“Watch where you’re going,” Harry said, and he shoved the guy back off the dance floor. The man mumbled some apologies and bumped his way out of our view and most likely into some other poor soul.
“What?” Harry said to the woman who was searing her glare on him. Her gown was also silk, pale blue and now doused in gin. “It was that drunken fool, not me,” he said, pointing in his direction.
“I’ll get you something to clean it up,” I said, eager to make an exit, but Harry shook his head. “She’ll be all right,” he said, and pulled me to the center of the dance floor. He held me stiffly and began to attempt the steps of a slow fox-trot to “Night and Day” but he wasn’t listening to the music. I felt claustrophobic, my stomach against his, all these people around, laughing, having fun, his strong alcoholic breath inches from my face. This was the closest I’d been to him in weeks. He firmly held his right hand against my back and had my hand clenched in his as we took the steps, but I wanted to push away, create distance between us. Nothing felt familiar anymore.
“So we have some news to discuss,” he said matter-of-factly. “You’re carrying our child.” A lump the size of a rock was in my throat, my mask started to itch and I began to perspire.
“It was going to be a surprise” was all I could manage to say. I’d been concentrating on finding Thomas so much that I hadn’t prepared for any of this. I wanted to take the mask off, but I didn’t want him to see my face. We slowed almost to a standstill on the dance floor and he dug around in his inside pocket, finally taking out a piece of paper and unfolding it, large blue Western Union letters on the top of the page.
MR. AND MRS. BORDEAUX
YOUR VISIT AND SUBSEQUENT TEST FOR PREGNANCY ON AUGUST 28 REVEALS THAT YOU DO SHOW SYMPTOMS OF PREGNANCY IN THE FIRST TRIMESTER. IMMEDIATELY START TAKING MEDICINAL IRON PILLS, JAYNE’S TONIC PILLS—
The next few lines began to blur into a jumble.
“Yes,” I said. “The telegram. Okay, I will go to the pharmacy tomorrow. Actually, I’m a bit dizzy all of a sudden,” I said, trying to turn and get off the dance floor completely.
“I’ll come with you,” he said, grabbing hold of my arm. “So when were you going to tell me?”
“I didn’t know for certain until today and I looked for you earlier,” I lied.
He cleared his throat. “Well,” he said, his face as straight and expressionless as could be, “it’s good news. My parents will be thrilled, a grandson I hope, to carry on the name.”
I nodded. “Yes, of course, that would be nice.” It was all I could say.
Harry nodded, then released my arm from his grip. When he did so I rubbed the red imprint where his hand had been.
“I think it’s time to present the check,” I said, and I walked across the huge room to the front doors to get some air. With each step I felt his eyes on me. It seemed as if I were walking in slow motion; I couldn’t get to those doors fast enough.
Once outside I put my hands on my knees and gasped for air. I tore off my mask. In the background I heard the band play, the singer’s voice penetrating the air in a low and serious tone. When the song ended he made an announcement that the party would be moving out to the great lawn for the next portion of the evening and the shuffle of feet grew louder as the crowd filed out onto the lawn. An instrumental rendition of “Summertime” began in the background; trumpet or saxophone, I wasn’t sure. I stood up and tried to regain my composure.
“Are you quite all right, darling?” It was Dolly and I was so relieved to hear her voice.
“Hi, Dolly,” I said, and I wrapped my arms around her. “Great to see you.”
“If I took a guess what you’re all flustered about I think I’d get it right.”
I looked up at her and nodded.
“Harry told Clark that you’re with child. Clark said he was drunk as a beast. So I suppose that means you had the conversation.”
“We did,” I said. “But he didn’t get the news from me; the doctor sent a telegram and he got to it first.”
“Oh, Lord.”
I shook my head, wiping my brow.
