by J. M. Walker
Matteo
“I love pain. Receiving it. Giving it. It’s like a rolling tide of hot lava searing over your skin. It reminds you that you are in fact alive. Pain is the sustenance for a Sadist. When your skin reddens under my touch. When cries and whimpers leave your mouth. It reminds me that because of me, you are feeling that way while I breathe life back into your body.” I walked back and forth behind Mae who was now strapped to the St. Andrew’s Cross. I had rented a large private room, one that had high ceilings and extra space to use the leather I intended to on Mae. I had told Duncan that I had a submissive who was curious and he gave me everything I had hoped for in fulfilling Mae’s fantasies. She had been a good girl, only calling me what I had asked. I also mentioned to Duncan about Mae’s reaction when we walked into the club. He told me that she was the only one but he would keep an eye out regarding the lavender and eucalyptus scents bothering anyone else.
It had concerned me at first. It was almost like she had gone into a light subspace without me even touching her. Something had set her off and it was the unknown triggering effects that I was determined to work through.
Mae wanted to see me, the true me. I would grant her that wish, breaking her down until all she felt was me and nothing else.
(Mae)
When Matteo had told me to strip and kneel by the St. Andrew’s Cross, I complied rather quickly. Leaving only the gold nipple clamps on, the cool air washed over my naked skin. My knees pushed into the plush pillow like carpet while I waited. For Matteo’s touch. His demands. His commanding words.
“Don’t speak,” his firm tone washed over my skin as he lifted me to my feet. “Hear my words. Feel my touch,” he said all the while shackling me to the wooden cross. “I want to shut off your mind. Allow me to be the only thing you think of for the rest of the night.”
Breathing deep and even, all I could focus on were his words and his touch. His fingers lightly caressed my skin as he clicked the locks into place. I was spread open like a star, completely bound and restrained for the man demanding my submission.
“So beautiful. You are absolutely stunning, my dear Marketa. Perfectly restrained for me. Aren’t you, pet?’
“Yes, Sir.” I licked my dry lips, taking in deep shallow breaths.
“Are you mine?”
“Yes. Oh yes, Sir. I’m yours in every way.” And more. Definitely more.
“And I am yours, pet.”
A snap through the air sounded behind me, setting my nerves on end. My body vibrated, craving the bite of the leather.
“My father taught me how to use a whip. The first one I owned, I got it as a birthday present when I turned twelve. While other children received bicycles or baseball gloves, I learned how to crack a whip without breaking the skin.” Matteo brushed the whip over my back. “When I say, I want you to breathe. It’ll make it hurt less. Understand?”
“Yes, Sir.” I swallowed hard, wanting to ask more about his childhood and why his father raised him to be a Dom. But I knew my questions would have to wait. I needed to shut off the part of myself that held any hint of repressed memories. I needed to give Matteo all of me.
“Breathe,” he demanded.
Suddenly, a hot searing pain scored through my body. I cried out, pulling against the cuffs around my wrists. Tears stung my eyes.
“You didn’t breathe,” he chastised. “I don’t want to hurt you any more than what you ask for.”
“I’m sorry, Sir.”
“Now breathe, pet.”
I inhaled a deep breath this time as the lather whipped across my skin. A hiss escaped me, the tears falling freely down my cheeks but it hurt less.
“Good girl.”
My heart swelled, his appraisal meaning everything to me.
“Breathe. Let me in, Marketa. Allow me to empty your mind of the nightmares and fill it with dreams of me. Breathe.”
Snap. Snap. Snap.
I whimpered, a sheen of sweat coating my skin.
“Let me in, beautiful girl.”
Snap. Snap.
The sound stopped, my breathing becoming deep and even. My mind fuzzy and empty. All I could focus on was the vibrations of Matteo’s voice as it jumped across my skin. My muscles were heavy, like I would fall through the floor if I wasn’t shackled to the wooden cross.
Warm lips caressed my cheek. “Look at me.”
Slowly turning my head, I was met with eyes so dark, they were filled with an intense love that took my breath away.
Matteo kissed my head. “Breathe.”
Snap. Snap.
The pain simmered to a dull roar where I couldn’t feel it anymore. I became numb.
“Breathe.”
That one word was only a whisper as I fell. Into what, I wasn’t sure. My body floated, becoming one with the pain.
Euphoria spread through me, exploding into fireworks of pure and ultimate pleasure. A guttural cry escaped me, turning into an animalistic roar.
I fell. Again. Hard and fast.
An overwhelming urge to cry suddenly hit me. Anger. Sadness. All of these emotions forced their way into my soul. I couldn’t control them. They were so strong, sitting on my chest to the point I couldn’t breathe. My mouth moved but no words came out. I blacked out every so often, only getting snippets of what was going on.
I was pulled free from the cross, being held tight against a warm body. No words. No sounds. The only thing I could hear was the beating of my heart.
“You’re okay, Marketa. Let it out. I got you. I always have you.”
My lips pulled into a smile but I still couldn’t focus. So tired. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to cry. What was wrong with me?
“Let it out, pet.”
