by Nicole Reed
I remember that beautiful lost girl that was sitting at the bar that fall day when I walked through the doors. Your dark hair caught my eye first because, well, you were wrong about blondes. It’s the brunettes that get me, every damn time, but it’s those sad grey eyes that grabbed me around the throat and wouldn’t let go. Those stormy eyes that stole my breath in that first moment I turned toward you. I think I covered my reaction pretty well, but yeah, you took away the very air I breathe as I watched those eyes devour me from head to toe. My body still reacts thinking how your gaze traveled down, back up, and then they landed on me looking back, unashamed. I ask myself every day if the sadness in your soul recognized the hell mine had been through.
Shit, that sounds fucking crazy, but well, I feel like a crazy-fucker these days. Your piss and vinegar attitude turned me on instead of off. I saw the sweet girl trying to be the mean girl underneath. I'm a sucker for the sweet tough ones. I never would have guessed that I could fall for someone as fast as I did for you, and when I say fall, I don’t mean that “love at first sight” shit. I mean, LIKE you. I was drawn to you, and I just wanted to be around you. I just wanted to be with you, to hear your voice. I just wanted to see where all our shit could go, but too many things were stacked against us.
I started putting your shit together long before you think I did. Pieces kept falling in place, but damn, I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Then one night, I learn what your future plans are (or lack thereof) and the next, you and I are over. It all happened way too fucking fast, and even after everything I thought I knew came out, the reality was so much worse.
God, when I got that call from Jill, it broke me. For you, it broke me, because as mad as hell as I was at you for picking JT, I didn’t want any of that to happen. My first thought was that you would need me, and I never second guessed that. Yeah, I get that you probably didn’t want me there at the hospital, but damn it, I know you needed me. BUT now, I don’t know. Do you need me or even want me around? I’m second guessing what I’m doing with you now. I’m here for you, that’s not going to change, but my life can’t stay in pause.
What have you done to me, girl? I’ll be here if you need me. Just always know that.
Love....Kane
Tapping my fingers on the desk, I think back to us. I reflect on how fast everything happened with Kane: the emotions, the feelings, and the relationship. It all happened so fast. Was he another prince that I thought could rescue me from my glass castle? I don’t understand how he still could want to be there for me after everything that happened? After hearing my secrets and my shame, he’s still around. Everything was ripped wide open for everyone to see, and he’s still here. I dumped him and threw him away, but he came back. That’s the main reason I haven’t responded back to him. He deserves better, and he needs to move on.
Taking a deep breath, I skip his other letter and unfold the last one he sent. This one gets harder to read every time, but strangely, it comforts me. Sometimes you can’t control the feelings you have for someone.
Jay,
TWO FUCKING MONTHS since I’ve seen you or heard from you. I’m not mad, maybe a little hurt, but as you would tell me I’ll get over it. Things are going much better here. The main reason I am writing you now is to tell you I’m sorry about sending those other letters. I wanted you to know that I have got my shit together and moving on with my life.
I’ll always be here for you. Whatever you need. Just always know that.
Kane
Clutching his letter to my chest, I close my eyes. It’s what I wanted, but then again, it’s not. With his letter still in my hand, I stand and go to lie down on my bed. The tightness in my chest spreads, and my breaths quicken. I close my eyes and work to slow my breathing. The panic attacks started about a month ago. I’ve learned to control them by myself mostly, and the medication helps. Once I can breathe normally, my fragile mind finally takes a rest. My eyes are heavy, so I close them and let sleep claim me.
My eyes pop open. I’m sitting in a chair with my head leaning back. Facing up, I blink rapidly to try to see through the glare of the harsh lights. I know instantly, without looking down, that I’m in my dream room surrounded by four white walls. Forcing my eyes closed, I try to convince myself to wake up, but nothing happens. I can feel the cold metal of the chair I’m sitting in as it seeps into my body. Lowering my head and opening my eyes, my heart skips when I notice who occupies the chair across from me. JT sits there in his football jersey and jeans, the same clothing he had on the night of the accident. His shirt is saturated in blood, and the ruby red drops run down his jeans. His head hangs low, and his dark hair is disheveled as his hands tunnel through it. He whispers quietly, but I am unable to hear him.
