by Jordan Dane
That’s when I heard the bird again and felt a cold sweep off its wings. It happened so fast that I could’ve sworn I felt it. Its wings fluttered and swiped against me, stinging my cold skin. I ran and covered my head with my arms. When it cackled, the shrill sound magnified. I ran and didn’t look back.
Not until I got to Tanner’s.
I crawled up the tree outside his window in record time. With adrenaline pumping through me, my heart felt like it would explode. I tapped on his window so hard that I almost cracked it. Tanner sat at his computer and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He fumbled for his mouse and shut down his system. His move to hide what he was doing would later strike me as odd, but at that moment I felt so blasted scared that his bizarre reaction didn’t weird me out.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming. I thought you’d use the front door.” He rolled his wheelchair to the window and let me in. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself, I would’ve totally said something about the way he avoided looking at me. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
I locked the window behind me, something I usually didn’t do. I pressed my face to the glass, cupping my hands around my eyes to block out the light from Tanner’s room. When nothing moved in the dark, I finally felt safe enough with Tanner.
“I’m just being stupid,” I told him. “As usual.”
Tanner had “Not Meant To Be” by Theory of a Deadman playing loud. I loved the lyrics to that song. It was about a love like the one I felt for Nate. When I turned, I watched Tanner back up and make room for me in his bedroom. He couldn’t afford to be a slob like me and leave his clothes on the floor. He needed to roll and his wheels took up space. I could’ve told him about the damned bird, but when I saw his face, that didn’t seem important anymore.
He looked like I’d caught him doing something bad.
“What were you doin’ online?”
Tanner always clocked time on his computer. He had mad skills, way better than I did. Guess when a guy had trouble getting around in the physical world, a virtual one was the great equalizer. Online he could be anyone he wanted to be. In his posts, he could say anything he wanted to about himself. I know. I’d read his stuff. I sometimes got the feeling that his online life had more importance than the one he really lived.
“Nothing. Just the usual stuff.”
Tanner slouched into his wheelchair and didn’t look up. He acted strange, even for Tanner.
“What’s wrong?”
“I said, nothing. Give it a rest, Chandler.” He snapped back, something he usually didn’t do, either.
“Is that your new radio?” I pointed to the only thing in the room that looked like a damned radio. Like, duh.
“Yeah. I need to find out what frequency those guys will be using, but once I get that, we should hear what’s going on.”
Now I clammed up. If Dad got his way, I wouldn’t be listening to Tanner’s radio and hearing Nate on Denali. I’d miss out on the biggest adventure Nate Holden would have in his lifetime, all because Dad didn’t trust me to stay home by myself.
“What’s the matter with you? I thought that’s what you wanted. It’s all you’ve talked about,” Tanner said as he crossed his arms and stared at his computer, working his jaw like it hurt. He grew tense about something and I couldn’t let it go.
“Dad and I had an argument. He’s picked this weekend to do a little father-daughter bonding. He wants me to go with him to our cabin. Why do I have to go? I mean, why can’t I just stay home?”
“Seriously, would you leave you at home?”
I ignored him.
“I just don’t see the point anymore. You’d think we could skip it this year. I mean, he didn’t even consider my feelings at all.”
“But isn’t this the trip that he makes about your mom? What’s wrong with that?”
Tanner was my best friend, but I’d never told him much about the day my mom died. Telling him everything would make it too real, would make me more of a freak. I didn’t want anyone to know, especially not the only real friend I had.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re supposed to be my wingman and have my back,” I said, using “wingman” the way Tanner and his military dad did. “Why are you on his side?”
“I’m not on anyone’s side but yours.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” When the silence between us built to a combustible stage, I saw that Tanner wouldn’t give in, so I did. “What’s wrong? You look like your dog died. Pretty serious, considering you don’t even have one.”
It took him a while to answer. He stared at the floor and didn’t move. When he finally did speak, he shocked the hell out of me.
“Maybe you should go with your dad. It might not be a bad idea to get out of town now.”
“What? That’s crazy talk, Tanner. You sound like you’re channeling your mom. What gives?”
I wanted to yell at him—at anybody—but when I saw his face, I couldn’t do it. I knelt by his chair and looked at him, saying, “Talk to me. Please.” He didn’t say anything for a long time, but after he took a deep breath, he rolled his wheelchair back to his computer and finally told me what bothered him.
“There’s something you should see. You’re not gonna like it, but don’t kill the messenger.”
Minutes later
“Abbey, don’t go,” Tanner called to me as I crawled through his bedroom window, not looking back. “Talk to me. Please!”
I don’t even remember the trip back to my house. I ran until my legs and chest burned. My tears made the whole thing a blur. By the time I got home, I knew my face and eyes would be red, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t get those images on Tanner’s computer out of my head. A part of me wished he’d never shown me, but a bigger part was glad he did. It would have been worse if I didn’t know and had to face everyone at school, like a dumb ass.
