by Kody Boye
Already knowing that there would be a lecture were he and Katarina to continue this conversation, he gave her a silent warning with his eyes not to say anything before crossing the room to join her at the table. Arms across her chest, eyes set to her lap, Nova pressed a hand on her back to rub her shoulder and found her tense beneath his touch.
“You all right?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” Katarina said. “Why?”
“You feel tense.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Is something wrong?” Ketrak frowned.
“No,” Nova said, more to his wife than anyone. “Nothing’s wrong. Don’t worry about it.”
The glance Katarina offered could have frozen his bones.
Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to his wife’s ear and whispered, as softly as he could, “I had a meltdown last night.”
When he pulled away, Katarina’s eyes faltered, briefly illuminating them in an outstanding somber light.
If your eyes could talk, he thought, then they would recite the world’s greatest poetry.
“We’ll talk about it later,” he mouthed. “Just not here in front of your father.”
“All right,” she whispered. “Nova.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” he whispered, pressing his lips to her cheek.
After rising from his place beside her, he began to walk toward the door, but stopped before he could make it any further. “I’m going to see if I can find Carmen,” he said, throwing his eyes over his shoulder to look at his wife.
“What for?”
“To bounce some stuff off her.”
Katarina offered no reply. Nova didn’t bother to wait for one. He walked out the door without looking back a second time.
“Are you sure this is something you should be talking to me about instead of your wife?” Carmen asked, slamming the brunt of her weight into the hammer to secure a nail in place. “I mean, this seems more like husband and wife stuff than Carmen and Nova stuff.”
“Carmen and Nova stuff?” he laughed, crossing his arms as the first of the wooden planks were placed across the northern end of the house. “Where did you come up with that?”
“On a whim. Haven’t you noticed I say most of my shit like that?”
“I’ve noticed, but I’ve never decided to comment on it.”
“Eh, whatever.” Carmen made her way through where the door would soon be placed and stepped up to his side. “Tell me what’s on your mind, bud.”
“I’m about to lose my mind, Carmen, and I sure as hell don’t want to do it in front of my wife.”
“Your stubbornness is felt for sure.”
“How have you been keeping yourself under control?”
“To be perfectly honest, I’ve only known Odin for a little while. The attachment isn’t as harsh. That isn’t to say that being sad or worried is a bad thing—because let me tell you, that’s the best damn thing a friend can feel about someone else—but worrying too much isn’t going to get you anywhere good.”
“I know.”
“Which is why you need to let it all out. Quit keeping it bottled up. Talk to your wife. She is, after all, the woman you married.”
“I don’t want to upset her.”
“Don’t you think it’ll upset her more if you keep your feelings away from her?”
“I—“
“You shouldn’t be worried about that, Nova.”
“I’m not.”
“Then what are you worried about?”
“The baby.”
A frown crossed Carmen’s face to the point where her cheeks puffed out and offered a slight, babyish look to her visage. Nova tried to keep from sighing, but found himself unable to do so in spite of his strength and courage in the matter.
Your intentions are good, he thought, nodding, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. You know they are.
To bestow upon his wife his emotions that could so easily overwhelm him would be to throw her into a swift river and expect her to know how to swim. Were she not able to, she would be swept away, while were she able to she would have to brave the waters and return to shore. She would have to give her all or succumb to her inhibitions, but where would that leave the baby, if not dead or distressed? Would it suffer within the womb, a child strangled by its umbilical cord, or would it simply persist, endlessly waiting for its day to come?
“I can understand you not wanting to stress her out,” Carmen sighed, “but like I said, it’ll only make it worse if you keep things from her.”
“How am I supposed to bring this up then?”
“Maybe by taking her for a walk. Weren’t you two doing your regular exercises out by the lake anyway? That’s a nice place to go and sit, maybe even have a little picnic. Hey!” she cried, jumping up, then down. “That’s what you should do! Make a lunch and go out by the river after the pages come in from their afternoon training!”
“I highly doubt that’ll be the best way to bring this up.”
“At least it’ll give you something to break the ice, right? That way, you don’t have to worry about her father harping on you, and at least you’ll get to enjoy the weather while it’s somewhat nice.”
“I guess,” Nova said, shaking his head.
“Whatever you decide to do, Nova, know that I have your back. I’m more than willing to help out if you’re not sure what to do. I am, you know, nearly forty years older than you. I may be a spring chicken, but I’ve got a helluva lot more life experience than you.”
“Thank you, Carmen. That means a lot.”
“Don’t thank me. Go down to the kitchen and get yourself some food and a sheet. I’m sure your wife will be all the happier knowing that you want to confide in her.”
He prepared in a slight bag packs of treats, chocolates, snack cakes and vegetables he specially ordered from the chefs for his and Katarina’s afternoon excursion. More than pleased with himself about the preparation, Nova wore a smile broad and jovial as he led them hand-in-hand across the training grounds toward the dock that peeked out over the edge of the pond.
