Firefly

by Molly McAdams

  “How can I when you refuse to see what you continuously do to us?”

  He was silent for so long that if he hadn’t been holding on to me, I would’ve been sure he’d left the room. “I told you last night, it’s not that simple. Things aren’t that simple anymore. You see what I’m doing to us, maybe one day you’ll see what I’m doing for us.”

  But we were already crumbling, and if that day comes, there might not be anything of us left.

  The street fair in our tiny town was just how I remembered it . . .

  Except it wasn’t.

  The smells were still strong and enticing. The music was still loud and begged you to move to its beat. There was still that sense of ease and contentment as soon as you walked onto the main streets of downtown Wake Forest.

  But there were essential elements to these nights that were missing from it now.

  I wasn’t there with my friends. Like Teagan, the other few friends I had grown up with had mourned my death.

  I felt an odd mixture of fear and determination rather than the freedom and rebelliousness that had always slid through my veins when I’d snuck out under my mom’s nose.

  And instead of the giddy feeling deep in my stomach as I waited for my green-eyed hunter to find me, I was terrified he would.

  But though that fear grew, the need to know where Kieran had sent Conor pushed me forward even as I lost his massive, familiar frame in the crowd and got turned around more than once.

  I paused near a cluster of tables, contemplating whether I should stand on one of the chairs to get a better view or turn around and go home.

  My hand had just touched the back of a chair when a booming voice sounded behind me.

  “Future ex-wife!”

  I whirled around, hand to my chest in a vain attempt to calm my racing heart.

  Ethan held his hands out in front of him apologetically. “Hey, hey, hey, hey now. Didn’t mean to scare my love, I was just so surprised to see her.” His mouth curved into one of his charming grins, but it seemed off. “You sure do seem to scare easily, you know.”

  “Uh, well you kind of just yelled from behi—”

  “Offer still stands,” he reminded me boldly as he stepped closer.

  And it was then that I got a better look at him.

  His eyes were glazed. The charming grin he wore so often seemed off because it wasn’t charming at all. It was a mixture of his grin and a sneer.

  “Are you drunk, Ethan?”

  “I’d like to buy you coffee,” he responded, then lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Or everything. Let’s start with everything and then move to coffee.”

  I took a step away to put some distance between us, but a step from him brought him closer than before.

  “I really can’t. I told you, I have a boyfriend.”

  He cocked his head to the side, seeming to wait for something. After a few seconds, he laughed mockingly. “Well, wouldya look at that? No boyfriend,” he said in a whisper, as if he was telling me a secret. His lips twisted, that grin of his fighting to hold on. “If you ask me, Elle, he doesn’t exist.”

  I’d started shaking my head, ready to explain I did have a boyfriend even if he wasn’t there with me, but the words died on my tongue as I took another step away. A guy like Ethan or not, I wasn’t stupid enough to let him know I was alone.

  “I’m sorry you don’t believe me, but—”

  “Where you going? I wanna take you out. I wanna show my future ex-wife a good fucking time before she escapes me.”

  My eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. “And I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

  “If you wanna look at it that way. Or we could look at it this way . . . maybe you just need to get on my level. And, guess what? I can help with that, because I’m just so handy.” His bleary-eyed gaze swept my body. “If you want, I’ll show you just how many ways I can be handy. Whatdya say, milady?”

  His hopefulness at Brooks Street could have been seen as endearing if I’d wanted to be pursued by him . . . if I wasn’t the last girl he should ever try to pursue.

  But this was different.

  Alcohol distorted his charm, causing his words to give me the feeling like bugs were crawling beneath my skin. Being drunk had turned him into someone like Bailey and Finn.

  But I knew men like that, and I knew Ethan. And I had a feeling Ethan wouldn’t drink again if he knew this was what he turned into.

  “Go home.” I took another two steps away from him and wanted to scream in frustration when he matched them.

  “Care to join?”

  “Ethan, listen to me,” I pleaded. “You need to stop. You wouldn’t be acting like this if you hadn’t been drinking, but if you don’t stop, I will make you. So back away before . . .” My words trailed off when a large hand slid around my waist possessively, and my eyes fluttered shut as a whispered curse fell from my lips.

  In the second before he spoke, my heart stopped as the dread that had filled my stomach spread through the rest of my body like thick oil.

  But the deep, gravelly voice that came from behind me wasn’t Kieran’s or anyone else I knew.

  “There you are.”

  I didn’t have time to catch my breath. Didn’t have time to comprehend the rush of relief or newfound fear that surged through me when I realized Kieran wasn’t there, or that a stranger was gripping me and pulling me toward him.

  I was turned quickly, only giving me enough time to see the darkness of his eyes and hear his hushed, “Easy,” before his mouth descended upon mine.

  His lips were firm, the kiss hard and fast and completely unmemorable . . .

  At least it should have been.

  Because that’s where it should have ended.

  It never should have happened at all.

  But when I thought he’d pull away, his fingers left chills in their wake as they trailed along the soft skin of my throat to gently curl around my neck. His mouth relaxed against mine and his thumb pressed against my jaw, tilting my head back to deepen the kiss for just a moment.

