by Nick Harrow
The woman who faced me wasn’t as tall as I was, but she looked far fiercer than the orc I’d turned my back on. She had a mane of golden hair tied up into a high ponytail with a leather cord. Her eyes were blazing sparks of sapphire blue that glowed with a fierce inner fire. The nub of her nose sat above a wide mouth framed by lush, dark lips and filled with even, white teeth that looked like they could bite through steel.
She wore no clothes, but bands of chitin crisscrossed her breasts and groin like the skinniest, sexiest built-in bikini. Another band of chitin covered her left forearm like a narrow shield, and she clutched a massive forked spear in her right fist.
But her most striking feature was the enormous scorpion’s tail that jutted from her back and thrashed behind her. A half-dozen spiked, chitinous legs supported her deadly appendage, and its needle-sharp tip dripped something sticky and green.
“Hey,” I shouted in surprise. “You’re the scorpion lady from the engraving in my tomb!”
Her sapphire eyes narrowed, and her ponytail whipped from side to side as she shook her head.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she snapped. “And you do not look like a dungeon lord I wish to serve.”
“What is it with all you monsters being so uppity?” I asked. “I’ve got ka to spend. You don’t get a choice in the matter.”
“I am no common monster,” Zillah snapped. “I am a named creature with a will of my own. You may attempt to summon me to your dungeon, but there is no guarantee it will work. Then you will have wasted all that ka for nothing.”
What the hell? There was a lot more to this unique monster business than I knew, and I needed to figure it out, fast, before I burned up all of my ka on a fool’s errand.
“But it will definitely work if you want to serve me?” I asked.
“If I wanted such a thing, of course,” Zillah said. “But what makes you think you can make me want you?”
This was turning into the worst Tinder date ever.
“I can offer you a steady diet of raiders,” I said. “And a cut of the treasure we loot from them. Gems, jewels, other shiny stuff. Interested?”
“Intrigued,” she admitted. She braced herself on her forked spear and leaned forward. I’d never seen a woman like this before, but I certainly liked what I saw of this one. “But I can’t serve a dungeon lord who can’t best me. I do not wish to carry my master. It would be unseemly.”
I raised my khopesh and wiggled my eyebrows.
“You sure about that?” I asked. “Because this sword cuts through people like nobody’s business.”
“Is that a challenge?” Zillah asked. “Because I’m more than game if you are. Choose wisely, dungeon lord. I will not go easy on you. I hunger.”
I eyeballed the sexy scorpion girl as I weighed her words. She was a little over five feet tall, but that tail looked like it had an effective reach of at least fifteen feet in every direction. And while her body wasn’t covered in bulging muscles, she looked plenty strong enough to shove that forked spear of hers right through my gut.
And I didn’t think I was disincarnated here. Wherever here was.
[[[Zillah, Death’s Shadow; Scorpion Queen; Challenge Rating: 4, 30 Hit Points]]
Her challenge rating was twice as high as my dungeon’s level, but I was a dungeon lord. Maybe that gave me some kind of bonus.
I was also tired of walking around. The orc was a total no-go, and Raven Boy wasn’t any use. Zillah was worth a shot.
“Sure,” I said. There was only one way to find out if this would work. “It’s a chall—”
Zillah’s tail whipped through the air so fast I swear I heard it break the sound barrier. The venomous stinger plunged toward my chest like a deadly stroke of lightning. If it hit me, I had no doubt I’d be one dead dungeon lord.
The Crypt Crown’s magical ward, however, had a different idea about how this would shake out.
The barbed tip of Zillah’s tail bounced off my mystical protection, and she unleashed a stream of profanity in a language I didn’t understand.
“Nice try,” I said. “I guess you’re not as badass as you thought. If you’ll sign on the dotted line, we can go back to my place and—”
The legs that supported Zillah’s tail scrambled through the dead leaves, and she vanished beneath the earth. Her mole trail circled around me for an attack from my rear.
