Ruby paced up and down. A myriad of thoughts vied for attention. All the arguments she’d been sure she’d silenced were banging their own drums and drowning out any rational thought.
Now she considered it, she’d made a lot of assumptions. She’d been focused on family health and cost but had failed to ask certain things that now seemed fundamental.
‘Is there a problem?’ asked Curtis, checking his watch.
‘Yeah … No … Yes …’
‘I’m going to take a stab and say if you can’t decide between yes and no then there is a problem.’
‘Arghhhh!’ The sound came from somewhere in the pit of her stomach. It was a good way to release a bit of the tension.
He stepped back. ‘Do you want to discuss it?’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.’ He stepped forward as she spun around and they were suddenly very close together. ‘I want a baby.’
His eyebrows shot up and stayed glued in position. ‘As we’ve only just met, I’m going to say thank you for the offer but …’
‘Not with you.’ She waved his embarrassed babbling away. ‘With the guy who lives here.’ She stabbed a finger towards the house.
‘I see. You have an appointment with …’ Curtis scratched his head. ‘Your boyfriend, partner, an experimental biologist?’
She shook her head. ‘Some guy off the internet.’
Curtis opened and closed his mouth a few times. ‘No, you’re going to have to explain that a bit more.’
‘I’ve come here to see a sperm donor.’
Curtis jolted. ‘That I was not expecting,’ he said.
She flopped onto a nearby wall. Curtis brushed the top of the low wall and sat down gingerly next to her.
‘I’m almost thirty-five. Do you know what they call women who have a baby after thirty-five?’
‘A mother,’ said Curtis hesitantly.
‘Well, yes, obviously. But they call them geriatric mothers. Geriatric at thirty-bloody-five. It happened to a friend of mine. That’s the medical world saying you’re officially past it. And that’s what’s missing in my life. Another person to love.’ She took a breath, her mind swimming with memories of her mother. She had so much love she wanted to share. ‘I want a child. I want to be a mum before it really is too late.’
‘Is that all?’
‘No. I had this list of stuff I was going to achieve by the time I was forty and I’ve done none of it.’
‘Have you got a copy of the list?’ he asked.
‘What?’
‘The list you made. What’s on it?’ He looked at her expectantly.
‘There wasn’t an actual list.’
‘How were you expecting to achieve it? For a goal to be achievable you should—’ She intensified her glare. ‘Okay. Clearly not important. Please continue.’
‘I guess there was just one big thing on the list. I thought I’d be married with children by now.’
‘Technically that’s two or possibly more things if it’s …’ He seemed to sense her stare. ‘But I get your drift. What I’m not understanding is why someone who believes so blindly, or should I say fervently, in the existence of romance would then look to conceive a child in this manner.’
‘Because at some point you get fed up of waiting for your happy ever after and realise if you don’t make it happen nobody else will. This is me taking control of my dreams.’
‘And you believe the path to your happy ever after lies here?’ He indicated the house and they both turned to study the litter, marauding weeds and broken path that led to the shabby front door.
Ruby’s chin hit her chest. ‘I don’t know any more. I thought I did. I really did. But then the guy on the train …’
‘Stole your phone,’ suggested Curtis as an end to her sentence.
‘No. He borrowed it. It was so romantic – how he talked about his girlfriend. Everything he’s planned for the proposal. It’s going to be magical and I want that. I want someone to love me that much that they make my dreams come true. Someone I could raise a family with.’
‘I see,’ said Curtis. ‘It’s more of a package deal you’re after rather than merely sperm.’ He was frowning hard as if he was concentrating and it made Ruby smile despite everything.
‘Yes, Curtis. I’m after the package deal.’ She didn’t like to admit the sad little love story her imagination had conjured up, that the man at number twenty-six just might be her true love. He would open the door, there would be an instant spark and they’d look back on this as the funny story that brought them together. That was looking less and less likely by the second. She sighed. ‘Why is love so complicated?’
