"Are you truly okay Suzanne? Really? I told you quite of a lot of information, and you're probably suffering from emotional overload, but I just felt it was important for you to know that you COULD have the love you want from, and with Z.”
“I’m okay Mack. You did good, and I won’t tell Z anything you told me.”
“I wouldn’t care if you did. You’re both my friends and I needed to help you two find each other again. Plus, there was no Doctor/Patient Confidentiality agreement in place with Z, whether he believes there was or not. So he can't sue me or kick my ass for spilling to you."
Crying again, I whisper, "Thank you, Mack. You are everything to me, and your kindness has given me my life."
"Suzanne. This journey with you has been the absolute greatest joy of my life, thus far."
"Mack, please... You're killing me here. Don't say another wonderful thing. Please don’t tell me you love me and don’t tell me I’m special. Please don’t Mack me anymore…I'm supposed to meet Z at his home for dinner at 6:00, and I'll still be crying when I arrive in 2 hours, if you don't stop all this amazing, beautiful, crap. Okay?"
"Okay. I won’t ‘Mack’ you…” he says with a silly grin, and with his damn finger air-quotes. “But one last thing; Please take everything slowly, for both yourself and for Z. He has had months of wanting and you have had a lifetime of wanting, so just go slowly. I don't want you both to be overwhelmed with your happiness. It's hard, but breathe your way through it and talk to him... always. Tell him everything you can, at all times. Z wants this to be right, and he’s going to have to be told when you're overwhelmed so that he doesn't feel like he's screwing anything up with you, or that he's asking you for too much, or pushing you too hard. Believe me, he can handle anything you ask of him, or anything you tell him you need. Okay?"
"I will. I'm going to try to be with Z but I'll definitely talk my way through it with him as we go."
"Then you two will probably make it through to the other side together."
"I want that Mack, I really do. And I'm going to do whatever’s necessary to have the life I want with Z."
"Good enough."
"Thank you Mack. Thank you again for everything, ALL the time.”
Rising, and making his way to the front door, Mack turns to me once more, and opens his arms for another Mack hug. Sliding right into place, I squeeze him as tightly as I can, exhaling all the tension, while breathing in Mack's sense of calm. I'm going to be okay. I just know it.
"So, I'll get going. I'm sure you have all your girly getting ready to do, but know that I'll be with cell phone at the ready should you need to talk, or if you just need a pep-talk tonight. Anything at all, just call me. Kayla and I are going to have a quiet night in so feel free to call, or come back anytime this evening. Oh, and 'Chicago Kayla' is visiting this weekend, so your Kaylas are planning a kind of drunken, trash everyone and everything party for the three of you, minus the face punching I hope. I, will clearly be hiding out in my apartment that night though, just in case I've pissed off 'New York Kayla' without my knowledge."
"I'm sure you have at some point, though your Kayla isn't really one to hold her tongue, so I'm assuming you already know if you have," I say grinning.
"So, as I said, I'll be hiding out in my locked apartment that night." Mack says smirking as he turns and leaves the apartment.
"Oh! Mack? If I leave a letter for Marcus, will you please make sure he gets it? I need to say a proper goodbye to him. I kind of left things uneasy and I want some closure for him."
"No problem. I'm supposed to talk to him on Wednesday. Maybe it's best if I fax it to him then, so he and I can discuss anything he needs to discuss on Wednesday. Good enough?"
"Yes, thank you. I hate feeling like I've hurt him with all this."
"Suzanne. I don't like anyone being hurt either, but it's time you lived life for you now."
"Thanks Mack. You're the most amazing, good-looking, dorky doctorly man I've ever known."
"I know. Make sure you tell my Kayla that as often as possible for me though."
"I will. Good night Mack. Wish me luck."
"Good luck, Suzanne. But I think life is going to be much easier for you, from today forward." And with one final hug, and a kiss on my cheek, Mack pulls away smiling.
