Beautiful Pain

by J. M. Walker

  “Marketa, do you know your color?” he asked, stepping behind me.

  I had learned about the safeword colors in my own personal research but never actually thought I would use them. “Y-yellow.”

  “Talk to me.”

  “I…I haven’t been in a room like this since…”

  “I’ll go slowly.” Matteo cupped my shoulders. “Everything we do is strictly because you agree to it. If you need to stop, use your safeword. Understand?”

  I nodded, bending over the leather slab that covered a dark mahogany wood. “Yes.”

  “Good girl.” With a gentle hand, he grazed it down my back before landing a hard swat on my rear.

  I yelped, my skin tingling under the touch of his palm.

  “Your skin is still marked from me earlier. My hands can be rough. Do you like them like that, pet? Do you like it when they dig into your skin?” he emphasized his point by kneading his fingers into my flesh. “Or when they grip you like I can’t get enough? Do you?”

  “Yes. Oh yes. I love it. I need your hands on me.”

  Matteo grunted, lowering to his knees behind me. “Your pussy is glistening.”

  I swallowed hard. “That’s because your words turn me on.”

  Matteo wrapped his hand around my ankle, shackling a leather cuff to them. Doing the same with the other, he bound me to the bench. “It makes me hard seeing you restrained and helpless.”

  “Use me, Sir,” I pleaded, licking my lips.

  “Quiet.” He gripped my hair, pulling my head back. “No more talking. The only sounds I want leaving your mouth are screams of pleasure or your safeword. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Now I’ll keep your hands free this time but if you so much as defy me, I will make it so you crawl around behind me and eat out of a dog bowl. Got me?”

  “Y-yes.” As embarrassing as that would be, I knew he wouldn’t do it for enjoyment. It would probably bother him more. The masochist in me was curious to see how far I could push him before he snapped.

  He leaned over me, brushing the hair off my nape. “Would you like that? Me treating you like an animal? Me making all of your decisions for you? Controlling you completely and effortlessly?”

  My breath caught.

  “Tell me.”

  “I would love for you to control me completely,” I said softly.

  “Hmm…interesting.”

  I watched as Matteo walked back to the large cabinet. He struggled with something as he slowly opened the door.

  “Sir?” I held the leather tight in my hands, waiting.

  His head snapped around, his brows narrowing.

  I glanced down, unable to speak.

  “One more outburst and I’ll spank you so hard, you won’t be able to walk for a week.” Not giving me a chance to reply, he grabbed an item off a shelf and sauntered back towards me. “I’m going to pull you out of your mind and let you into mine.”

  I frowned, not quite sure how he would do that. I knew I needed help. The only time I ever felt normal was when I was with Mateo. And even then, it wasn’t enough.

  “I know it’s confusing,” he said gently. “The only thing you need to understand at the moment is how to feel and I’m going to help you with that. Now,” he tapped a leather item with tassels to the end, against his hand. “I’m going to flog that pretty ass of yours until you think of nothing.” He kissed my cheek. “Keep your eyes on me.”

  Before I could comprehend what was happening, a slash of leather sounded in the air, a slight burn spreading over my ass. Inhaling a gasp, I never took my eyes away from Matteo’s.

  He repeated his movements, his gaze darkening after each hit.

  Swat. Swat. Swat.

  A moan escaped me, my body heating at the unexpected pleasure.

  “Let yourself go for me, beautiful girl,” he demanded, his voice rough and gravelly.

  I took a breath after each swat, the hits only getting harder and harder. My mind buzzed, my eyes getting so heavy it was hard to keep them open.

  “That’s it, Marketa. Open your mind to me. Let me in.” Matteo’s words sounded far away, like he was talking to me through a tunnel.

  After each hit of the flogger, I pushed back, embracing the impact of the delicious pain.

  “Let me in,” he repeated between swats.

