by P. Jameson
Seleka tried to eat, but the more she attempted to ignore the questions burning in her throat, the more they seemed to rise. As if they refused to be denied air-time.
“What else can you cook?” she asked, trying to stifle the rest of her curiosity with something mundane.
“Lots of things. Got pretty good at it when I moved up here. No take-out. Can’t order in. It was either learn to cook or exist on cereal and Little Debbies.”
“Little Debbies are delicious.”
His scarred eyebrow lifted. “Which do you like?”
“Nutty Bars are the best. Oatmeal Cream Pies come in second.”
“Got both in the freezer. I’ll pull them out for you.”
“Okay.” How could her heart be pounding at such a tiny gesture? “Thanks.”
He scowled. “Don’t mention it.”
Okay.
Awkward silence fell between them once again, and she struggled with something to break it.
“I’m glad you learned to cook,” she muttered, coming up with nothing better.
“Yeah, me too, I guess.” He didn’t sound glad about anything. Didn’t seem like the man she’d been with on the trail today. Had she imagined it all? Could she have been hallucinating his response to her?
No. He said she was beautiful. Those were his words, and she wouldn’t let doubt take them away. They were too precious. Even if she ended up leaving like she’d planned, she would hold them in her heart forever.
“You must eat, mate,” he growled low, furiously shoving the spoon in his mouth as if that would get her going.
“Yes, sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” His fist came down on the table in frustration, but then he softened his voice. “Just… eat.”
She finished her stew quietly, and when she was done, she took her bowl to the sink to wash. Whatever bit of chill the trip down the mountain had brought him, was long gone. They were back to tense and terse. And honestly, she didn’t know how to take it.
Raden came up beside her, running his bowl under the water. “Cooking’s not the only thing I learned how to do. I can wash dishes too,” he said, easily. As if he didn’t just command her to finish supper. “You don’t need to do these.”
She shrugged. “You cooked. Makes sense for me to clean up.”
“That’s a good system, I suppose.” He reached for the bowl she’d washed, pulling it from her hand to rinse it while she soaped up the next dish.
“Me and my siblings used to take turns. The rule was, Mama cooked, so we were responsible for the cleaning. One of us would do the dishes, the others would sweep and clean the table. Avan always tried to get away with just taking out the trash.” She laughed at the memory. “But Mama caught on, and made her do the dishes for a week.”
Seleka looked over to find Raden staring at her. “You and your sister were close.”
“Always. I looked up to her because she was never afraid of anything. She said whatever was on her mind. Stood up for herself. She was always so… strong. I wanted to be like her.”
“You’re better than her. Loyal, where she’s not.”
Seleka frowned. “No, Avan is honorable—”
“She turned her back on you. That’s not honorable.”
Oh. She’d almost forgotten her excuse for being here. And when she came up with it, she didn’t consider how it would make Avan look.
“It’s not her fault,” Seleka said quietly. “I needed to go. Much of the damage done to the pack in the past has healed, but the side-eye given to unsuccessful matings is still very much an open festering wound.”
Raden grunted. “Your sister thought she could change all that.”
Seleka passed him another soapy dish. “I still believe she can. But it will be a slow process for sure. Nothing that major comes easily.”
They finished washing up in silence, and Seleka tidied up the counters while Raden dug around in the freezer for the Little Debbie stash.
“Dessert?” he asked, offering her a Nutty Bar.
“It’s frozen.”
“They’re best that way.”
Hm. She’d never tried a frozen Nutty Bar.
Pulling the snack from his hand, she peeled the wrapper down and took a bite, her eyes going wide at the different texture. “Mmm. You’re right,” she said around the morsel as she found Raden’s eyes. He stared at her, his guard temporarily lowered for a brief moment. He stared like she was a piece of art he was studying or an animal he watched, waiting to see what they’d do. Then he blinked and the moment was gone.
He turned and headed for the front door without another word.
“Wait,” she called. “Where are you going?”
He glanced back at her before answering. “Outside.”
She grinned. “I know that. But what are you going to do out there?”
The question seemed to stump him. “Uh… I like to watch the sun fall behind the mountain on clear nights.”
“You’re watching the sunset? Is that what you usually do in the evenings?”
He nodded. “When I’m not drinking.”
“Oh. Well…” He reached for the door again. Ask him. Just ask him. “Can I come?” she blurted.
Raden froze. “It’s something I do by myself.”
Oh. Okay. But… “You don’t have to do it by yourself anymore.”
Seconds ticked by as he considered her. She held her breath, waiting for his answer. Finally, he muttered, “Bring a blanket. It will get cold,” and pushed through the door onto the porch, leaving her to celebrate this tiny victory on her own.
A grin spread her cheeks as she ran to the couch to grab the flannel throw that was draped across the back. She was going to watch the sunset with her mate. What a romantic notion. Excitement bubbled in her chest and she tried to contain it. This didn’t mean anything. It truly didn’t. But at least he didn’t tell her no.
It was enough to make her feel brave. Bold even, like her sister.