  It should have been unmemorable, and some distant part of my mind knew that it needed to mean nothing.

  But it felt like that kiss had freed me.

  And it didn’t matter that I was completely unaware of what I was being freed from. All that mattered was the moment it ended . . .

  Because the breath I took following that kiss felt so deep and so pure, and like I’d been waiting hundreds of years for it.

  Awareness hummed beneath the surface. Prodding at my memory like a gentle reminder just before I opened my eyes as he slowly lifted his face from mine.

  Those eyes . . .

  Recognition slammed into me, and I was sure I would have staggered back if he hadn’t been holding me so tightly.

  “You . . .” Surprise and confusion and a need to feel free again made my voice nothing more than a breath.

  Dark, dark eyes were staring down at me, studying me as they had every week during the last two years. But his brow was drawn together like he was trying to comprehend what had just happened. As if he hadn’t been the one to initiate it.

  The hand gripping my waist tightened, and his thumb moved from my jaw to brush against my bottom lip as that same energy that always danced across my skin in his presence seemed to come alive with his touch.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, my words still soft as a whisper.

  “Think that’s obvious.” The corner of his mouth pulled up in a quick, lopsided smile before his expression fell into a mesmerizing combination of wonder and frustration.

  Oh God, his voice. As long as I’d dreamt of him, I’d wondered what his voice would sound like . . . and it was everything I’d imagined and more. Smooth and warm, and able to create a whirlwind of fire in my belly with just a few words.

  And he was now looking at me as though he was holding the greatest mystery he’d ever come across—one he was trying to talk himself out of solving.

  After a few moments in
weighted silence, an amused huff punched from his chest. “Think I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” It sounded like a confession and a denial, and it was murmured so low it should’ve been lost in the noise around us.

  But it was only him . . . only me.

  Those words felt like they were wrapping me in their warmth as the need and the pain within his declaration resonated in my mind.

  And I knew from the way his eyes seemed to demand to know my secrets, and offer to share every one of his, that I wanted to stay in that place for the rest of time.

  Only him. Only me.

  “I’ve been right here.”

  And then my world caught fire when his mouth suddenly fell onto mine again.

  My eyes fluttered shut and knees weakened when he parted my lips with his, and I became painfully, blissfully aware of the pounding of my heart for the first time in so, so long.

  Alive.

  I was alive.

  The hand on my waist slid around my back, pulling me closer against his firm chest as his tongue teased mine.

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

  My body stiffened against his when his words replayed through my mind.

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

  Oh God . . . Kieran.

  I quickly shoved away from him, ripping from his hold before he had a chance to let go.

  “Wait!”

  My gaze went everywhere. I pressed my hand to my mouth as I fought back a wave of nausea.

  He was suddenly at my side, the tips of his fingers grazing my forearm before I could yank it away.

  “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have . . .” He roughed a hand through his dark hair, gripping at it as he released an edgy laugh. “I shouldn’t have kept kissing you.”

  I shouldn’t have let him. Yet in that moment, with him so close after years at a teasing distance, I wanted his touch and his kiss more than I wanted my next breath.

  “I took it too far, I get that.” He suddenly gestured off to the side. “But he wasn’t getting the fucking hint. And then—”

  “What?” I looked in that direction, staring at the mass of faceless bodies walking by for long seconds before I remembered.

  Ethan . . .

  How could I have forgotten everything so completely the moment this man had touched me?

  And then it hit me. What he’d meant . . . why he’d kissed me at all.

  Why, after all this time, he’d put an end to our silent misery.

  A flash of hurt and embarrassment flared in my chest, and I prayed the darkness of the night would hide the blood rushing to my cheeks.

  I felt like such an idiot.

  “I had it handled, he wasn’t bothering me,” I said, my voice tight.

  His eyebrows rose in disbelief. “He told anyone who would listen that you turned him down the other day. That should’ve been enough. Tonight he kept coming after you while you repeatedly told him to stop or leave . . . that’s not bothering you?”

  I looked at him blankly as I thought through the encounter through someone else’s eyes.

  A guy repeatedly coming after a girl who’s by herself. A way to save the girl.

  But Ethan had never been anything more than an endearing, hopeful, eager puppy. There wasn’t a malicious bone in his body. He might turn into an overly confident jerk when drunk, but in the end, he wouldn’t end up harming anyone but himself.

  And the man in front of me knew that.

  Because the man in front of me? There was something dark and dangerous that radiated beneath his enticing surface and enchanting grin. Something easily noticed when you’d been raised in a similar life. A darkness easily identified when you’d embraced and loved it for so many years. And it only added to his appeal.

  Kieran had the same darkness. Only he wore his like armor.

  Men like Kieran and the one in front of me could take one look at Ethan and know any woman wouldn’t need saving from him.

  And this man had made me feel alive and free. He’d made me want so many things as long as they were with him. All with some words and kisses that never should’ve happened—because he’d thought I’d needed to be saved for a minute or two.

