I’d never get the chance to resolve things with him. I’d never get my moment to yell at him for breaking me. For taking my trust and stomping on it. I’d never hear his side. Never know if leaving me was his biggest regret.
And then he was there.
He was always there.
Hudson scooped me up into his arms, cradled me against his chest. He was so warm and smelled so familiar, like home. For the first time in a long time, I felt safe. Whole. Like I could close my eyes and sleep for a century.
“Are you real?” I asked, touching his face as he carried me out of the bar and into the warm night air.
He chuckled at the question. God, how long had it been since I’d heard that glorious sound? Too long.
“Your mother called me. She told me what happened. Said I might find you here.”
Fissures spread through my heart.
“Oh, you came because of her,” I said, wishing I could reverse time. I was drunk, childish, and couldn’t find the will to care. “And how did she have your number?”
The scent I’d come to crave, his scent, was rich and overpowering, and I fought hard not to take hearty sips, but was losing rapidly.
“You left your phone at your apartment after you stormed out on her, drunk. And no, Hartley. I came here for you. To help you through this.”
There was no conviction in his tone, only concern, and it made resisting him only that much harder. He was always so good. Too good. His dark wasn’t as textured as mine. It was simple. Easy to spot and brighten. I was lost so deep within my own toxic sludge I feared nothing could pull me out.
The fissures spread further, like a disease, eating up the cells of hope. Yes, he was there for me, but only because he felt sorry for me. Not because he wanted to be with me.
He stopped alongside a vehicle I’d never seen before. As black as the velvet night. Shiny and new. Chromed wheels and a sloped hood. It wasn’t Hudson. It was too showy. This city was reshaping him, and I didn’t like it.
“New wheels?”
“Yeah…”
“I like the Monte Carlo better. It was less plastic and more character.”
He heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m taking you to my place. You shouldn’t be alone right now,” he said, ignoring my jab. There was more weariness than reserve in his voice.
“Fine,” I said.
He set me down, never letting go as he pulled a ring of keys from his pocket. The earth had tilted on its side, spinning like an awful trip on a merry-go-round.
“Hudson,” I said as I felt the hot, burning sensation rush up the back of my throat.
He must have heard it in my voice, because he had my hair in his hands as I leaned forward and let all of my sorrow spill from my mouth. My throat was on fire by the time it finished. Hudson was rubbing my back in small, soothing circles, whispering soft words of endearment as I continued to gag despite the emptiness in my stomach.
Life was a bitch, and she truly hated me in that moment.
Thankfully, the ride to his place was short. He did his best to drive with ease as my stomach sloshed in angry circles. Once we were parked, he carried me up the walkway and into his house. It was huge. Nothing like his place back in Florida. It had LA’s personality, snuggled amongst the hills of Hollywood.
But, inside, there was barely anything to give it character. A couch. A TV on a crate. No pictures. The only part of him were his sculptures placed in an unorganized manner around the living room.
Bilbo was at his feet, sniffing, hopping up and down in excitement the moment he realized who I was.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, wishing I could stand on my own and get some of his loving.
“He’s missed you,” Hudson said, walking slower as Bilbo weaved in and around his feet.
“I missed you, too,” I said to Bilbo, tears searing against my throat.
He carried me down a long hallway, and then into what I assumed was his room. The mattress was on the floor. A small makeshift end table made from a cardboard box next to it. His sheets were a mess, and I felt jealousy tapping me on the shoulder. Had his girlfriend been there earlier? How many times had they made love on those same sheets? I had no place wondering, but I couldn’t help it. Possession and bitterness were acrid on my tongue. A part of me would always lay claim on Hudson.
“I’m going to set you down,” he said once we were in the bathroom. I didn’t argue with him. Not with the world still spinning cruelly. A second later, he was peeling me out of my clothes, and then setting me in the bathtub. It was a nice, large soaking tub. Bilbo was curled up on the rug in front of the sink, placed at an angle where he could see us.
“What are you doing?” I asked when he got in behind me. We were both in our underwear, and I was freaking out as if we’d never seen each other naked before. Warm water rose around us, cocooning us.
He reached for the soap. “Washing you.”
“Won’t your girlfriend get mad?” The venom was so thick in my tone it could sting him. Maybe it did.
He didn’t say anything for a moment, as if trying to decide on something. “We broke up,” he finally said, his voice even.
My brain sat forward. “Shame.” Childish, but fuck it. It was how I felt, and I was past the point of trying to cover it up. Exhaustion seeped from my skin. I felt like I’d taken a trip to hell and back.
I was an emotional wreck.
“Why did you break up?” I asked, wanting to think about someone else’s problems. I didn’t want to think about my father. I wouldn’t. Not when I was with him.
He poured some shampoo into his hands, and I was grateful it was the scent of his and not some floral shit that’d remind me he’d been with someone after me.
“Lean forward a bit,” he said, rubbing his hands together.
I didn’t care if he was there only as a friend. I needed what he was offering, and I wasn’t going to refuse it. Kindness. Generosity.
Love.