She could do this. Her mate was just a harder shell to crack, but she could reach him. Of course she could. It was her destiny. She just needed to get to know him. Learn what he liked. What he expected from her. How to make him happy.
Easier said than done.
He’d called her beautiful. Surely, he felt more for her than he let on. If she could just show him that they didn’t need to worry about the past anymore. They could make a new future together. One that was bright and beautiful and free of pack influence…
She knew Raden had good in him. So much of it that he’d let her sister live to save his mate from heartache. She just had to prove to him that she was worth it.
No, her wolf argued. He should already know your worth. You have nothing to prove.
But Seleka ignored the animal. She wasn’t afraid of hard work. And she wasn’t letting anything ruin this sunset with Raden.
Chapter Eleven
“We should talk about the future,” Raden heard himself say after Seleka joined him on the porch. There was only one place to sit. An oversized wicker rocking chair that was meant to seat two people… but not if one was the size of a Mack truck. Before, it had been adequate. Now, he realized how close the two of them would have to sit.
She looked worriedly at the small space beside him and then at the only other option. The porch steps. With a sigh, she turned for the steps.
What the hell? Did she think he was letting his mate sit on the ground?
“You can have the chair if you don’t want to share it.” The irritation was evident in his voice and she stopped mid-step. “I only have one. So we either share it or it’s yours.”
“There’s not much room.”
“We’ll have to get close.” Her gaze fluttered away, like the idea embarrassed her. He loved that about her. That the smallest hint of physical contact made her blush. “Might as well get used to each other.”
Carefully, she sat beside him, the wicker crackling as she adjusted the blanket delicately over her legs. Her small b
ody was forced against his massive one by the rocker arm and he didn’t hate a second of it. She fit against him nicely. As if she was meant to be there. As if he had a Seleka shaped hole at his hip that only she could fill.
Visions of her naked body against the backdrop of the wooded mountains nailed him behind the eyes. He couldn’t unsee the perfection he’d seen in the woods. Couldn’t unthink about it now that it was in his mind. And he sure as hell couldn’t make his heart unwant her.
“Okay, I’m ready,” she said, pulling him from his thoughts.
“Ready for what?”
“You said we should talk about the future. I’m ready. What things should we talk about?”
He eyed her. She seemed almost excited about the impending conversation.
“There’s a lot to work out if you’re going to stay here,” he began, his gaze lingering on her eyes. They were pretty with the hints of the declining sun glinting through the blue. “Like where to sleep, for one. The couch isn’t as comfortable as I remembered from the times I’ve passed out there.”
She nodded. “Alcohol probably covers a multitude of sofa flaws.”
“Probably.”
She grew quiet, thinking. “I don’t mind sleeping there instead. You really should have your bed. I wasn’t comfortable anyway. Not without—” She slammed her mouth shut.
Raden scowled. “Without what?”
“Nothing.”
Whatever she needed, he would get. She only had to name it. “Tell me.”
She squirmed, and the pink color bloomed on her cheeks. “It’s nothing. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Bullshit. Finish what you were saying. The bed isn’t comfortable without what?”
“You,” she snapped out, and then pressed her lips together hard, as if they’d betrayed her.
Raden narrowed his eyes. “Me what?”
“You,” she said, exasperated. “That sentence was supposed to end with you.”
“The bed isn’t comfortable without me? That makes no…” Oh. Oh. “… sense.”
“I told you, you wouldn’t understand.” She looked away, staring at the lowering sun like it could save her from embarrassment. The knowledge that she’d expected him to share the bed with her left Raden floundering.
“We are intended mates, Seleka. It’s normal for us to be drawn to one another.”
She nodded, still focused on the sun. “I thought so. But now, I don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?”
She fingered the flannel blanket across her lap.
“I didn’t know it would be like this when we reunited. I thought we would… would… be together. I thought we would feel safe. I thought…”
Everything she said felt like it was only half of what she truly wanted to say. As if she’d hidden her desires for too long. She was prim and proper. An Ozarka female to the core. But what stuck out to him was… his mate didn’t feel safe.
The realization was a vicious punch to the gut. Make it better, his wolf demanded. And he agreed. Her feeling like this wasn’t okay no matter how frustrated her situation made him. Do something.
“Then we will be together,” he declared, practically coughing it past his locked-up chest. “From now on, female.”
Her eyes searched his face, confused. “You want to be mates.”
“Yes.” It seemed like an obvious answer. He’d never wanted anything more. In a perfect world, he would have more to offer her. A pack of his own. But this wasn’t about what he wanted. It was about what she needed. To feel safe.
“Y-you do?” Her voice was so careful. So full of doubt.
“You’re here. I’m here. Why shouldn’t we be… together?”
“But… you’ve been so…”
“The past has haunted me for a long time, woman. I never expected you to show up here. It will take time. Nothing major comes easily. Isn’t that what you said earlier?”
Her stare was skeptical. “But… are you sure?”
“Yes.” He meant it. Even if it didn’t feel right. Even if it tore him up that she’d ended up here, shackled to an unworthy male.