Closing the door behind him, I can’t help a slight panic. Oh god, I hope Mack’s right. I hope life is easier from today forward. I almost believe it will be. For the first time in my life, I feel like I might be happy or at least on my way to being truly happy. It’s quite frightening actually because I’ve never had it before, and I never thought I was the type to live with… happiness. Maybe I am meant for a happily ever after. We’ll see.
CHAPTER 41
Marcus,
I want you to know that I’m very sorry for the way things have turned out. You have been a good husband to me; even if I didn't know that until recently. I'm sorry marrying me was such a struggle for you. I know you never wanted to suffer as you have, and for that I'm truly sorry.
You can keep the house. You picked it, bought it, and loved it. I actually want no part of it. I'll just pick up my clothing and shoes only, because there's really nothing in that house of any sentimental value to me.
I really don't know what to say to you anymore. I think I've said it all. You were never the problem, as you always told me, and though I was the problem, it was unintentional on my part. You married a damaged woman, and I know I damaged you along the way, so for that, I'm sorry as well.
You told me to never come back, and I won't. There is a different life waiting for me, I just have to figure out what that life is. And I know there is a wonderful life waiting for you. I know it's just beginning for us, separately, and I look forward to hearing about your future. I honestly would like nothing but happiness and ease in your future. Maybe one day you will find the peace you desire. I sincerely hope so.
Marcus, you are handsome, smart, successful, and kind. You are everything I should desire, and everything nearly every other woman desires... I'm just sorry there’s too much bad history for us. I'm sorry that I can't be the wife you want, and I'm sorry I can't love you for the man you are.
If my life had been different, I believe I would have been the kind of woman who could have loved you, as you always loved me. But my life wasn’t different, and this is who I ended up being. So go find that woman you deserve. Go find some peace…finally.
I think that's it. Please keep in touch. I want to know how you have fared with all this. I'm sure we'll see each other during the trials next month, but I would like to see you away from the stresses of the trials as well. I want to know that you’re okay, when all the dust settles.
I truly, and with much love, wish you well.
Suzanne
Re-reading my letter to Marcus, I'm happy with the final draft. There’s nothing more to say. There’s nothing more I can say. It's done. I have to move on. He has to move on. I trust Mack to help Marcus understand that he is a good man, and that he will be a wonderful husband, to someone else.
And I hope Marcus eventually understands that he was never the problem as he said all along. He was right-It was always me. I was the problem and now I am fixing the problem. But sadly, fixing the problem doesn't involve Marcus any longer.
I really wish him well, and in a friendly, platonic sort of way, I really do love him. I just can't love him the way he has always wanted and hoped I would. I've never been able to love him the way he wanted and hoped I would.
I finally exhale and give closure to the tragic Marcus/Suzanne fantasy that was my life and our marriage.
“I'm sorry Marcus, but it's finally over."
CHAPTER 42
It's time to go. It's time to go get Z. I know it won't be perfect, and I know it won't be a fairy tale romance, but I think Z and I have a good start, and that's all he has asked of me. He wants a 'start' and I'm more than willing to give him that. Actually, with Z, I want more than a start but I'll begin w
ith that.
The car ride seems long, though I know Kayla and Z live only a few blocks apart. My nerves are high, and I'm glad I haven't eaten this afternoon. Throwing up earlier has evacuated my stomach, so it looks good for me. No vomitus interruptus for Z and I. Oh! Ha! I can still say stupid phrases. At least that tragic part of my personality has remained intact. I'll have to share that one with Mack later. He always enjoys my nonsensical words and stupid phrases.
Arriving at Z's apartment I'm nervous, but remarkably steady on my feet. I'm wearing my favorite, fabulous, Vera Wang, black, 4 1/2 inch stacked heels, and I feel safe, secure, sexy, and tall in them.
My black knee high pencil skirt is paired with a stunning black blouse with red piping along the bodice and cuffs. I'm proud to be making baby steps with the color red- just little splashes or embellishments here and there. Nothing too intense, but a little red to keep me moving past the nightmare of my past.
