Ruining You

by Nicole Reed

  Molly, Reed, and Cal returned to school, but at least one of them stops by most days to hang out after class. I’ve been trying to get out of the house a little more, so one day while out for a drive, I decide to dip into the local market to grab a sandwich. I pull into the parking space and feel a prickle of unease as I open the door to get out. It’s that feeling again. Chills run up my neck, making the hair stand on end. I glance anxiously around the parking lot, but I see no one. It’s just me, and I’m being ridiculous.

  Walking inside, I smile at some of the cashiers and head over to the deli. I rummage through my purse to make sure I have some cash. Great, I did throw a twenty dollar bill in there. Glancing up, I freeze. Nausea rolls like mighty waves crashing against my stomach. Standing before me ordering at the deli is Coach Branch, laughing at something the lady making his sandwich is saying. He looks fine, like nothing ever happened. He’s just a handsome normal man standing in jeans and a red polo shirt, not looking an inch like the evil bastard he is.

  Turning slightly, he seems to finally notice me. His lips turn up into a smile, and he has the audacity to wink at me. Bile rises swiftly into my throat. I turn around and stumble out of the store. I barely make it outside before vomiting all over the sidewalk and my shoes. Swiping the back of my hand across my mouth, I try to control the shudders that riddle my spine.

  The automatic door of the market slides open, and out he walks. Not even looking at me, he strolls by and mutters, “Miss me, Jay?”

  I watch in horrified silence as he gets in his car and drives away. I never want to see him again. Walking to my car, I slip my shoes off before I get in and decide to just leave them in the parking lot. It takes several minutes for the shaking to subside enough for me to safely drive home. Terror claws at my chest, and I click the door lock several times, making sure I am secure.

  Finally, once I am able to drive away, I wonder what the chances are of us running into each other again. It’s a small town, but not that small. Next time will be easier. I should be able to hold myself together and ignore him. He said that just to get to me because he knows he can. He’s not supposed to have any contact with me, but who would believe me if I told?

  I arrive home and walk in as my mother is walking out.

  “Hey, Jay. I’ve got to run over to the office to pick up some papers your dad left. Do you want to ride with me? Wait. Where are your shoes?” she asks, looking down at me feet.

  “No, I’m fine to stay here, and I spilled something on my shoes.”

  “Oh, okay? I’ll see you later then.”

  She rushes out and closes the door behind her. Realizing that I’m alone, I panic for a second. Maybe I should have gone with her, but it’s too late now. She’s already at the end of the street. I quickly arm the alarm and run upstairs. I wish he wouldn’t have said anything to me. Why couldn’t he just walk out and leave like he’s supposed to? With my thoughts in a mess, I jump a mile into the air when my phone rings.

  “Hello?”

  “What kind of ship never sinks?”

  Knowing immediately who it is, I sigh with relief. “I don’t know. What?”

  “A friendship. Get it? A friend...ship.”

  “I don’t know, Eli. If you keep delivering these lame ass jokes, it just might.” It’s been way too long since we have spoken.

  “Whatever, you know you miss me.”

  “Yes, I have missed you, and you haven’t even called.”

  “Sorry, we went on a vacation after Christmas. It’s been crazy busy. What’s new with you?”

  I tell him about visiting JT’s grave and about Kane. Well, it’s more like the lack of seeing Kane or understanding anything he says or does. “He gives me this locket that means the world to me, but in the same breath he says things that confuse me. I know that he calls my mother regularly to check in. It’s all so confusing. I’m just trying to move on with my life, and then I have issues like today.”

  “What kind of issues?”

  Oh no. I really can’t tell anyone else, but why can’t I tell Eli? So, I spill everything about running into Coach Branch. After I am finished, he is silent for a minute.

  “You have to call the police.”

  “And say what, Eli? I have no proof. It’s my word against his, and that’s not even working now. I just want it all to go away without me having to do anything. Is that too much to ask?”

  “What do you mean about not doing anything, Jay? Don’t you have to testify against him in court?”

  I don’t say anything, letting the silence speak for me.