I would take every minute he gave me and savor it as if it were my last. Place it on the shelf in my mind where all my prized moments went. His hands were delicate as he ran soapy fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes, every nerve in my body alight from the familiarity of his touch. I wanted to turn and put my lips on him. Taste him once more. But I feared I’d scare him off.
“She asked to move in with me.”
“How long were you together?” I already knew. Of course I did. But I couldn’t let him think I’d stalked him online.
“Almost seven months.”
Images of clawing her eyes out surfaced. I smiled.
“We were only together for a few months when you asked me,” I said, taking pride in knowing that.
I felt him stiffen a little, and internally kicked myself. He was being good to me. A friend. The least I could do was be the same. Maybe that was all we would get in this life, friendship, and if that was the case, then I’d gladly take it.
“Wouldn’t it have been the right move? Taking things to the next level?” I asked, sobering at the thought.
“Sure… if I’d loved her.”
I froze, heart skittering. “But?”
“But I didn’t. I tried. It just… it wasn’t there. Nothing has been since you.”
Because he was still mine, and I was his.
Was he sending me signals? Had I read this wrong? Did he still want me? Had he finally come to his senses regarding his shithead brother?
There was only one way to find out.
I ran my fingers down the lengths of his thighs. Bravery lived inside liquor. A finger trailed down the length of my neck, following the curve to my collarbone. His favorite spot. His thumb brushed along my skin as heat invaded my stomach.
“That feels good,” I said, wishing this moment could last forever. The warmth from the water. The warmth from his touch.
“Good.” There was a relatable ache in his voice. “Lean back.”
I scooted forward, and then let myself fall into the strength of his arms
. He cradled my head in his hands as he dipped my head beneath the water, using his other hand to work the soap out. I enjoyed the silence the water brought. It calmed my thoughts. Eased the ache in my head.
When the soap was out, he dried me off, gave me a long T-shirt to wear, and then carried me to his bed. After he changed, he moved to lay beside me, pulling me against his chest, holding me close. Even if it wasn’t real. Even though it would end when the sun rose, I let myself pretend he was mine again. Damn the consequences. I reached up, playing with the stubble beginning to poke through on his chin.
“You’re growing it out again?”
He smiled. A smile that used to be only mine. “Someone I love said they liked the gruff on me better.”
Bear Man, I thought with a lazy smile.
Bilbo jumped up on the bed, trotted in small circles, and then laid down between my legs.
I giggled.
“What?”
“I’m sleeping with my two favorite guys. How lucky am I?”
“The luckiest,” he said, running his fingers up and down my arm.
Sleep tugged on my eyelids, drawing the shades. I didn’t want to close my eyes. Didn’t want to slip away from a moment that would be gone come morning, but I was rapidly losing.
“Hudson.” I was desperate to hang on.
“Yes?”
“Don’t disappear in the morning,” I said, praying with everything I had.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled me closer. “Never again.”
I smiled. “I was right,” I said, words slippery and uneven. My breathing slowing.
He ran his hand through my hair. “About what?”
“You are a guardian angel. My guardian angel.”
NOVEMBER 20, 2017
MY HEAD THROBBED WITH AN ungodly amount of pain. It felt like my brain was banging against my skull. The room spun in lazy circles that made my stomach slosh. I decided right then that I hated Jack. I’d never believe his lies again.
After rubbing my eyes, I found a glass of water and two aspirin on my nightstand, along with a note in Hudson’s handwriting.
In the kitchen. Breakfast is on its way.
My heart expanded as I held the note against my chest. I missed those pieces of papers. The way he made sure I woke knowing where he was. Why had I run from that? Why did the broken ones feel safer in their unhappiness? I knew the answer. I thought I’d always known.
Because unhappiness was all we’d ever known. It was our routine. It was the one thing we could rely on. It couldn’t break us, because we were already broken.
But Hudson… I wanted to rely on him.
Bilbo was still wedged between my legs, sleeping in a sated bliss. I ruffled his ears. Ran my finger down the slope of his nose. “I missed you so much, buddy,” I said, curling up beside him. Dogs were magic. Able to remove the darkest of blues from my soul.
After a few minutes, I stood, hearing the sizzles coming from the kitchen. I wanted to watch him cook. To feel the way I used to when he’d dance around the kitchen. Leaning on the wall for support, I clutched my head as the throbbing started a cadence that made my stomach turn. I needed to stay in bed to sleep off my hangover, but I didn’t know how long I could stay, and I wanted to savor every minute of his presence. I had to.
Making my way down the hall, I stopped when I heard two baritone voices weaving together.
“That smells amazing. Something must have you in a good mood. You haven’t cooked in ages.”
It was Silas’ voice. Disappointment and anger slashed at my hope. I’d known my time with Hudson had to end eventually, but I was hoping for a little bit longer.
“You said you wanted to talk?” Hudson sounded uneasy, like he was walking a tightrope. Probably because he knew I was supposed to be in his room, sleeping.
“Yeah,” Silas said, his voice turning serious.
“About what?”
