“Katie, it’s Callie.”
I closed my eyes. “Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
“I guess he told you.” I hated this. Now other people knew, and it was just getting bigger and bigger, swirling out of control. Not that I would be able to hide it. But I thought for a little bit longer it would just be between us.
“Yeah, he told me. And I asked if I could call you. I hope that’s okay? I figured you were really scared right now. And might need a friend. Someone who knows a little about this.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I-I um . . . thank you. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what’s happening. One minute it doesn’t seem that bad and the next, well . . . I don’t know. Like one big scary black hole that’s eating me.”
“That’s normal. Even I felt that way.”
“Really?” I whispered.
“Yeah. Really. Why don’t you get some rest and maybe we can get together tomorrow. How does that sound? You want to meet me for dinner?”
“Yeah.” The tears fell down my cheeks. “That would be good. I would like that.”
“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. We can figure out where to go.”
“Sounds good.”
“Get some rest, Katie.”
“Okay.”
My mind was mush and my body was exhausted. I crawled under the covers just as my phone rang again. I smiled seeing his name on the screen this time.
“Hey,” I whispered.
“Hey,” he whispered back.
And as the empty static across the phone buzzed in my ear, I listened to him breathe. “Go to sleep, Katie. I’ll be right here.”
“Okay.” I closed my eyes, trying to remember what city he was in tonight, but it didn’t matter. I felt Lucky through the phone. And then I heard him, from hundreds of miles away, his voice came with the softness of a caress to my cheek.
If the days feel lonely and the nights get tough,
Just know that I’m thinkin’ of you.
Even when I’m gone,
And the days get rough.
I’ll come back to you.
A promise I will always keep.
So close your eyes,
And think of me as you fall asleep.
’Cause nothin’ has ever felt this right.
Good night, my Katie. Good night.
I once read a poem by Edgar Allan Poe about being alone. A tragic and oddly strange poem with a beautiful and haunting prose that talked of loss and unhappiness while contemplating why sometimes life is just different for some than others—why they felt different on the inside.
The poem was one of many in a dusty book that smelled of mothballs I had found on my father’s bookshelf. I had read it that time my parents left me alone in Memphis for five days while they went to Vegas.
I remember two things about that long weekend. Poe wrote some twisted words, and I never wanted to be my parents.
Those memories stayed just on the edge of my thoughts as I turned another page on my Kindle. I felt the warmth of the spring breeze, hitting my cheeks.
A burst of laughter came from the two women seated across from me at the school picnic table. I looked up, seeing Vanessa eating her sandwich while looking at something on Sarah’s phone. My gaze drifted over to Mrs. Frazier. Her pursed lips were pressed in a thin line as she pretended not to be staring at our table.
I turned my attention back to my book. Electronics allowed all kinds of secrets these days. I’m sure the women assumed I was caught up in the illicit pages of something Peyton would enjoy. But instead, I had just discovered my baby was the size of a kidney bean.
I smiled while absently resting a hand across my stomach. For something so tiny, that kidney bean was wreaking major havoc on my life and digestive system. I couldn’t keep much of anything down. For the last three days, I had eaten toast for breakfast, crackers for lunch, and toast again for dinner. It wasn’t even the good kind with bacon sandwiched in between the crusty layers.
Bacon. Just the thought of it made my stomach turn. Along with chicken and hamburgers. Mental meat food poisoning. And I guess completely normal according to Callie.
We’d had a good talk. She helped me schedule an appointment with an OB-GYN and recommended some very helpful and graphic reading material.
I wanted a plan and she helped get one started, which eased the initial fear and shock. Well, maybe the shock. I was still worried. But I had months to plan for the baby and as the days passed by, I got a little more comfortable with the idea.
I would get this figured out. We would get this figured out.
Lucky was coming in for my official doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t wait to see him. And it was a different kind of feeling now. I wanted to share this with him. Every night when I went to sleep, I thought about how everything was already changing and he wasn’t here to see it.
I smiled as I continued to read my secret book in the middle of the school courtyard. The more I thought about my little kidney bean, the more I wanted my little bean. And that was something important to me. I never wanted our baby not to feel wanted. Not even right now.
“Hey, did they give you a contract yet for next year?” Vanessa asked from across the table, dragging my attention from my book.
I looked up and smiled. “Yeah, I got it yesterday.”
“Oh, good! I’m excited. You’re going to take it, right?” Her pale cheeks were already a little red from the lunchtime sun. I liked Vanessa and the other teachers here. She was about ten years older than me with a couple of kids.
“I think so. I need to talk to the principal about a couple of things before I sign, though.” Like the fact that I would be having a baby. The thought still sent a quick jolt of fear under my skin. But it wasn’t quite as electrifying as it had been last week.
“Girl, you better get that signed before they offer it to someone else.”
“I know.” My phone rang, and I saw Lucky’s name on the screen. “Hold on.”
“It’s her rock star boyfriend again.” Vanessa nudged Sarah with her elbow.
I laughed before I answered. “Hey.”