  “Jay, what happens if you don’t testify? Do they have enough evidence that you don’t have to?”

  “Eli, I...I don’t want to testify. I can’t. The lawyers say that, without my testimony, he will probably walk free, but the thought of getting on the stand in front of everyone….I can’t do it.”

  “My God, Jay. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just be here for me. Please. I need someone that I can tell everything to without them freaking out that I’m going to slice my wrist open.”

  “I’m here, Jay. I’m just worried about you and your safety.”

  “Thanks Eli, but I have enough people worried about me. Just worry with me, okay?”

  He lets out a loud sigh, “Okay. Listen. I was thinking about coming over and hanging out after school one day. I miss talking to you.”

  “Sure, just text me. How’s everything with your dad?”

  “Good for now. I have to run, but I’ll text you next week.”

  “Sounds good. Bye, Eli.”

  “Bye,” he says, hanging up.

  ~~~~~~~

  More days pass, like sand slipping through my fingers. My first visit with my therapist goes okay. She is no Dr. Raines, but she listens. Actually, she lowers the dosage on some of my medication. I haven’t felt any difference, so that must be a good thing. I’m almost finished with my online credits for school, and my parents were able to get me into the local community college. I registered for two college credit courses, and I’m scheduled to attend on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. It gets me out of the house, and I know some of the students from Jackson Heights, so I’m kind of excited.

  Kane calls and texts, but I continue to ignore him. I know he calls my mom, and she tells him I just need space. Rhye calls weekly, and I look forward to it. There is an easy and comfortable camaraderie between us. He’s seen me at my worst and still cares for me. Why didn’t I realize how funny he was before? He hasn’t heard anything about his demos, so he and the band continue to play a couple nights a week at Vortex. He continues to beg me to come out and listen, but so far, I’ve declined.

  There is one person that I’ve put off seeing. Mrs. Higgins, JT’s mom, has patiently waited for me to come see her. I know because my mother reminds me daily. As I walk out to my car after class, my body goes into autopilot, and I know where I need to go. I click the remote to unlock the doors, and I feel the eerie tingle again. The feeling of being watched pricks at the back of my mind. My eyes dart from one end of the parking lot to the other. I think I see someone, but once again, it’s just a flash. I’m driving myself crazy with this. At least twice a week I experience the same daunting sensation. I really think I’m imagining things, but I refuse to be a prisoner of my home. Driving away, I check my rear view mirror again. Nothing.

  On the way to JT’s house, I try to think about what I’m going to say. I pull into the driveway and stare towards the house. I should leave. What could I possibly do or say to her to make anything better? Maybe I should have called first. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll leave and come back another day when I’ve arranged something. Putting the car in reverse, I glance up to see Mrs. Higgins standing in the doorway. I throw my head against the headrest, realizing it’s too late to back out now. We stare at each other through the windshield. She finally breaks the moment with a gentle smile, and I turn off the car, open the door, and step out. I walk towards the front porch and sto
p at the bottom step to look up at her.

  Placing my hands in my jacket pockets, I say, “I just got out of class. I hope it’s alright that I stop by?”

  Her smile widens. “I’ve been waiting every day for you.”

  She opens her arms, and I walk up the steps, directly into her embrace. With her arm around me, she pulls me inside the house. My heart crumbles as the loss of JT feels as fresh as it did that night. I’m not sure which of us is shaking more, but our tears mingle as they fall freely to the ground.

  “Shhh...,” she whispers to me as she pushes the hair away from my face. She places her hands on my cheeks. “Look at me, Jay.” My tear-stained face stares into her matching one. “I’ve heard from Cal what happened. I know that JT chose to get into that truck and that you begged him not to leave. I’ve heard from others that you were going to let the past go; that you had chosen to do so and live the future with my baby. Jay, JT loved you so much. Even if you had not been together, he would have done the same thing when he found out. I think about him being at home, and there is no way I could have stopped him. Would you blame me had our roles been reversed?”