Suddenly, my dark angel appears and sits down beside me, crossing his arms and legs. His crisp white button up shirt with his worn washed jeans and bare feet make him devilishly handsome. He turns his black eyes towards me, “Ye have heard that it hath been said, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” His voice sends chills down my spine. “Did you think your God, Jay, would not expect a life for a life? Ah, poor little lost boy.” He glances toward JT. “You know you can join him for all eternity if you’d like? It would be a shame not to.” Looking away, I try to get up and call to JT, but I can’t move. My silence didn’t help me before, and it will not help me now. I know that I need to get to him. My devil laughs loudly at me, and I lean my head back, screaming.
I awake from my dream with tears streaming down my cheeks and feeling battered and broken on the inside. I yell into my pillow, smothering the sound. A knock sounds at my door a second before it opens. Tami, one of the nurses on staff, peeks her head around the door.
“Jay, you’re late for group session.”
The room is dark enough that she doesn’t notice my tears, or she chooses to ignore them.
Clearing my voice, I answer back, “I’ll be right there.”
Rising from the bed, I wipe the tears from my face. I look into the one mirror above my desk and brush out my tangled hair, thinking about my dream. I still have them, and actually, they are more frequent now. Sometimes they’re worse; the dreams where JT speaks to me crush me. I’d rather have nightmares that scare me to death than to have my soul rung out and left wanting him, but it’s not only him I want.
My dark hair lies limp, and my dull grey eyes show little life. I’ve lost weight, and my sunken cheeks look bruised in the light. This is one diet I never wanted to be on. Pulling my hair back, I take one last look in the mirror. This is the reason I don’t look closely at myself; I can’t stand who I see staring back at me. That girl has never done anything but cause me heartbreak. She is the reason I lost myself and the reason I lost the ones I love the most, but she’s always there. It’s always her.
Turning around, I head down to the group therapy room. As I walk in, I notice everyone sitting with their chairs in a circle. Dr. Gale is in the middle talking as usual. My gaze automatically goes to a new face in our small crowd who is staring back at me. He looks to be about my age with the thickest, wavy- brown hair that I have ever seen. His light brown skin hints of Hispanic heritage. Dark and soulful brown eyes look towards me and back to Dr. Gale. I question what this guy’s story is.
“Glad you could join us, James,” Dr. Gale says sarcastically.
“It’s Jay, Dr. Gale. I think you’re getting senile in your old age seeing that I have to remind you at every session. It can’t be good when the ‘crazies’ are the one correcting you. If I were you, I would get that checked out.”
Sitting down in an empty chair, I try not to glance in the new guy’s direction again. The weight of at least fifteen pairs of eyes rests on me, and the silence is deafening. Finally, I look back at Dr. Gale. He’s young. I would probably say he’s in his mid-thirties, and he reminds me of that teacher on T.V. with the singing cast. He is tall with light brown hair and hazel eyes. He has a slight smile on his face that he can’t hide from me; I can tell h
e is thinking about what he’s going to say next. Mr. Gale might not admit it, but he likes this verbal sparring.
“Jay sounds like a bird or letter in the alphabet. I think we’ve been over this before. James sounds like a nice, unusual name for a lady. So James, we are talking about our favorite places to visit. What is yours?”
“Why.....it’s here with you, Dr. Gale,” I say smirking at him. He just shakes his head.
He turns to the girl beside me and asks her the same lame-ass question. I forget about the new guy and listen to Dr. Gale for the remaining time. When we are finished, I get up to leave, but Dr. Gale calls my name before I can escape.
“James, I need to see you for a second.”
Great, now I’m going to have to listen to a lecture for being late. Sitting back down, I wait for the room to clear. Dr. Gale moves near me and sits two seats over. He crosses his dark denim clad legs followed by his arms, bunching up his white shirt.