“Hey, Katie. I know it’s the middle of the day. I just . . . I wanted to call you.”
Getting up from the table, I walked over to the side of the building, away from everyone else and their prying ears. “I’ve got about fifteen minutes left.”
“You feeling any better?”
“Not really.” I leaned back against the brick wall of the building, hearing the kids out on the playground.
“I wish I could make it better.”
I laughed. “If you had the power to make nausea go away, then you might actually be a superhero.”
“You’re funny. And it’s nice to hear you laugh.”
“It’s nice to hear your voice.”
He let out a deep breath. The sound of male voices echoed in the background mixed in with the rugged engine of the old bus. And in the midst of his chaos, I heard the deep longing in his voice. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” I whispered.
“Do you know how much I miss you?”
The brick wall dug into my back as another wave of nausea hit my stomach, but I smiled anyway. “How much?”
“I miss you the way a drunk man misses a bottle of whiskey. Deep in his gut and bones. It’s the first thing he wants when crawling out of bed in the morning. And the only thing that will make him sleep at night. That bottle haunts him. He even sees it in his dreams. And he thinks, If I can have just a little taste of that whiskey, then I can go on another day.”
I laughed, rolling my eyes as my heart melted just a little bit more for Lucky. “You should put that in a song.”
“Who says I haven’t?”
My fingers twisted around in knots until my knuckles popped, one by one, like little firecrackers in the quiet exam room. Lucky wasn’t going to make it. His connector flight in Dallas had gotten delayed because of the thunderstorms. I had alre
ady let them bump two other patients in front of me. The nurse finally said it was now, or I would need to reschedule.
I looked at flowery wallpaper. I guess the light pattern should put a nervous person at ease. But I was a complete wreck. I was alone at my first appointment with the OB-GYN. As if on cue, another clap of thunder rumbled outside the building.
I was sad that he would miss this. My heart ached to see him. So many things had changed since we last saw each other. So many big things, and they would just keep getting bigger.
The doctor came in the room with his nurse. He was an older man with mostly white hair, wearing blue scrubs. I wished Callie had come with me. Dr. Phillips had delivered both Zach and Mia. She absolutely loved the man and said I would too. I told her I would be fine. Lucky would be with me, but now he wasn’t and I had to face this by myself.
“How are you doing, Katie?”
I let out a deep breath, twisting the paper gown up in my fist. “I’m okay.”
“Well, let’s see what’s going on. I know the health center gave you a little information, but let’s check everything out. We can do a complete blood work-up and get an official due date set.”
I nodded, swallowing the thick lump in my throat. I struggled to keep from shivering in the chilly room that smelled of lemon disinfectant.
I lay on the sterile table as the doctor did the exam. His perky nurse Becky held my hand as I stared up at the ceiling. Her glowing smile was a little too much to stomach at the moment. Her lips literally were the color of a pink neon sign. I let out a deep breath. Maybe I should have just asked Peyton to drop everything and drive over when I knew Lucky wouldn’t make it.
Dr. Phillips pulled the paper gown up higher before squirting the cool gel on my skin. He worked the machine as I watched the image on the screen. A few weeks had passed so the details appeared much clearer this time.
“All right. I see your baby.” His gloved finger pointed at the screen. “See right here?”
A warm rush hit me on the inside and the coldness drifted away. I stared at the screen as he described the image. Everything in my life shifted slowly into focus. I swallowed hard, but it didn’t stop a tear from rolling down my cheek.
And just when I didn’t think my heart could feel any bigger, a sound came from the machine. It was a steady swoosh over and over again. I would never forget this moment. The smell of lemons on a stormy day as I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
Another tear rolled down my cheek as I looked at the doctor.
He smiled. “This never gets old.”
“What?”
“That moment when the mama hears it for the first time. It never gets old for me.”
I wiped a few tears off on my hand and thought about Lucky. He was missing this moment. The tears fell a little harder. Maybe he could be here for the next one.
“Okay, Katie, let’s talk for a minute.” He covered me back up and sat on the stool.
I gripped the paper gown in my fingers again. “Okay.”
He looked at a chart while Becky typed on the computer, entering my information. “I’m going to put your due date at . . . let’s see . . . about November twenty-second. You’ll have a little turkey.”
I laughed as I remembered my last Thanksgiving—and Halloween. Chill bumps suddenly covered my skin as the overwhelming thoughts plagued me. In a matter of a year, my life had evolved into a completely different future—all because of a guy who made me laugh one night at a party I didn’t even want to attend.
I sucked in a deep breath, letting it out slowly from my nose.
“You okay?” He patted me on the shoulder.
I nodded weakly. “Yes. Just a little cold.”
“Okay, why don’t you get dressed.” His kind blue eyes found mine. At that moment, I understood why Callie loved him as a doctor. He made you want to hug him. “I know this can be a lot to process at first. But it gets better. Will the baby’s father be involved?”
“Yes, his flight was delayed. He was supposed to be here.”
“Okay.” He smiled. “I’ll have Becky go over everything that will be happening in the next few months. If you have any concerns, don’t hesitate to call our office. Sound good?”
