I Am Her...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  As Z crawls toward me, I lie back on his bed. Leaning over me, Z settles into the space my thighs provide, takes my face into his hands, and kisses me with such sweetness, I once again cry from the immense love I feel.

  Pulling from my lips, Z slips his hands behind my back, unhooks my bra, and slowly pulls it down my body. Watching me closely, as he always seems to do, I smile to reassure him. I'm here and I'm good. I’m very good.

  "Touch me Z. Take me into your mouth again. I love you touching me."

  Bending his head, Z takes my breast and slowly nibbles, and licks, and suckles me. Writhing against his body, I pull his head closer to me. Turning slightly, Z moves with me to our sides. I love this. This position is new for me. This is the new Suzanne. This is our new love. Turning me onto my stomach, Z begins kissing my neck and shoulders.

  Moving down my body, I feel his hands under my panties, touching and caressing, while slowly removing them. Kissing down my body Z breathes, "Turn over for me Suzanne."

  Once I turn over, Z moves further down my body as I shake with anticipation. God, I want his mouth on me. I want to feel his mouth again.

  "Please... Z," I beg.

  Moving between my thighs again, Z takes me into his mouth. Oh GOD! This is so amazing. My whole body lights up. Every nerve ending is stimulated. Writhing against his mouth, I moan loudly. When I feel the slow impale of his fingers, I’m done. Gasping, I grab his head and force him deeper into me.

  This is incredible, even better than I remember. As his tongue and fingers work me, I find I mimic his movements with my hips. My thighs are wide and my feet seem to push me into his mouth as deeply as I can. I couldn't stop this if I tried.

  Suddenly, I'm struck with the thought that there is no shame or embarrassment. And there is no pain. There is only this; Z and I loving together. The passion and the pleasure are so great, I'm overwhelmed by sensation.

  "Z... I'm almost, I, oh GOD!"

  What did he do? I don't care! Oh. My. God. My whole body burns with the need to release.

  "Z? Oh god. I'm going to cum!" I can't believe I said that word OUT LOUD, and I don't care!

  "Be with me, Suzanne. Right now, love."

  Screaming, my whole body tenses and then... I release. My whole body burns with release. My tears flow and my gasps continue. I am with Z, and he is giving to me again.

  "OH GOD! I'm free, Z. I'm free. There's nothing else but you and I. I can't feel anything or anyone but you..." Sobbing, I reach for him to pull him to my mouth.

  Kissing him hard, I'm desperate to feel him inside me. I want him to have my pleasure. I want him to have all the love I can give him. I actually want to be his pleasure.

  "Z come into me. Make love with me. I want you and I want this. I never thought I could have you again, I never thought you would want me again. Z, please be inside me."

  "I have to grab a condom."

  "No! I'm okay. It’s fine. Come into me; be with me just like this, right now."

  "Suzanne... I love you so much."

  "Please don’t talk, just be with me."

  Kissing my lips once more, pressing his weight against my body, Z moves slowly into place. Gently against my body, Z pauses at my crest, and wraps his arms under my shoulders, holding me closer to him. I can barely breathe, but I feel so free, so safe. There is no panic. There is no pain.

  "Suzanne, when was the last time? Ah, you’re so tight. I don't want to hurt you.”

  "It was you, Z. My last time was with you. For months and months you were my last memory, my only good memory. I have never had sex with anyone since you. I’ve never made love with anyone but you, my whole life," I whisper.

  "Oh, Suzanne..." Z moans.

  Moving once more, Z finally begins his slow rocking into me. There is a tugging feeling, but no pain. He isn't hurting me at all. I'm actually enjoying the tugging and the pull. Finally, he is seated deep inside me. Finally, we both exhale.

  "Suzanne? Will you stay with me? I want to marry you, and have a life with you. I need to have a life with you. Will you please stay with me?"

  "Yes..."

  Kissing my lips again, I feel Z's smile against my mouth. I feel his pleasure in his movements. I feel his love all around me, inside me, and outside our little haven. I have Z, completely.

