by Isis Brown
“Oh no,” Layla sat down, feeling gutted. She hadn’t spent a lot of time with Isabel’s grandfather, but she knew how close they were and her heart broke at the loss she knew they all must be feeling. “I’m glad you told me. Should I come up? What should I do?”
“I’m not sure, that’s really up to you. I just thought you should know. I should go, sorry to spring that on you.”
“No, thank you for telling me.”
“Of course.”
Layla set the phone down and turned to Sasha, who had concern painted all over her face.
“What happened?” Sasha asked.
“Isabel’s grandfather passed away suddenly.”
“Oh God, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”
Layla sat back against the couch. “What do I do? Do I call? Do I text? What is the protocol here?”
“Well, what did Penny say you should do?” Sasha inquired.
“She didn’t really, other than saying that Isabel wanted me there but didn’t think she could ask.”
Sasha took a deep breath. “You should go.”
Layla turned to her, incredulous. “You think I should go?”
“I think you want to go, which is why you should go.”
“I don’t even know that I want to go. I mean, I feel terrible. He was such a nice man and that family Sash, that family is so wonderful. But it’s not like I can give them any comfort right now.”
“Except for that you can,” Sasha said, her words sounding heavy.
Layla sighed. “I haven’t seen her in months, and I don’t even know what that would be like seeing her, let alone seeing her now when she is grieving.”
Sasha took Layla’s hand in hers and gave it a quick squeeze. “It’s up to you, and I support you either way, but I think we both know that if you’re honest with yourself, you want to go.”
“How do you know that?” Layla asked defiantly.
“Okay, let me ask you this,” Sasha said, with more patience than Layla felt like she deserved under the circumstances. “If you and I weren’t doing… whatever it is we are doing, and you were home alone tonight and got that call, what would you do?”
Layla exhaled loudly. “Fuuuuuuuuck.”
“I knew the deal when we started this thing. All I’ve asked is that you are honest with me, remember?”
Layla lowered her head into her hands; elbows propped onto her knees. Sasha placed a reassuring hand on her back.
“Please don’t comfort me right now, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet and you being kind and understanding is making it worse,” Layla said miserably.
“Let’s not do this, okay? It’s not the time. You go, help where you are needed. Once you’re back, we will sort it out, okay?”
Layla looked up at Sasha, with so many conflicting emotions she didn’t know what to say. Her heart was broken for her lost love, who she tried not to think about but often still did. Sasha was supportive, but Layla could see sadness in her eyes. Layla had never felt so torn, or so guilty, in her life.
She picked up the phone and composed a new text message to Penny.
On my way.
***
Isabel woke up and felt disoriented from waking up in her childhood bedroom until she remembered why. Her breath shaky as she felt the grief wash over her, she heard movement downstairs and figured her parents were up. Her mouth tasted bitter, not having brushed her teeth the night before. Isabel didn’t know what time it was, her phone dead since it hadn’t charged overnight. She walked downstairs, not even bothering to wash her face or brush her teeth.
Everyone in her family looked like they hadn’t yet slept.
“Hey honey,” Diane said, walking to her and pulling her into a tight hug.
“Hey Mom,” Isabel said, her voice cracking as the tears started to fall again.
“He just hated taking those meds,” Neeno said, wiping away a tear. “He was a stubborn man, but I loved him.”
Isabel sat next to Neeno on the couch, holding her hand.
The doorbell rang, and Isabel got up to answer it. Penny was on the other end, Ramsey in tow. Isabel got Ramsey settled as Penny made the rounds giving her condolences to everyone before putting the food she brought into the fridge and pouring everyone coffee from a large to-go container. She then sat down next to Isabel.
“I won’t ask how you are. Just know, and please tell your parents that Tom, the girls and I are all here to do whatever you need help with okay?”
Isabel reached out and squeezed Penny’s hand.
Penny’s phone vibrated, and she slipped her hand from Isabel’s to respond. After a few moments, she turned to Isabel and stood, grabbing her hand and pulling her up.
“Come with me.”
Isabel didn’t have the energy to question anything as she stood and followed Penny towards the front door.
“I hope this is okay,” Penny said as she opened the door, uncertainty in her voice.
“What is?” Isabel asked, not sure what she meant.
“You might not remember, everything was really crazy yesterday, but you said the one person you wanted the most to be here was the one you couldn’t call.”
Isabel nodded, thinking of Layla.
“Well…” Penny turned towards the driveway and motioned for Isabel to look.
Isabel didn’t trust it. Didn’t believe her eyes. Standing at the edge of the walkway looking sad and unsure was Layla. Her Layla. Isabel didn’t tell her legs to move; they did of their own accord. Slowly at first, then faster and faster still. Layla’s arms opened in an invitation, and Isabel found herself crashing into her. She hung onto Layla for dear life, her heart hammering in her chest. She could hear Layla speaking but couldn’t make out the words. She just clung to her, inhaling her scent that was so familiar despite how long it had been since they’d been this close.
***
Layla did her best to make herself useful. She walked Ramsey, happy to be reunited with him after so long. She drove Diane and Isabel around as they made arrangements, she held Isabel while she cried. The day flew by in a mix of plans and pain, with Layla doing her best to be supportive but not take up any space. To their credit, the Martins were kind to Layla and did not bring any attention to the odd reality of her being there. Instead, they treated her like family as they grieved.
Layla watched Isabel and Diane argue over whether or not Isabel would go home that night or stay there.