This time, I burst through the front door of my house and headed straight for my room. I peeled off my coat and boots and dropped them on the floor as I ran through the hall and up the stairs.
“Honey? Are you all right?” My dad called after me. I really didn’t want to see him, but I had to. I stopped and waited for him to find me in the hallway. I kept my back to him so he wouldn’t see me crying.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I cleared my throat and wiped tears off my face with the back of my hand. “I wanted to ask you, Daddy. Is it okay if we leave tomorrow…I mean, instead of waiting until Saturday?”
“But you have school tomorrow.”
“I’ve already cleaned out my locker,” I lied. “My stuff is in my room. Nothing is going on tomorrow anyway. You think we can get an early start?”
“Why the change of heart?”
I stood halfway up the stairs. When my dad came closer, I only glanced over my shoulder and forced a quick smile.
“I thought about what you said and I want to go. You were right. I really love the cabin.”
“Yeah, I think we can make that happen,” he said. “That’s…great.”
Whatever, Dad. I knew what he wanted me to say and I said it, but that was the extent of my groveling. I bounded up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. I had my own computer in my room. Once I got there, I shut the door and locked it. With shaking fingers, I booted my PC and grabbed my mouse to locate the same page Tanner had showed me. The closer I got to seeing it again, the more I felt sick.
With the number of hits the FarkYourself website got, I had no doubt that everyone at school would eventually see the photos of me or hear about them. Rumors would spread like wildfire. Someone had posted photos of me at the top of the thread. Anyone online with the ability and the right graphics software could use those photos to create any foul thing they wanted.
What made things worse, most of the jerks cut out my real body and replaced it with a gross fat one. Is that how I looked? They pasted my head onto anything obscene. The worst one had me doing sex stuff, things I’d never even seen before. Once my dad found out, I didn’t know what he’d do. He didn’t know much about computers. Would he believe anything I told him or would he think I had a bad rep at school? I wanted to believe he’d be on my side and protect me, but just knowing he’d see these pictures mortified me. How could I look him in the eye?
I was sick, just sick. And Tanner’s words repeated over and over in my head. “All of these people are anonymous and the site protects them. They can do anything they want and we won’t be able to take it down.”
My real name had been posted, too. That was even worse than looking at those photos with Tanner in the room. I could tell he’d been embarrassed, too. I mean, sure, we joked about sex and stuff, but Tanner never made me feel weird about it and neither of us had ever crossed the line into gross—at least, for us. He’d never ever made me feel fat, either. Now after we’d both seen those awful pictures, I wasn’t sure we’d ever see each other the same way again.
How could I face him? Face anyone?
“Even after you’re older and are looking for a job, your future employer could find these.” Tanner’s words stayed with me and I remember his eyes filled with tears. I’d never seen him cry before.
We won’t be able to take it down.
I’m totally screwed.
His words stuck and I suddenly knew what he meant. He was talking about both of us. Tanner had been “farked” on the site, too. I scrolled through the threads until I found what he’d been talking about. I’d been so wrapped up in me that I never asked what he meant.
“Oh. My. God.” I gasped, covering my mouth with my hand. This time I had tears for Tanner.
On the thread they had on him, it started with an accusation and images that I knew in my gut weren’t true. Tanner wasn’t gay, but the photos were shocking. There were shower scenes in a gym and fake photos of him with other boys, each one more humiliating than the last.
“Oh, Tanner. I’m so sorry.” There was nothing wrong with being gay—except if you weren’t—and kids made fun of it like being gay was sick and perverted.
Whoever posted these doctored photos had hurt both of us, but Tanner didn’t deserve the abuse. He’d done nothing wrong, except that hanging with me had made him fair game. These jerks had found a new way to hurt me through Tanner.
I shut down the page and cleared my search records, doing anything to destroy the evidence and remove it from my house, but I knew that wouldn’t matter. Purging my system of what I’d seen didn’t mean I could get it out of my head. I turned off my computer, not even waiting for my system to shut down. I hit the light switch and crawled into bed, covering my head with blankets until I only saw darkness. Yet no matter what I did, the images were still with me.
I wanted to puke. I wanted to scream. I definitely cried.
Some anonymous coward started it. It had to be someone from school. The photos they’d taken were from today, at the cafeteria. On some of the images, I recognized the clothes I had on and still had on—wrinkles and all. I didn’t have the energy to change into my pajamas. I curled into a ball and gripped the blankets around me, sobbing into my pillow.
Tanner was right. I had to get out of town. I wasn’t strong like him. Leaving would give me time to think. I didn’t know if skulking away would be better than facing it head-on, like Tanner had chosen to do, but delaying the inevitable was something a coward did—a coward like me.
I don’t know when I actually fell asleep, but I must have. I remembered tossing and turning and looking at the clock on my nightstand every hour. Only this time, when I opened my eyes, the clock read 2:35 in the morning. I’d slept for three hours straight, but that wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t want to be awake. Waking up meant I had to remember what happened and relive it. Being awake meant I still had to deal with what I’d do next, but a steady scratching at my window made me pull back the covers.