My body convulsed, arching against Matteo.
“That’s it,” he whispered, his words soothing. “I’m so proud of you. Thank you. You have brought me so much happiness. You’re such a good girl.”
Tears streamed down my face, hot and wet as my emotions flooded through me.
Heavy arms wrapped tighter around me, comforting me through the intense feelings I didn’t want to experience. “Oh, my beautiful girl. I love you. So much. Sleep. Your Dom is so proud of you.”
His words of praise finally allowed the darkness to take over, controlling me completely.
(Matteo)
When Mae hit subdrop, I never realized how much I loved her until she submitted to me completely.
She laid peacefully in my arms, her tattooed back rising and falling. So beautiful. The pink welts on her skin stretched each time she breathed. They reminded me of the scars on my back. But mine were permanent and forced. I wished I could have happy memories from mine. But the nightmares, the darkness that had seeped into my pores, took over. Mae couldn’t see me. She never saw the monster in my eyes. She wanted to. She asked daily to see the beast within me.
“Let me be the beauty to your beast.”
I couldn’t let her see that part of me. The part I had to force down for fear it would hurt her.
Mae stirred beside me.
I kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear over and over that I loved her until her breath left her on a sigh.
Oh, Marketa. My darling girl. I love you. I want to be everything you need. But my darkness wants to come out and play.
And I didn’t know how to stop it.
A buzzing sounded on the end table beside the bed, pulling me from my thoughts. Reaching for my phone, I frowned when I saw that it was still early in the morning. “Santos.”
“Hi, Matteo.”
“Brett.” I sat up, careful not to disturb Mae. “What’s wrong?” Brett MacLean, a longtime patient and friend of mine never called just to chat.
“Evvie dropped. Hard.” The concern in his voice made my heart speed up but I also noticed the anger hidden behind his words.
“What happened?” Brett was newer to the BDSM lifestyle. He and his wife, Evvie, played but sometimes novices took it too far and forget the rules.
“I
…shit. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“And you let her drop,” I finished for him.
“Yeah,” Brett mumbled. “Fuck.”
“I’ll be there. Give me a few.” I hung up, scrubbing a hand down my face. A part of me felt as if it were my fault, not giving my patient the knowledge to practice safe bondage.
“Everything okay?” Mae asked, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
“Yeah.” I kissed her softly on the forehead. “A patient who is new to BDSM made some mistakes.” I watched Mae roll over onto her back, a slight wince spreading over her beautiful face. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good. Tired.” She stifled a yawn. “But good.”
“What do you remember?”
“I remember being shackled to the cross. The whip as it caressed my skin. And then falling. Like I was in a dream. And I also remember needing to cry.”
“You dropped,” I told her. “Hard.”
“It was needed.” Mae sat up and stretched.
I agreed with her. “You let me in, Mae. Thank you.”
“No.” She kissed my cheek. “Thank you.”
“I need to stop by a patient’s house but I don’t want to leave you here alone,” I said, rising from the bed.
“I can come with you,” she suggested, wrapping the blanket around her slender body. Her eyes were glassy indicating she wasn’t fully out of subspace.
It had only been an hour since our session. I had tried keeping her awake to feed her some chocolate but it didn’t work. The mind was a powerful thing when stimulated but even more so when pain and pleasure were forced to mix as one.
I gave her some more chocolate and water, while we got dressed. I could see the flush leave her cheeks, the dilation in her eyes simmer. She still needed to take it easy and rest but now I wouldn’t worry too much.
“Ready?”
She nodded taking a deep breath and blowing it out slowly.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She shook herself, blowing out another breath.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” She smiled up at me, her face pale.
I knew she was lying but I would leave it alone for now.
We left the room, running into Duncan on the way out of the house.
“Hey.” He nodded once. “Everything good?”
“Yes,” I answered. “Thank you. And the room has been cleaned up.”
“You do know I have people for that right?”
“Yes but my father always taught me to pick up after myself.”
Duncan slapped a hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good man, Santos.”
“Sorry, I’m taken,” I teased.
Mae giggled. “Yeah you are.”
Duncan threw his head back and laughed. “Keep this one.”
I winked at Mae. “I plan on it.”
(Mae)
“Everything okay?” I asked Matteo an hour later when he slid back into the SUV.
“Yes. I gave him shit for not giving his wife a safeword.”
“But she knows him and trusts him,” I pointed out. “Isn’t that enough?” I was curious to find out if that was even possible.
“It can be. But it all depends on how deep that trusts goes. In our case, we had agreed during our one session that we wouldn’t use a safeword. You trusted me enough to take that away. That is different. And that was only for the one time. I would never assume that we wouldn’t use a safeword ever again. It doesn’t work that way.”
“So I would need to tell you that I don’t want to use a safeword ever again?”
“Maybe for some Dom’s but not me. I don’t feel comfortable making decisions for future sessions when they haven’t happened yet.”
“So,” I thought a moment. “I basically would have to tell you each time if I wanted to take away my safeword.”
He nodded. “Exactly. My patient who is also now a friend, is a little controlling and likes to take matters into his own hands.”
