by Nic Saint
“We met,” said Princess, and gave me a bright smile that melted my heart.
“I was just telling Princess I might let her sing the solo tonight,” Brutus said with a curious look in my direction.
“Oh, that’s so wonderful of you, Brutus,” said Princess. “I won’t disappoint you. I sat by John Paul George’s side for years, singing along. I like to think he drew inspiration from my presence. All artists need a muse, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was his.”
I knew I was gawking, but I couldn’t stop. I think I was drooling, too.
“A celebrity such as yourself deserves a spot in the limelight,” said Brutus, nodding. “If you like we can work on your solos one on one. Do some private coaching. I don’t like to brag, but I’m something of a musical prodigy myself.”
“You would do that for me? That’s so sweet of you, Brutus.”
I heard a strangled sound and when I looked over my shoulder I saw that it was Harriet. She was staring at Brutus and Princess, making strange noises at the back of her throat. Either she was going to throw up, or throw a hissy fit and hit Brutus. Either way, she wasn’t happy. And neither was I.
“I started cat choir to give struggling young artists such as yourself their first break,” Brutus continued suavely. “Kind of like a mentorship.”
“You didn’t start cat choir,” Harriet said. “Max started cat choir.”
At the mention of my name, I snapped out of my stupor. She was right. Brutus was putting the moves on Princess, and I was letting him.
“Yeah, I started cat choir,” I said. “Dooley and I did.”
Princess turned a pair of cool blue eyes on me. “You started cat choir?”
“Yes, they did,” said Harriet heatedly. “And what’s more, I’m the choir’s lead soprano. I have the best voice. I sing the solos. Not you. Me.”
Princess fluttered her eyes over Harriet, apparently wasn’t impressed, and dismissed her with a flick of her paw. “I’d be delighted to sing the lead.”
“Didn’t you hear what I just said?!” Harriet exclaimed. “Tell her, Brutus. Tell her I sing the solos.”
“Now, now,” said Brutus airily. “This is not the time for petty rivalries. We have to think of cat choir. What’s good for cat choir is good for all of us. And what we need right now is to boost our reputation. Attract top talent. A celebrity like Princess adds luster to the lineup. And luster is what we want.”
For a moment, I thought Harriet was going to do a Miss Piggy and smack Brutus in the face, but at the last moment she restrained herself, and simply lifted both her head and her tail high, gave Princess the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen, and stalked off. We’d entered some regular Black Swan territory now.
“Look, you don’t get to decide who sings the solos,” I told Brutus.
“Oh, yes, I do,” he said, casting a worried look after Harriet.
I turned to Princess. “If anyone is the musical expert around here, it’s me. Brutus may be the conductor, but I’m the beating heart of this choir. I’m the heart and soul of cat choir. So if anyone is going to be coaching you, it’s me.”
“Is that a fact?” asked Brutus.
“That is a fact,” I said.
He narrowed his eyes at me, and raised an extended claw. The same claw he used to direct the choir. “You may have started this choir, buddy, but without me you’d still be a ragtag clowder of bumbling amateurs. It took a real leader like me to turn this hapless bunch of losers into a real choir.”
“Oh, you certainly are a real leader, Brutus,” Princess said. She placed her paw on his front leg and felt his bicep. “And you’re so very strong.”
I drew up closer and puffed out my chest. “You’ll have to forgive Brutus, Princess. He’s new in town. He doesn’t know I started this choir to build a sense of community here in Hampton Cove. Forge bonds. Inspire friendship. That’s what I do. I’m a community leader. A leader of the community.”
“I can see that,” said Princess. She let go of Brutus, draped her front leg through mine and squeezed my non-existent bicep. “I like you, Max.”
I practically coughed up a hairball. “I like you, too,” I squeaked.
“You’re a regular musical prodigy,” Princess said. “Sing something.”
“Huh?”
“Sing something for me. Give me a sample of your talent.”