  As the tassels hit my rear, I became one with the sting. The burn took over everything I felt. Every pain. Every thought. Every nightmare. I breathed out after each impact, the warm leather moving over my ass and the backs of my thighs. By the time Matteo was done, I was no longer inside of myself. I embraced the outer body experience, unsure if I was dreaming or not. I could see Matteo hovering over me, caressing the red marks on my lower body. He loved me. He treated me like I was the only thing that mattered. And for that, I could never repay him. We had a past that neither of us wanted to relive. But we knew that the only way to heal was to remember. Together, we would battle those demons.

  All of these thoughts pounded their way into my mind. Fuzzy and incapable to figure out was real or not, I found myself floating back into my body.

  Matteo whispered to me but I couldn’t hear what he said. I only knew that his words were filled with domination and love. The two mixing together took control until a flush of pleasure burned between my spread thighs. The desire grew to the point I couldn’t take it anymore. My bones rattled. My muscles contracted and moved beneath my taut skin. Sounds erupted around me. Screams. Cries. Noises of pure and divine ecstasy. And that was when I realized the sounds were coming from me.

  I broke. Hard. My being shattered in a way I had never experienced before. Pain mixed with pleasure. Love mixed with power. Sadism mixed with masochism. I loved the man helping me lose control. I loved the man inflicting the pain on my body I had so desperately craved.

  Normal.

  Was it? I still wasn’t sure.

  “Let go,” Matteo purred in my ear.

  My body fell, my mind swallowed by the darkness. I gave in, comforted by the abyss of passion and seduction.

  Matteo

  I never had the urge to spend the night with someone until I met Mae. Watching her sleep soundlessly in my arms, I couldn’t help but breathe in the scent of her skin. Dewy and sticky from the intense orgasm I had given her, I was proud that I finally succeeded in breaking down a wall. Smashing past the barrier she had built so long ago, I reveled in the fact that she had let me in. When she had begged for me to fuck her the first time, I knew I was getting under her skin. But in my whole existence, I never thought I would fall as hard as I did. I dreamt about her constantly. Her beautiful smiling face was all I thought about. Mae replaced the nightmares every time Morgan tried to invade my mind. I wasn’t sure if Mae knew, I didn’t even know until now, but I was positive I had fallen in love with her instantly. Although I had never believed in love at first sight, the moment Mae’s blank stare met mine weeks ago, I knew. I was struck by something inside of her. She latched onto my heart, gripping it with her fingers until I fell to my knees, begging her to be with me. But I never begged. It wasn’t how I was wired.

  Mae shivered beside me, a soft sigh escaping her lips. “Sleep, my love,” she whispered, pulling my arm tighter around her waist.

  I kissed her cheek, brushing my nose into the hair at her nape. I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her.

  Black eyes. Blood red lips. Sharp clawed nails that dug their way into my flesh. Morgan was the only person ever to scare me. Even after all the men she had forced on me, she was the ultimate evil.

  “Matteo,” Mae rolled over onto her back, staring up at me with sleep filled eyes. “You’re not sleeping.”

  “I can’t.” I kissed her softly on the mouth.

  “Do you ever sleep?” she asked, her brows narrowing.

  “I sleep until I see her,” I confessed, brushing a hand through my hair.

  “Look for me instead. When she shows up, I’ll be there, protecting you.
”

  A lump burned in my throat unexpectedly. All I could do was nod. I didn’t want to sleep. I was scared to. But Morgan had a way of taking over my world even when I was awake.

  Turning over onto my side, I took a breath, allowing my eyes to flutter closed.

  “Sleep, Matteo,” Mae said, rubbing my arm soothingly. “I’m here. I’m always here. For as long as you’ll have me.” Her words washed over me, helping me fall further and further into a darkness so thick, I could feel it. “Mae,” I groaned, a slight tingle of unease pounding into my heart.

  “I’m here, Matteo,” Mae said, her voice whispering across my skin like the touch of a feather.

  My eyes opened but I still only saw darkness. I knew I was dreaming. It was the same every single night. Darkness. Unable to breathe. Soul crushing anxiety. I couldn’t…I couldn’t deal. I needed to wake up.

