Craig halted. So did she. Don drew level. Then unexpectedly Craig closed in on her, his face holding a curious expression. Was he about to change appearance again? Before he reached her, however, she heard boughs being pushed aside behind them. Turning, she saw a fourth person heading up the track in a rain-spattered denim jacket. Theo. What a relief. Don and Craig couldn’t stage World War Three in front of him. Or might she be mistaken in that?
“Hi there Don, Craig, Juliet,” called Theo. “Good to see you three. A dreary sky and blustery wind can’t put us off, can they? Despite all that’s been happening down there.” He indicated the house, now well below them.
For several moments no one spoke. Even the trees were subdued. No birds were to be seen, either on the branches, or silhouetted against the opaqueness of the sky.
Don was first to break the silence. “We’ve got a dilemma. Put it to him, Craig.”
Craig didn’t speak.
Theo raised his eyebrows. But it seemed none of them needed to explain any further. “You feel hurt, Craig. Because you believe Don has taken Juliet from you.”
Juliet’s jaw dropped. How could she have been so ignorant of what was really going on? Was it possible that she herself was the most deluded person of all?
Strolling around them and then a short way ahead, Theo turned and faced the three. “I know what it’s like to hold all sorts of wrong notions about other people, and what they do and say – and about myself.”
Juliet held him in view. But she couldn’t trust herself to reply.
“Let’s walk on,” said Theo. The others silently obeyed as if on automatic pilot. The breeze was much stronger and cooler now. How could she have thought, Juliet wondered, just a few minutes ago, that the atmosphere was still? Now she heard the wind rushing through the tall conifers. “Four and a half years ago,” Theo continued, “I started work as a freelance radio broadcaster, alongside my work for the Church. Then, after about two years, without any warning, I quit. Broke my contract. Cut myself off from friends, family, colleagues.”
He tramped on, occasionally stopping to pick something up from the ground – maybe a bird’s feather, or a stone, to turn it in his hands and contemplate it as if it aided his thoughts, then to put it back down somewhere else on his journey. “One day, I was more or less OK, the next, a curtain had fallen – a black, thick, impenetrable curtain.”
“Depression?” said Don.
Theo glanced at him. “Yes.”
“Thought so,” murmured Don.
Craig said nothing. Juliet wondered how much of this he already knew.
“I wanted out. So I ran,” said Theo.
“Where to?” asked Juliet.
“Rented cottage on the most deserted part of the Norfolk coast. And there I hid for the best part of two years.”
“And no one came to help?” asked Juliet.
“No. Once you’re in that black state, you don’t want help. People tend to steer clear of you anyway. If anyone does offer help you reject it. You’re in deep depression. You hate yourself.” Theo picked up a small branch from the ground, and twisted and turned it in his hands, feeling the texture of the bark.
“You had no forewarning of this?” asked Juliet.
“Only that for several months, I’d had doubts. Serious doubts.”
“About your faith?” asked Juliet.
“Yes. That made me afraid. I was broadcasting as a man of faith. But deep inside, I believed nothing.” Theo stared fixedly at the track for a few moments, then lifted his head again. “I’d let everybody down. But I lacked the will to take action. Like you, Craig.”
Juliet gazed from Theo to Craig and back again, puzzled. How did this connect with Craig?
Theo soon dropped a clue. Swinging to face the others, he let go of the branch, and spread his arms. “As time passed, I convinced myself that to ask forgiveness from those I’d turned my back on, would earn me nothing but scorn and contempt.”
Was this the link? Meanwhile, Craig had picked a cluster of leaves from a nearby shrub, and was flipping them back and forth. Juliet couldn’t see his face.
“I had a recurring dream,” went on Theo. “I dreamed I’d died, and was still conscious. I realised this must be the afterlife. Dark and silent. An icy waste of nothingness, and no way out.”
The atmosphere chilled as Juliet contemplated this scenario. She took the leaf spray from Craig, and began to stroke each leaf.