‘Love interests me,’ said Curtis. ‘I understand that it is a mix of emotions but if you become sad, are made angry and feel happy then why do you fall in love? You don’t fall into any other emotional state.’
‘Huh,’ said Ruby, giving it some thought. ‘I guess because with love you are totally out of control.’
Curtis seemed to shiver, his expression stern. ‘I feared that might be the case.’
‘So, what do I do?’ asked Ruby. ‘Do I keep searching for something I might never find? Or do I take control and go down the clinical route?’
‘If it’s love you’re seeking then I’m thinking that perhaps you need to date someone for a while rather than rush into …’ He glanced across the road. ‘Well, this.’
Ruby couldn’t stop the huge sigh. ‘But that is what I’ve been doing for years and years. I’ve dated hund—’ His wide eyes made her adjust her sentence. ‘I’ve dated lots of men and none of them have been the one.’
‘The one who …’ He gestured for her to continue.
‘Just the one.’
‘No, I’m sorry. I have no idea what you mean.’ He tilted his head towards her. ‘Please enlighten me.’
All the romantic heroes she’d read about tumbled into her mind. ‘That one person who makes you feel alive. Who does all the romantic stuff because they love you and not because they think it’ll get them a quick shag. Someone who makes your heart flip—’
‘That’s not technically possible.’
‘Okay. Makes your heart beat faster or miss a beat.’
‘Like arrhythmia?’ He looked genuinely confused and it brought another unexpected smile to her face.
‘No, not like arrhythmia. Like love.’
‘Ahhh,’ said Curtis, nodding firmly. ‘We appear to be back at the same impasse – love.’
He was right. It did all come back to love. Love in all its guises. Feeling it, sharing it, finding it – love was fundamental. ‘Do you love someone, Curtis?’
‘No. I’m not well versed in that arena.’
‘No. Nor am I,’ said Ruby. ‘Which is why I came to the conclusion that this was my best option to become a mother.’ She took a deep breath and stood up. ‘Right, let’s stick with the plan.’ She walked across the road and Curtis followed her.
Twenty minutes after the woman had left the shop, Kim and Adrian were still laughing about her wanting tomato plants at her wedding reception. Kim had made up Adrian’s usual Friday bouquet with a beautiful selection of mixed roses. They were now sitting in the back room chatting over a cup of tea. Kim glanced at her phone. She’d been hoping to hear from Ruby. She had tried not to go full-on mother hen around her but she was more than a little concerned about this appointment she’d said she had.
She’d known Ruby a few years and in all that time she had always been very open about her personal life. They had grown close and it was out of character for Ruby to keep the details of something like this to herself, and it worried Kim.
‘Am I keeping you from your work?’ asked Adrian.
‘No, I’m sorry. I was hoping Ruby was going to message me. That’s all. I’m enjoying having the company if I’m honest. Don’t get me wrong, I think the world of Ruby and we get on well. But it’s nice to chat to someone my age who doesn’t start looking up iPads when I say I ne
ed a tablet or think I mean the internet when I say I’m thinking about going on safari.’
‘I know what you mean,’ said Adrian. Kim instantly wondered if he meant his wife and something in her expression must have given her away. ‘Oh, I didn’t mean Justine,’ he added quickly. ‘I mean people at work mainly. Lots of youngsters coming in now. Not many of the old guard left. People around me keep taking early retirement or redundancy.’
‘Have you thought about doing the same?’
‘For a nanosecond. And then I decided against it. I’m not sure what I’d do with all that time to myself.’
‘Gardening?’ She tipped her head in the direction of the tomato plant.
‘That can only fill so many hours.’
‘Holidays? Or maybe you could start a new hobby.’
Adrian sipped his tea. ‘There was a time when Justine took up pottery.’ He smiled at the memory. ‘She was atrocious. More clay on her than on the wheel. It’s all still in the garage.’
‘There you are then. That’s something you could take up together. You could be throwing pots or whatever it is potters do. Not like at a Greek wedding you understand.’
Adrian smiled. ‘I’m not that creative. How about you? Any retirement plans?’
