by Bethany-Kris
Not lost in her head.
In her thoughts …
“What did I do?” she asked softly.
Her voice ached.
He didn’t miss the clenching of her hands again. The way they trembled from her fingertips up her arms. How her gaze got a little wet, and her breaths came faster and faster until it was one right after the other without a pause.
The panic was coming.
The breakdown was there.
“Pull over,” Renzo murmured.
Lucia swallowed hard. “I’m fine—I am.”
“Pull over.”
She did, yanking the car onto the shoulder of the highway way too fast. Even the skidding tires and the car being thrown in park didn’t wake up Diego. Renzo was grateful because for the moment, he had someone else to handle. Lucia threw off her seatbelt, and slid across the middle of the car to climb into his lap.
Renzo barely felt the pain. Every blink hurt, and each breath made his ribs sting like a motherfucker. None of it mattered as Lucia broke down in his lap with his arms wrapped around her. He buried his face in her hair, and let her cry. There was nothing else he could do, really. Nothing he could say that was going to make this better for her.
A person had to handle that alone.
Deal with it their way.
The only thing he could do was hold her together while she did it.
Yeah, he could do that.
So he did.
ELEVEN
“Lucia, wake up.”
In the background of her dreams, a voice was threatening to pull her from the bliss of slumber. She didn’t want to wake up, though. Reality was not nearly as nice as what she found in her dreams. Didn’t they know that?
“Lucia?”
Something small grabbed her shoulder, and shook. It was just enough to drag her away from the dream that was currently filling her vision. She shifted, trying to get away from whatever it was wanting to wake her up only to immediately realize how uncomfortable she felt. Something dug into her sides, and something else felt too firm against her back.
“Wake up, Lucia,” the tiny voice whispered.
Whisper-yelled was more like it.
Her eyes flew wide, and the first thing Lucia saw was little Diego leaning over her with his big, toothy smile. He’d pushed himself between the front seats of the car to get next to her. He shook her shoulder again despite the fact she was awake and looking right at his face.
Damn kid.
She loved him, though.
“Do you know where we are?” Diego asked her.
Lucia blinked, still stuck in a state of half-sleep. It took her entirely too long to realize the car had stopped, Renzo was not inside the vehicle driving, and warm light was shining in through the windshield on her face. She squinted at the sun’s rays, enjoying the way it made her skin hot, and at the same time, trying to figure out just how long she had been asleep.
It had been dark when she closed her eyes.
Right?
Was it morning now, or the afternoon?
“Where’s Renzo?” Lucia asked.
“There.”
Diego nodded his head toward the windshield before slipping between the seats to sit in the driver’s seat. He played with the steering wheel of the car and chattered on like Lucia was listening and talking right back to him, despite the fact she wasn’t doing either of those things. She was still trying to figure out what was going on, after all.
Where were they?
San Francisco, her mind mumbled, still tired with sleep, too. You killed a guy, remember? That’s where you were supposed to go, not back after Renzo. Had you kept going, that never would have happened. But if you didn’t follow Renzo, he wouldn’t be here either.
Lucia squeezed her eyes shut to drown out those vicious thoughts. This was why she wanted to stay sleeping, and not wake up to face reality. At least in her dreams, those thoughts and what she had done didn’t follow her to taunt her there, too. She had to do it—it was Renzo, or Tuck.
Simple as that.
She had to do it.
That didn’t mean she felt good about it, or that the guilt didn’t weigh heavily in her gut like a poison that was slowly starting to spread to the rest of her body. Because it did—she was trying not to let it kill her.
Lucia didn’t think her father had taught her to use a gun, and spent hours getting her aim just right for her to do this with it. Oh, sure, he’d meant for her to learn how to protect herself if she needed to, and the situation came up at some point in her life. But she seriously doubted her father ever considered this would be the first time she needed to use a weapon.
Not that it mattered.
He wasn’t here to know.
“Who’s that, Lucia?” Diego asked.
Despite the fact that Diego had woken her up, Lucia was grateful for his question right then. It brought her out of her thoughts, and away from things she didn’t want to deal with at all. Instead, she had to focus on him.
It was easier.
She followed the direction Diego pointed with his little finger. It was only then that she realized they hadn’t just stopped anywhere, but rather, in someone’s driveway. Her gaze caught the small, cottage-style home first. Some might consider it a bungalow given the single-level design, but Lucia thought with the high eaves and sloped roofs, it felt more cottage-like than anything else. The cedar siding had been painted with a medium blue, and the front had been decorated with a cobblestone pathway and colorful shrubbery. Quaint and tucked away between two much larger homes, she tried to figure out where exactly they were in San Francisco.
She’d come here once on a vacation with her parents, but she had been younger, then. Maybe twelve, if that. And as far as she remembered, they hadn’t done a lot of sightseeing.
Then, she noticed what Diego was trying to point out to her. On the front stoop of the home, Renzo stood talking to another man. Wearing jeans and a band Tee with a faded logo, the guy sported hair that touched his broad shoulders. His strong jaw hardened the longer Renzo spoke, and his gaze didn’t show any warmth, either.
