“I know that somewhere deep down inside, you’re still that twelve-year-old girl, waiting for your dad to come back. And until he does, your walls will remain intact.” My heart shattered. “I know you, Hartley. And you know me. That’s what love is.”
He did know me, because he left the room to let Bilbo out, giving me the space I needed to get my shit back together. I was at a loss for words. And slightly terrified.
It took me a minute to put myself back together, but when I did, I sat straight and brushed it off. “Fine. You win. You know me,” I said as he handed me a plate.
He picked up his sandwich. “I didn’t mean it to come off as trying to win. I just wanted you to know I know you. That’s all.”
I groaned and took a bite.
THAT NIGHT, I REACHED FOR his arm in the dark. I did when I couldn’t sleep. Pulling it close, I rested it against my neck. He didn’t wake. He could sleep through an apocalypse. His skin was warm, the weight a comfort. I started to think about our fight and how much I’d unknowingly let Hudson in. I’d never stayed long enough to give a man a chance, but he was different. He actually cared.
And then my thoughts shifted to the email I was waiting on from James. Any day, I’d be given the green light. I’d be packing my bags and loading my bus, heading into a new adventure.
A sort of shadow spread over my mood like a cold, wet blanket.
This was never supposed to be permanent. You know that, I told myself.
I heard my mother’s voice in the back of my head. “They will only break you.”
She was right. Maybe not now, but eventually. He’d see the uglier parts of me, and he’d regret letting me in. I’d blame him for putting my dreams aside. We’d begin arguing more until one of us said something we couldn’t take back. Love could never be a permanent thing… not with wounds as deep as ours. They were always there, in the background, like vipers waiting to strike down a happy moment and fill it with a killing toxin.
His arm grew heavy against my neck, his skin hot like a furnace. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the artery beneath my skin begging for a breath. I pushed his arm away. I craved closeness, only to feel claustrophobic by it.
Why was I like this?
FEBRUARY 19, 2016
THE PAST
I WOKE TO A HARD thumping sound against my wall. My eyes were heavy with sleep as I sat up in my bed, trying to rub the confusion away. It was late, and I’d fallen asleep with a book across my chest.
“Stop throwing shit at me,” I heard my father yell from somewhere near the door. The anger in his voice felt like cold water being dumped on me.
Not again, I thought as I closed my book and set it on the nightstand.
“You can’t just leave us, George,” Mom yelled back, followed by another thumping sound against the wall. Mom always threw things when they argued. I’d find a shoe here or a book there the next morning, and quietly put them back before they’d wake.
“I’ve had enough of this shit,” Dad said. I heard his heavy footsteps carrying him down the stairs, followed by Mom’s chasing after him.
“Run. Run back to your whore,” Mom yelled, her voice littered with tears.
This was third time this week they fought like this. I wasn’t scared of it. It was a regular occurrence growing up, but this time felt different. They sounded different.
“Please,” I heard Mom beg from downstairs. “Don’t go.”
I got up and tiptoed to my door, cracking it open. Dad was standing with his hand on the doorknob of the front door, looking straight ahead as Mom held onto his arm, weeping.
“It’s been over, and you know it.” His voice was even and unfeeling.
“And what about Hartley? How am I supposed to explain to her that her father is moving away to be with another woman? She doesn’t deserve this.”
Moving away?
His jaw flexed. “I can’t live my life being unhappy. I’ve tried. I have to take this chance. One day, she’ll understand that.”
I didn’t understand what he was saying. I didn’t want to. My heart was thundering in my ears. I had this terrible feeling that something really bad was happening. I never said anything when they fought. I’d just cover my ears with a pillow and try to go back to sleep before school.
But this time…
Mom yanked her hand away. Took a step back so she was out of his way. “The only thing she’ll understand is that her father was a coward and put his own happiness before hers.”
Dad opened the door. “If that’s what you choose to tell her, so be it.”
“Daddy,” I said as I ran to the edge of the stairs. “Please don’t leave me.”
He paused, keeping his back to me. “Everyone leaves everyone at some point.”
And then he was gone.
“DAYS LIKE THESE ARE WHY I love living in Florida,” Hudson said as he applied another layer of sunscreen to my back.
The waves were lapping against the shore in a lazy cadence I could fall asleep to. The sun hid behind big, puffy clouds. It was a perfect day. A leisure day.
He laid next to me on the sheet, propped up on his elbows. A young girl, no older than eight, ran back and forth, screaming with laughter as her dad chased her. He then lifted her up, spinning her in circles.
“I want a family one day. A big one, with at least five kids.”
I laughed. “Good luck with that.”
“You don’t want kids?” he asked, used to how I brushed talk of the future off.
“No. I never saw myself as a mother. You should have seen me in health class. When we had to bring the robot baby home… the one that cries every two seconds… I ended up failing, having to take it back in and get the teacher to reset it because I had somehow killed it.”
He chuckled. “I think you’d make a great mom. You’re just jaded, is all.”
I rolled my eyes even though my heart filled with butterflies at the thought. I was serious when I said I never wanted kids… but having Hudson’s kids? Gazing into his eyes as I handed him the child we shared… maybe it was something I could want.