  I already had enough men saving me.

  “I have to go.”

  He snatched my wrist in his grasp as soon as I took a step away, and hauled me back to him. His dark eyes were dancing, the corner of his mouth pulled up in amusement. “Where are you going?”

  “Ethan never stopped me from leaving.” I meant for my voice to be hard. I meant to sneer at him. But my tone was soft and breathy as my traitorous heart silently begged him to kiss me again.

  “No,” he agreed, his eyes boring into my own. “But he hadn’t just found what he hadn’t even realized he’d been looking for.”

  My chest tightened from the ache in his words. “But I’ve been here.”

  When he spoke again, his tone was gruff, his words dripping with need and regret. “Right in front of me, and just out of reach.”

  As much as I wanted to deny everything he was saying, I understood.

  Just as there was a force pushing Kieran and I farther apart, there had always been something keeping me from this man. Keeping him at looking distance . . . keeping him an idea, a fantasy. A boundary I’d pushed at and tested . . . one I’d thought he’d attempted to get past every day he’d left me notes.

  But my life at Holloway and with Kieran was what had always kept that invisible force secure. Until tonight.

  And now, being in his arms, it was like I’d finally found him.

  As right as it felt, it was impossible to ignore the crushing force that was my struggling relationship.

  I needed to get home. I needed to get away from this man before I forgot who I was and let myself believe this constant thrum that danced between us was real.

  His free hand found that place at my neck again, his thumb gently sliding along my jaw before he was guiding my head back.

  “I have to go,” I repeated, but couldn’t force myself away from him.

  His eyes searched mine for a few seconds as he nodded, then dipped his head closer. But just when I thought he would kiss me again, his lips went to my ear. “If I let you go, how do I know I’ll find you again?”

  My brow pinched as confusion swam through me. “You know where I’ll be, just as I know where you’ll be.”

  A low rumble of a laugh sounded in his chest. “There’s something in your eyes that makes me wonder every week if it will be the last time I see you. But after tonight . . . what happens when you disappear?”

  “When that day comes, then maybe I won’t want to be found.”

  My entire body trembled when his lips grazed my jaw. “I think your answer might change if I’m the one looking for you.”

  Oh God . . .

  My body and my heart and my mind rebelled against each other. All wanting and screaming for different things.

  Just one more taste of his lips.

  To beg him to look for me.

  To realize this was a game. To run home before Conor made his way back and realized I wasn’t there—before Kieran would be the one looking for me.

  “I have to go.”

  He moved so his lips were hovering over my own, and pled, “Don’t.”

  I wanted to feel that rush. I wanted to feel my heart race. I wanted to feel alive again—if even for a second.

  But I couldn’t.

  “Please stop touching me.” The words were barely a whisper leaving my lips, but from the way his dark eyes snapped to mine, he’d heard them over the crowd and music.

  A sharp huff forced from his lungs. And after a moment, he released me and took half a step back.

  I’d just turned to leave when he called out, “Truth or dare.”

  I stopped, but didn’t look back at him for a few seconds as I told myself to leave. Against my better judgment, I looked over my shoulder—my confusion plain in my expression.

  “
Truth or dare,” he repeated in that deep, rough tone. His expression pleading.

  My head shook absentmindedly before I finally shrugged. “Truth.”

  “Why did you come out tonight?”

  My chest tightened, and it suddenly became hard to breathe as I wondered who this man was—if he was somehow connected to my family.

  “I was bored,” I said tightly and stared straight ahead as I began walking.

  I hadn’t made it two steps before his hands wrapped around my upper arms, and he pulled me to a stop so my back was pressed to his muscled chest. “Lie,” he whispered against my ear.

  The mixture of his lips brushing my ear and his hushed tone made me shiver. The feel of him pressed against me stole my focus so completely I didn’t catch that he’d called me out on my lie until moments later.

  I quickly thought of his face, trying to place it somewhere along the men who worked for my dad or Kieran—but came up empty.

  “Truth or dare,” he said again, causing my stomach to drop.

  “Why are you doing this?”

  “Because I felt your reaction to me. Saw it.”

  My breath rushed out and knees shook with relief when he didn’t call me out, and I knew he couldn’t have been with my family—couldn’t have known who I was. If he had, he would’ve taken me back to the property any one of the mornings he’d seen me at the café.

  “And now you’re trying to leave . . .” His words were a rumble from deep within his chest, the sound so primal that I wanted to shut my eyes and get lost in his voice and the intoxicating current that hummed where he touched me. “So, truth or dare.”

  My heart was racing. Each pounding beat so forceful I was sure he felt it from being pressed against me.

  “Truth,” I whispered.

  His hands trailed down my arms until his fingers were loosely encircling my wrists. “Do you really want me to let you go?”

  I swallowed thickly before answering, “I need you to.”

  Before he could respond in any way—by word, by releasing me, by pulling me closer—I jerked against his hold when loud voices suddenly came from behind and beside us.

  “Dare!”

  “Where’d you go?”

  “We got so much food. It’s time to feast. Oh, oh.”