Seleka nodded, her expression still careful, tentative. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay. Then it’s settled. We’re… together.”
Together. He let the word sink in. The permanence of it struck him like a gavel. His mate wasn’t leaving. She was here and he’d just given her a greenlight. A commitment. He should be happy, but instead, he felt like a traitor.
What the hell was he doing? He wasn’t good for her. This wasn’t where they were supposed to be. Where she was supposed to be. Outcasted, holed up in a mountain cabin with a male of the lowest caliber.
How was he going to make this right?
“Should we hold hands?” she asked, her shy smile making him immediately hard. Mine. But if he touched her at all, he would want more. He’d want to take things too far. All the way. And neither of them were ready for that.
“I’m not the hand-holding type.” Frustration made his voice brusque, and her expression fell, replaced by new sadness that she tried to shake away.
“We held hands at the diner so I thought…” Her voice drifted off. “What type are you then?”
Raden opened his mouth to answer, but then closed it again. He used to be a ladies man, a romancer. He took pride in constructing the perfect date. He liked making females giddy, liked watching them swoon at his attention. Now, none of that mattered.
“I guess I don’t know.”
“You were very smooth when we first met,” Seleka said, her voice growing wispy. “I remember you picking a flower from in front of the school yard to give me that very first day.” He remembered that day too, when he came to Ozarka to challenge her sister. Had replayed it in his mind a million times. “You had this confident smirk that made my stomach grow knots in an instant. No one had ever looked at me like that.”
She found his eyes and he looked away. “I’m not that guy anymore.”
“I know,” she whispered. “And I’m not that girl anymore.”
It was true. She was different than he remembered her. The woman he’d scented as his mate in the Ozarka camp was fresh and full of hope. The woman beside him now was hurting and he couldn’t forget that it was because of him.
He let the silence fall between them as the sun inched closer to the horizon. But it didn’t last.
“Do you like to be kissed or do you like to do the kissing?”
Her surprising question brought his gaze back to her. “Um… what?”
“D-do you like a female to kiss you first,” she stuttered, “or is that off limits?”
He stared hard at her. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”
He was relieved when her attention shifted to the fading sky. But again, it didn’t last.
“I’ve never been kissed. Came close once,” she muttered, and he remembered when he’d almost kissed her just before he fought her sister. He hadn’t wanted to risk dying without tasting her lips first. But at the last second, he changed his mind and pulled back, not wanting to leave her with any regrets.
“What about um… well, do you like… uh…” Her cheeks flared red, drawing his curiosity. “Kissing down there?”
“What?” his voice snapped out, causing her to stiffen.
“I mean do you want to be kissed down there. Not do you want to do it to me,” she added quickly.
“Seleka,” he warned, his breath churning at the mere idea. Fuck. He squeezed his eyes closed to get the image of her on her knees before him out of his head.
And by the way she asked him, she must have been thinking about it too. His animal rumbled in his chest.
“I just have so many questions because I’m afraid if I don’t ask… I… I’m worried that I won’t know how to satisfy you. That I will be a disappointment. So… so that’s why I ask.” She looked away, frowning. “I won’t do it anymore if it bothers you. I can figure things out some other way. I’m good at learning,” she
said quietly, as if reminding herself of the fact.
“It’s fine,” he said gruffly. “You can ask me things.”
She met his gaze again, warily this time. “Do most women just know how to please a male? Maybe there’s something wrong with my instincts. But I promise I’ll work on them—”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Seleka.”
“Then why is this so difficult?” She let out a hard sigh, belaying her frustration, but said nothing else. She stared out into the meadow, watching the sun sink over the jagged mountain, and he watched her, his wolf growing more and more volatile as the minutes passed.
She must have noticed.
When the sun was just a glow behind the peak, she turned back to him, her expression so sad his stomach curled. “Everything I do seems to frustrate you. I want to stay here, with you, more than anything, but… if it will give you peace…” She blinked, unable to hold his gaze. “I will go.”
No, his wolf roared. Keep mate.
“Where would you go?” He wanted to know where she’d been heading this morning.
“Ah…” She blinked rapidly, as if she didn’t expect the question. “Well, I could venture out on my own for a while. I could, um… maybe go visit the pack down south. The Dirt Track Dogs. I’ve heard they’re less rigid about the rules and traditions. They might not look down on me for being un…” She swallowed hard. “…unwanted.”
Unwanted. Is that what she thought? That he didn’t want her.
Oh, he wanted her all right. He wanted to whisk her off her goddamn feet, carry her inside, and lay her out on his bed. Peel all her clothes off until there was nothing between them. And then he wanted to lick every inch of her skin, soak in her scent, get fucking lost in her. Mine. Spend the whole night fucking. Slow, then fast. Wring pleasure from her like a soaked sponge. Let her sleep for a couple hours while he watched and then do it all over again. After all that, he wanted to claim her with his mark so she could never leave him. Bind them together so tightly nothing could tear them apart.
Not his disgrace. Not her family. Not his pride. Not her innocence.
“Hold my hand,” he blurted.
“What?”
“Hold my hand.”
“But you said—”