‘I wish,’ said Kim. ‘I can’t afford to retire. Vince said this place was our pension – no work means no money. And if I’m honest I wouldn’t want to stop working. I don’t do much outside of the shop. Between you and me, my day off is the worst day of the week. I’m afraid I’ve never really adjusted to life on my own.’
‘Have you thought about a companion?’ Adrian was watching her closely.
‘Like a dog? I have actually. It would be nice to have someone to talk to. Them not answering back could be a bonus. And goodness knows I need to lose some weight so walking it would be good exercise.’
‘Um, right. Yes, a dog might be the answer then. I know someone who works at the rescue centre. We could go and have a look on your day off if you wanted to.’
‘You know what, Adrian? I might just take you up on that.’
Curtis waited on the pavement while Ruby knocked on the door. A middle-aged man answered it. She looked him up and down. He was, at least in part, as he had described in his emails, with dark hair, dark eyes and he appeared generally well kempt. However, he was somewhat older and shorter than she was expecting and he certainly hadn’t set her heart a flutter – so much for her fanciful meet-cute. She was now very thankful this baby wasn’t going to be made the traditional way.
‘Neil?’ she asked.
‘Ruby?’
‘Yeah. I’m sorry I’m late. I got delayed and …’ She turned to look at Curtis at the other end of the path. ‘It’s a long story.’
‘Come in.’ Neil stood back and held the door open. Ruby looked inside. It was neater than the outside, which was an improvement. What had she been expecting? She knew this was no London fertility clinic.
Curtis stepped forward. ‘I hate to hurry you along, but we have an appointment with a giant Ferris wheel that is fast approaching. The appointment time … not the actual wheel.’
Neil looked unsettled. ‘Is he with you?’
‘Err, yeah. I guess.’
‘Good afternoon,’ said Curtis, striding forward and attempting to shake Neil’s hand. Neil stepped back as he looked Curtis over.
‘Are you the police?’ He clutched the front door tighter.
‘No. But why does the thought that I might be alarm you?’ asked Curtis, narrowing his eyes.
‘No reason. Not doing anything wrong.’ He turned his attention back to Ruby. ‘Do you have the cash?’
She produced an envelope from her bag and held it in front of her. She bit her lip. This was it. If she handed over the money then this was happening. She was having a baby.
‘Excuse me,’ said Curtis. ‘I’m sorry to interrupt but could I have a word?’ He took Ruby gently by the arm and steered her back down the wonky path to the pavement. She shoved the money back in her bag. Curtis fixed her with a sombre gaze. ‘I understand that you may have been considering this for some time; however, it appears to be a very ill-thought-through plan of action. May I suggest you consider all your options.’
‘Consider my options?’ Ruby laughed. ‘That’s what I’ve been doing my whole adult life and my options are all a bunch of wasters or worse still wasters disguised as decent people. Either way I waste my time and money on men who always leave me in the end. This is my only option for a child before my ovaries retire. I’ve been planning it for ages. I’ve researched fertility and IVF clinics. They were too expensive as it turns out. But I looked up lots of other donor possibilities. I’ve been taking vitamin supplements for weeks. And I’m a regular in the John Lewis pushchair department. I’m ready to have a baby.’ She took a breath. ‘A donor means I get the baby but without the baggage of a man who is inevitably going to let me down. And worse still let a child down. This way there are no expectations. It’s a business transaction. And I have sifted through loads of potential donors to find Neil.’
‘And he is the best you could find?’
They turned and both studied Neil who was half hiding behind the door. Ruby pulled the now somewhat dog-eared email from her bag and handed it to Curtis. He speed-read it.
‘I see. He claims to be incredibly fertile although his evidence is inconclusive. The four children he claims are his may not be unless there is DNA proof and even if they are his they were likely conceived some time ago. Sperm motility decreases with age.’
Neil shouted from the door. ‘Look, I need to be at the new Spider-Man movie in an hour. I’ve got tickets. If you wanted to um … do this take-away, I’ve got some little pots so I could be getting on with that.’