Once I’m in the elevator my hands begin shaking, but again, I feel nervous excitement, not the once familiar nervous dread, as I used to always feel. Another baby step for me. I feel like I'm on my way. Just one more baby step tonight... Z.
Knocking on his door, I breathe nice and slow, deep and easy. I actually feel NO panic still, just excitement and anticipation. Argh. Hurry up! Open the door Z before the excitement does turn into panic. As if hearing me, the door slowly opens and my breath seems to whoosh from my lungs.
God! He is so beautiful. All dark, and tall, and so handsome, I want to just grab him and hold on. He is dressed in blacks again, with a dark grey dress shirt under his suit. He looks model handsome. His hair is perfect, and his smile is radiant.
"Suzanne."
"Hi, Z. Um, I'm here." Duh. Okay so I didn't get any smarter since we last met. Baby steps!
Z seems to be watching my reaction to him. He seems nervous himself. What do I do? Shit. Um...
"Please come in. Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes. Would you like a drink while we wait?"
Entering his apartment, I mumble, "yes, please."
Walking into the huge living room, I'm struck with such a déjà vu, of actual memory, that I'm momentarily motionless and silent. I haven't been here since the suicide attempt and I'm not sure how comfortable Z is with me even here. Is he thinking about it as well?
"Suzanne. Would you like to leave? I completely understand if you do. We could have dinner elsewhere or another night if you'd be more comfortable. I realize I sprung this on you this afternoon."
"No! I'm good. It's fine. I want to be here. Honestly!" Calm down. Catch your breath, Psycho.
"Okay. Well, please have a seat. What can I get you to drink?"
"Um, Zinfandel?"
"Of course," he grins.
As he walks back to the little bar, I find a comfortable seat beside his large couch. I'm not ready to sit beside him yet, and I need to get my bearings for a minute. While waiting for Z, I notice the room is different. The colors are similar, but different than before.
"You've redecorated."
"Yes. I changed the entire apartment. I didn't feel comfortable here any longer, therefore I needed to either change it or move, so I opted to change the décor, for now."
"Because of what I did here?" SHIT! Did I just ask that?
"Yes, partially. I never did like the decor though, and the colors were a carry-over from the previous owners, so I wanted to change the apartment anyway."
"The previous owners? You mean your parents?" Jesus Christ! Shut UP!
"Yes, them. I've opted to have very little to do with them, and their history, so a change was definitely needed."
"I'm sorry. I seem to have lost the ability to think before I speak over the last 6 months or so. Please forgive me."
"No forgiveness needed. I truly hope you've lost any and all filters. I always wanted to know what you were thinking, good or bad, so hopefully your inability to think before you speak will make that easier for me.” And there’s his perfect smile-voice.
"I've missed that Z- your smile-voice. I always loved hearing it. I know I've told you that before, but I just thought you should know; that even then, it was pretty special to me when I heard your smile-voice."
"And I'm sure you remember me telling you that I like that very much. I like that my 'smile-voice' pleases you."
Handing me a glass of Z's finest Zinfandel I'm sure, there seems to be a giant pause in the room. I don't know what to say, and I don't think Z knows what he CAN say. It's very awkward suddenly.
"Um, Z? You can just talk to me. I'm much better now, and being with The Two Kaylas frequently has definitely kicked my ass back into the land of the living. I rarely freak out now, and I won't break easily. You can, like, say stuff to me, if you want to. Um, when I can't handle something, or when something is starting to bother me, now I actually just say so... I rarely have panic-attacks now, and I rarely go off the deep end… I just thought you should know that you don't have to be careful or anything. I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable, and I'll tell you what I think or what I feel about stuff. Oh, and apparently I ramble now too." Giggle. Shit, I'm such a dork now.... "And apparently I'm a dork now too. It must be all the time I spend with Mack. His dorkiness has kind of worn off on me some." And there’s another giggle.
"Suzanne, I'm very happy to hear all that, without of course the dorky Mack inclusion. One dorky friend is about as much as I can take, though if he has helped you I'll take any and all of his dorky idiosyncrasies any day. I'm very happy that you’re doing so well. I had hoped you would. I wanted you healthy and strong, and you sound like you're making your way."