“Don’t look so dismal about it all, Bea. Clark said Harry seemed really happy, drunk as a skunk but happy.” She gave my shoulders a squeeze. “You’re doing the right thing, Bea.” I looked up at her, seeing the reassurance in her face that I was doing what she expected of me and letting Harry believe he was responsible.
“I wasn’t even going to tell him, Dolly. Now he’s going around telling the world it’s his.”
“Shhh,” she said, frowning as if I should know better. “Keep your voice down, for God’s sake.” She looked around. “What do you mean you weren’t going to tell him? You’re not going to be able to hide it soon enough.”
“I told you, Dolly, I’m not staying with him; the child is not his.”
“But Harry’s been telling everyone—”
“Harry doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Oh God, Beatrice.” Dolly began to massage her temples. “I worry about you so much when you start talking like this. I thought you had taken my advice; I thought that’s why Harry knew.”
I hugged her hard. “You’re such a good friend to me. I appreciate your advice and your concern, but I have to choose my own way.”
“I know you’re going to make up your own mind, but please think it through. Until then, you need to be smart about this. Don’t put you, your baby or even that lover of yours at risk. One wrong move here and Harry could blow his wig. He has a wretched temper and he’s also a sharp businessman. He can make things happen in an instant if he wants to; don’t be naïve about that.”
There was a loud tap, tap on the microphone. “Good evening all,” Jeanie’s loud voice came over the great lawn. “Hope you are all having a wonderful time.” Everyone was still talking, ordering drinks, finding spots on the lawn.
“What are you saying, Dolly?”
“You know exactly what I’m saying, Beatrice. Play your cards right, be smart and don’t be a fool.”
Jeanie tapped the microphone again with her fingertips.
“Now, now, everyone, settle down; we are about to begin the main part of the evening, where we’ll reveal how much we’ve raised for the Montauk community and we’ll unveil the generous gift to the Montauk School. Could I have Clarissa, Dolly and Beatrice join me onstage?”
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. Dolly linked her arm in mine. “Now come on, Beatrice. Put on a brave face.” And we walked to the front of the crowd and up onto the stage.
Jeanie directed us to stand off to the right, toward the back of the stage. She stood front and center and talked and talked. As I looked out at the crowd that had filled the entire lawn, everyone began to blend together. I couldn’t believe that just three and a half months ago I had never even set foot in Montauk. To think that I hadn’t known Thomas, that I’d been blind to Harry’s infidelities and that I’d expected my whole life to go on as it was.
Most of the guests had their masks off now that they were outside and held them in their hands. I forced my eyes to focus and on the right side of the crowd about halfway back I picked Patrick out from the sea of faces; he had his arm around Elizabeth’s shoulders and Thomas stood next to them. They were talking; they looked happy.
Toward the front of the crowd and closer to the outdoor bar, Harry was with a large group of men and a few women. Some had their backs turned to the stage. As I looked out at everyone, at Thomas, Elizabeth, Patrick and Harry, it felt as if I were in a dream, floating above them, watching them. At the beginning of the summer Harry’s crowd was my crowd. I didn’t belong with them anymore.
Thomas’s group had grown slightly. I saw faces I recognized, people I’d seen around town, but I didn’t know their names. They looked kind, or maybe that was just me hoping they’d be as warm and friendly as the three I’d gotten to know so well. Standing alone was Mr. Rosen. He looked a little out of place and uncomfortable. It was hard to tell, but he s
eemed to catch my eye and nod. I kept glancing back and forth between Thomas and Harry; everyone else seemed to melt away.
Jeanie finally got around to presenting the oversized check to the Mayor of Montauk, and then she called Dolly, Clarissa and me to join her. As she called our names she announced which husband we each “belonged” to and she seemed to intentionally get her mouth close to the microphone as she spoke, “Harry Bordeaux.” When she said his name I was watching him and he quickly looked to the stage. And, once she had his attention, she called Thomas to the stage as well as a few of the other local gents who had helped build it and provide materials. They received a big round of applause and Harry didn’t take his eyes off me. Every time I looked over he was staring and every time I glanced to Thomas I felt myself being scrutinized.
