"I can't stop wondering what Mom and Dad would have thought if they knew I was gay before they were killed by that drunk driver. Would they be disappointed? Did they suspect it? I don't have answers to those questions, but I'm afraid they wouldn't approve of who I really am," Cameron confessed.
"They loved you, Cam. They would have accepted you for who you are and wanted you to be happy," I told him.
"And do you think they would want this for you? Hiding away, avoiding real connections to people?" he fired back.
"It isn't the same and you know it. I can't bring my baggage into Reed's life," I argued.
"Ah, so you admit you do want him," Cameron said triumphantly.
I paced back and forth. "Of course I want him. Why wouldn't I? He's smart, kind, strong and unbelievably sexy. He's so much different than John," I admitted.
Cameron grabbed my elbow. "Would you stop pacing? You're making me dizzy."
I forced myself to sit down on his small sofa.
Cameron sat next to me. "Then why are you avoiding him?"
"I think it's for the best. You of all people know what can happen to people close to me. People I care about get hurt," I reminded him.
"Kate, I know I'd be wasting my breath if I told you to stop punishing yourself for what happened to me. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. But, Reed isn't me. He isn't a scrawny nineteen-year-old. He's a cop. He can certainly protect himself, and you if necessary. Look what he did for Aiden and Becca."
"I know, logically, but I can't risk anyone else. I can't risk him," I whispered.
"You'd rather lose him then?" he said, pointing out the obvious.
"I don't see another choice. Besides he's super pissed at me," I said.
"No, he's hurt. He's been carrying a torch for you for the better part of a year. I know exactly how he feels. Every time I see Jeremy talk to another guy I want to beat something. But, I think I've pushed him away too many times. Now it seems like he has something going on with Toni. I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid," Cameron confided.
"Toni has an on-again off-again drama going with some guy from her home town. Jeremy is a huge flirt, and I think they comfort each other."
"I'm not sure it's just Jeremy being a flirt. I think he's a little confused. He never experimented with girls, and I'm not sure he isn't a little curious. I know that makes me a hypocrite. It isn't that I want to live a lie, but being all the way out scares me. There are so many closed minded people out there. I don't want to live always looking over my shoulder," Cameron admitted.
"I know the feeling," I sighed. God, did I ever.
Chapter 8
Reed
Thin beams of light slipped through my fake wood blinds. Each one pierced through my eyelids like needles. A rock band took up residence in my head, and my ears rang. I pulled my pillow over my head, but the ringing continued. I realized that the ringing wasn't inside my ears, but coming from my phone.
I slapped around the top of my dresser blindly hunting for my phone. "Hello," I grumbled.
"Hey, Martin, sorry to bother you at home," Daniels, one of the detectives I work with, said. We usually went by our last names at work. It was second nature to me now after my years in the military. Sometimes, with my friends in the Army, we used first names or nicknames when we were off duty, but Daniels was never off duty.
I sat up and looked at my alarm clock. It was after eleven. I never slept this late. "It's fine," I replied trying to sound less hung over.
"A patrol car pulled over Katelyn Kennedy today for a broken taillight," Detective Daniels said.
"Why are you calling me about it? Actually, why are you even looking into something so minor?" I asked Daniels.
"I'm not. Officer Pratt got some bug up his ass when he ran her license and won't stop spouting conspiracy theories. I remembered you two were friendly after your shooting, and I thought I should give someone a heads up. You know how that guy is," he said.
"Thanks man. I appreciate it. Let me know if he won't let it go," I said.
Daniels huffed out a breath. "You know he won't. Remember when he investigated his neighbors because he thought they were illegal? They were from freaking California, and didn't have an accent."
"Didn't he get reprimanded for that?" I asked, trying to remember.
"Yeah, but it hasn't seemed to have stopped him from digging in to something when he thinks he's going to make a name for himself," Daniels answered.
"The only name he's making for himself is dumbass," I replied.