“Oh. Is his wife okay?”
“She is. Tired but fine.” Matteo gripped my inner thigh, brushing his thumb back and forth over my sensitive skin.
Since being whipped only a couple of hours ago, my body had become aware of everything. The wind caressing my skin. The fabric of my dress brushing over the tiny hairs on my body. I never felt so alive.
“I told him to take his wife to bed and allow her to sleep.” Matteo scoffed, shaking his head. “He reminds me of me.”
“How so?” I enjoyed this side of Matteo. Hearing him talk about his job, his patients, BDSM…it all fascinated me.
“Control. We have none when it comes to our women. The only difference with me is I need to control you even outside of sex. BDSM is more than that. So much more.”
“I want more,” I told him, leaning my head against the back of the seat.
“I know, pet.” His hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I want more too but…” He thought a moment.
“What?”
“What are you doing today?”
“I’m off. On an unexpected vacation,” I mumbled. Having called into Cello’s for my hours, he demanded for me to take some time off instead.
Matteo raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?”
I laughed. “I’m having a much-needed girl’s night tomorrow evening with Nika and getting together sometimes with the girls from work but other than that, I am all yours.”
“Good. How long?”
“A week or so.”
“Hmm…care to live at my place for that time? I’ll tell Cathy I’ll work from home.”
“I…” My heart hammered against my ribs. “Yes. I would love to.”
A cheesy grin spread on his face. “Are you sure?”
“Of course.” Was I actually ready for it though? It would only be for a week but it could make or break our relationship. I had stayed at his place constantly, knowing I would be going home but this would be for a couple of days. This would be semi-permanent. This would be…more.
“Mae.” Matteo put the vehicle into park. “This will be good for us.”
“Okay.” I left the vehicle, leaning against the door and breathed in the crisp morning air. I enjoyed where Matteo lived. Quiet. Demure. Everyone kept to themselves, only stopping to say a quick good morning or help whenever necessary.
“Marketa, talk to me.” Matteo stepped into my line of sight, staying back a few feet. He was challenging me, waiting for me to make the first move.
“I’m scared,” I confessed, hugging myself. “I’m not used to feeling all of these emotions. I’m tired. Anxious. But so in love with you. I want more but I’m terrified I’ll get hurt. Morgan is always nudging at my brain because I know what she can do to you.” I lifted my hand when Matteo went to speak. “No. Let me finish. You told me that I don’t have to worry about her. I’m not. I’m worried about you. I’m not jealous. I know you love me. But we have come a long way and I’m worried she’ll set us back.”
“Is that it?” he frowned. “Or are you worried that you will set us back? That your issue with your emotions and not letting go of your past will put a wedge between us? Whatever this…” he waved a hand in front of him. “Is?”
“Matteo, I—”
“You pushed for this. You didn’t back down when I told you to leave me alone.”
“I was worried,” I cried. “What would you have done if the roles were reversed?”
“Don’t throw this back at me, Marketa.”
“I was worried!” I repeated, my voice raising.
“Well I was fucking worried I would hurt you,” he shouted.
“I wanted to help you,” I said, taking a step towards him. “I promised I would help you with Morgan.”
“Well you didn’t.”
I flinched, his words stinging like a slap in the face. “You are mine and I refuse to share. I refuse to allow another woman dig her claws into you. If you want pain, I’ll give it to you. I’ll do whatever you want me to. Jus
t please, let me be there.”
“You’re talking like I’ll see her again.” He shivered, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I don’t know if you will but she knows where you live. Where you work. She…” Bile rose to my throat. “She knows you.”
“No, she doesn’t. Not like you do.” Matteo reached out for me but I stepped back. “Mae,” he pressed but he didn’t touch me.
I could physically feel the walls building themselves back up around me. They put a barrier between us and I knew it was because Matteo didn’t let me see all of him. I understood that he was trying to protect me but without seeing that part of him, what he has given me so far would never be enough.
“Marketa.” Matteo grabbed my hand, kissing each of my fingers.
That gentleness, the soft touches that made me fall in love with him even more, brought tears to my eyes. And that only pissed me off. I pulled from his grip, stomping to the door of his apartment building. Crying. I had never allowed myself to cry until Matteo forced his way into my heart. Because of him, the floodgates opened and the emotions poured out.
“Marketa,” he said softly.
“I need you to let me in. If you see Morgan again, I need to be there to take care of you,” I told him, looking at our joined hands.
“Why would you want to see me like that?”
“Because I love you and through that love, we see the best and worst in each other. I need you to know that.”
“Knowing and understanding are two different things,” he mumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“What do you want out of this?” I asked, forcing myself to look into his eyes.
“I want the love that knows no bounds. That consumes you until it’s all you breathe.” He paused. “It scares me.”
“My emotions are all over the place. I know what I feel for you. But there’s a wall.” And I didn’t know what we could do to break it down.
“There’s always been a wall.” He reached a hand out to me. “Please.” His eyes pleaded with me to go to him.
“Do you think we can break down this wall?”
“Together, yes,” he said, still holding out his hand for me.