We held each other, covered in a sheen of sweat. Everything felt good. My mind. My body. My heart.
And suddenly, the beautiful sunshine was ripped from me as the reality of what just happened slammed me in the gut. I stared at Lucky in horror. “We didn’t use protection.”
“Katie. It’s okay. I um . . . I don’t have anything. I’ve been tested. If you’re worried.” Something flickered in his eyes—humiliation, regret, remorse—but I didn’t care.
“That’s not the problem.” Panic rolled through my chest. “I’m not on birth control. What if I get pregnant?”
His face twitched as the color drained from his cheeks.
“That’s what I thought.” I swallowed the lump in my throat before pushing him off me. I scooted back against the headboard, wrapping my arms around my legs, hugging myself into a little ball. I couldn’t. This couldn’t happen again. I tried to take a breath, but my lungs wouldn’t cooperate. The air got stuck in my throat.
Hannah was wrong. This story had the same ending. And I needed to get out of here. Jumping off the bed, I grabbed my clothes. My hands were shaking to the point I could barely pull my panties up my legs. And the clasp on my bra refused to cooperate. I tried over and over again as the tears fell down my cheeks.
And then I felt his arms around me.
“It will be okay,” he whispered against my hair.
“No.” I tried to twist away. My legs started to buckle as a sob choked my throat.
“It’s okay.” He voice was soft. Lucky held me tighter against his chest.
“No.” But there wasn’t any fight left in me. He pulled me back toward the bed until I was in his lap. I cried into his bare shoulder with my bra half-fastened across my back. He smoothed my hair. I heard his voice, but everything was getting fuzzy. I felt that pain again as the panic took control.
His forehead pressed against mine. I felt his hands rubbing over my back. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted you so bad. But if it happens, I know it will be okay. We could do it.”
“But what if it’s not?” I whispered as another tear slipped down my cheek. “What if it happens again?”
And there I said it. My biggest fear. It wasn’t Sam. It wasn’t us. It was this.
He put his hands gently on each side of my face. Our eyes met as he wiped away my tears. “We can’t control that, Katie. Today or five years from now. But if it happens? We will go through it together this time. Not alone. Not separate. Not drowning ourselves in things that just rip us apart even more. We are choosing to be happy together. But we are also choosing to be broken together.”
“The broken pieces hurt, Lucky.” I sniffled. “They hurt really bad.”
“I know they did. I know they still do sometimes. I feel them too. Maybe not in the way you did. But I felt them. And it hurt me. And it killed me even more knowing we felt them while apart. I won’t let that happen again.”
His arms were around my body, holding me tight to his chest. My heart was beating loud. He must have felt it. Every beat shaking me from the inside out.
Lucky moved his fingers in soft circles on my back. It felt nice. My muscles started to relax. And then I heard his voice, humming lightly against my cheek. I recognized the tune before he whispered the words. Lucky was singing my song.
A thousand minutes may pass.
And a hundred thoughts may come.
But all of those disappear.
When I’m sittin’ in the sun.
Starin’ into your green eyes.
Watchin’ them change with your smile.
Wantin’ to kiss your lips.
’Cause I need to taste them for a while.
“I’ve missed hearing that,” I whispered.
His lips brushed against my forehead. “I haven’t sang it in a really long time.”
“You haven’t?”
He shook his head slightly. “No.”
“I kept waiting for it, you know.” I touched his face, running my fingers over the stubble on his cheeks. “But you never put it on an album.”
“I never recorded it. I’ve never played it on stage either.”
“Why?” I whispered.
“It wasn’t mine to share.” He smiled before his lips captured mine. We were kissing and eventually, he started singing again.
Watchin’ you as the moonlight shines.
I keep askin’ myself,
Could this girl really be mine?
So I pull you in close, kissin’ you softly.
And then your hands are in my hair.
My lips are on your skin.
I get lost in the feel of your body,
As you let me touch you again.
And even when the sky is full of snow,
And the ground is nothin’ but ice.
I feel the beat of your heart,
And the warmth inside.
I crave the taste of your lips.
The way your body moves against my skin.
And the way you let go as you close your eyes,
And your heart lets me in.
A glimpse of your smile.
Won’t ever be enough.
’Cause my heart keeps tellin’ me,
I’ve fallen in love.
I don’t know how I ever thought our love was the kind that burned bright for only a short time. As he held me in his arms, slowly rocking us back and forth, singing my song, I knew our love was rare and beautiful. It would burn bright for all eternity. A never-ending flame.
We eventually crawled under the covers and our bodies were intertwined as tight as our hearts. He lifted my fingers up to his lips, kissing each one. “I’ve got one more commitment. And then I’m done.”
“Done?” I looked at him in confusion.
“I’ve got to go to New York in a couple of days. I’m kicking off the Good Morning America Summer Concert series. I’ll do a quick interview before. They don’t know it, but I’m making my official announcement with them.”
“What are you doing?”
“What I need to do.” He smiled. “I’m gonna tell them that I’m taking an extended leave of absence to spend time with my family. I recently just adopted a child. And I’ve been going full speed since I was nineteen. I need a vacation.”