“Beatrice, why don’t you give the scissors to Mr. Brown so that he can cut the ribbon and officially dedicate the stage to the children of Montauk School?”
Reluctantly I took the scissors from Clarissa and walked them over to Thomas, feeling hundreds of eyes on me.
“Thank you,” he said, and with the men by his side, he cut through the ribbon, everyone cheered and the children filled the stage. Jeanie ushered them into place while taking a second to smile at me. She was loving this.
First the youngest children sang “Oh Little Playmate”; then the older kids sang an operatic piece from Romeo and Juliet. It was quite impressive. I kept thinking of Elizabeth’s boys kicking around that soccer ball in their front yard, these same boys who played on the train tracks and down by the docks and ran home just in time for dinner scruffy and laughing, cheeks red and foreheads sweaty, and here they were singing like angels. The audience was captivated. Toward the end, though, people began to get restless, eager to get back to the party.
* * *
Later, after dinner had been served, devoured and cleared away, some of the men moved to the card tables. I began to stand and hoped to find Thomas again while Harry was preoccupied, but Mr. Rosen came over to my table and offered me a cigarette.
“How are you, Beatrice?” he asked. “This is quite some party.”
“It is indeed.”
“I’m sure there’s a story here.”
I smiled. “Oh, there’s a lot your readers would like to know about.”
“I’d love to have an end-of-summer piece, something dramatic and powerful to wrap up the season. What do you say?”
I inhaled my cigarette. If he knew what I knew. We all had our secrets.
“It’s not my intention to gossip,” I said.
“You’re not a gossip; you’re tasteful and always truthful. That’s why our readers like you.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” I said, but I couldn’t imagine what I would send. I was so focused now on returning to the city, then escaping back to Montauk. And then what? Would Harry come looking for me? He wasn’t just going to let me walk out of his life. I had to think. I looked around the room for Thomas.
“I’ll let you get back to the party,” Mr. Rosen said.
I spotted Thomas talking to some friends near the card tables and I walked toward him. If the plan had been for the locals and the city folk to mix it had failed miserably—everyone stuck to their own kind. When he saw me coming he fixed his eyes on mine and gave a subtle shake of his head, then averted his eyes over to the card tables. I looked over and saw Harry sitting, looking drunker then ever, clearly not involved with the cards. I changed course and joined Mary Van de Coop, who was talking about her plans for the fall season in the city. Dolly’s runway show at Bergdorf Goodman was the topic of conversation and I realized I wouldn’t be there to support her. My life would be so different by the time of her show.
Thomas and I kept our distance for the rest of the evening, exchanging occasional quick glances, almost imperceptible smiles, a slight pucker of the lips to send a kiss through the crowd to his cheek. But constantly keeping an eye on Harry and feeling under his watchful eye became too much. I stayed as long as I thought would be socially acceptable; then I approached Harry and informed him I’d be retiring.
“I’ve-had-my-things-moved-to-your-room,” he said, slurring all the words together. “Given-the-news, it’s-the-right-thing-to-do.”
“Oh.” I tried not to look startled.
“Is-that-a-problem?”
“No, fine.” I nodded. “Starting when?”
“Tonight.” His eyes began to close to half-mast.
“Oh, but we should wait until I see the doctor one more time in the city before we tell anyone else about the baby,” I said.
“No need,” he said, with a shrug of his shoulders. “Night, Beatrice.” He leaned over and tried to kiss me on the cheek, but it was more of a bumping of his nose against my cheekbone.
As I walked to the stairs I felt Thomas’s presence. Our eyes met, but I had to force myself to look away once again. Just a few more days, I told myself, then all this pretending would be over. I went to my room and prayed the days would fall away.