“Hartley,” Silas said. “I was wrong.”
My heart jumped at my name. My stomach protested the butterflies. Hudson didn’t say anything, so I leaned closer.
“I should have never come between what you two had. I was… I was selfish. Jealous. Stupid.”
Fuck yeah, you were, I thought snidely as Bilbo came tottering down the hallway. Stopping to curl up inside my lap.
“I was being a shit. I fucked up. You’ve only ever tried to do right by me, and I never understood that. That night, when I told you I was leaving with Dad, I was wrong. You were looking out for me, but I was too selfish to see that. I thought I could fix him, for the both of us, when I should have listened to you.”
I peered around the corner. Hudson had stilled, muscles tensing in his back.
“I’m trying to be a better person… a better brother. I know I can’t undo the past, but I want you to know that coming between you two… it was wrong. You didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve it. I want to make things right.”
“Si, I—”
“She has this magic, you know,” Silas said, talking over him. “This ability to make you see yourself, even when you don’t want to.”
“She does, but that’s in the past now,” Hudson said. The sadness leaking from his tone was crippling.
My heart tripped over itself. Why? Why did it have to be in the past? How could it be when he’d held me so sweetly last night? Somewhere inside him, he still loved me.
But you left him.
“She’s not over you,” Silas continued, a certain persistence in his tone. I’d heard it a thousand times before. When he set his mind on something, he went after it. “I tried to reach out to her. To apologize… she’s a mess without you, Hudson.”
Shades of red rolled down the edges of my face. How dare he? It wasn’t his place. But then again, when did Silas ever stay in his place?
“She’s here,” Hudson said a moment later.
“Who? Rosemary?” His voice quieted, as if telling a secret. “Did you finally agree to move her in?”
“No. I broke up with Rosemary a couple of nights ago.” He paused. “She’s here.”
Silence filled the room as the truth sank its teeth in. I rested my head against the wall, listening to the sounds of Hudson cooking.
“Are you two…?”
The true test. Did Silas mean it? Was he only saying it because he thought Hudson was off-limits?
“Her father is dying,” Hudson finally said.
Ice settled in my chest as my world started spinning without me. Hearing it from his mouth… I couldn’t… I didn’t want to listen anymore.
“Oh, shit. Damn, man. Is she… how is she?”
“Sleeping now. I found her at a bar last night. Her mom called, worried. I think… I don’t think she’s handling it well.”
What was it with the Jameson brothers thinking they knew me better than I knew myself? I was fine. I needed a minute to collect myself… that was all.
Liar.
Neither of them said anything for a long time.
“She needs you,” Silas finally said. “And you need her.”
Hudson didn’t say anything. I peeked around the corner again. His back was to Silas, every muscle stiff.
“I mean it, brother. I’ve got myself in check. The pettiness ends now. She’s yours. She’s always been yours.”
Silas stood from the stool he was sitting on, ruffling a hand through his shaggy hair.
“Will you tell her my thoughts are with her?”
Hudson turned a little. “Yeah.” he said, “I can tell her that.”
Once Silas was gone, Hudson turned all the way around and locked eyes with me. “You can come out now.” A small smile curved at the corner of his lips.
“You knew I was there?”
“The whole time.” He set a plate down on the counter.
I should have known. He had a weird sixth sense.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like life took a huge dump on me. But, you know, I’ll be okay.”
He off
ered me a fork. “The food should help.”
I took it, and then took a small, tentative bite. It looked good, but the smell and the thought of eating made me queasy.
“So he finally apologized,” I said after my second bite.
“He did.”
“I told him he was too late.”
“Was he?”
I paused. “No. I guess not.”
“He’s annoying that way,” Hudson said, chuckling. “No matter what, it’s impossible to stay mad at him for too long. And you always miss him when he’s gone.”
He was right about that. I just didn’t want to admit it.
“He was also right,” Hudson continued, stopping in front of me. “I do need you, and I think you still need me, too.”
He sealed his confession with a kiss, pulling me against the length of him. How many times had I imagined this moment? Craved for his large hands to cup my face as he claimed my soul?
He lifted me off the seat. I wrapped my legs around him, tasting every inch of his mouth as my hands found his hair and he carried me toward his room. I didn’t care about my headache… I just wanted to be close to him. To never let him go again.
The mattress was soft as he pressed his hard body on top of me. Moved a knee in between my legs, willing me to open for him. I pulled him closer, wishing we could melt out of our skin and press our bones together.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much, Hartley.” Emotions choked his voice.
I could barely see through the misty haze in my eyes. “I love you, Hudson. I’m so sorry I left. I’m so sorry I never said it before.”
Years of sorrow and regret streamed through my kiss, replaced by an overwhelming sense of solace.
“It doesn’t matter now,” he said as we stripped down to our souls, baring them to one another. “All that matters is you’re back in my arms.”
With every kiss, he carved the cancerous mistrust from my body. With every touch, he seared the wounds shut. And with every tender word, he tore the curtains down and let the light back into my heart.
The Roots of Us Page 25