"Everyone knows that, except for Pratt," Daniels agreed.
I forced myself out of bed and stood under the shower for a very long time. Once I felt slightly more human I toweled off and got dressed. I wasn't entirely comfortable going to talk to Kate about what Daniels told me, but I had a sick feeling she needed to know she was being investigated, even unofficially.
The drive to Toni and Kate's house only took minutes, of course you could walk almost everywhere in town in under fifteen minutes.
I raised my hand to knock, and hesitated. I wasn't looking forward to seeing either of them after last night. Toni peeked out the window and opened the door before I worked up the courage to knock.
"Is Kate here?" I asked, and walked into their living room.
"Kate," Toni hollered from the front door.
Kate walked into the room and froze when she saw me. "Hi, Reed," she greeted hesitantly.
"Can I talk to you alone?" I asked her.
"Say no more. I've got places to go anyway," Toni said, grabbing her keys off the hook.
When she left I turned back to Kate. "You were pulled over today?"
Fear flashed in her eyes for a moment, and was quickly replaced by anger. "Have you been checking up on me?"
I dropped down to her couch. My head was pounding, and dealing with her paranoia wasn't making it any better. "Don't flip me any shit, okay? I would much rather have stayed in bed until my head stopped pounding. No, I'm not checking up on you. I told you I'd leave you alone. But a friend of mine called me today to tell me that the officer that pulled you over is overly curious about something he found when he ran your license today."
I'd done my good deed, and passed on the message. I was done acting like a pussy for this girl. If she didn't want me, fine. I'd find someone who did. I could fake it until I felt it. It was probably a stupid plan, but no worse than allowing this stupid infatuation with her to linger.
I stood up, ready to leave, when I happened to look over at her. Kate's hand was in front of her mouth, and she was trembling. "Shit. What does that mean?" she asked in a wavering voice.
I groaned. Why couldn't I just walk away? She had Cameron to hold her together. But walking away from Kate was a skill I'd yet to master. "I don't know, Kate. You aren't exactly the most open person. I know you're hiding something. I'd like to think I've gotten to know you well enough to know that whatever it is you have a damn good reason."
"I'm not hiding anything," she said and looking at the ground.
"If that's how you want to play this," I said, and turned once again to leave.
"Reed," she said in a pleading voice.
I looked straight in her deep brown eyes, willing her to believe me. "You can trust me, Kate, whatever it is."
She didn't respond. I nodded and turned away.
"Wait. You're right there is something, but I don't want to talk about it," she said, chewing on her bottom lip.
"You aren't running from the law are you?" I asked.
She shook her head no.
"I believe you. If you need me, you know where to find me," I said and finally walked out.
Chapter 9
Reed
I don't know why I let myself keep getting sucked in by her. Sure she's beautiful, tall and thin, but still curvy. Her thick blonde hair fell past her shoulders. She has large brown eyes that betrayed all of her emotions. But there are lots of beautiful women in town. Why was I so hung up on the one woman that wanted nothing to do w
ith me?
I punched the steering wheel of my car before turning over the engine. I drove past my house and headed to a coffee shop away from the campus. I just wanted to get lost in a crowd and clear my head.
I ordered a black coffee and pretended to examine the local art on the walls. It all seemed to be either sunrises or sunsets over the Manashtash, and with the asking prices it was no wonder they were still here.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar face. Sally Jenkins was basically my high school sweetheart. We dated senior year until a month before graduation. She headed to the University of Washington, and I joined the Army. I ran into her from time to time over the years since graduation. In a town the size of Ellensburg it was inevitable.
She smiled at me, and I took it as a sign to go and chat. I set my coffee down at her table and took the seat across from her. "In town to visit your parents?" I asked, making small talk.
Sally shook her head and her smile grew. "No, I moved back a few days ago. I finished my internship at a law firm in Seattle, and I really wanted to leave the city."