I cast about helplessly for a moment, but when I caught Brutus grinning at me, I pulled myself together and sang the first thing that came to mind. “Is it too late to say sorry?” I bleated. Princess blinked. My singing sounded as if a cat had stepped on my tail. “Cause… I’m missing more than just your… body.”
Princess emitted a wild giggle, then controlled herself with some effort and shook her head. “That was… interesting. Very… novel.”
Oh, God. I’d screwed up, hadn’t I? Stage fright. It’s a real killer.
“You know, I was actually at the Kenspeckle place today,” said Brutus, turning his back on me and starting to lead Princess away.
Her eyes went wide. “The Kenspeckles? The reality stars?”
“Yep. Hanging with Damien LeWood. Jamming with my main man.”
“You know Damien LeWood?” she asked excitedly. “The famous rapper?”
“The one and only. Damien and I are tight. If you like I’ll introduce you.”
“Ooh, Brutus. I would love that!”
I watched Brutus lead her to a nearby tree, explaining to her how his buddy Damien LeWood had promised him a leading role in his reality show, and how he was pretty sure he could get her a casting call with the director.
“Max, what’s going on?” Dooley asked, looking worried. “Why were you singing that horrible song? I thought we said we wouldn’t do that again.”
“I was trying to impress Princess,” I said miserably.
He looked at Princess. “She doesn’t look impressed. At least not by you.”
I groaned. “I know. It was a total fail. And now she’s all over Brutus.”
He shrugged. “So? What’s it to you?”
I stared at him. “Are you blind? She’s the prettiest cat for miles around.”
“I always thought Harriet was the prettiest cat for miles around.”
“Well, I don’t. And if I don’t figure out a way to trump Brutus I’ll lose my chance.”
“Why don’t you climb a tree?” he suggested.
“Climb a tree? What do you mean, climb a tree?”
“I mean climb a tree. Chicks dig it. They clap and cheer. It’s a thing.”
It shows how far gone I was that I seriously contemplated Dooley’s inane suggestion. He’s my best friend, but he’s also an idiot, and the fact that even before he finished telling me to climb a tree I was scooting up the nearest tree, proves that when it comes to women, I’m an even bigger idiot.
“Yoo-hoo, Princess!” I shouted when I’d reached the first branch. “Why don’t you come up and join me? These are the best seats in the house!”
“Oh, Max,” Princess laughed. “You’re so funny!”
Funny wasn’t what I was going for, but at least I had her attention.
Brutus scowled at me, and within seconds he’d joined me, clawing his way up to the branch directly above mine. “My seat is even better!” he yelled. “In fact this is the conductor’s spot. Make sure everyone can see me.”
Princess laughed again, a breathy, coquettish sound. It was so sexy.
I decided I wasn’t going to be outdone by this brute, so I quickly clambered up one more branch, and then I was one up on Brutus.
From the ground, Dooley gave me two thumbs up. “Doing great, Max!”
The other cats all stared at us as if we’d lost our minds. Even George stood shaking his weary old head. For the first time I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t making an absolute fool of myself. Unfortunately, Brutus wasn’t making this consideration, as he quickly outdid me, and rose one more level.
“Brutus!” a voice rang out. “Come down
at once!”
It was Harriet. Apparently she’d returned to butt heads with Princess once again. She wasn’t going to give up on Brutus without putting up a fight.
“Not a chance!” Brutus croaked. “I have a choir to conduct.”
“You never do your conducting from up there!” she shouted.
“Oh, yes, I do,” he said with a chuckle. “Don’t listen to her, Princess. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
Harriet turned to Princess. “I do know what I’m talking about. I’m not just this choir’s leading lady and main vocalist, I’m also Brutus’s girlfriend.”
“Not anymore, you’re not,” Dooley muttered, and Harriet gave him a withering look that quickly shut him up.
As Princess and the others watched, Brutus and I climbed higher and higher into the tree. Each time he overtook me, I went higher, and on and on it went, until we both reached the top and there was no more tree left. Huh.