My phone buzzed beside me, pulling me from the daydream. I reached into my bag, and then pulled it out. It was the email I’d been expecting from James.
I sat up.
Three days. He wanted me to head West in three days.
“What is it?” Hudson asked, sitting up with me.
I shoved my phone back in my bag. “Nothing.”
He turned to face me more. “Don’t say nothing. I see it on your face. Something’s up.”
Where did the breeze go? I chewed on the inside of my cheek as heat seared behind my eyes. I felt like I was melting beneath the sun. It was pressing down on me, shrinking me before him.
“What is it, Hartley? You know you can talk to me. I know you’ve been acting differently lately. Is it something I—”
“I have to leave on Monday,” I blurted out.
He flinched back. “Leave?”
“I’m driving to Oregon to start a new project with that company I submitted to. They want me to be the lead editor.”
Light filled his eyes as he scooped my hands up in his. “That’s amazing news, Hartley. You worked so hard. How long is the project?”
This was the hard part.
“Projects,” I said, eying his hands. “They want to hire me full time, which means I need to relocate to wherever they are. Filming the first project will be around three months, but editing sometimes takes longer. It depends.”
His eyes got big. He swallowed, and then blinked. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“But it isn’t forever, though,” he said, trying to find the good in it.
“I signed a contract with them, Hudson. I’ll have to move to California where they’re based out of.”
He jerked back like I’d slapped him. “How long?”
“I don’t know. It depends on how quickly we move between—”
“No,” he cut me off, his tone dropping
a few octaves. “I mean, how long have you known?”
I swallowed. “A week.”
He nodded, his lips pulling taut. “So that’s why you’ve been so distant and weird lately. I knew something was up. I thought it was because I told you how I felt about you, but here it was because you’ve been keeping a secret from me the whole time.”
“I wasn’t keeping a secr—”
“When were you going to tell me?”
I could cut myself on the sharp-edged anger in his eyes.
Every muscle in my body tensed, nose flaring. “I’m telling you now, aren’t I?”
He shook his head and stood, putting the empty cans back into the cooler. “So your honesty policy—it was bullshit, wasn’t it?”
I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. “I’ve never lied to you. You knew this day was coming. I have to work. It’s my livelihood.”
He spun, standing over me, his looming figure shielding the sun from my eyes. “I get it, Hartley, but why take a job hundreds of miles away when what we have is the most real thing either of us has ever felt?” He jammed his hands inside his hair, pulling taut. “Maybe I got it wrong. I thought you felt it, too. I thought if I could…”
He shook his head and turned away from me, staring out at the ocean.
“I told you… this is a dream company to work for.” I felt like the world was shattering around me. “This isn’t about us. What I feel for you is real, but my job has to come first. I have to—”
“Run. You have to run, Hartley. This is too real for you, and you don’t want to admit it. You don’t want to face that maybe you’re the cat licking those wounds until they burst open.”
I felt like I’d been slapped.
I grabbed my bag and put it around my arm, pulling the strap over my chest as I tried my hardest to mentally shut down the emotions welling up, threatening to spill over. “I’m not running, Hudson,” I said evenly, calmly. “You told me you couldn’t leave. I told you I couldn’t stay. We agreed, remember? It was always going to be temporary.”
So then why did I feel so hurt by his words?
He sat down. Kept his gaze on the ocean.
“Temporary,” he repeated, blinking, shaking his head. His shoulders straightened out. It was like a whole new Hudson was invading him, the doors closed in his eyes. “You’re right. It was temporary. You should go. This is your dream.” He looked at me. The finality in his tone was deafening. “I’ll drive you home. Help you pack. No conditions, right?”
I didn’t expect the punch-to-the-gut feeling, but when I realized he wasn’t going to put up a fight, that was exactly what happened. I thought I had myself in check, but in that moment, I wanted him to yell at me. Fight for me. To do anything other than plan to get rid of me.
They will only break you.
I realized my mom was wrong.
Hudson didn’t break me.
I broke me.
I STAYED ON THE OTHER side of the house until it was time for me to go. Hudson was out back, shin deep in the lake as rain pelted down on us. Bilbo was at my feet, whimpering.
“I feel the same,” I said as I bent to pet him.
I headed down to the lake, soaked to the bone, feeling like I was drowning.
“I’m proud of you,” Hudson said. He always knew when I was close.
“Hudson, I—”
He turned. “I won’t make the same mistake I did with Silas. I love you, Hartley, and I’ll be here, waiting for when you realize you mean it, too.”
I couldn’t see him through the haze. Couldn’t speak past the remorse building a home in my throat. He turned, staring out into the vast, glittering horizon.
That last, harrowing look in his eyes was one I’d never forget.
I turned, putting on my best brave face. Swallowing back the tears, refusing to let them fall. I had to do this. I had to put myself first. It was what strong, independent women did. And I was the strongest, most independent woman I knew, because I refused to be anything less.
Besides, everyone left everyone eventually.
Why then, did walking away from him feel like I was walking away from sunlight, back into the deep, dark unknown?