  “Sleep. She can’t hurt you.” Mae, God, her voice. It helped. But it wasn’t enough. I needed out. I needed more. I needed to destroy Morgan before she destroyed me.

  “Little boy,” a woman purred.

  Morgan.

  Every night she invaded my dreams. And every night I fell victim to the fear.

  “Don’t listen to her,” Mae demanded.

  “Matteo, my delicious pet. You will listen to me and listen good. I own you. I’ve always owned you.”

  No. No, she couldn’t. I wouldn’t let her.

  Morgan laughed, a deep sadistic chuckle leaving her full lips.

  No. Stop. Please stop.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. A cold shiver of terror raced down my spine, leaving me open and vulnerable.

  “Matteo,” Mae cried.

  Her demand snapped me from my nightmare. My chest rose and fell with ragged breath. My lungs burned from the lack of air.

  “Matteo,” she said gently.

  “Nightmare,” I panted, trying to shake the feeling of being watched.

  “Look at me,” Mae cupped my cheeks, kissing me over and over again. “I’m here.”

  Taking deep cleansing breaths, I eased my racing heart. I pulled her against me, running my hands over her body in a possessive way. “I love you. So fucking much. I have issues that I am trying to figure out. But please don’t doubt my love for you. Please.”

  “I don’t and I never will,” Mae’s eyes shone, her dark hair messy and framing her face. “I am here for you. And we will battle our demons together.”

  For the rest of the night, we held each other. I had tried so hard to help her when she was the one doing everything she could to help me.

  Mae fell asleep in my arms once again and I followed soon after. And for the first time since I met Morgan years ago, she didn’t come to me in my sleep.

  (Mae)

  I woke a couple hours later to Matteo clicking away on his laptop.

  “Good morning, beautiful girl.” He smiled down at me.

  “Morning.” I sat up, curling against him. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m doing some research,” he answered, clicking some more keys.

  “PTSD?” I asked, my eyes moving over the screen.

  “Yes.”

  “What have you found out?” I was curious to know exactly what he had intended to use his research for.

  “I’ve been researching on how BDSM can help with PTSD. I’ve found articles, blog posts, websites, all dedicated to how bondage and submission can help heal and provide therapy. PTSD can and usually is controlling, you and I both know that.”

  I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “I haven’t seen the men who hurt me and murdered my mom in years. Most of them disappeared under my father’s influence. But I can still feel them. Touching me. Hurting me. Digging their fingers into my skin. Burning the tattoo on my back. I don’t know what happened to them but I’m not stupid. I’m sure my dad had his people take them out. I was oblivious to all of it. To everything that went on. I wasn’t well when those men were finally stopped.” I sat forward, resting my head in my hands. “I don’t want to remember. I’ve seen so many doctors in my life. People think they understand. They look at you with pity. Feeling sorry for you and your shitty life.”

  “When I first met Morgan, she was kind. Like a fucking praying mantis,” he grumbled. “She preyed on the weak. But it was hidden by a soft exterior.”

  “Matteo,” I turned to face him. “You couldn’t have known that she would turn into an evil bitch. You didn’t know any better.”

  “I should have known!” he snapped. “God, Marketa. The things she did. The things I’ve done. Why do you love me? How could you allow yourself to fall in love with a monster?”

  The vulnerability I saw in his eyes broke my heart. He was like a little boy, learning that his puppy died. I couldn’t take it. If I ever met Morgan, if she ever laid a hand on Matteo again, I would end her. I wouldn’t need my father’s men to do it for me. I would handle it all on my own. A possessive need for Matteo consumed me. I had never been Dominant but the urge to protect him in any way I could, took over every single thought.

  “Mae?” Matteo raised an eyebrow.

  “I love you because I was born to. My mama told me when I was a little girl that there would be a man who would take my breath away. He would invade my life. He would be the sustenance that feeds my soul. You,” I grabbed his hands, holding them in my lap. “You are my soul. I know we’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but, Matteo, I love you with every single inch of me. I can feel you every time I move. Not because you used me like only you can but because I can feel your love for me. It caresses my skin. My chest aches with love. You have taught me so much in such a short time and I look forward to learning more from you.”