The full moon shined through the glass, nearly filling my entire window. With a tree limb eclipsing it, the moonlight cast an eerie shadow across my wall. The dark shape looked like a finger stretching into my bedroom.
“Damn it,” I whispered.
I forgot to close my drapes. When I got out of bed, I saw I still had my clothes on, another bad reminder of what had happened. I stripped out of my jeans and peeled off my shirt, getting down to my undies and T-shirt before I headed for the window.
But a loud crash made me scream.
“Oh, shit!”
Something black hit my window and almost cracked the glass. I jumped back and hid in the dark. From the corner of my eye, I peeked over. When I saw movement, I pressed against the wall, too scared to move. An inky black shadow magnified across the wall of my room—the flapping wings of a bird.
I gasped and slid down, hiding in the corner. I don’t know how long I stayed there. I lost track of time, but when it looked like the bird had flown away, I stood on shaky legs and crept toward the window. I shut the drapes real fast, but not before I took another peek. With trembling fingers, I reached for the curtains with the thud of my heart pulsing in my ears.
Dead bodies were in my basement, not exactly a comfort. Even though my dad slept in his bedroom down the hall, I had never felt so alone. I pulled back the curtain—barely enough to look out—and I nearly lost it.
“Oh, my God.”
Below my bedroom window, a tree moved in the night breeze. At least, that’s what I thought. It wasn’t until I looked closer that I saw them. The tree was filled with ravens and crows. From here, it looked like hundreds of them. When their iridescent black wings flapped, they caught the moonlight in their feathers and it made the whole tree look as if it would lift from the ground and drift into the night sky. The birds had gathered for a purpose that I didn’t understand, but for some strange reason, I knew one thing.
They had come because of me.
Chapter 2
Next morning—too damn early
That thing with the birds last night left me spooked. I still heard them. Saw them. Their wings reflected the moonlight, shimmers of mesmerizing blue and purple that stayed with me in my restless, half-awake sleep. The rustling of their wings echoed in my ears, as if I’d perched on the branches with them.
Hiding under my blankets in the dark, I listened for them outside my window all night. Every creak in the house, every tree branch that moved in the wind and scratched at my window made my stomach lurch. I wanted to hear those devil birds fly away in one big rush, but that never happened. At some point, I must have closed my eyes and fallen asleep. I remember seeing the red digital numbers on my clock switch from 2:37 to 5:35 a.m. when my dad knocked on my door. By the time he woke me, I needed the distraction of our road trip to the cabin.
When I rushed to the window to see if the birds were still there, the tree was empty. That made me feel like I’d imagined the whole thing, but not everything had returned to normal. After yesterday, I felt different. Don’t ask me how. I just knew.
While I got dressed, every noise made me jump, even if I was the one who’d made it. Packing, I racked twice the steps between my closet and chest of drawers. I was forgetting everything. I even forgot how much I hated getting up before the sun beat me to it. My dad thought he missed something if he didn’t get up early.
Yeah, right. Thank God I never inherited that gene.
As disturbing as it had been to stay up most of the night, because of the birds that gathered outside my window, I had more on my mind today. After I splashed water on my face, I reached for my cell and took it off the charger.
I wanted to text Tanner to tell him how sorry I was for not being a better f
riend after what we’d both seen online, but I stopped mid-thumb stroke. What kind of friend said something like that in a text message? I’d already been a real jerk for leaving town. Texting him would be a new low, even for me. I didn’t use my phone much for actual talking, but I would’ve totally done it if I could be sure Tanner’s dad and mom wouldn’t hear his phone ring so early in the morning. Tanner would hate that.
“Shit.” I tossed my cell onto my bed and raked a hand through my hair before I got back to work.
Rolling my clothes, I stuffed them into a knapsack and pretended Tanner sat with me, except for when I packed my underwear. I tried talking to him, but everything I said to fake Tanner sounded lame. Between the creepy birds stalking me and the anonymous online jerks who had posted porn on the internet about me and Tanner, I couldn’t deal with any of it. It was too early and I was fried.
But as usual, I delayed the inevitable. Once we made it to the cabin, my cell phone would be hit or miss. In the mountains near Healy, the bars were virtually nonexistent. If I wanted to talk to Tanner before he left for the last day of school, I had to call him before we turned off the highway. I had a strong feeling that I wouldn’t know any more about what to say to him than I did right now.
My life was a major suckfest, for real.
When I got downstairs with my junk, Dad loaded the car. I wasn’t in the mood for talking. Maybe the birds were meant to tell me something, like I wasn’t a good person and deserved the abuse. I felt responsible for what would happen to Tanner today, because I wouldn’t be there. And for what embarrassment I’d cause my dad, after he got back to town and heard about those nasty shots online of his only daughter, I felt sick. All of it came rushing at me before the sun came up and I couldn’t deal.