"Yeah?"
"Am I still a virgin?"
"Huh. Hard question. Is it coming in company or actual boning that trips the virgin meter?" From the laugh in his voice, he was more amused than Ash was by this turn of events.
Finished, Ash got up to come back -- then stopped, and stood swaying beside the fire in shock.
That rustling had been Kieran disrobing. He was sitting up, his hair spilling over his bare chest, the blanket riding low enough on his hips to prove that it was the only thing covering him. He gave Ash a wicked grin.
"Figure we better make sure," Kieran said.
Ash trembled as he knelt on the edge of the bedroll. He picked at his shirt buttons, unable to take his eyes off Kieran. Kieran laughed and pushed his hands away, began methodically undressing him. Not a speck of embarrassment.
Of course he hasn't any shame. He's done this for money. I might fear it meant as little now, if not for the way he said my name -- the way he's looking at me -- Ash swallowed hard as Kieran pushed the shirt from his shoulders with warm, scratchy hands. "When you say -- make sure -do you mean --?" Ash gulped, unable to finish.
"Do I mean what, treasure?"
Nearly undone by this new term of endearment, Ash could hardly force himself to speak. "Do you mean, um. You know. Intercourse."
Kieran looked startled, then flashed a grin. "Only if you want to."
"It sounds rather unhygienic."
"It isn't really. But it's up to you."
"And possibly painful."
The laughter stopped. Kieran blinked at him, hands frozen on the second button of his trousers.
Terrified that he'd ruined everything, Ash begged, "Forgive me if I said something wrong. What did I say?"
Thoughtfully, Kieran let go and sat back, watched him with tilted head, eyes clear and mild under thick black lashes. For a long, still moment he stared. Then his lips quirked in an ironic smile. "It never occurred to me that you might want me to fuck you. No one -- they all -- I guess they wanted to see me on my knees. Pretend they tamed me."
"It would be a lie."
"Yeah. It would."
"I'm not everyone."
"Ashes, I will do whatever you want, or if you want to stop we can, I just want your first time to be what you hoped for. Damn it, I sound fucking moronic. What I'm trying to say is, this is for you, okay?"
"What I hoped for," Ash echoed. He set a hand on Kieran's chest, felt the pounding of his heart.
Made a decision: he was afraid, but he needed to be connected. "It doesn't sound crude when you say it, but it feels... weird... in my mind. In my voice in my head." He sighed as Kieran's arms scooped him in closer, then took a sharp breath at what he felt beneath the covers.
"Go ahead and be weird then," Kieran murmured.
His voice came out as a tiny whisper, but he said it: "Please fuck me."
Kieran replied by drowning him in a kiss. Finished stripping him with a few efficient movements. Rolled them both in the blanket, nothing between them, skin on skin, amazing -- all tenderness now -- long slow kisses, warm dry friction of hands exploring. After sweet ages of this, when Ash was gasping hoarse breaths and could hardly see for the spinning in his head, Kieran let go and rolled away to dig in one of the packs. Came back with the tin of cooking oil.
Chuckled at the look on Ash's face.
"You look like you're changing your mind."
"No," Ash said, though his voice was shaky. "Still want it."
And he did, he knew he did, but he still wasn't quite ready for the sensation of oiled fingers teasing at him. He felt his eyes go big as saucers, locked onto Kieran's steady gaze and slight smile. Kieran didn't seem to think this was disgusting, or in any way shameful. It felt weird, definitely, but not bad, and it didn't hurt. Ash began to think he might rather enjoy the physical part of this connection -- and then Kieran touched something inside him that sent a scalding wave through him, and his cry was as much shock as pleasure.
Kieran whispered against his cheek: "You didn't think it would feel this good, did you?"
"Ah god -- no, I didn't expect it to -- to feel good at all."
The whisper moved to his ear. "You thought you were making a sacrifice?" Teeth in his earlobe, steely arm around his waist, and the red wave came again, forcing a wild groan out of him. He couldn't answer. Words were gone. When the fingers were withdrawn, he whimpered a protest, distantly shocked at how wanton he sounded. As Kieran lifted his knees, a tiny remnant of his civilized sensibilities chattered at him in horror, just for a moment, knowing the disgust society had for this. But the rest of him was unanimous: This is exactly right. It's everyone else that's wrong.
More whispers. "Relax as much as you can. This might sting a little." Breath from the words vibrated his skin, and he couldn't explain that he didn't give half a damn for 'sting a little', he wanted it now dammit, every atom in his body was hungry for it. When Kieran pushed at him, too tentative, too careful, he pushed back. Grabbed handfuls of Kieran's yard-long hair and pulled. He felt Kieran's pleased surprise. Then a shudder of hot sweetness, a hundred times better than before. He felt stretched, but that small twinge couldn't compete. Kieran overwhelmed him.
His empathy opened to a new level, all at once, and he could no longer tell which feelings were Kieran's and which his own, marvelous confusion, a flood of fire and diamonds.