  At that point, Matteo pulled me into his arms, knocking his laptop off the bed.

  “Mat—”

  He shut me up with a hard kiss, taking control of my body for the next hour.

  I loved him. He loved me. And he showed me the best way he knew how. By taking complete control and by me giving in.

  Mae

  Matteo: I want you to spend the weekend with me.

  Me: I’m supposed to work but I can talk to Cello.

  Matteo: Please.

  I frowned, hesitating before responding.

  Me: Are you okay?

  Matteo. Yes. I miss you.

  Me: I miss you too.

  “Mae? Are you home, girl?” A light knock sounded on my bedroom door before Nika peaked her head into my room.

  “Hi.” I smiled at her.

  Me: Nika is home.

  Matteo: Good. Let me know what Cello says.

  Me: I will, my love.

  Matteo: I love you, beautiful girl.

  Me: I love you. More than the air I breathe.

  Matteo: You better.

  I muffled a laugh, shaking my head before letting out a contented sigh. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” I told my best friend, placing my phone on the nightstand.

  “I know.” Nika slid onto the bed, sitting against the headboard beside me.

  “I only see you at work,” I pointed out. “Is everything okay?”

  Her cheeks flushed, her eyes glancing down at her hands in her lap.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I met someone.”

  My eyes widened. “That’s wonderful!”

  “It is.” She shrugged. “It’s new and fresh. I want to tell you everything and I will but right now I want to keep it to myself.”

  “I understand.” I reached for her hand, slipping my fingers between hers. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “I haven’t been a decent friend,” I confessed.

  “You’re in a new relationship. All of your time is focused on Matteo. It’s to be expected.”

  “No. I mean even before him. You and Cello have done so much for me.”

  “Mae—”

  “Nika, I…” I took a deep breath, pulling the strength from somewhere deep inside of me. “We
’ve known each other for years.”

  “Yes, since high school.” Her brows narrowed. “What happened?”

  “You know why I moved here but you don’t know the whole reason.”

  “Your dad moved you here to keep you safe. Same reason for me and my family. Our hometown was shitty then and it’s probably shittier now.”

  “Yeah,” I scoffed. “I …I want to tell you everything but I don’t…I can’t handle you judging me.”

  “Mae, I love you like a sister,” Nika switched to our Native tongue and I knew I was about to get a lashing for overthinking things. “Whatever happened, you can tell me. I won’t judge you. If you can’t tell me, if you can never tell me, that’s fine.” She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace.

  “I want to tell you,” I said, swallowing past the lump that burned my throat.

  “Then tell me,” Nika said gently.

  Taking deep cleansing breaths, I pulled back. “When I was a young girl, some men who worked for my father, attacked me.” Nausea began to set in but I trudged on, needing to get these thoughts off of my chest. “They would say that I deserved it. I teased them by the way I had dressed. My young ripe body was just begging to be ripped apart by the most vial of men.”

  “Oh dear God,” Nika gasped.

  “It went on for a year before my mom walked in, catching them destroying my body. But…” My heart raced. “They destroyed more.”

  “Your mind,” Nika whispered.

  I nodded, unable to continue.

  “They murdered your mom?” Nika asked, squeezing my hands.

  I nodded again. “She was trying to protect me,” I croaked, letting the tears finally fall.

  “Oh Marketa.” Nika hugged me, holding me close while I sobbed. “I am so sorry. For everything. What you’ve been through…I can never understand but I am here. For you.”

  “I miss her. Every damn day of my life. It doesn’t get easier. Ever.” I hiccupped. “Matteo has been through hell and I don’t know how to help him. I told him I would help him battle his demons but I don’t even know how to battle my own.” The whine in my voice grated on my last nerve. This was why I never showed any emotion. I huffed. Who the hell was I kidding? My emotions were pulled from me and I never had a choice but only to give in.