  For hours we seem to move in a steady rhythm of enter, retreat, lift, and move. We move sideways, and back and forth. We move together. I even seem to know what he likes, and he knows exactly what I like.

  When I'm exhausted and building toward another climax, Z finally increases our movements. The speed is never overwhelming to me, but it’s absolutely desired by me. I need him slightly harder and definitely faster. I need more. I want this to be complete between is.

  "Z, I need more. Please finish this. Please touch me and take me over with you. I want to climax with you. Please."

  "Suzanne, I'm dying to finish inside you. You’re my first, ever.”

  Speeding up the movements, Z touches me that one amazing touch, and my whole body tightens. Oh my GOD! It's time. Panting, I feel the rising pressure. I'm suffering the tightening of everything inside me. I'm ready, but I just need... And then he does that other touch-thing to me...

  "OH. MY GOD! Z!" I'm screaming, and actually kind of grunting. Jesus Christ! Grunting?

  "Shit! Suzanne… " And grabbing me up into his arms, kissing my lips hard, I feel Z erupt inside me.

  Turning us, I land again on Z's chest, with him still inside me. Once again, I am weightless, and boneless. I can’t think clearly. I can barely breathe.

  "That was AWESOME!" I giggle at my own stupidity.

  "It really was, Suzanne. You’re amazing and I love you. I really do, you know? It's always going to be you Suzanne. Forever. Please don't ever push me away again, I won't survive it. Tell me when you need space. Tell me when you need a break. Tell me anything and everything, but please Suzanne, I'm begging you, don't ever push me away again. We can move slow. I’ll talk to Mack. I’ll do anything and everything to make this work, but please don’t push me out of your life again?"

  "Okay." And that's it. That's all I can say.

  Tucking me into his chest, Z wraps us in his duvet, and I feel myself being pulled into sleep. I want to fight it but I'm just so tired, and like, free. I'm safe, and weightless in Z's arms.

  "Sleep Suzanne. When you wake up, I'll feed you, and we can talk about all the details later. Okay?"

  "Okay. Good Night, Z."

  "Good Night, Suzanne." And there it is. I hear his smile-voice.

  ==========

  When I wake up, it's nearly midnight. Z is still holding me, while playing with a strand of my hair.

  "Hi."

  "Hi, back," I croak. Jeez, it must've been that back-arching scream of mine.

  "Let's go to the kitchen and scrounge up some food."

  "Yes, please. I'm starving."

  Handing me his robe, I quickly cover up and tie the sash tight. Old habits die hard. I'm much better, but as if I'm going to walk around naked. Z's robe is huge on me but I'm covered, and it carries his scent, which I love, so I don't really care what I look like.

  In the kitchen, Z makes us grilled cheese sandwiches. We didn't put away any of the food before we, ah, went to the bedroom, so nothing is really edible. Smiling, this is the absolute best grilled cheese I've ever had in my life.

  "You're smiling."

  "I am. This is the tastiest grilled cheese I've ever eaten."

  "Oh, that's the only reason you're smiling?"

  "Ah huh. Why? Should there be some other reason?"

  "Are you teasing me, Suzanne?"

  "Yup. I like teasing you, and Mack has given me lots of ammunition, so prepare yourself. This new and improved Suzanne is much more relaxed, and much cheekier. Do you think you can handle that?"

  "Bring it on, love. I'm sure I could teach you a thing or two..."

  "Um, you already have, Z. Some of your bedroom tricks could actually cause my filthy authors to
blush, I think."

  "Are you grinning at me Suzanne?"

  "Ah huh."

  "Can you say much more than 'Ah huh'?"

  "Yes... But I'm just remembering a particularly interesting bedroom trick from earlier, so you'll have to excuse my distraction."

  "I see. Well then, I'll ask one simple question, so you can get back to your memories. Would you like to live here with me or would you like to move into another apartment? Or, if you want, we can move to Chicago, but I thought you might be more comfortable away from Chicago. But the choice is yours. I'll go wherever you want. Or we can live separately until you’re ready for more. I can be as slow as you need, or we can start today. I’m ready for today, but I can give you time and space, if you need it."