“Any certain reason you were late today?”
“Sorry, I fell asleep.”
“Do you feel more fatigued recently? We may need to adjust some of your medications.”
“No, really, I’m fine.” Smiling, I stand up. “Thanks, Dr. Gale.”
“Sit down, James. I’m not finished speaking with you.”
Sighing, I flop back down in my chair and look at him. Imitating his posture, I cross my arms and legs and simultaneously cock my head to the side.
“How about your dreams? Are they getting worse?”
Raising my head, I glare at him. I haven’t discussed any of my dreams with him, only Dr. Raines.
“James, you know that Dr. Raines and I have to discuss our patients when they refuse to talk to us. You know, like everyone else, that we do talk with each other. We don’t discuss specifics. She just wanted to know if you talked about your dreams during our sessions.”
“I don’t talk about anything during ‘our sessions’. I’m sorry that I do not feel the need to lay out my feelings for our little group of ‘lost boys and girls’ or to play the game of whose life sucks more.” My voice rises with agitation.
“All we are trying to do is help you. Sometimes people open up better in a group setting, and I am sorry, but as long as you are here, they are mandatory. You would be surprised, if you would just open up, to find out that you are not alone.”
“Not going to happen, Dr. Gale. I’ll attend because I have to, but any opening up will be done in private.”
“If that is what helps you, then, by all means, keep doing what you’re doing. Just keep in mind the goal that we have here is that you find, within yourself, a place of peace. So when you leave here, you can function happily for yourself. The only other thing that I want to point out is that a group session helps you connect. Connecting to people is another important factor in your recovery from depression. Letting someone in so they may know the signs of when you’re feeling down is crucial. Just something to think about,” Dr. Gale finishes and stands with a look of resignation on his face.
I do realize they are both trying to help me. I understand that Dr. Raines and Dr. Gale are not the enemies, but talking about me has always been my problem. I’d rather bottle it up and bury it than discuss it. Standing, I look up at him. “I know that you all are just trying to help...”
“Jay,” he says, interrupting me and shaking his head, “it is more than that. I want to make sure that that sassy girl that acts like she’s not listening to every word spoken during each session finds a reason to live. I want to know that she looks at life and sees an endless road of journeys and adventures instead of roadblocks and dead ends. I can’t make that decision for you, but I can help you find the tools to get you to a better emotional place. You just have to let me.”
Smiling, I don’t think he realizes what he just called me. “I know. I know. It’s just hard for me to let anyone in, but I’ll try. That’s all I can promise for now,” I reply turning around to leave.
“To try is all I can ask,” he says as I walk out of the room.
Heading back to my room, I decide to skip dinner again. Living this life is not easy. In fact, I can’t remember a time when it was. I get nauseous just thinking about letting people in or allowing anyone to get close, but one person comes to my mind - Kane. Sitting down on my bed, I grab my iPod and let the music soothe my bruised and tattered soul.
~~~~~~~
The next couple days pass as all the days before. The only difference is the new guy. He doesn’t talk about why he’s here, but he manages to find a way to participate in the group sessions. I’m sure Dr. Gale loves that. I can’t help but notice that he continuously looks at me, and honestly, it’s getting annoying. What kind of guy tries to pick up girls in a nut house?
Following our next group session, Mr. I-like-the-crazy-ones, makes his move.
Smiling, he nods and says in a deep baritone voice, “Hi.”
I really don’t have time to deal with him. Leaning towards him I whisper, “Sorry, call me ‘crazy’, but I really don’t believe this is an appropriate place to ‘pick up girls.’ Well, you know, with ‘crazy’ being the operative term here. I’m so not interested.”
His forehead bunches up as he looks at me. With a little laugh, he shakes his head and says, “Uh, I was just going to introduce myself, but since you seem to think you’re God’s gift to guys, I’ll move out of the way so someone else can kiss your ass.”