* * *
Harry’s belongings felt intrusive. A trunk pushed against the wall in the corner, some suits in the closet. His nightclothes folded on the bed. The Manor staff probably knew more about the guests and the “goings-on” than anyone else. Seeing his things made me feel anxious and unsafe. Dolly’s words echoed in my head and suddenly I wasn’t tired at all. I longed for the security of being at the light with Thomas. I was probably being naïve, of course. I didn’t want to think about the logistics of divorce or how I would attain one, but I would face all that when I had Thomas by my side.
As I walked across the room to the bathroom to get ready for bed I heard someone try the door handle and I stopped in my tracks, startled, my stomach clenched. The door handle moved again and instinctively I rushed to the closet and pulled out Harry’s shotgun. It was an impulse I didn’t know I had. A ridiculous impulse perhaps, but I had a baby inside of me, a life to care for and protect, and I wouldn’t let anyone or anything jeopardize it. I had no idea how to use a shotgun, but I felt a tiny bit safer knowing I had something in my hands. Someone tapped at the door.
“Who is it?” I said, standing to the side of the door. The person tapped again and tried the door handle.
“I said who is it,” I said louder this time.
“It’s me, Bea.”
Hearing Thomas’s voice, I opened it immediately. I looked down the corridor both ways and saw no one, so I pulled him inside and shut the door, locking it and putting on the safety chain.
“What are you doing here?” I said, excited but scared. “You saw the way Harry looked at you. This is dangerous.”
“Dangerous? You’re the one holding the shotgun,” he said.
I leaned it against the closet door. “I’m wound up right now. Harry knows about the baby and he’s going around telling everyone it’s his. How can he think that?”
“Shh,” he said, putting a finger on my lips. “I know; I heard some men talking. It’s good that he thinks the baby is his, at least for now. It will keep you safe. But I didn’t come here to talk about him.” He looked around the room. “So this is where you’ve been living all summer long.” He ran his hands along the ruffled edges of the cushion on the armchair.
“It’s just a room.” It occurred to me that he’d probably never stayed in a hotel like this before.
He walked over to the dresser and picked up a long necklace and matching earrings that I’d left out. “Did Harry buy you these?” he asked.
“He did; he’s bought me everything I own except for a few pieces my mother gave me.” He picked up a few other things, a silver pen resting on the bureau, a silk shawl hanging over the back of the chair.
“You have such nice things, Beatrice.…” He paused. He was confident, strong-looking and completely comfortable in his own skin, but I knew what he was going to say. “I can give you a nice life, Bea, I can make you happy, but I can’t give you all this. You know that, right?”
“I don’t wa
nt any of these things. They mean nothing to me.” I went to him.
“I just want you to know what you’re getting when you walk away from this life.”
“I only want you.” I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his chest.
He turned me so my back was against the door and stared into my eyes. To be looked at that way, to feel so wanted, loved, to know that no matter what came next we would face it together. I wanted to feel him, to connect. He held my face and kissed me.
He ran his hands down my breasts and over my stomach.
“I can’t wait to see your body again, your beautiful body that is making our child.”
“You will,” I said, drunk with anticipation.
We moved to the bed and he felt my body, my thighs. I closed my eyes and I tried to enjoy being with him in my room, but I was scared about Harry’s return.
“You should go,” I said.
“I love you, Beatrice.” He kissed my lips, my breasts, my stomach. “Stay strong over the next few days. I’ll be waiting for you.” He kissed me one more time and left. Everything in the world felt right again, at least for now.
* * *
Somehow I managed to fall asleep. I didn’t think I could. I was watching the door, covers pulled up to my chin, for what felt like hours. I couldn’t imagine sleeping in a bed with Harry again, but I had to play along for a few more days until summer was officially over, everyone would go home and we could go our separate ways. Eventually I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.
The sound of fumbling and clicking woke me and I sat bolt upright but couldn’t see a thing except the white curtains illuminated by moonlight, my eyes wide until they adjusted to the dark. A click and another stumble over by the closet.
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