  "Yes, I'd like to live here with you, if that's okay. But I need a few days. Maybe I’ll just stay at Kayla’s for a few days, just so I don’t become too overwhelmed. Is that okay?"

  "It’s more than okay. Stay with me when you’re ready. I can wait. Once we live together, we can move whenever, or if ever you change your mind and need to move from here. I really don't care. I need you to understand that. This is just an apartment to me now. I have no emotional attachment to it, other than its attachment to you."

  "Okay." And finishing my grilled cheese, I try to think of what my first step should be. What my first baby step should be.

  "Suzanne?"

  "Yes?"

  "Do you love me?"

  "Desperately."

  "Do you think you will desperately love me for a long, long time?"

  "Absolutely. And you? Can you love me for a long, long time, Z?"

  "Absolutely."

  "What do we do now?"

  "We go back to bed. And in the morning, we have coffee, and breakfast, maybe make love again, and then we talk about some of the bigger issues."

  "Like?"

  "Marcus."

  "That's no longer an issue. I've said my goodbye. I said it in Chicago, before I fled for Kayla’s, and then I wrote a letter earlier which Mack will give to him. Marcus and I are over, and we would have been over whether you and I had gotten together or not.”

  "'Gotten together'? I think the proper term is called engaged, but ‘are together’ works just as well, I suppose."

  "Did you propose to me, Z?"

  "Don't you remember my proposal, Suzanne?"

  "Vaguely. I was quite distracted at the time with the other things you were doing to my body. I could barely focus on listening to you speak."

  "I see. Well then, I guess I'll have to propose again when you're not quite so distracted."

  "Okay."

  "Good."

  “Z? If I did agree to some future hypothetical proposal, do I have to become Mrs. Zinfandel?” I smile.

  “That’s your choice. I wouldn’t subject my name on anyone. Whatever you want Suzanne- you choose your name.”

  “Okay, Mr. Zinfandel…”

  ==========

  In the morning, after a wonderful breakfast, and a tedious clean up of all last night’s dishes, Z and I remain remarkably relaxed with each other. We’re happy and very much like a new ‘couple’, with a definite excitement in the air. I catch myself grinning and smiling all the time. I actually look like a bit of a dork, another Mack trade off, I think. Actually, I really should call Mack.

  "I'm just going to go give Mack a call. Is that alright?"

  "Suzanne, shy of running away from me, you never have to ask my permission for anything, ever. And regarding Mack, there is nothing you ever need to explain, or tell me. I know what he means to you, and I know what you mean to him. Mack has made no secret of the fact that he loves you very much, and would move mountains to help you. I could never, ever, begrudge anything between you two. Mack gave you Suzanne back and he helped give me Suzanne. I can never thank Mack enough for all he's done."

  "Me either. I tell him all the time how much I love him, and how wonderful and special he is, and he just grins and shrugs. He takes everything I say as if it doesn't matter; when to me, it matters immensely. I love him, Z... platonically of course- But I love him dearly and I think I will always need Mack in my life, separate from you. Can you handle that? Will it ever be too much for you?"

  "No. I know he doesn't have romantic feelings for you, and that's the only thing that stopped me from going crazy myself when you would only see him and not me. But I understand it. I'm glad you found that with Mack. He's been my best friend for 25 years, and there is no one I trust more with your life or even with my own life. So go talk to Mack. Do whatever you need to do. I only ask that if you can talk to me, or if issues arise for you regarding me, I beg that you try to talk to me as well, so you and I can work things out together."

  "I will talk to you about anything 'us'. I only talk to Mack about the other stuff. The stuff no one else knows, the stuff I don't want anyone else to know, especially you. I'm afraid you'll feel differently about me or something. I'm still afraid of that."

  "That won't happen, whether I know explicit details or not. Suzanne there is nothing that happened in your past that could change the way I feel for you presently and in our future. There is NO horror you could tell me that would change the way I feel for you. Trust me, please?"

  "I'm working on it. I trust you with my body now, and I'm working on trusting you with my life, Z. The trust is coming, and I want it to come. I want you to be the person I trust most."