“Meanwhile, in the daytime, the same half-life continued. I never opened mail,” said Theo. “I had the phone line cut off before moving in. No computer, of course. Often, I didn’t get up all day.”
“And still no faith?” asked Juliet.
“Nil. I believed nothing.” He paused. “I didn’t even have the energy to be an atheist.”
“What?” Don asked. “I never needed any effort for that. Always came naturally to me.”
“Atheism is a belief system like any other,” said Theo.
Don looked unconvinced.
“The idea of heaven became hollow and meaningless,” continued the clergyman. “How can anyone be happy there while the rest of us wallow down here in the mud?”
“I never really looked at it that way,” said Don.
“But I did,” continued Theo. “And so I concluded that none of it makes sense. It doesn’t work. God’s got it wrong.”
Juliet, Don and Craig all kept quiet.
“But of course,” went on Theo, “if He’s God, He doesn’t have to do anything I think He should do.” He looked straight at Don and Craig. They both exchanged an uneasy glance.
Craig turned back to Theo and said, “You mean all our expectations might be defeated?”
“I do,” said Theo.
Juliet surveyed Craig. He stood slightly apart from them, his expression frozen. She couldn’t even guess what he was thinking or feeling.
Don took Juliet’s hand and squeezed it. She turned towards him, and responded, putting her hand on top of his. His hands felt warm beneath hers, despite the weather. She looked at him. He was so different. This wasn’t the emotionally buttoned-up man she’d known so far. There was feeling in his eyes, real feeling. Something in her heart gave way. What was happening to her? And to Don? Suddenly she saw him as all that was secure, solid, down to earth, trustworthy. Diametrically opposed to much of what she’d found here in this community.
In the next moment she found herself swept into his arms, and crushed close to him. She was stunned. All she could think was, Don, is it you I’ve wanted, all along?
Several moments later, Don released her. Her breathing came fast now, and she looked around, bewildered. Craig had disappeared. But Theo was still there, damp and windblown. Even the field maples and beeches seemed to have forgotten it was summer. Their leaves hung limp and dejected from the boughs, or so it seemed to her. She looked at Don.
“Juliet, I…” he began. His eyes seemed now to be pleading with her. She guessed he was as confused, overwhelmed as she was. Had he meant to do that? Was he too struggling to come to terms with his feelings and actions, previously totally out of character for him? As, perhaps mistakenly, he’d thought?
Theo strode across to them both. “Juliet, do you have a vision?”
“Yes, Theo,” she responded, “you know I do.”
“What happened to it then? What are you and Don thinking of? And Craig’s gone. What do you suppose he makes of you two?”
“I never meant…” said Don.
Juliet gazed at Theo, appalled by his words. On his face, she read a disturbing mixture of disillusion and bafflement she hadn’t believed him capable of. It shook her to the core.
“I don’t understand what’s happening to me,” she whispered.
“You still won’t come clean with yourself?” returned Theo. “Or has your goal moved into a region of the unknown you forgot to map?”
Juliet’s face burned.
“Well, Don,” said Theo, “Your move now.”
“How?”
asked the Yorkshireman. “When? In what way?”
“In every way that matters,” said Theo.
20
Thistle in the Picnic
After Theo and Don had returned to the house Juliet chose instead to walk on for what seemed like miles. One moment she felt ecstatic, the next despairing. Her emotions were chaotic. Don and Juliet … who’d have believed it? She, herself, had certainly never dreamed she was attracted to Don. And yet… more and more she’d felt he was a far better option than his son. Reliable, steady, rooted in the earth…
She did acknowledge she’d grown fond of him. Did she really want him? Yes, and no. What would it mean for the future? Where should she go from here? There was no one to turn to for advice. Zoe would be hopeless. Hardly Don himself. Even less Craig. And she certainly wouldn’t ask Theo. She’d heard quite enough from him on the subject already.