"Oh, I am. I'm barely crazy now. Mack says I'm now like a low 3 on the 1-to-10 Crazy Scale. So that’s a definite improvement from the 10 out of 10, I was rockin’ a few months ago."
"I see. And where does Mack fit on the ‘1-to-10 Crazy Scale’?"
"Oh. Mack's a solid 2. He's just crazy enough to get me, but not crazy enough to get kicked out of 'shrinking'. It's a fine line the poor man has to walk... You know, crazy enough that he understands what the hell us previously crazy folk are saying, but sane enough to know how to medically treat us. It's a talent, really. Actually, he should be held to a much higher regard than the New York Psychiatric Association actually carries him by."
"Well, I'll definitely speak to the board then, based on your references."
"Thank you, please do. And also, um, thank you Z for giving me Mack. He was exactly what I needed, when I needed him."
"No thanks required."
"Actually, Z, all my thanks are required and deserved."
"Suzanne, that's..."
"Please let me finish this..." I plead.
"Okay."
"Z, I know everything you did. I know all of it now. And before you curse Mack, know that he only told me today when I begged him for help and clarity. Mack never betrayed a confidence as far as I know until today. Today, he finally told me everything you did, ONLY because it was the right thing to do. He knew it was time for me to know what I was running from. He knew I needed to understand you, and all that you had done and continue to do for me, and even for others, it seems...
“…I know everything now. And though this isn't the time to discuss all the ins and outs of what you've been doing for me, I do think it is the time for me to give you my sincerest, most heartfelt thank you. And I mean it Z, thank you for everything. I'm sure I could say much more, and I probably will say a lot more later, but I just wanted to say a simple thank you before we have dinner. Okay?"
"Okay. But we can talk about all this later if you’d like, or not at all. Either way, I'm fine. I just wanted you better and if I helped with that at all, then I'm thrilled and no thank you’s are necessary."
"You did help. It was because of you that I became well."
"Oh, Suzanne… then I'm very happy. I want you well, and fed... Shall we eat?" He's grinning again? God, he's just so handsome.
"Please. I'm starving. I didn't eat all day, so I wouldn'
t throw up when I saw you... OH! Because of nerves! NOT because you make me vomit!" Oh Christ! I am such a moron, honestly.
"Thank you for the clarification. Not many men can handle knowing they make a beautiful woman vomit, me included. So let's go eat, before you do decide to throw up."
"Okay. Thank you."
Walking beside Z feels comfortable, and yet, there’s a tension between us. I feel like I should do something or say something. Or just like stop the tension somehow.
Turning toward Z, I simply wrap my arms around his waist again. Breathing in his heavenly scent, I just exhale the tension. Noticing Z so still against me, I whisper, "You can hug me back, Z. I'm okay."
"Oh, god... Suzanne..." He breathes as he wraps his arms tightly around me.
Holding me, neither of us move. I just can't. I don't want to break this spell. Z is perfect against me. He feels perfect against me. I have never felt such comfort and peace in my life. Mack gives me comfort, but in a wholly innocent, reserved way. Z gives me comfort that is wholly complete. It's like I can feel his life wrapped around me.
"Suzanne... Can we please eat dinner now before I make a very unmanly ass of myself all over your shoulder...?" What? Pause. Giggle.
"No problem, Z. Though I do find it hard to imagine you ever ‘unmanly’."
"Believe me, I've had my moments."
"Okay. Well, let me go, and we'll talk about those unmanly moments after dinner if you want."
"Good. I hope you’re hungry?" He asks while finally releasing me.
Grabbing his hand, which seems to startle Z for an instant, I make my way to his dining room.
==========
Holy SHIT! What did he do?
"What is...? Um...?"
"I didn't know what you wanted to eat so I had a chef friend of mine prepare everything I could think of. We have all the necessary staples, so I figured there had to be something you would want to eat."
I Am Her... Page 48