My mind was spinning, trying to process what he was saying. “For how long?”
“For as long as I need to be gone. Depending on how things are going here, it could be years before I want to be pulled in every direction again.”
“What if it’s not the same when you go back?”
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Maybe they won’t like me anymore. Or maybe I’ll sell ten times the amount of concert tickets after being gone for a while. It doesn’t matter. I wanted to have it all at the same time. But it didn’t work out that way. I had a really successful career. I’ve even got two Grammys. But now it’s time to be successful in this part of my life. With people I love. I want that. Even if it means I never sing in another stadium.”
He was serious. And I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I never wanted him to give it up. Being a singer was part of him, ingrained in his very soul.
He kissed me, leaning his forehead against mine. “I know you think I need to be out there. I don’t. I’ll be okay.”
“I’ll love you either way,” I whispered. And I truly would. Because I had loved him up close and from a distance. I had loved him even when my heart hurt. I had loved him when I didn’t think I should and even when I convinced myself that I didn’t.
His eyes bore into mine. And then he kissed me hard with every ounce of emotion inside of him. His lips said the same thing back to me. Lucky eventually pulled back, leaving a little kiss on the tip of my nose. “I know you wanted to do this slow. I don’t think that’s really possible with us.”
“I know.”
“But you can take it slow with Sam.”
I swallowed the sudden knot in my throat. “Okay.”
“A little at a time un
til we figure out how to do this with us and with him.”
I rested my head against his chest. I felt his heart beating. We stayed like that until the sun disappeared from the sky and I fell asleep wrapped in his arms.
The summer sun blazed above my head as I planted flowers in my backyard. It wasn’t nearly the caliber of beauty I saw off the patio at Hannah’s house, but my flowerbeds brightened up the view when I looked out the little window over my kitchen sink. It was the little things that made a house into a home. Those details were always important to me.
The smell of dirt was strong in the air as sweat dripped down my forehead and into my eyes. Taking off my gardening gloves, I went inside to cool off and get a drink. As the water ran from the tap, I grabbed a paper towel, wetting it enough to run over my face. I leaned against the counter, feeling the cold air blow from the vents.
School had ended for the year. I had spent the last few days with my students, which never got easier. I still hated the goodbyes. After months of seeing their smiling faces, my students would move on. They would leave. And I would be in the same spot, waiting for the next round. I would do it all over again. And that was okay. The payoff was so much greater than the heartache.
I saw my phone light up, indicating an incoming text. Picking it up from the counter, I read the new message. I smiled.
LUCKY: I’m back in town. Can I come over later?
ME: I’ll be home all afternoon.
LUCKY: Good. Can’t wait to see you. I missed you.
ME: I missed you too.
Setting my phone back down, I took another drink of my water. Lucky and I were still trying to figure this all out, trying to get to know the new versions of ourselves. Schedules had been tough over the last week, and we’d only seen each other once since that afternoon at the pool house. But that didn’t stop the texts. Or the phone calls. We talked every night. And it felt good hearing his voice again.
I was still nervous about this new life we decided to start together. He told me more about Sam. The little things he knew at this point. We planned to meet soon. When he got back from his last commitment. And that made me nervous. It shouldn’t. I had dedicated my career to children. But this was different. Sam was depending on me. He was depending on us not to screw this up.
A few days ago, Lucky flew to New York for the Good Morning America appearance. His finale. I’d watched the show alone this morning in my house. And just as he promised, Lucky did a brief interview before the concert, announcing his retirement hiatus. The host blinked for a second from shock before launching into a slew of questions.
It was hard for me to hear. Tears had fallen down my cheeks, but it meant this was real. This new life of ours was really going to happen. And Lucky was happy. He was going out on top. And he was okay with his decision.
Our worlds were suddenly changing. The loose ends had begun spinning and turning like threads, wrapping around each other as the pieces closed up the holes. And the truth: I was happy too. More than I had been in a really long time.
The door to the house opened, and I saw Peyton walking inside, wearing her large dark sunglasses and caring a little suitcase. She pulled the expensive brown sunglasses off. Her entire face was puffy and red in a way that only came from hours of crying. I should know.
“He’s married,” she said as the tears fell down her cheeks. “I’m the fucking other woman. I’m no better than the home-wrecking whore who fucked up my marriage. Actually, I’m worse. ’Cause he’s got kids. A whole little family in Cincinnati fucking Ohio.”
My heart immediately broke for my roommate. I went over, putting my arms around her. She clung to me as the sobs started again. “Hey, you didn’t know. That’s not your fault.”
“I know.” She sniffled. “But it doesn’t make me feel any less disgusted. I spent an entire week in his family vacation home.”
“How did you find out?”
She pulled back. “Well, he sure as hell didn’t tell me. I found a photo in this really beautiful frame shoved in a drawer under these blankets. I guess since it was summer, he thought I wouldn’t be digging around in a drawer full of blankets.”