I’d been expecting that, though, and threw myself forward as her spear punched through the space I’d just left. At the end of her thrust the spear’s forks snapped together with a loud metallic clang and sent a shower of sparks into the air.
“That looks like it might sting.” I raised my khopesh into a defensive posture. “But you’ll have to be faster than that to catch me.”
I feinted with my hooked sword’s heavy, piercing tip, and Zillah deftly sidled out of my reach. The length of her spear and tail gave her an advantage I couldn’t let her exploit, and I took a quick step forward to close the distance between us.
“Very nice footwork,” she said. But she’d already stepped back to open up the range again. I just wasn’t fast enough to keep up with her.
“We’re really going to keep doing this?” I asked in the vain hope that she’d be so impressed by my willingness to fight that she’d join my side without any messy bloodshed.
“We’ll keep at it until one of us is defeated,” she said with a mirthless grin. “And I’m fairly certain I know who that will be.”
She darted forward and stabbed at me with the spear. I deflected the blow with a swipe of my khopesh, but as the forks shot past my left side, Zillah’s tail came around in a sideswipe aimed at the back of my right shoulder.
There was no way to block that attack with my khopesh, because it was on the wrong side of my body after parrying her spear thrust. I couldn’t dodge backward, because her tail was behind me. Forward would probably just end up with her spear in my gut.
That only left one option, and I took it. I dropped to the leaves and rolled off to one side.
Zillah’s tail whipcracked through the air above me and then rose above her head in preparation to strike again. She raised her spear to shoulder height to ready it for an impaling strike.
“Have it your way,” I said as I somersaulted back and popped up to my feet. I’d always tried to keep myself in shape, because I’d seen far too many hackers who let themselves go and ended up as loaded sacks of protoplasm smeared with Cheeto dust. All that time in the gym and sparring in my MMA class had helped keep me fit, but that didn’t explain my agility or fighting skills now. I might not have been a warrior up to Zillah’s standards, but Earth Clay would’ve been dead on that first strike.
Being a dungeon lord clearly had benefits.
I held my khopesh at the ready and waited for Zillah’s next attack. If I couldn’t get in close to her, I needed to convince her to make a mistake.
“This has been fun, but I don’t want to waste any more of my time,” I said. “Why don’t you give up before I get mad?”
Zillah laughed and launched a flurry of attacks at me. I deflected her first spear thrust with a circular swipe of my khopesh that brought it back up into a guard position after I’d parried. Her tail came in for a quick sting, but I sidestepped the attack and slapped the appendage away with the flat of my blade.
I could’ve carved it off with that defensive swipe if I’d wanted to, but I held back. Hurting Zillah wasn’t what I was here for. I needed her in fighting shape, not crippled. It was really too bad for me that she didn’t see things the same way.
“Was that mercy I just saw?” Zillah chuckled. “There is no place for that here, dungeon lord.”
Yep, she would definitely kill me if she had the chance.
She came at with everything she had. Her spear darted and dove at me like a hunting hawk, and I had to scramble back and flail wildly with my own weapon to keep the forks away from my heart and its butt end from sweeping my legs out from under me. Her tail arced ov
er us and slammed down into the dead leaves again and again like the hammering needle of a sewing machine on overdrive.
I darted left and right to evade the tail and swept the spear’s attacks aside with my khopesh. I could defend myself, but Zillah left no room for attacks. If I dropped my defenses for even a moment, I’d catch a fatal blow from one of her deadly weapons. I needed a new plan.
Her spear came at my middle. I hooked its haft with my khopesh and whipped it far off to my left side. That gave me a moment’s breathing room, and I used it to dance back from the center of the grove and open up more space between us. Getting in close no longer seemed like a great plan.
Plan B was to stay away from that damned tail before she turned me into a poisoned pincushion.
“A dungeon lord should never run from a foe,” Zillah said. She clucked her tongue and shook her head as if the very idea was shameful.
“Did you ever consider that I’m not running?” I said. “Or that the only reason you aren’t already dead is because I want you in one piece?”