‘Two more minutes, sir,’ said Curtis, leading Ruby a little further away. ‘This is a very big decision. I just want to check that you’re sure.’
‘Grrr!’ Ruby made the noise with gusto and Curtis jolted. ‘Of course I’m not sure. I’m confused. The last thing my mum said to me was …’ Ruby stopped talking.
‘Continue,’ said Curtis, giving her a nod of encouragement.
Ruby took a deep breath. ‘She said I was what made her life a happy one. And then she said, “Be happy, Ruby.”’ Ruby ran her hands through her long hair and tugged when she got to the ends. ‘I don’t know what to do any more.’
‘I don’t think her telling you to be happy was an instruction to get pregnant.’
‘My mum searched her whole life for a good man and she didn’t find one. But because of me she was happy. It was like she realised at the end that maybe romance wasn’t the answer to happiness. Don’t you see?’ At that moment a young mother strolled past pushing a buggy and she caught a glimpse of a snoozing toddler. Her heart ached at the sight.
Curtis’s voice pulled her back to the discussion. ‘Whilst I do not subscribe to the notion of romance, per se, I do believe there is such a thing as a good genetic match. So, if you were looking to balance your genetic failings—’
‘Hey,’ said Ruby. ‘How to kick a girl when she’s down.’
‘I meant your height.’
‘Oh, right okay. Carry on.’ She was bang on average height but that didn’t stop her feeling short most of the time. Besides Curtis was right – she had been looking for someone taller to balance things out for any offspring.
‘He’s lied about his height. There’s no way he’s six feet tall. Five ten, tops.’
Ruby pouted. ‘How tall are you?’
‘Six feet and a half. By that I mean six feet and a half inch. Not six and a half feet. It’s a difficult measurement to convey. Six feet, one inch would be easier to communicate.’
‘Then say six foot one.’
‘But that would be incorrect … and a lie.’
A cough from behind the shabby front door drew their attention back to the decision that was required.
Ruby was beyond confused. All the doubts she’d had about doing this were
fighting bare knuckle with her desire to be a mother. She studied Curtis’s face. He seemed sensible. The sort of person who made good choices. ‘What should I do?’ she asked.
‘Only you can make that decision,’ said Curtis.
Chapter Seven
Friday afternoon was dragging. Kim ate another Hobnob and instantly regretted it. It felt like every biscuit she’d ever eaten was now stored as a fat cell on her bum. Ruby, on the other hand, seemed to eat as many biscuits as she liked and didn’t put on an ounce. Kim wondered if there was some strange sort of osmosis at work, where Ruby ate the biscuits and they went on Kim’s hips. She’d given up weighing herself; she didn’t need the scales to tell her she was getting fatter, her jeans screamed that at her each morning and the mark they left across her middle reminded her every evening.
She popped her head into the flower shop’s tiny washroom and surveyed the state of her hair. She really did need to get it done. The grey was no longer strolling through; it was rampaging. It was mainly on one side, which would soon give her an air of Cruella de Vil unless she took some action. The dark circles under her eyes added to the sorry picture. She was getting older and she didn’t like it. Almost immediately her mother’s voice popped into her head: ‘It beats the alternative.’ That was what she always used to say. She knew she was lucky to be alive and healthy. Even so it was hard to look in the mirror and see a tired older person staring back.
She returned to her work bench in the back room and set about the order she’d deliver on her way home. A bouquet and balloons for the arrival of twins. A boy and a girl. Even now, after all this time, she still felt it. That hollow pang of loss – if, of course, it was possible to lose something you never actually had. She’d so wanted to have children but all her attempts had come to nothing.
Just as she tried to tie the ribbon to keep the flowers together, the shop bell chimed.
‘Hang on,’ she called.
A face peered through the beaded curtain making her jump. ‘Hiya,’ said Gloria the postwoman. ‘Need to sign for this one.’ She put the envelope on the countertop. ‘That’s pretty,’ she said, nodding at the bouquet Kim was grappling with.
The Promise of Summer, Part 1 Page 5