Lucia thought—maybe—the shape of his face and the color of his skin was like Renzo’s in a way. And even the way the two stood with their arms crossed over their chests, and their backs straight was kind of the same. But that could have just been her mind playing tricks on her, too.
“Do you know who it is?” Diego asked again.
Lucia shook her head.
No, she didn’t.
She tried pulling anything from her memories, but nothing came. Renzo had never mentioned who they were going to find in San Francisco, honestly, but she sincerely hoped whoever this man was … that he wasn’t another Tucker.
“I don’t know, buddy,” Lucia mumbled.
“Yeah, me either.”
Diego seemed fine with that, though. Like the kid was learning to go with the motions, regardless of where it brought him to. He went back to playing with the steering wheel, and pretending like he was driving the car. Lucia, on the other hand, shifted in her seat until she was more comfortable, and then rolled down the window a bit to listen to the conversation happening on the stoop between Renzo and the man.
Eavesdropping was a bad habit.
It led to bad things.
Or, that’s what she had been taught.
She still wanted to know.
“Listen, Micheal,” Renzo said, “I wouldn’t come here and ask, if—”
“You shouldn’t be here at all. And your brother—he’s all of what, three?”
Renzo’s jaw tightened. “Four.”
“Should be with his mother, then.”
“Yeah, because she always took care of us, right?”
That time, it was Micheal’s turn to stiffen. The man let out a sigh, and scrubbed a hand down his jaw. He eyed the car with a curious eye, his gaze landing on Lucia first. His stare lingered, like he was trying to figure out who she was just by looking at her, but it didn’t feel uncomfo
rtable. She stared back, unbothered.
“Listen, Ren, I—”
“I just need a safe spot for a couple of days. Maybe a little longer, but we won’t be a bother. Just long enough for me to find something to do—get a job—and a place of our own. I have never asked you for anything.”
“I don’t want that bitch you call a mother around here. All right? She does nothing but cause fucking problems, kid.”
Renzo made a noise under his breath. “What do you think I’m trying to get away from, huh?”
Micheal looked back at Lucia again. “Who’s that, anyway?”
“Someone important to me. She’s not going to cause problems, either.”
The man grunted under his breath. “A few days—that’s it.”
“Thank you.”
Renzo’s tone was calm, but even Lucia could hear the relief in his tone.
Then, Micheal looked back to Renzo and asked, “You’re not in any trouble, right? Last time we talked, I was pretty clear to you, right? Stay out of trouble, do the right thing and all that shit. Don’t be like your parents, Ren. You’re still doing the right thing, aren’t you?”
Clearing his throat, Renzo shifted on his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he glanced Lucia’s way. “Yeah, I’m staying out of trouble. Of course.”
What was another white lie added onto the mountain of a mess they’d already made together?
• • •
“What’s up there?” Diego asked, pointing at a stairwell leading up into a dark enclave.
Micheal chuckled. “That takes you up to the roof. You can eat up there, get a view of the bay, or whatever.”
Diego’s eyes widened. “Can I go up there now?”
“How about we grab something to eat first,” Renzo suggested.
“But I wanna go up there, Ren!”
Lucia bumped Renzo’s shoulder with her own. “It’s fine, I’ll take him up.”
He could continue his talk with Micheal, then, without their interruption. Diego could only take so much of sitting in the car before he was ready to get out and explore. Stretch his little legs after having been tucked in a backseat for another long drive. Not that Lucia blamed the kid, really.
She was sick and tired of driving, too.
“I, uh, had some stuff ready to put on the grill,” Micheal said, scratching the back of his neck. “I could throw a bit more on, and we can eat. I’m guessing you’re all pretty hungry.”
Lucia gave Renzo a look, not missing the awkwardness of this entire conversation. She still didn’t know who Micheal was to Renzo, or why this was where they came when the man was clearly uncomfortable with them being there. Guessing by his house, the lack of pictures of family or kids, she figured he wasn’t used to having young people around. There was no ring on his finger to say he was married—if he ever was—and just as a safe guess, she didn’t think he had kids, either.
He was being kind to offer them a place to stay, but that didn’t mean he wanted them there. Lucia could tell that right from the start. She was grateful he was willing to help—without even details to know why they were there—so she didn’t want to make this any worse on Micheal than it already was.
Renzo didn’t miss Lucia’s look. “Yeah, sure, that sounds great, Micheal.”
“You can help, kid,” Micheal said, slapping Renzo on the back. “Learn some skills, I guess.”
Lucia had to press her lips together to keep from smiling at the way Renzo scowled at being called kid. He was quick to fix his face when Micheal looked his way, expectantly.
“Yeah, sure,” Renzo replied, “I don’t mind helping.”
Lucia gave Renzo a wink over her shoulder before she climbed the stairs with Diego. The small, dark enclave at the stop of the stairs led to a tiny door that the adults had to duck through to exit onto the roof. The seating area on the deck was only big enough to hold a small circular table, two chairs, and not much else.
But Micheal was right.