I’d almost reached the edge of the grove of dead trees by then. I kept an eye on the scorpion woman, who seemed content to taunt me from a distance.
“You did challenge me to a duel,” she said. She puffed out her plump lower lip in a disappointed little pout. “You haven’t changed your mind about that, have you?”
While I had a moment to breathe without Zillah trying to stab my heart out of my chest, I considered my dilemma.
Sure, I’d challenged Zillah to a duel to convince her I was worthy to be her dungeon lord. She could have rejected that challenge, but instead she’d come on so hard I’d been sure she wanted to kill me.
But what if this was something different?
Maybe she wanted to show me how tough she was, how hard she’d fight for a dungeon lord who deserved her loyalty. Maybe she fought like a maniac because she was sure I’d kill her if she didn’t.
“Nah,” I said. I tried to be nonchalant, but it was a hard thing to manage with a deadly scorpion woman ready to kill me. “But maybe you should have given me a second to define the victory conditions of the challenge before you tried to murder me.”
The scorpion woman considered my words, and I swear I saw the first hints of a blush color her cheeks.
“That’s,” she started, then stopped and furrowed her eyebrows. Honestly, it was an adorable expression on her. “You have a point. I assumed your challenge would be to the death, given my previous interactions with a dungeon lord. What was your intent?”
“Neither of us benefits from murdering the other,” I said. “If I kill you before you’re one of my guardians, you’re just a lump of lifeless meat, and that’ll suck. If you got extremely lucky and killed me, then you’ll still be here in this dead grove, alone, waiting for the next chump to come along and try to impress you.”
Zillah raised an eyebrow at that, and I knew I had her attention.
“First blood,” I said. “That’s the challenge. The first one of us to draw blood wins.”
“I accept,” the scorpion woman said.
Her words were so calm, so measured that it took me a split second to realize she’d gone on the attack. She leaped through the air and lashed her tail at me like a bullwhip.
My crown’s magical aura turned Zillah’s tail aside at the last possible instant. There was an audible crack as her stinger slammed into the supernatural armor, and I felt the impact in my bones.
Zillah’s charge carried her past me, and her insectile legs kicked up leaves as she skidded to a stop. She turned to face me with a dismissive snort, and I saw how I could end this.
“Very good.” I stifled a fake yawn. “Flashy attacks, a lot of ferocity, good enough to take out some raiders, but not enough to draw blood from a dungeon lord. What else have you got?”
My sarcasm worked a little better than I’d expected, and Zillah came at me with a steely glint in her eyes.
Her spear’s first thrust missed me by inches, and the follow-through butt stroke clipped my shoulder with bruising force.
I rolled with the attack, and its force shoved me back toward the edge of the grove. I kept right on moving and turned a full circle with my khopesh in the air before me to deflect any incoming attacks. It was a desperate move, but it was the only play I could make.
My back slammed into one of the dead trees, and the impact shook the last few dead leaves from its branches. As they fluttered down around me like autumn’s tears, Zillah snarled and came to finish our duel.
The scorpion queen leaped forward and stabbed straight at my gut with her tail. A high-pitched howl erupted from her lips, and victory flared in her eyes. She was sure her strike couldn’t miss. With my back against the tree, there was no space for me to retreat.
She’d won.
But I could jump too, and I did. I caught a dead branch and hoisted myself up in the split second before I became a poison shish kebab.
Zillah’s stinger impaled the tree with impressive force. The ancient trunk groaned, and chips of wood flew in every direction. The barbed spike sank into the tree all the way up to the tail’s bulbous venom sac.
She tried to tear her tail free from the ancient wood, but it wouldn’t budge from the ancient trunk’s grasp.
“Come down here!” Zillah shouted. “This fight isn’t over!”
It took me a moment to find a part of the tree limb that wasn’t covered with black thorns, but once I did I dangled my legs over the branch and shrugged.
