crash to the floor. Blindly I turn to go, get away. Another door, another attempt to escape.
What a fucking joke.
I stumble out into the parking lot. Matt calls my name, but I need a minute. Hell, I need a year. What does that mean, there’s nothing they can do? All this equipment, drugs, machines, trained doctors. Specialists. You hear about people saved and healed every day. You don’t hear about those who don’t make it.
Emma has to make it. She has to.