Holding him tightly, Kieran began a tide-slow rhythm, shaking from the effort of being so gentle.
Ash's incoherent cries begged him to stop holding back, just go, harder faster, pound me to powder, I can't take this -- but Kieran refused. Almost-kissing, lips just touching, he breathed shudderingly into Ash's mouth, eyes half open, feasting on Ash's desperation.
Ash finally managed to sob out his name. "Kai, ah Kai please --"
"My Ashes, treasure, precious, wonder -- ediyana, kii aveh, kini, inai --"
The string of endearments was too much, and when Kieran lapsed into Iavaian, Ash could no longer bear it. This time was far more intense; started deeper, peaked higher, blew every nerve like a blasting charge, destroyed him utterly. And just as the white fire began to recede, Kieran let go restraint and thumped hard into him with a groaning cry, which brought Ash, impossibly, to a second peak. Mind ended. Self was gone.
The world slowly reassembled. They moved apart a little to lie side by side, only half embracing, heads leaning together with foreheads touching, as if they could pass thoughts back and forth that way. Damp skin cooled. Kieran pulled up the blanket with clumsy movements. Ash finally found a word:
"Sticky. Ek."
A breathless chuckle from Kieran. "Yeah, that happens." Several seconds later, he went on, "Was that what you wanted?"
"How could I have known to want that?" Squirming closer, Ash pushed his fingers into the heavy mass of Kieran's hair, scratching lightly. This brought a happy noise from Kieran, so he went on doing it. "I had no idea anything could be so good."
"Mm. Glad."
"I just wanted to be as close to you as possible."
"Heh. That was about it."
"Yeah." There didn't seem to be much else to say. Despite stickiness, Ash was nodding off. He was too happy to move. He just barely managed to keep his hand going through Kieran's hair, since he could feel how much Kieran liked that. Just before he lost even that volition, he remembered one more thing he wanted to say. "I love you. I love you so much."
Kieran's answer was a faint snore. He hadn't heard.
That's all right, Ash thought. Next time I'll say it before he falls asleep. Content in this resolution, he let go of consciousness as well.
Chapter Eighteen
His temple was in a deep cave from which a spring ran, and there the leaders of the people came to dream prophetic dreams. They brought sacrifice of smoke and song; or, if their need was great, blood and bone. Sometimes he gave them oracles. Sometimes he ignored them. They were his to do with as he pleased.
Ka'an, they called to him, Dreamer, king of storm and dark
ness, bright-eyed, keeper of secrets, hear us, answer our prayers.
They brought forth the offering. The sacrifice stumbled dazed to the spring and lay himself down, staring, eyes like circles of blue paper. Drugged, or drunk with lust. His cheeks were flushed, breath shallow, and when the knife went in his cry was one of ecstasy.
And the prophecy came, and it was this:
All we know is a lie, and the time of liars is ending.
All we know is fear, and the time for cruelty has come.
All we know is a dream, and it is time to wake.
They backed away, shaking their heads. They did not want this oracle. But the eyes of the sacrifice shone, and his blood-filled mouth moved with words:
"Kieran, wake up now."
Colors smeared; meaning fled.
"Kieran. Come on. I'm not going to shake you, you'd probably punch me, but I really don't fancy the idea of those Watch bastards sneaking up on us while you snore."
The images sank into the darkness behind his eyes; he opened them to predawn indigo. Ash was squatting a few feet away, dressed, hands dangling over his knees, talking in a near-whisper.
"Yes, it's early, but for all we know they're early risers, and we probably want the camp packed up just in case, right? I made coffee. Do I need to wave it under your nose?"
"I'm awake," Kieran said, which made Ash start a bit. "Didn't you see my eyes are open?"
"I can't see a damn thing," Ash admitted.
Kieran sat up, knuckling his eyes. "Since when do you get up before me?"
"Since I slept like a stone for maybe four hours and then popped awake. I feel pretty rested, actually. Found a snake in my boot."
"Really? I didn't hear you screaming." Kieran grinned as he got the sand out of his clothes and himself into them.
"Jackass," Ash said affectionately.
"Oh, before you put it on." Yawning, Kieran shook out his own boots, but discovered no interesting creatures. "Did you say I was snoring?"
"Like a sawmill."
"You're a big fat liar." Joking around. Suddenly wondered if Ash maybe couldn't tell, would be offended; but the redhead -- sweet boy, edeime to him now and oh it was good to remember --gave an easy laugh.
"There was a sound coming out of you. For lack of a better word --"
"Do I always do that?"
"No, just sometimes. It's cute."
Kieran chuckled as he finished buckling his boots. "I've been called a lot of things, but -- I can't believe you said cute."
"It is. You are. I have the courage to speak the truth."
"Well, imagine that. All these years folks been shitting their britches 'cause I looked at 'em funny, and the whole time I was cute as a bug. They just failed to recognize it." He snapped his coat like a flag, dislodging a large spider and several beetles, and put it on. "Where's my scarf thing? Thanks." Not bothering with a comb, though he knew he'd pay for it in matted tangles later, he tied his hair back under the kerchief. He was too nervous now to spend time combing his hair, knowing what was coming. "You coming upstairs with me? You can wait here if you want. Safer down here."