And so her imagination freewheeled. By the time she approached the house, she’d exhausted all the scenarios her mind could conjure. Arriving at five-thirty she entered the sitting room. There were two hours until dinner. What would she do? Mental and physical tiredness took over. She sank down onto the sofa, and into a deep sleep.
The next thing she knew she was sitting up, bewildered, staring into the face of Al. The American lounged opposite wearing a flamingo-pink shirt, with a quizzical expression on his good-natured face. He glanced at his watch, a flashy silver affair that had probably been picked up from a cut-price designer watch shop in Hong Kong.
“Ten-thirty,” he said. “Say, you’ve been knocked off centre, haven’t you? Missed lunch and dinner. What were you up to earlier?” He gave her a sly wink.
Juliet ignored this gesture. “Is it that late? Why didn’t you wake me, Al?”
He paused before replying. “I was a little… preoccupied myself.” A self-conscious grin spread across his face, together with a distinct flush.
“What with?” she asked, her attention freshly aroused.
“You know, Juliet…” He jangled loose change in his pocket for a few moments, and recrossed his legs. “When we first met I told you I was here on vacation. Seemed like a good way to cover my trail. But honestly, I came meaning to stay for ever.”
“Like most of you,” she murmured. “Against Craig’s better judgement.”
He looked baffled.
“So you feel differently now?” she asked.
“Guess I do. I figured it all out as I chatted to Laura an hour ago.” Now his colour deepened yet further.
Juliet began to guess Al’s news before he had the chance to share it. “And what did you and Laura say to each other?”
“We discovered we’d both been feeling the same towards each other.”
“Feeling the same? So you and Laura…?”
“Yeah, we’ve both been propping up the bar on a spiritual stopover,” said Al, “waiting for our flight to be called. And then I clicked. It was up to me to grab her, and head through that boarding gate.”
Juliet caught her breath. Surely this would be just what Craig had hoped for: the willing departure of some of his long-termers, so he could get new people in on proper, fixed-term contracts at the full commercial rate.
“Yep,” continued Al. “And Laura… she’s a real babe. The plan sounds good to her. She’s coming back home with me to the States. She’s agreed to marry me, Juliet.” And with that, Al’s face flooded with pride and happiness.
Juliet jumped up and he too rose to his feet. She flung her arms around him. “I’m so happy for you both, Al.”
“Gee, thanks.”
She let him go, and he contemplated her with affection. Then he engulfed her in a rib-crushing hug she considered worthy of a grizzly bear.
Juliet was delighted for Laura and Al. And yet she herself was in a state of inner turmoil. What was her next move? She had no idea. “Craig and Don will have to make the best of it,” she said, as Al released her.
“Yep. Afraid I draw a blank on that one. Of course, I’ll soon be out of the picture. Laura and me, we’re pretty much ready to get going.” He waited, then added, “The two of them got together in the library after lunch. Had a hunch it was about you.”
She tensed at this. “Why?” She gazed at him, hope finely blended with dread.
“One or two phrases I picked up. Afraid I’ve no idea of the outcome. Don’t let it bug you, though.” He squeezed her shoulder.
“But it does.”
He tried to distract her. “Hungry?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll go and snitch some leftovers.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll do it,” she said.
“Sure? Fine. Be seeing you.”
“Bye. And well done, Al.”
“Thanks.” And he headed off in the direction of the hallway.
Before she could make a move, the door from the dining room opened, and Theo came through. She stiffened.
“Ah,” he said brightly. “Just the person I wanted. Where have you been for most of the day? We missed you at lunch and dinner.”
“Went for a long walk,” she said. “I’m exhausted, Theo. But not because of that. Your comments shattered me. You really didn’t help.”
“Sorry you feel like that. But there are some things you need to hear. Let’s not go over that ground again though. I’ve said enough about Don.”
Even as Theo said Don’s name Juliet felt a surge of excitement, fear and doubt.
“Ah.” He studied her. “As I suspected.”
“I don’t believe you suspect anything,” she said hotly.
“Very well. Enough said, for the moment. But Juliet, do you plan to return to London?”