She let go of me, going over to the couch, falling onto her back with her shoes on the cushions. “They were beautiful. All blonde and tan. Her ring was sooo big, I could see the diamond glaring at me in the photo. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought it was the picture that came with the frame. But it was the beach outside the condos. And that was him. Arm around his wife. Hand on the shoulder of his daughter.”
“I’m so sorry.” I sat down in the chair as the heaviness hit me. I knew what she really wanted. Peyton wanted to be the woman in the picture. She just didn’t know how to get there.
She didn’t say anything for a while as she stared up at the ceiling. “Everything in my life is so screwed up. It’s like I have this giant arrow over my head that says, Pick her. She’s your next idiot. That’s all I am. Just another notch. Or side piece. I’m the dumb idiot.”
“You are not a dumb idiot.”
She looked at me with sad eyes and a red nose. “Then what am I?”
“You are sweet. And fun. And funny. And caring and beautiful.” I smiled, feeling the tears in my own eyes. “It doesn’t make you the idiot when they don’t see that.”
Her face pinched up again. “Then maybe I should just stop.”
“What do you mean?”
“Dating. I can’t do this anymore. I only attract guys who pretend to be men but are really just junior high assholes. I’m done with assholes. And . . . and . . . I’m not even kissing another guy without a background check.”
I laughed.
“You think that’s funny?”
I shook my head. “No, I just want you to be happy. So if that helps.”
“Maybe I need to do everything different.”
“Maybe,” I agreed.
“Maybe I need to get my own place.”
“Maybe,” I whispered.
“I’m serious. Think about it. I’ve never actually lived alone. Ever. I’m thirty years old. And I have never lived alone. I was squished in that house with all my siblings growing up. I lived in the dorms and then here with you and Skylar. I moved out and lived with Emily. Then I married Geoff. I lived with him. And then I moved back in here with you instead of getting my own place in the city, which would have fit better with my job. I did it because I don’t know how to be alone. Or maybe I thought I wouldn’t be alone that long. I’d find someone else. But I’m not going to. So maybe I should commit to something else.”
“Commit to something that is for you?”
She sat up as the light came back into her eyes. “Yes.”
I nodded as I followed her line of thought. She was right. No commitment left her available. And maybe that was the problem. It also made her desperate. “You should do it.”
“You think? I could . . .” She drifted off in thought for a moment. “I know what I could do. Some of the girls I work with all live in the same apartment complex in Tulsa. I would have a place of my own. But it wouldn’t be completely alone.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“I could start with having neighbors.” She climbed off the couch, going into the bathroom to blow her nose. As she came back into the living room, the determination was there. “I’m doing this. I’m going to call the apartment office. See what they got open.”
“Good.” I smiled, feeling a little emotional. She was going to be leaving. I knew it was time. We couldn’t both stay here forever. But it didn’t make it hurt less, knowing this was good for my dear friend.
“Are you going to be okay with this?” She gave me a hug, squeezing tight and then tighter.
“Yes. I’ll be fine.”
She backed away. “Yuck. You smell.”
“I smell pretty.”
“Pretty shitty.” She laughed.
“Hmm. Maybe I won’t miss you.”
She slung an arm around my shoulders. “N
ah. You’ll go through withdrawals. I’m like a drug. You don’t know how addicting I am until I’m gone.”
“Maybe you’re right.” I smiled, giving her another hug.
She grabbed her suitcase, pulling it down the hallway, laughing. “I’m your Molly. Don’t deny it.”
I shook my head before going back in the kitchen. Looking out the little window over the sink. This was good. Another thread seemed to be winding into place. Maybe after all this time, Peyton would get her life together. Maybe she would eventually get that happily ever after—after all.
Maybe we both would.
I decided to call it quits on my gardening expedition. I took a shower, scrubbing the sweat from my skin. I heard the bathroom door fly open, and I jumped, almost cutting my knee with the razor.
“Peyton! Get out!” I growled. This part, I would not miss.
She seemed to ignore me. “Guess what?”
“Bitch, you better start talking before I cut you.” I waved the razor above the shower curtain.
“Bitch, you better start planning my going-away party. ’Cause I just got myself an apartment.”
Sticking my head around the side, I saw my roommate doing that crazy happy dance with arms circling around that ended with hip thrusts. I laughed. “Nice. So you got the place without seeing it?”
“Yes. I’ve been in them before. I just gotta sign the paperwork.”
“Congrats.” I smiled. “This is good. And I’m really happy for you. But get the hell out of here until I’m done with my shower.”
She started another round of the happy dance, this time with chanty words. Rolling my eyes, I shut the curtain. Her voice carried over the sound of the spray as I continued to shave my legs. Peyton eventually disappeared, shutting the door behind her with a slam.
By the time I got dressed, she had left the house. I found a scribbly note on the counter about going to sign her lease and would be back later tonight. Maybe this would really work for her this time. And maybe she would have fun decorating the place. That would be good for her. We would need to go shopping since fifty-seven pairs of designer shoes didn’t count as furniture.
My Lucky Days: A Novel Page 30