"I bet your parents are happy about that," I replied, keeping the conversation going.
"They are, and they worry less now that I'm back home," she replied with an eye roll.
"It's their job to worry about you," I said. I played with my empty coffee cup. I didn't have that euphoric and slightly seasick feeling I got when I was around Kate, but Sally was beautiful and smart. It was time to test the theory that the best way to get over Kate was to start living my life again. Last night with Jacqui was a bad idea, but I'd had feelings for Sally once. I was sure I could find those feelings again.
Even better, Sally was Kate's opposite. She wore her dark hair in a chin length bob. Her eyes were a crystal blue, instead of a warm earthy brown. Her skin was lightly tanned, and she was petite at about five foot three.
"I have a problem. We've known each other for years, and you're from here, so I can't offer to show you around town. What pretense am I supposed to use to get your number?" I asked.
"You could just ask for it," she replied.
"The direct approach. Gotta love a classic. Sally, can I please have your number?" I asked handing her my phone.
She took it and started to enter her number and paused. "I'll give it to you on one condition."
"What is it?" I asked.
"My condition is that you promise not to play the 'wait three days before calling' game," she said.
"I promise," I said and crossed my heart.
"Goofball," she laughed, "Seriously, if you wait three days I'm not going to answer."
She finished keying in her number and handed me back my phone. I hit her number and stared at her waiting for her to answer.
"I called," I said into my phone. Sally shook her head at me and hung up.
"Doesn't count, pretty boy."
"Gah, don't resurrect that nickname," I begged.
She giggled. Usually giggling girls annoyed me, but from Sally it seemed cute.
"We'll see. I'm glad I ran into you, but I have to go. My parents are taking me furniture shopping. It's time to lose the college furniture and live like a real lawyer, or so my dad went on and on about last night."
"Movie tonight?" I asked.
She smiled again. It was nice to have a woman smile at me and have it reach her eyes.
"Sure. I'll text you my address," she said before leaving the coffee shop.
A little bit of guilt tried to wiggle in, but I shut it out. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I meant what I said to Kate. If she needed me I would be there for her, but I wouldn't torture myself anymore in the process.
Chapter 10
Kate
It had been three weeks since Reed told me that the cop that pulled me over was unofficially investigating me. Every sound, every passing car, and every time my phone rang made me jump. The fear almost distracted me from the fact that it'd been weeks since Reed had been around.
I peeked out the window in the living room.
"Should I be worried?" Toni asked catching me indulging my paranoia.
"Huh?" I let the blinds fall back, "No, I thought I heard something, but it was just the wind."
Toni shrugged. She never pushed. I loved that about her. I knew that she noticed everything, but she never made me discuss anything she observed.
"When was the last time you got out of this house?" Toni asked.
I flopped down on the couch and kicked off my ugly, but super comfortable mules I always wore to work. I gestured to the scrubs I was still wearing. "I wasn't exactly hanging out in my bedroom all night."
"Work and school doesn't count. Think hard, when have you been out socially since the night I drug you out to the Pub?" Toni demanded.
"I...hmm...I guess I haven't. But come on, Toni. I'm a nurse, overtime comes with the territory," I answered.
Toni placed her hands on her hips and her forehead crinkled in confusion. "Why exactly do you want to become a doctor? The hours are going to be worse. You'll have to do a residency where you could be working for days at a time with little sleep. I know you don't want a relationship right now, but don't you want to have a family someday? How are you going to do that and work even more than you do now?"
"What difference does it make? Some people are lucky, they find that one person out of everyone that makes their heart race, like Becca and Aiden. I always end up with the wrong guy. I'm not interested in settling," I said.
"You had the right guy in front of you for the better part of a year, doing everything he could to get your attention. I saw how you were around Reed. Tell me your heart didn't beat faster every time you saw him," Toni challenged.