“Of course,” she burst out, feeling under attack. “Friday. You’re perfectly free to ask. This is work for me, you know.” But she was breathing fast, and he clearly saw that. She must speak to Don. She felt their embrace had changed everything. But did he? She must see him to find out how he felt.
“And your recordings?” persisted Theo, his expression neutral.
“Going great, thanks,” she said tightly.
“You’re still on track?”
“Of course.” She felt irate at this remark. Maybe there was one almighty mess with Craig and Don, but even so… She had to carry on. She must complete what she came for – if she could remember what it was. Right now, her brain wouldn’t cooperate. Most urgent: speak to Don. Then Craig. But Theo too. She still needed to know Zoe and Theo’s plans. “I’ll stay for another day or two,” she said. She could be sure of that at least. Now for Theo. She needed the facts from him. “Theo, I know you and I…” she began.
“…said more than we meant to, earlier?”
“Yes. But still not enough about the things that matter most.”
He lifted one eyebrow in a cryptic manner. “Of course,” he said. “I wanted another chat with you too, before going to bed.”
Juliet had meant she wanted to talk about Zoe, but wasn’t a hundred percent sure that Theo did.
“Craig and I have arranged to meet in the Monk’s Room, in ten minutes,” Theo said. “May I sound you out about something first?”
She moistened her lips. She itched with anxiety to go and find Don. But OK, Theo was here. Get it over with. She nodded, and he perched on the arm of the chair next to hers. As she looked at him, she saw the midsummer night sky beyond, full of lightness. It surprised her. Everything still seemed slightly unreal, including the time that had passed since the scene up on the woodland track.
“I understand you’re worried about Zoe, Juliet,” said Theo. “I’ll soon put your mind at rest. But as for Don… I stopped you talking about him earlier. But talk about him now if you must. And Craig.”
“First, Theo, tell me – do you know how Don is feeling right now?”
“I have a pretty good idea. He’s on the edge.”
“In what sense?” she asked.
“Well, let me put it like this,” said Theo. “With Craig rapidly squandering his inheritance – a
s Don sees it – and bankruptcy looming, Llewellyn trying to take over, and the news that his son has been harbouring a long-term mental-health sufferer with no safeguards in place, Don needed precious little else to destabilise him completely. It took only you to do that.”
“Me?” She was dumbstruck.
“Yes. And the same could be said of Craig himself. He was devastated to see you in Don’s arms.”
“I don’t see why he should be,” maintained Juliet.
“Of course you probably wouldn’t,” said Theo. “You didn’t see Craig’s face. But let’s move on from that. I had a few words with Don at lunch. He’d just taken an unexpected phone call. I won’t go into the details. But he was called away at once.”
“What?” She sat up straight, her heart lurching. “Called away? Where? For how long?”
“Don’t know. He spoke briefly to Craig, and disappeared.”
“But … why? What for?”
“Sorry. Not allowed to share that with you,” said Theo. “Packed his bags, had a bite of lunch, then left.”
Stunned, she continued to search his face, hardly able to take his words in. Had Don abandoned her? Did he regret what happened? Was this his answer? Escape? “Back to Barnsley?” said Juliet. “Has Don given up?”
“I promised to say nothing.”
For several moments she couldn’t trust herself to go on, too angry and hurt to speak. What did this mean? It was a kick in the face. Don was her only real ally here. “But…” She forced words out, in a desperate attempt to make sense of it all. “Then I must see Craig. And find out what happened. Will he be in the Monk’s Room yet?”
“Take it easy, Juliet.” He laid a restraining hand on her arm. “You know I’m about to go and join him up there. You come too.”
“Let’s go.” They both got up. She followed him into the dining room, through the doorway by the fireplace and up the narrow flight of stairs to the Monk’s Room; that small space within the thickness of the wall which Laura had first mentioned to her, formerly used by fugitives. Theo knocked at the door.
“Who’s that?” Craig’s voice sounded slurred. Had he been drinking more than usual?
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