  “Mrs. Higgins, of course not, but I should have stayed away or told the truth from the beginning. Something…anything had to be better than what played out.”

  “We can place blame everywhere, but the truth, Jay, is that JT was going to have you one way or another. He told me during the summer that he was going to do whatever it took to get you back. No one could dissuade him. The love that boy had for you. God, I used to think that the worse thing was going to be him coming through the front door and telling me you’re pregnant. Now, I would pray for that.” She looks at me hopeful, and I shake my head. She lets go and steps back. “Can I offer you something to drink?”

  “No, thank you. My mother told me you wished to visit, and I’m sorry it took so long, but I needed time. I needed to figure out me. I will miss JT for eternity, but I have to move on with my life. I tried to be with him...,” I say as my voice breaks.

  “Jay, I’m so thankful that you were unsuccessful. I would have never wished for that. That’s not being together.” She wrings her hands. “That would have been a waste of a beautiful young heart. Time will hopefully heal all of our wounds, but the main reason I wanted to talk to you is to tell you this: JT would want you to live, happily and joyfully. Your happiness meant more to him than his own. So young lady, you will do that. For him. Let your heart continue to love. Life is too short, as you already know.”

  I look into her eyes, wanting to believe every word she speaks. “I’m trying. Trying to move on. Trying to live. I’ll keep trying for the rest of my life.”

  She nods her head and begins to speak when the front door flies open.

  “What is she doing here?”

  Kip, JT’s older brother, comes charging in. He’s lost so much weight, and his dark hair stands on end. His clothes look slept in, and his eyes are red-rimmed.

  “Get the fuck out of my house. Haven’t you done enough?!” he yells.

  “Kip, calm down. I asked her over to talk.”

  “Talk, Mom? There is nothing to talk about. She is the only reason JT is dead right now. THE ONLY REASON! Why can’t you fucking see that?” Turning towards me, he continues, “I hate you, you bitch. He loved you, and see what happened?! I even begged you to leave him alone. BEGGED YOU!” he screams in my face.

  Tears run down his face as he moves closer. He pushes me backwards as a tortured look of angst fills his eyes. “I hope you fucking die for what you have done to my family. I’ll see that you rot in Hell for it.”

  “I’m so sorry, Kip.” My body shakes with fear.

  Grabbing his arm and pulling him away from me, Mrs. Higgins says to him, “Stop that now, Kip.”

  Finally, I snap out of the nightmare I’m living and run out the door.

  “Jay, wait!” Mrs. Higgins yells.

  Not listening, I run to my car. I can’t stay here another minute. The anguish on Kip’s face replays in my mind. That is what I dreaded seeing. I know someone’s loss is because of me. It’s hard to see the road through the tears that cloud my eyes. Rubbing them with the back of my hand, I try to clear my vision. I can’t stand the pain anymore, and I just want to forget it all, at least for a little while.

  Grabbing my phone, I call Rhye, but after a couple of rings it goes to voice mail. Throwing my phone into the passenger seat, I hit my palm against the steering wheel. Taking deep breaths, I try to calm myself when my phone rings. Picking it up, I see Rhye calling me back.

  “Hey, where are you at?” I ask.

  “School, last period. Why?”

  How could I forget about school? Just another remembrance of how much my life has been altered. Forever changed. “Nothing, Never mind.”

  “Jay, what is it? Talk to me.”

  “I was just wanting to hang out...,” I start to say when he interrupts me.

  “I’m outta here. Meet me at Chris’s in a half-hour.”

  The line goes silent as he hangs up.

  Turning the car around, I drive to Chris’s apartment across town. Chris is one of Rhye’s best friends and band mate. I met Chris when I was a high school freshman and he was a junior. I’m pretty sure he quit school at some point. Spotting a convenience store, I pull in and park. Digging through my wallet, I search for my fake I.D. It’s the first time I’ve needed it since, well, since before. Pulling out all my credit cards and my real I.D., I realize it’s missing. Damn. My parents must have found it and confiscated it.