  "Good enough. I love you, Suzanne. Go ahead, go call Mack."

  "I'll be right back," and placing a kiss on his soft lips, I leave for the spare room to talk to my Mack.

  ==========

  An hour later when I join Z in his study, he instantly spots the tell-tale signs of my crying. I’ve never been able to hide crying, and I always look hideous after a good bawling session. Jumping from his chair he begins walking toward me.

  Raising my hands in the ‘stop panicking’ sort of way, I tell Z, "It’s okay. I'm good. They were mostly happy tears, and I'm absolutely fine. You have to get used to this though. Some days I cry a lot, and other days not at all. This is my life for now, Z. I am a work in progress, and I’m going to be better and stronger for you one day. But you have to understand that I’m going to cry, and sometimes I can talk to you about my tears, and other days I can barely speak at all. This is part of me. Do you think you can handle it all? It's a lot to take on Z. And we can move slower if you’d like. I just want you in my life; as little, or as much as you can give me. It doesn't matter to me, as long as I have you in some way.”

  "I'll take the tears, and the nightmares, and the upset, and the happy, Suzanne. I’ll even take the Mack. It'll just take some time for me to stop trying to fix everything for you, because I'm a work in progress as well. But I can say this… I'm going to love you like you've never known love could be, and I'm going to make you the happiest you have ever imagined being."

  Standing, Z walks to me and gives me a long, deep, beautiful kiss. Breathless, I pull away and just stare at his face. He truly is breathtaking, and apparently mine to love. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm going to make sure I work hard to keep Z.

  "I want you to be happy with me, not for me. I want to share your happiness as well."

  "Suzanne..."

  "Just please think about what you want Z. Then really think about me and us. I need you to be sure that I will be what it is YOU need as well.”

  “I know what I want, and we’ll work through all the details, until we each feel what we want to feel. Good enough?”

  “Okay, good enough. But I really do have to go now. I'm meeting New York Kayla for lunch, and she's demanding all the details of our 'sex-fest', as she calls it. I promise to only give her enough to satisfy her, without giving her enough to torture you with later."

  "She doesn't scare me, Suzanne." He grins.

  "Well, she should. Mack is absolutely terrified of her, as he should be. Don't ever mess with my two Kaylas, Z. Individually, they could hurt you, but together, they
could crush you." I say in my best, most stern voice.

  "I'll keep that in mind."

  "Smart man. But I really have to go. I'll call you later, okay?"

  "Please do. I love you very much, Suzanne. We're going to build a wonderful life together, I’m sure if it."

  "Ugh, you’re going to make me cry again. I love you, and I'll call you after Kayla runs me over during lunch.” He nods, placing a kiss on my lips before I leave him.

  CHAPTER 44

  Leaving the study, I'm struck again by how different Z's apartment is. Not just the decor has changed. The very air is different. The feeling in the apartment is lighter, and hopeful, and new. It's a new start here, just like Z and I. Everything is new.

  This Suzanne is new. I can be any Suzanne I want to be, and this is the Suzanne I'm happiest being. I have 2 Kaylas, and a Mack. And I have Z in my life. I have said a proper goodbye to Marcus. And I am slowly saying goodbye to the nightmare that was my past.

  This is a new Suzanne. Maybe I can have the life I always wanted. Maybe I was meant to have love. Maybe I’m not as horrible as I was always led to believe by the monsters in my past. Maybe they were wrong, and I am now a wonderful, new, happy Suzanne.

  ==========

  Driving to the restaurant to meet Kayla, I can’t stop thinking and smiling… well, like a crazy person, actually.

  God, Z is so easy to love. He will always make me feel special. He will always make me feel. Z will be the happiest my life can ever be.

  I know deep down that this will happen for us, and I honestly believe Z when he says he wants this, just as much as I do.

  Thinking about loving Z makes me feel such happiness and pleasure, it's like I'm light, or elated, or whole, or something that resembles all those words put together. I can't even describe it properly.

  I just know that in this moment of my life when I love Z so completely, I want to live in this exact moment of pure bliss and completion... forever.