He turns to leave the room, and once he exits, his laugh echoes down the hallway behind him. Momentarily stunned, I stand with my eyes fixed on the doorway, and all I can do is shake my head. Who the hell does he think he is? He’s the one with the staring problem. Ugh!
When Sunday’s visitation rolls around, my mother visits by herself again. I requested that Mrs. Higgins not come.
“Hey, honey,” I hear as my mother, loaded down with bags, hugs me upon entering my room. “I’ve brought you some new yoga pants and t-shirts,” she says as she lays everything on my bed. Turning around, she grabs me for another swift hug and kisses both cheeks. She releases me and pulls back to look into my eyes. “If you lose any more weight, Jay, you are going to blow away.”
I smile innocently and reply, “Mom, you know the suicide watch diet is the latest rage.”
“Not funny, Jay. Not funny at all,” she says, looking at me like I’m deranged. Maybe I am. I know what she is going to say next, and the words make me cringe. I let out a loud sigh.
“Sorry your dad couldn’t visit today. He sends his love and will call this week, but he had a flight out this morning. The business has been so busy with the amount of T.V. shows and movies coming to Georgia recently. Your dad is even thinking about hiring another pilot to help out. You’ll never believe who he had to fly in last week. You know those kids from the vampire show that films here locally? They are here working on stuff for the upcoming season. He said they were such a nice group.”
My parents own and operate a small airfield that caters to the rich and famous, and they are both licensed pilots. My dad just hired extra help so my mother can stay home with me. He isn’t handling me being here very well. In fact, he’s only visited twice since I signed myself in. It doesn’t bother me that he hasn’t visited much; however, his silence is killing me.
“It’s okay, Mom. I know he is busy.”
My mother sits down on the bed and begins to pull everything out of the bags. She has included new bras, panties, and socks. Focused on the plethora of undergarments, she softly beings to speak. “I wish you didn’t need any of this, Jay. I am so ready for you to come home.” Tears fill her eyes as she looks up at me, and her voice quivers. “Don’t you think you’ve been here long enough? Next week is Thanksgiving, and I would really like for you to celebrate with us at home.”
I walk towards the window and watch the wind blow the multi-colored leaves off the trees. My chest begins to tighten, and I instantly start counting in my head to slow my breathing. Tears swim in my eyes, blurring my vision, as I lean
my head against the window pane. The cold glass chills my forehead, and I feel the weight of my mother’s hand on the small of my back.
“If here is where you need to be, Jay, I understand. Your father, nor myself, want to rush you. We just miss you.”
“Well, I missed you for years when I was home alone. Did you miss me then? While you were off taking care of others, I was at home wishing I was dead and planning a way to make it happen. Where were you then?”
Her swift intake of breath destroys me, but her hand stays, like an anchor, on my back. I don’t know if she is holding me from drifting further away or steadying herself. Anger rises within me. I can’t control it, and I want to hurt anyone and everyone around me. I want to make them hurt like I hurt. This is why I stay away from people; I am physically unable to restrain myself. It’s eating me alive, and I can do nothing to stop it.
“I am so sorry, Jay. I was so excited to start the business with your father. You know, I met him when I was working as an airline steward. After you were born, I stayed home, but when you started school, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Your father encouraged me to get my pilot license, and when the opportunity came to start our own business, I was like a kid in a candy store. Every dream I ever had was so close, but I had to make a decision. You were always like a little adult, and I guess it was because we treated you like one. At first, your grandmother would stay with you when we had overnight trips, but when you turned sixteen, we thought you would be okay. We asked you, but I think we were blinded by our own dreams.”
Her voice breaks, and a sob escapes her. A tremor goes through my body. I didn’t realize how mad I was at her until this moment. Pain washes over me in waves. I grit my teeth as it violently tugs at my heart, trying its best to rip it from my chest. Anger-laced tears stream down my face.
My voice is barely a whisper, but the words seep out from deep within. “I needed you. I just needed you.”