  Throwing the car in reverse, I back out and head to Chris’s apartment knowing he’ll have something to drink. Pulling into the parking lot, I’m about fifteen minutes early. As I wait on Rhye, my phone rings. It’s my mother. I’m sure Mrs. Higgins called her, but I don’t want to talk. I decide to send her a text message instead.

  Me – I’m fine, just need some time.

  Mom – Where are you at? Do you want me to come get you?

  Me – Mom, chill!!! I’m good, not alone. Call later.

  Mom – CALL ME NOW!!!

  Me – Call later, love you.

  With that, I toss my phone back into the passenger seat and get out of the car. I take off my jacket and throw it over my phone. I don’t want it to smell like Chris’s apartment when I leave. Locking the doors, I tug my black long-sleeve t-shirt down over the waist of my jeans. I walk up the stairs and knock on the door. Chris answers, looking like a new-age Jesus with his long locks of hair and ratty bathrobe. I’m pretty sure if you look up “stoner” in the dictionary, Chris’s picture would be right under the definition.

  “Hey girl. Rhye called and said he’s on his way. C’mon in. Mi casa es su casa.”

  He doesn’t leave much room to squeeze by, and I’m pretty sure it’s on purpose. Once I get through, the smell of marijuana almost knocks me back. Taking a deep breath, I turn around.

  “So glad you didn’t kill yourself.”

  “Thanks, Chris,” I reply with a smile. I’m not sure how to respond to that.

  “Want a beer?”

  I nod, and he turns to head into the kitchen. Making myself at home, I sit down on the couch. His apartment is known as party central, and usually, you can find someone hanging out. I’m surprised to actually be the only one here. He walks back and hands me a bottle of beer. Twisting the cap off, I gulp down the first bitter swallow.

  “So when you died what did you see?”

  Choking on the light ale, I clear my throat and say, “Excuse me?”

  “You know, did you see Heaven or Hell? Ooh...did you see, like, dead people?”

  His face lights up like a child telling Santa what he wants for Christmas.

  “I heard you were, like, dead for thirty minutes before they brought you back.” Nodding his head up and down, he continues, “I bet you saw a lot of crazy shit.”

  “Actually, I don’t remember seeing anything because I’m pretty sure I never died.”

  “They probably di
dn’t tell you. My friend’s, cousin’s boyfriend has a sister that is an E.M.T., and she was at your house that night, and that’s what she told him. You should be hypnotized or some shit like that so you can get those memories back.”

  His stupidity knows no bounds. You can’t argue with that type of logic. I’ve been around enough “burners” to know it’s a losing battle. There is only one logical thing to do. Agree with them.

  “You’re so right, Chris. I’ll check into it.” He continues to nod his head at me, grinning like an idiot. Taking another drink of beer, I perk up when I hear the front door open. Rhye walks in, looking sexier than I remember. His black and yellow-streaked hair hangs over to one side as his dark-brown eyes exude happiness when they see me. His black t-shirt has his band logo “The Mavs” across the front, and his blue jeans are well-worn and hanging low on his hips.

  I stand before he can reach me, and he lifts me up into a fierce hug. Rhye is not muscular like Kane; his body is lean, but there is hard muscle there. He smells of a dark rich cologne and cigarettes. Nothing has ever smelled better. Smiling, I can feel his nose and lips against my neck, and I bet he is sniffing me, as I am him.

  Slowly he leans back, looking into my eyes, “I’ve missed those sad grey eyes.”

  Looking back, I start to reply when I can’t help but notice that he does have a lower case “j” tattooed underneath the corner of his eye where most people would have a tear drop. Placing my finger against it, I shake my head. “I’ve missed you.”

  I’ve surprised him. Standing on the tip of my toes, I press my mouth against his cheek and then pull back. Turning to sit down, I’m yanked back against his chest with both of his hands gripping my hips.

  “Can you give us a minute, Chris?” he says over my head. Chris smiles at us as he walks into his bedroom and closes the door.

  My back tingles where it’s pressed up against him, and lust surges through my body. I don’t know if it’s because of him or because it’s been so long for me. No matter the reason, it’s not why I came here, and I refuse to ever use somebody like that again, including myself. I try to pull away, but he holds tight.