“Yeah. Okay.” But I knew my life would never be okay again.
The windshield wipers struggled to keep up with the pouring rain on the drive back home. A clap of thunder vibrated the car followed by an electrifying streak across the sky. I saw my phone light up with a call from Lucky, but I couldn’t answer in this storm, which seemed to be getting worse.
My hands were shaking by the time I pulled into the driveway. I ran from the car as ice pellets pounded the ground. The hail hit me in the back until I finally got the door open. Closing it behind me, I leaned against the wood boards until my heart calmed down.
I went to my bedroom to change clothes as the storm continued to rage outside the window. The tree next to the house whipped around in the blowing wind. My roommates were not at home and I wondered if they were trying to drive in this or if they stayed put somewhere safe.
Slipping on a dry shirt, I heard the front door open and I froze, hearing a deep voice. “Katie?”
I sucked in a gasp before running down the hallway. My heart physically hurt in my chest when I finally saw him. Lucky was standing in the living room, looking every bit the star I pretended he wasn’t.
My eyes trailed down his body, taking in the dark jeans, clinging tight to his thighs, and the black T-shirt, molding to every muscle underneath the soft fabric. And that hair. It was slicked back, slightly damp from the rain.
His homecomings always caused a bit of magic to float through the air. And that spark pulled us together. Lucky scooped me up, giving me a cold wet kiss. His mouth moved softly against mine, letting the warmth build between our lips. My arms went around his neck and my bare toes dangled about a foot off the ground.
I had missed him. His laugh. His smile. His love of life and the way that transcended into my world. My feet eventually touched the carpet again, but he left his arms around me. I felt the wet spots on his black shirt as he held me against his chest. He broke the kiss to look into my eyes. “Am I hurting you?”
I shook my head no, feeling our noses brush against each other. Lucky placed a soft kiss on my lips. “I have imagined this moment about a hundred times over the last hour as I was driving here. But all of those thoughts were not even a fraction of how this really feels.”
“I know.” I smiled, running my fingers through his damp hair, pushing it off his forehead. My hands continued down his shoulders. I needed to touch him, feel his body, and know he really was standing in front of me. I had to remind myself to breathe.
“You have no idea how much that look right there drives me crazy. Those green eyes have haunted me for weeks.” He placed a light kiss on the tip of my nose. “Come on.”
Lucky guided me toward the couch. Sitting down on the cushions, he pulled me sideways into his lap, wrapping his arms around my whole body. I felt his breath on my cheek and his heart beating against me. He smelled of rain and his leathery cologne.
And then it happened. My resolve started to crumble. Since the day I had found out about the baby, something had held me together. I had cried, but something inside my gut refused to let me cave into the fear and uncertainty. I had kept going, day after day, carrying this weight alone.
But wrapped in Lucky’s arms, I felt myself let go.
I let go mentally and physically, collapsing against his chest. My hand gripped tight to his T-shirt as I clung to his strength. I buried my face against his neck, taking in a deep breath of his scent, hoping it would calm the chaos inside of me.
“I don’t know if I could have gone another week without you. I need—” My voice dropped off as the tears took over. “I needed you.”
“Hey, Katie. I’m so sorry,” he whispered in my hair. “It’s okay. I’m here.” The comforting words flowed from his lips. We stayed like that on
the couch as the rain hit the window behind us.
He eventually pulled my fingers from his shirt, brushing soft kisses on each fingertip. He slipped our intertwined hands between us, resting them against my stomach. “Can I see?”
“Okay.” I felt a little self-conscious as I leaned back on the cushions, leaving my feet across his lap.
He was used to seeing me one way. My body would continue changing a little every day, but he wouldn’t be here to witness the gradual difference. Instead, he would get a shock each time he came home.
I pulled the bottom of my T-shirt to the edge of my bra. The excitement flashed in his eyes as he rested his hand on the center of my bare stomach. “You don’t look much different yet.”
“Not really. It’s still early. I can tell though. My pants are tighter.”
“How big is it now?” Lucky traced his finger across my skin.
“The book said a kumquat.”
He grinned. “I have no idea what that is.”
“Me either. I had to look it up. A tiny orange.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I don’t understand most of the stuff in there. I’m having to learn.”
“Maybe I should read it too.”
“Maybe, if you want. I can get you a copy.” Our eyes held for a moment as the emotions built up for both of us. And then he leaned over, placing a kiss on the middle of my stomach before laying his cheek against me. I felt each of his breaths drift across my skin.
I reached down, running my fingers through his hair. “I heard the heartbeat today.”
“I’m sorry. I should have been here.” He lifted his head up, gazing at me with his deep brown eyes. “I don’t want it to be this way.”
“It won’t be. It’s difficult right now. But the baby isn’t due until November.”
“He told you the date?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “November twenty-second. It feels better knowing, I think. We can get this figured out better before then. You’re here now. We can . . . can make a plan.” I cupped his face in my hands.
My Lucky Days: A Novel Page 19