"It doesn't matter anymore. Becca said he's seeing some old girlfriend from high school. They've been together almost constantly for weeks. I heard Aiden tell Jeremy that he's never seen him this happy. And I'm glad he's happy. It proves that he wasn't the one for me," I argued.
"Yeah, Reed moved on after you ditched him and ignored him for a week. Did you think a man that hot would sit around waiting on you forever?" Toni snapped.
"No. I'll admit that I had feelings for him, but it's much better for Reed to forget about me," I replied.
"Why do you do this to yourself? Are you not allowed to be happy?" she demanded.
"Not if it means making someone else's life miserable. Trust me, the only result from being with me would be misery," I answered.
Toni shook her head at me, and tugged at the end of her hair. "Is your opinion of yourself that low?"
I actually had pretty high self-esteem. It took some therapy to get there, but I liked myself. I knew I was smart, reasonably attractive, and generally a good person. Bad shit still happened to good people, and it seemed to follow me wherever I went. I knew what horrors hid in the shadows, and I wanted to protect the people I cared about from confronting them too. I hadn't been able to help Cameron, but I'd be damned if anyone else would suffer because of a dumb decision I made as a teenager.
I didn't want Toni getting too close to the truth. I needed to be the Kate Kennedy that they knew. It was comfortable, and it was safer for all of us. As long as the past was left where it belonged. The one thing I didn't like about myself was that when I felt threatened I lashed out.
"What about your self-esteem?" I said, peering at her through angrily narrowed eyes. "Yeah, I pushed away a decent guy. I have my reasons. But what reason do you have to continue to go back to a guy that disappears whenever he gets bored? You let Miguel come and go as he pleases. He uses you and you let him, over and over again."
Toni's eyes flashed with anger. I felt bad for being that blunt with the truth, but I needed her to back off.
"This isn't about my relationship with Miguel. I know it's totally fucked, okay? I don't know why I go back to him. I get it. You want to talk about what happened with Reed as much as I want to talk about Miguel. I'll just go to my room," she said, depression resonating in her voice.
"Toni
, wait," I begged. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that. I'm a bitch when I feel cornered. I know there is a lot that I don't tell you, but I do tell you and Becca more than I've ever shared with anyone."
"Not Cameron," Toni pointed out.
"Well he hardly counts. We shared a womb, so secrets come easily," I dismissed.
"What do you say I go and shower really fast, and we go out to that café that you love for cheesecake?" I offered. I watched as Toni considered my offer.
"Yeah, screw guys. Maybe you have the right idea. We don't need them, and let's face it we aren't Becca. There isn't an Aiden of my own in the future. All I get are some sweaty and very confusing encounters with his gay best friend."
"Oh, this I have to hear about. I know my brother has a thing for Jeremy, but that man is too beautiful not to drool over," I said dramatically fanning myself.
Toni picked up one of our decorative couch pillows and smacked me in the head. "I can't believe you of all people just said that!" she squealed.
"Oh come on. I might be a bit of a prude, but I'm not dead. Have you really, you know, with Jeremy?" I asked.
"You can't even say it!" she laughed. "To answer your question, we haven't had sex. We did get pretty shit faced one night and Jeremy said he was a little curious about what it would be like to be with a woman. Before I knew it I had offered myself up for experimentation. We haven't really hooked up since then, but we flirt. I'm not sure if it did anything for him or not."
"I want to hear more of this story, but after the cheesecake is in front of me. I'll be quick I promise," I said and headed toward the bathroom. "Damn it, I forgot I had to buy new shampoo today, and I left it in my car," I said slipping back into my ugly shoes.
"I don't understand why you don't just use mine," Toni said.
I held up a lock of my hair to illustrate the difference between her espresso colored hair and my golden tresses. "You use that color enhancing shampoo. I'd prefer to stay a blonde."
I opened the front door and nearly tripped over a long white box. I grabbed it on my way back from my car. I locked the front door out of habit and searched the outside of the box for a card.
Destroy Me Page 4