Unfortunately we were now so high up that we couldn’t even see the ground, or the others. And as we listened to the sounds of cat choir starting their rehearsal without us, I wondered what the hell I was doing up here.
“Um, Brutus?” I asked, precariously perched on the top branch.
“Yeah?” he said a little uncertainly.
“Do you know how to get down from here?”
There was a momentary silence, then he confessed, “Nope.”
We both looked down, and the dizzying height gave me the creeps.
“They’ve started without us,” I said.
“I know. Can you believe it?”
“And Princess didn’t join us.”
“I think she lost interest about halfway through our climb.”
“I like that cat.”
“Me too. Though to be honest I like Harriet more.”
“What?! Then why did you put the moves on Princess?”
He shrugged. “I’m a cat, Max. Putting the moves on felines is what I do.”
We were quiet for a while, sitting there side by side while we listened to the cats singing up a storm. Then the first neighbor opened his window and shouted something. Then the second neighbor opened his window and threw a shoe. Sound carries, and the sound of two dozen cats screeching as if their whiskers are being plucked from their faces with tweezers carries even more. Not that I’m not proud of cat choir, but I may have exaggerated a little when I was telling Princess how good we are. Actually we kinda suck. Big time.
“How are we going to get out of this tree?” I asked.
“Beats me,” Brutus said. “I’ve never climbed this high before.”
He sounded just as unnerved as I was feeling.
“Max?” he asked.
“Uh-huh.”
“If we get out of this alive, I want you to know I think you’re pretty brave.”
“Come again?”
“Discovering that murder weapon today? That took guts.”
"I only climbed that pipe because you locked us up."
“You know why I did that, right?”
“Actually, I don’t.”
He hesitated. “The thing is… Chase isn’t my human.”
“He’s not?” This surprised me. “But I thought—”
“His mother is. She took me in straight from the nest. But then she got sick and had to go and live in some place where cats are not allowed, so Chase had to decide whether to put me in a shelter or to keep me. Lucky for me he kept me, but… well, let’s just say Chase isn’t much of a cat person.”
“No, he doesn’t strike me as one.”
“I mean, he never cuddles me, or scratches me behind my ears. He just feeds me and that’s it.”
“Yeah, but he feeds you real meat.”
He gave me a sad glance. “I’d trade all that for a cuddle. You and Odelia? You guys have such a great bond. She cares about you, and even lets you sleep on the bed and all.”
“Chase doesn’t let you sleep on the bed?”
“Never. He kicks me out of the house when he goes to bed.”
“That’s not very nice.”
He shrugged. “It’s all he knows, I guess. His mother was the same. Cats aren’t supposed to sleep in the house. They should be outside. Catch mice.”
“It’s nice to sleep on the bed,” I said. “Nice and warm and soft. In the morning I like to snuggle up to Odelia and she hugs me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.”
“I’d like that,” he said softly. “I’d like to have a human who cares about me like that. That’s why I wanted to be the one to tell her about Dion Dread’s new show. That way she might want to, you know, adopt me, maybe?”
I hesitated, then said, “You know, if you like we can share Odelia. She’s got a big enough heart for two.”
He was silent for a beat, then said huskily, “Thank you, Max. I’d really like that.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do. You practically live with us anyway, so…”
He glanced at me. “You’re all right, Max.”
“You’re all right, too, Brutus.”
We gave an awkward high five and then lapsed into silence once more. All this talk of Odelia was fine and dandy, but if nobody came to save us, we’d probably never see her again. I just hoped Dooley was calling 911.
Chapter 16
Odelia woke up from a pronounced whispering nearby. She’d been dreaming of Chase, more particularly Chase’s remarkably soft lips, and she so didn’t want to wake up right now. The whispering persisted, and she dragged her mind back from her sweet dreams to the cold reality of her empty bed. Well, not completely empty. Two cats were seated next to her in the darkness.