Ash had begun rolling up the blankets, but now he sat back on his heels and shoved his hands through his hair. Looked like he'd combed his. The blood-ochre mop was brushing his shoulders, Kieran noticed, long enough to tie back. "No, I'll come with you. I don't really feel like wondering what's going on."
"Suit yourself." Trying not to show his relief.
By the time they'd eaten breakfast and packed up camp, the sky was flushed yellow-white with dawn. Kieran insisted on leaving the horses saddled and loaded, just in case. Then he pointed Ash at the cliff. "You go first."
"Ha ha very funny."
"Fine. You want rocks falling on your head and nobody to catch you, that's your business."
"Hang on. Okay, I'll go first. But no laughing." Ash went to the rock wall and craned his neck up at it, rubbing his hands together. "Right. Climbing."
"You got up that wall at Churchrock."
"I have no clue how I did that."
"Time's a-wasting, kid."
"Keep your knickers on, I'm going." Ash picked a handhold low enough that Kieran wouldn't have bothered with it, spidered his pale fingers around it, and began hauling himself up. Kieran watched with arms crossed, biting back unhelpful comments. When Ash was about fifteen feet up, Kieran started his own climb. It was a chore to go slow enough that he didn't end up climbing right past Ash. He wasn't sure he could be any use if Ash fell; pebbles bounced off his head.
Halfway up, he realized he was in a better mood than he'd been in for just about as long as he could remember.
Above him, Ash had stalled out. Kieran moved up beside him to point out a hold. Ash smiled thanks before moving on, and Kieran smiled back without reservation. You're not enjoying yourself, are you? his inner voice mocked. If you're not careful, he's going to make you happy.
Quick, find something to be bitter about!
Well, he answered himself, there's the fact that I'm probably not good enough to keep him alive much longer. I dreamed him dead again, even if it wasn't me who killed him this time. If we hit serious trouble, and he can't fight, I'm going to have a hard time protecting him.
What happened to 'I'm not going to stick my neck out for you,' then? Oh, you're a hardass all right, Trevarde. You just can't wait for a chance to play big strong hero. Has it crossed your mind that picking these guys off from cover might not impress him? Maybe you should go down and stand in the road, give them a little morality speech before you kill them.
Even this only made him grin at himself. He was just plain happy, and he couldn't wreck it for trying.
At the top, Ash was sitting around picking pebbles out of his palms, but he jumped up gamely enough when Kieran beckoned. It was about a quarter mile to the place Kieran was thinking of.
The way was rough; ground that looked flat from a distance but up close turned out to be made up of cracks, wobbly rocks, and ankle-twisting holes full of deceptively solid-looking sand. Ash started to crouch as they neared the edge, but Kieran walked upright and stood looking down on the road.
"No need to sneak," he said. "We'll see their dust half an hour before we see them."
"What if they don't come?"
"What else are they going to do? Go home and say they had a lead but didn't feel like following it?"
"No, I mean, what if they're doing something different? Took a train to Canyon to wait for us, maybe. Or maybe they have some other options. I'm just trying not to get stuck on the one plan."
"Huh." Kieran sat crosslegged near the edge, still looking down the road toward where he expected the enemy to come from. "Well, you think about it. But I don't think they're scared of us. We might have Talents, but mine's untrained and yours is useless in a fight, so I don't see the Watch being real nervous about us. Them knowing pattern magic and so forth. I'm betting they'll come straight at us."
Ash didn't speak for a while; he made himself comfortable on a bit of hard-packed dirt, watching Kieran set out boxes of bullets and begin loading magazines. After a few minutes, he picked up a loaded clip and examined it, popped the top bullet out and pushed it back in. "You have strong thumbs," he commented as he put the clip down.
"You got your gun?"
"You realize I probably couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. For one thing, these glasses are a bit weak." Nevertheless he produced the revolver Kieran had given him, acting a lot less nervous about it than before he'd robbed someone with it. He turned it over thoughtfully in his hands, then surprised Kieran by taking a bullet from the box and loading it into the cylinder's one empty slot almost as smoothly as Kieran would have.
"Hey. You've been practicing while I was sleeping."
"Nope."
"Day before yesterday you were all --" Kieran dangled his own gun from two fingers, pretending to be afraid of it. "Oh help me, it's a deadly weapon!"
"I've been thinking about what you said. It's a machine. I get
machines. Hell, I've studied diagrams of various different types of guns, I know how to make gunpowder, so it's --"
"Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"You know how to make gunpowder?"
"Black powder's not difficult. The modern stuff, what's in these, you need some chemicals that are hard to get legally. But yeah."
"I'm impressed."
Ash glowed. "Well, thank you. But I was saying -- if I know how something works, there's no point me being scared of it. Right?"
The God Eaters Page 28