While no outside force that could have stopped him from enjoying the moment, he took extra care to keep himself composed for fear that Katarina would use her innate ability to pick up on things subtle and wrong.
She’s your wife, his conscience whispered, once more atop his back and scrambling for hold on his head. Of course she knows what’s going on.
Did she, though? It wasn’t as though the false front he put on would lead her to the conclusion that they were doing anything other than enjoying husband-and-wife time—unless, of course, a certain expression had crossed his face, or the frown lines around his mouth had permanently sealed themselves across his face.
Growing more paranoid by the second and desperate to keep his façade under control, he tightened his hold around Katarina’s hand and stepped, carefully, out onto the dock, testing the planks below for fear that they would inexplicably cave out from beneath them.
“This is what you get,” Nova mumbled, “for overthinking everything.”
“Sorry?” Katarina asked.
“I’m talking to myself,” he replied. “Don’t worry, hon.”
“Are you sure we should be eating out on the dock?”
“Why shouldn’t we?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to get harassed by the guards.”
“Fuck them. This is our picnic, not theirs. They can make their own if they want one so bad.”
With a smile on her face, Katarina settled down at the edge of the dock and allowed her feet to dangle above the water as Nova began to unroll the sheet that would serve as their picnic cover. The sound of crows alight in the distance, laughing and jeering likely at the stupid humans who prepared to do stupid human things, Nova lifted his head to eye the creatures that sat in the far trees across the pond and offered them a brief nod as one spread its wings as if beckoning for a fight.
; “They’re funny little things,” Katarina said, as if echoing his sentiments verbally instead of mentally.
“They are,” Nova agreed. “What do you want first?”
“A snack cake would be fine.”
He pulled one of the miniaturized treats from its paper wrapping and offered it to his wife.
All right, he thought, watching Katarina as she began to nibble at her treat. How am I going to do this?
The most obvious way to do it was to just come right out and say it. Katarina, he would proclaim, his voice not in the least proud and sounding like something resembling a cross between a scared boy and a mouse, I’ve been having some problems and I need to talk to you about them.
He would then say, in clear, precise and extraneous detail, that Miko’s sudden and unexpected death had struck him in ways he could have never possibly imagined. He’d always considered the Elf a friend—had, in ways, even went so far as to call him a brother—but the fact that they had always been so emotionally distant had left him feeling troubled as to what could have been going through his head near the end of his life. He knew that the Elf suffered, if only because of his age and the implications that came from it, and knew that regardless of the false exterior he put on there seemed to be something dwelling beneath the surface, knotting itself into a black tumor and eating him alive. Coupled with Odin’s explicit disappearance, it seemed he’d just been struck between the eyes by a hammer and expected to see straight for the next three days. No man could run blind and expect not to run into barriers, no person could look forward and see with eyes clouded by blood, and no man, woman or child could expect to count the individual stones in the path when they could not see a thing. To believe such an ordeal was to diminish the human character to a point where they might as well all have been blind like moles beneath the earth who see and feel nothing more than vibrations within the earth.
“Katarina,” he said, drawing his wife’s name out to catch her attention.
“Yes?” she asked.
“I… I need to talk to you about something. Something important.”
“What is it, honey?”
Here goes nothing.
With a deep breath, a long exhale and an even more threatening case of the shakes throughout his arms, he said, “I’ve been having some trouble over the past weeks.”
“Nova?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed it or not, but… well… I’ve been having a really rough time and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it to myself.”
“I knew something was wrong,” she sighed, setting the last half of her snack cake down. “When you left last night…”
“Yeah?”
“You were having a moment, weren’t you?”
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.”
“What’s going on, Nova? What’re you feeling?”
“Like I did nothing to help a person I considered a friend—like I sat by and watched him die before abandoning his son to watch him run dozens of leagues away to a place he could be dead in.”
“Don’t think that.”
“How can’t I when almost all I think about is whether or not he’s alive?” he asked, struggling to maintain his composure as what felt like a sob began to rise in his chest. “Goddammit, Katarina—it’s like I turned a blind eye and left him to die just like his father.”
“You did no such thing.”
“Yes I did, honey, because if I’d’ve known something was going on, I would’ve stopped him before he even had the chance to think about leaving.”
“You can’t blame yourself for Odin’s actions,” she said, reaching up to set a hand on his face and stroking the end of his beard with the tip of her thumb. “He’s a grown man. He should know what he’s doing.”
“But that’s the thing—he doesn’t know what he’s doing because he’s completely out of his mind.”
“I’m sure he had to have some sense to know what he was doing, otherwise he would’ve turned back already.”
“How do you know, Katarina? How do you know he didn’t run off and get himself killed?”