She moved, and the whispering stopped. She closed her eyes, ready for more Chase. The whispering started again, Dooley and Harriet having some kind of argument.
“God. What’s with all the whispering?!”
“No, I’m not telling her,” Harriet was saying.
“We have to tell her,” Dooley said. “We can’t just leave them up there.”
“We can and we will,” Harriet insisted stubbornly.
Odelia smacked her lips. The pressure of Chase’s lips against hers lingered. If Real Chase was as good a kisser as Dream Chase she was hoping her dream might turn into a reality one day. Maybe the day hell froze over.
“Leave who where?” she finally asked, giving up on her dream.
“Max and Brutus are stuck in a tree,” said Dooley.
“Dooley!” hissed Harriet. “I told you not to tell her!”
“Look, I don’t care about Brutus, but this is Max we’re talking about. He could be stuck up there for days! Or even forever!”
“Serves him right. Serves them both right. They shouldn’t have made such a spectacle of themselves in the first place. And all over some dumb broad. She can’t even sing!”
Dooley giggled. “Yeah, she sounded pretty awful. No way she was John Paul George’s muse. She fooled us all.”
“Not me. She didn’t fool me. Not for one second.”
“What’s going on?” Odelia asked tiredly, propping herself up on her elbows. She stared into the darkness. All she could see were two pairs of cat’s eyes staring back at her.
“Max and Brutus decided to impress Princess,” Dooley said.
“The skankiest cat alive,” said Harriet.
“Princess isn’t skanky. She’s just… not a great singer.”
“She is skanky. A classy cat would never get two cats to fight over her.”
“Well, anyway,” said Dooley, “Max and Brutus decided to impress Princess so they climbed a tree.”
“Who gave them that idea?” asked Odelia, rubbing her eyes.
“Dooley did,” said Harriet. “This was all his idea. Yes, it was!”
“I just figured it would give Max an edge. It looked like Brutus was winning her over and Max was very upset so I told him to climb a tree.”
“So Brutus and Max were going after the same cat?” asked Odelia.
“Yes, they wer
e.”
“But I thought you and Brutus were a thing, Harriet?”
“We were. And now we’re not. If he likes that stupid Princess he’s welcome to her.”
“So it’s official now?” asked Dooley. “You and Brutus are history?”
“Ancient history.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said, though he didn’t sound sorry.
“I don’t care,” she said. “I don’t mind being single again. I’m too young to be tied down. In fact Brutus did me a favor. A big one.”
“So where are Max and Brutus now?” asked Odelia. She was starting to get the picture.
“Still in that tree,” said Dooley. “They can’t get down. It’s too high.”
She did a mental head slap. “I better call the fire department.”
“Or you could leave them up there,” said Harriet, returning to her favorite theme. “At least a couple of days. That should teach them a lesson.”
“I can’t, Harriet. Max is my cat. I can’t leave him up there.”
“Then just leave Brutus up there. I’m sure Chase won’t mind.”
Yep. Cats were more like humans than people thought. A woman scorned and all that. “I have to get a hold of Chase. Tell him his cat is stuck in a tree.”
She swung her feet from between the sheets and found her slippers. She shuffled over to the window and opened the curtains. It was still completely dark out, though on the horizon she thought she could detect first light trying to hoist itself over the skyline. It was doing a pretty half-ass job of it, too.
“What time is it?” she asked with a yawn.
Dooley had joined her at the window. “Um, like, seven?”
“So how long have they been up there?”
“Since after midnight.”
“Oh, those poor dears. They must be terrified.”
“Especially since Max and Brutus hate each other,” said Harriet.
“Yeah, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve eaten each other by now,” said Dooley. “Like in that Tom Hanks movie? When he was stuck on that island?”
“Tom Hanks didn’t eat anybody in that movie,” said Harriet.
“That’s because he was all alone out there, with nobody to eat. But Max and Brutus have each other.” He paused. “I wonder who’ll eat who. My money’s on Brutus. He’s bigger and tougher.”