They had a whole view from the back of the roof overlooking San Francisco’s bay. With the morning light just beginning to melt into the afternoon, it was quite a sight. The sky, a bright blue with very little clouds overhead, warmed her skin as she pressed her hands against the railings and breathed in salt and air.
All the while, Diego pointed out everything he could see. She was more than happy to listen to him chatter on because for the moment, everything felt okay. Like they didn’t have to pack up and go all of the sudden. They were just fine.
Lucia wasn’t sure how long she stayed up there on the roof with Diego. Long enough to indulge the boy’s every question and his constant curiosity, anyway. Before she realized it, Renzo was slipping through the doors, and taking a seat beside her at the table. For a long while, he said nothing as he stared out over the bay like she had done when she first come out, too.
“Who is Micheal?” she asked, breaking the silence first.
Renzo sucked in a deep breath, and glanced her way. “My mother’s brother. My uncle.”
Oh.
That explained a lot.
Lucia didn’t know what she wanted to say, so instead, she simply stayed quiet. Renzo didn’t mind, as he seemed like he was the one who wanted to talk, anyway. That was just fine with Lucia. Better for him to get out whatever was on his mind. She figured since she had slept through most of the drive here, he probably had quite a bit going on in his head that he needed to get out.
“I haven’t seen him in a few years—he moved here when I was young. Came back to New York to visit once, before Diego was ever born … Carmen was bad off, then. He never could stand her, and I think he felt bad for me and Rose, but he didn’t know what to do. He stayed far away from Carmen’s mess. She only causes problems.”
Yeah, they’d learned that, hadn’t they?
“He’s not married, is he?”
“Nope. Never had any kids. He’s a musician. Works here in the music district at a bar playing shows five nights week.” Renzo shifted on the chair, and reached out to cup Lucia’s cheek. She gave him a smile when his thumb stroked her cheekbone in that way she loved. Like he just wanted to feel her—he needed it. “And after his show is done, he tends the bar, cleans up, and whatever else. He’s kind of made himself comfortable here, and he’s never looked back.”
“I guess us showing up probably put him off balance, then.”
Renzo shrugged. “I didn’t know where else to go, Lucia. He’s the only family I have.”
Something painful cut into her heart. Like a fist coming to clench tight, and squeeze the organ right in half.
He had no family, really. No one to fall back on. No one who would catch him when he stumbled, and needed help to get back up again. And she … well, she had a whole family who had always done exactly that for her. How had she repaid them for that love and support all these years?
By leaving.
Yet, as quickly as those thoughts came, they were replaced by a glaring truth. She was Renzo’s family, too. She was all he had … her, Diego, and Rose.
She couldn’t leave him, either.
She didn’t want to.
They’d have to pull her away screaming and fighting the whole way.
It was as simple as that.
His thumb stroked her cheek again, and while his brother tried to climb up on his lap, Renzo leaned in closer to Lucia. He pulled Diego onto his knee with one hand, and kissed Lucia all the while.
“We’ll figure it out,” Renzo murmured against her lips.
He couldn’t read her mind.
Sometimes, it felt like he could.
• • •
The bungalow wasn’t very big. Three bedrooms, one of which was an office-slash-music space, a single bathroom, kitchen, living room, and not much else. The backyard wasn’t very big, but the tall fence gave the place a sense of privacy. And yet, the home was comfortable, and it felt welcoming.
That was what Lucia liked about it the most.
Renzo entered
the bedroom as Lucia slipped one of his T-shirts over her body to wear to bed. A shirt from him and a pair of panties was more than good enough for her. “He’s out for the night.”
Good.
“Didn’t fight you, then?”
Renzo chuckled. “He was just happy he was going to be able to sleep with all the instruments. Which means we’ll probably get woken up tomorrow morning to a lot of noise.”
Lucia only smiled.
Diego could have slept in Micheal’s bedroom. The man offered it to Renzo since he worked nights, and didn’t get home until around eight in the morning. Diego didn’t want that, though. Not after he figured out the couch in the music room was a futon and with a pillow and blanket, it would make the perfect bed for him.
“Is your uncle gone, too?” she asked.
“Yeah, but not before asking a million and one more questions.”
Renzo tugged off his shirt, and tossed it to the top of an empty dresser. It wasn’t lost on her how despite being allowed to stay here for a while—just a few days, that was the deal—Renzo wasn’t willing to unpack their bags or even pull much out of them other than whatever they might need to wear for the next day. Even though she felt like they were okay for the moment, like they weren’t going to have to get up and go all of the sudden, he clearly didn’t feel the same.
That kind of broke her heart.
“Questions like what?” she asked, moving closer to him.
Renzo sighed, scrubbing a hand down his jaw. As he undid his pants, pushed them down his legs, and kicked them away, he said, “About my mom, and why we left. I don’t want to lie, you know.”
But he also didn’t have a choice.
Lucia knew that better than anyone.
What she hated most of all, though, was that look in Renzo’s eye. All distraught, and fucking tired at the same time. Like life just wasn’t giving him a break, and he needed one desperately. She understood that, too. They hadn’t stopped moving in far too long. Always looking over their shoulder in wait for the next thing that might send them running.
But they were okay right now.
It was good right now.
They had this second right now.