“Because I know Odin has courage that allows him to do things that most normal people wouldn’t be able to. His mind, Nova… all that time locked up in that tower had to have taught him something about remaining strong and determined despite whatever was set against him.”
“You really think so?”
“I do,” she said. “And I know that, one day, he’ll come back. I don’t know when that will be, and I can’t say whether or not that will be anytime soon, but I know that he loves you more than anything else in the world. You’re a good friend, honey, and an even stronger man for leaving home when you were just eighteen to help him reach his dream.”
“He didn’t get his dream.”
“But he got something so much more. He won’t let that go to waste.”
“How do you know?”
“Do I really need to answer that,” Katarina said, “or are you just asking because you can’t find it in your heart to believe it?”
Can I?
Nova closed his eyes.
A splash in the near distance echoed through his ears.
When he opened his eyes and saw ripples spreading across the water, he thought he saw his and his wife’s reflection in the pool directly before them.
“Don’t keep your feelings locked up,” Katarina said, sliding her palm over his hand to lace their fingers together. “It’ll hurt you in the end.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you or the baby.”
“There’s no way you could ever hurt me, Nova. Besides—if this baby’s as strong as I think it is, it isn’t going to let a little something like this bother it, are you, honey?” Katarina reached down and caressed her stomach.
Nova pushed his palm forward.
When their hands touched above the swell in her abdomen, he felt for a brief time a moment of clarity that seemed to dispel all of the horrible things from the world.
That feeling made him feel like the luckiest man in the world.
One day, Odin would return. When, he couldn’t possibly know, but until then, he had all the time in the world.
Here, in the present, he had a family to worry about.
Until the time came when his friend returned from the south, he needed to concentrate on the matters at hand, otherwise he may end up spiraling out of control.
They ate the rest of their meal in silence, only occasionally speaking to comment on the wayward bird or even the occasional fish they saw swimming beneath their feet. Content with the silence and the fact that things, despite their harsher connections, seemed fine, their lips remained sealed throughout the picnic until they rose, gathered themselves up and began to make their way to the castle.
There, walking the halls and likely toward their room, was Carmen, whistling something under her breath and shaking her head to the tune.
“Hello,” Katarina said.
The Dwarf jumped and looked with wide eyes in their direction before she settled down and offered a slight smile. “Hello,” she replied.
“Are you still helping the men build the house?”
“I’ve been helping, yeah. Was about to stop by on my break and see how the two of you were doing.”
“We’re doing great,” Katarina said, sliding her arm around Nova’s waist. “Aren’t we?”
Better than we were, he thought, though decided to say nothing if only to secure the clarity of the movement.
After reaching forward and pumping the Dwarf’s small wrist, Nova allowed the little creature to lead them through the winding halls with guards stationed at every corner until they came to their room. Once there, Nova reached down, pulled a key from his pocket, then allowed the three of them into the room before closing the door behind them.
In the very corner of the room, Ketrak slept silently, torso sprawled out in one of the armchairs and legs dangling from beneath them.
“I should probably leave,” the
Dwarf said, taking a few steps back and into Nova’s legs. “Sorry, bud.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he replied.
“You don’t have to leave,” Katarina said. “He’ll wake up once he hears us talking anyway.”
“Pardon?” Ketrak asked, cracking his eyes upon.
Katarina smiled almost immediately. “Nothing, father. Don’t worry about it.”
“Hello Carmen.”
“Hello,” Carmen replied.
“How are you doing today?”
“I’m well, thanks.”
“Still working hard?”
“More than ever,” the Dwarf agreed, stepping forward and hopping onto one of the chairs. “Nova and Katarina just got back from a picnic.”
“A picnic?” the older man asked. “That had to be nice, especially since the weather isn’t bed yet.”
“It will be though,” Nova said, bracing an arm around his wife’s shoulders when she bowed her head and reached up to rub her eyes. “Are you all right, hon?”
“It seems like only yesterday that we were coming up from Bohren,” she said. “I still can’t believe it’s gone.”
“I’m sure it won’t be much longer before it’s back to normal,” Ketrak said, crossing his arms before leaning back in his seat. “The king has to do something about it, doesn’t he?”
No, Nova thought. He doesn’t.
Like several of the smaller villages within the country that had started and failed either due to lack of populations or agricultural reasons, Bohren could simply be declared a dead zone and never repopulated again. Combined with the fact that most ordinary individuals would not want to live in such a place that had once been attacked by the enemy and the fact that, for all intents and purposes, people would rather stay away from the Germanian border as much as possible, it would be a miracle if the king actually instated a cause to return the town to its former glory.
The idea that the place he had grown up in for most of his life turning to nothing more than a ghost town more than obvious in his mind and the all-too-familiar revelation that he’d been captured by the army there prevalent in the worst ways possible, Nova settled down at the foot of Katarina’s bed and stared at the floor, desperate to escape the feelings attempting to rush forward like floodwaters from the great Sylinian river.