Because that was where scarred hearts were meant to live.
It was time my heart went home.
“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein
FEBRUARY 22, 2016
LIFE WAS NOTHING BUT A shift in the winds.
It was what I told myself as I pulled up to the gates of the resort I’d call home for the next three months. Oregon reminded me so much of where I grew up. The timbered fresh air. The heady wind filled with an energy that zapped through my veins. It was the culture. The people. The lust for change and opposition against the norm of a warring society. One fist gripped heavily onto the past, the other plunging through into the unknown.
I rolled the window down, the squealing resistance fussing at me just as a man came around the corner… completely nude.
I’d mentally prepared myself or, at least, I thought I had. I’d seen plenty of men naked. I’d even watched porn here and there… but nothing could prepare me for the jarring shock of seeing someone in everyday life, out in the open, bare for all to see.
He was like a god walking a runway, the only article of clothing a glittering purple scarf draped effortlessly around his neck. Though the silver in his hair hinted his age, his body was well-maintained as he sashayed toward me, clipboard in hand.
What in the hell have I gotten myself into? I dropped my gaze, skin hot as I pinched my nose, cursing at myself.
“Hello, and welcome to Bare Freedom Resorts. I’m Basil, the fabulous and wonderful activities director. And you are?” There was a sweet lull to his words, with a hint of knowing laughter.
I raised my head, forcing a smile that felt squeaky and uneven. “I’m Hartley Fernsby.” I plunged my hand over the window ledge, waiting for him to take it.
He assessed it for a moment, as if trying to gauge what to do with it, and then gave it the daintiest shake. “Hartley.” He made a small noise in his throat. “What an adorable name,” he said when our hands retreated from each other. He gave me a once over, plump lips perfectly pursed. “You look lost, sweetie.”
My eyebrows pinched together. The GPS app opened on my phone said I was where I was meant to be. And then I remembered I was fully clothed, and acting as awkward as a girl who’d stumbled into the boy’s locker room.
At the end of P.E.
“I’m sorry,” I said with an edge of nervous laughter, scratching my forehead. Relax, Hartley. It’s only a penis. “I’m filming with Taiga Productions. I know I’m a little late—”
His laughter was loud. Almost outrageous as he cut me off. It fluttered through the air, fast and quick, like a hummingbird’s wings. “I didn’t mean lost as you’re in the wrong place. I meant, you look lost.” My mouth dropped open, words already shuffling up my tongue, but before I could get them out, he finished, “But don’t you worry about a thing, honey. This,” he said, fanning his arms out grandly with a feminine air, “this is where people come to find themselves, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will leave this place with that look on your face gone forever.”
My forehead furrowed. He was an odd bird. A little too presumptive. But there was something about him I liked.
“And you want to hear some good news?”
“Sure?”
“Clothing is optional for your crew.” He turned slightly to point to a sign that read: Clothing not optional within this park.
I carried the heat from Florida in my cheeks. “Lucky me,” I said under my breath, beginning to question if I’d made the right decision by coming here.
Yes. You explore, Hartley. You live through the lens. You need adventure.
This is why you left…
“Here’s a map of our resort.” He passed it through the window, and then rested his
elbows against the edge, leaning close. He smelled like freshly bloomed roses, and there was a beautiful hue of green sparkling eye shadow on his lids. I knew then he was my kind of person. His skin was like milk chocolate. Eyes a rich, coffee brown.
“Your crew has been given the back half of the resort where the cabins are stationed. They’re kept furthest away from our members. Comfort and privacy is our primary goal at this resort. The owner and most of our guests have agreed to be a part of this project with the stipulation that you stay away from the communal areas once filming is finished. Unless, of course, you want to join the nude community, at which you’re more than welcome to take part in our nightly activities.”
He winked a telling wink, and I couldn’t help the intrigue that peeked through the blinds in my mind. What stories would we discover within this resort?
“Thank you, Basil.” I relaxed into a smile. “I’ll keep you posted on that.”
He studied me for a moment. “You’re in safe hands now. Self-love and freedom from society’s restrictions… what more could you ask for?”
His grin widened, and he took a few steps back, his hand placed femininely on his hip. “Off you go then, lost girl.”
Lost girl, I thought. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could barely meet my own eyes.
Maybe I was lost.
The gates opened like warm arms waiting for a hug. I passed through, trying to follow the map Basil gave me. The grounds were winding, one-way roads that led through a drapery of trees that seemed to reach into the sky. In the center of the resort was the communal area. There was a large pool and indoor hot tub. A tennis court. An abandoned playground left behind from the previous campground owners. Even an outdoor fire pit that made my stomach twist as memories of sitting within Hudson’s arms tried to surface.
I redirected my thoughts to the fact that everyone was nude. Women casually strolled side by side, talking. Men played basketball and tennis. It was different seeing such normalized activities done bare-fleshed. At first, it was dicks swinging and balls slapping and boobs swaying. But once I moved past the initial shock, there was a certain beauty to it. A sort of truth I thought a lot of us sought but never found.
The Roots of Us Page 13