“Not yet,” I said. “Why are you being such a hard-ass about working for me?”
“I wanted to be sure you are worthy of my service,” Zillah said. “The last dungeon lord I worked for was weak and craven. His dungeon design was terrible, and raiders killed me again and again. I hated it.”
“I totally understand that,” I said. “Getting killed doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. But I’m not that guy, and I was smart enough that you couldn’t kill me. In fact—”
I dropped off the tree limb and landed next to the scorpion woman on her left side. She couldn’t stab me with her tail, and she couldn’t reach me with her spear on that side.
“Boop the snoot,” I said, and kissed her right on the nose.
Her eyes went wide with shock, and she spluttered in dismay.
“What did you just—”
“I won.” I held up the thorn I’d plucked from the tree limb before I’d dropped down.
A single drop of ruby red blood glistened on the wooden spike’s tip.
“What—how did you—” Zillah stammered.
“Not every fight is about speed or strength,” I said. “While you were confused about the kiss, I pricked your ear with this. You didn’t even notice.”
“You tricked me,” she said. She pouted so hard I was afraid she might strain something.
“I did,” I said. “But I still won, right?”
She mumbled something.
“What was that?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Fine. You beat me. The challenge was first blood, and you drew it. Though it was such an insignificant wound I didn’t even notice it.”
“Great,” I said. “But I think I’m going to leave you stuck like that while we finalize this arrangement. I’d rather not get stung by a giant scorpion girl.”
“What do they call you?” she asked. “I don’t deal with people without names.”
“I’m Clay,” I said. “Uh, some call me Lord Rathokhetra, but I prefer Dungeon Lord of the Kahtsinka Oasis Tomb.”
“What kind of name is Clay?” she asked.
“It’s just as good as Zillah,” I said. “Will you come work in my dungeon? I promise you a lot of raiders to kill and a decent cut of the treasure. I also solemnly swear you won’t have to get unnecessarily stabbed, beaten, or mutilated. I’ve actually got a pretty cool dungeon, and I plan on keeping it that way.”
“You won’t tell anyone?” the scorpion queen asked.
“Tell anyone what?”
“About this,” she said. “About the challenge.”
“No,” I said. “I’ll tell everyone we came to an agreement without a fight. We’ll both look better that way.”
“Thank you,” she said. For the first time she looked like a human. A very attractive human. If I didn’t look too closely at the tail, she was insanely hot.
“Welcome to the team,” I said.
A sudden draining sensation coursed through my veins, and I glanced down at my forearm. Eight of the motes went dark and vanished, but that was all right. Zillah was worth the cost. The raiders would never know what hit them.
“Oh,” Zillah said in a surprised voice.
I looked up from my arm and saw that we’d returned to my burial chamber. It was a tight fit with Zillah’s tail and spear, and we had to stand so close our nearly naked bodies had no choice but to touch.
“Um, yeah,” I said. “Let me show you the lair I have for you.”
I squeezed past Zillah to reach the alcove and its exit, and we brushed up against each other a little more vigorously than absolutely necessary in the process. She didn’t pull back from me, and I saw an appraising look in her eyes as I passed by.
Well, this was going to be interesting.
She followed me out of the burial chamber, and we made our way to the treasure vault to the north. Zillah studied the empty stone room with a raised eyebrow.
“No bed?” she asked. “I had a bed in my grove. It was nice and soft.”
“You did not,” I said. “I was there, remember? It was a big pile of dead leaves.”
“Yes, well,” Zillah said, “but I wanted a bed.”
“Then a bed you shall have,” I said.
I tried to imagine the sort of bed that would fit Zillah and settled on a large mattress atop a low platform. Instead of fitted sheets, she’d need loose furs and blankets that she could pile over her body or tail as she needed. I summoned the Tablet of Transformation and saw a couple of new options were available to me since I’d reached second level. I had to remember to take a closer look at them when I wasn’t otherwise preoccupied with a beautiful scorpion woman who wanted me to make a bed for her.