“Isabel, please. I don’t want to worry about you back at home. It’s already late. Just stay.”
“Mom, I don’t have any of my things. I need clean clothes, a charger. My phone has been off for over a day.”
Layla hesitated, but stood up and walked over to join their conversation. “Sorry to interrupt.”
They both looked over, Diane giving her a soft smile, and Isabel looking at Layla expectantly.
“Why don’t I go to your place and pack you a bag? Unless you’ve moved or a lot has changed, I can probably figure it out and be back within the hour.”
Diane looked relieved, but she deferred to Isabel.
“I feel like you and Penny have already done so much, I hate to ask that,” Isabel said.
“You’re not asking, I offered. Keys?”
Isabel walked upstairs, motioning for Layla to follow her to her childhood bedroom. Layla wished she could spend time looking around at her old room, but she knew now wasn’t the time. Isabel took them out of her purse and extended them towards Layla. Taking the keys from Isabel, Layla nodded as she put them in her pocket.
“I’ll be back in a bit, but you should try to get some sleep.”
Isabel reached out and grabbed Layla’s hand. “Thank you for being here, for everything.”
“Of course.”
Layla turned and hurried down the stairs, needing air. She knew seeing Isabel was going to be hard, but she didn’t anticipate the challenge of being so close to her physically. She held her hand, wiped her tears, and held her as she cried
. It took all she had to keep herself from kissing the top of her head like she used to when comforting her after a bad day — running her fingers through her hair to help her fall asleep. It was exhausting, holding back. It was mystifying how she found herself right back there, in that emotional space, after months of being apart and all that happened between them.
Layla climbed into the car and rolled the windows down, hoping the drive and fresh air would help her get centered. She was finally starting to feel better until she got to Isabel’s and let herself in. The apartment was exactly the same as she remembered, down to the framed photos of them together that Isabel hadn’t removed yet. Layla ran her fingertips along their faces over the glass, and she felt her chest tighten.
“We really were happy,” she said to the empty apartment, her voice thick with emotion.
Regrouping, Layla found a travel bag and packed a couple changes of clothes for Isabel, her toiletries and phone charger before getting back in the car back to Diane’s house. She let herself into the house and nodding to Diane and Greg on the couch she walked straight upstairs to Isabel’s room to give her the bag.
Walking towards the bedroom, she slowed down as the light was already off and Isabel appeared to be in bed. She took quiet steps in and set the bag down near the dresser, before taking out the phone charger and plugging it in behind the nightstand. Finding Isabel’s phone, she plugged it in so it would be charged by morning.
Layla was on her way out of the bedroom when she heard Isabel whimper in her sleep. Turning around, she looked at Isabel to see if she’d woken up, she hadn’t. Isabel kept fidgeting in her sleep. Layla knew she should resist the urge, that she should leave the room and head downstairs, get in the car and go back to Penny’s but she couldn’t. The pull was too strong.
Layla slowly laid down next to Isabel on the bed, staying on top of the covers. She wrapped a tentative arm around Isabel, hoping to calm her without waking her. Isabel sighed in her sleep and curved back into Layla. The fidgeting stopped, replaced by murmurs, and soon a deep sleep. Layla squeezed her eyes shut and tried to steady her breathing, trying not to disturb Isabel as a rush of memories and emotions overwhelmed her. Waiting until she felt like Isabel was truly asleep, Layla slowly extricated herself from the bed, taking extra care as not to wake her. She let herself out of the house and made her way back to Penny’s. Upon walking in, Penny was on the couch grading papers. She set her glasses down and looked up.
“How was she?”
“Okay. Asleep now.”
“Good. You look beat. You should try to get some sleep, too. The guest room is ready for you. Up the stairs, first one on the left. Tom already put your bag up there.”
“Thanks for letting me stay here, Penny. Especially after everything.”
Penny nodded. “You were always welcome here, Layla. You still are.”
Layla walked up the stairs, the exhaustion setting in with each step. Laying down, all the emotions she tried to keep in check all day came pouring out. Curled up in the fetal position, Layla cried at seeing Isabel again, cried at how much pain Isabel was in, the loss of Poppa and the reality that a part of Layla had been missing since the day they broke up.
***
Isabel woke up feeling more rested than she had in days. Sitting up in bed, she saw the overnight bag Layla had packed for her and was grateful that her phone had been charged. She picked up her phone and skipped all the unread texts, choosing to text Layla instead.
Hey. Thanks for the overnight bag and phone charger.
A few moments went by before she heard back. You’re welcome. How are you holding up?
Better. Are you still here? Isabel anxiously awaited the answer. She was so overwhelmed by the loss of Poppa but one thing she did know, is she felt better with Layla near. After going so long without seeing her, she hoped it wasn’t over so soon.
Yes. At Penny’s. I was planning on heading over soon if that’s helpful? If you want?
Please.
Ok. Can I bring anything? Food? Coffee?
I can hear Mom in the kitchen downstairs, so no. Just yourself.
Okay, let me know if anything comes up. See you soon.
Isabel reluctantly crawled out of bed and got in the shower, shaking her head at what must have been a dream, as she could have sworn she remembered Layla crawling in bed with her last night.
***
Layla helped Isabel and Diane with their errands as they got ready for the funeral and wake. She hung back as everyone filed in for the funeral until Elliott Penny and Toni led her to sit with them in the row behind the immediate family. Mid-way through the funeral, Isabel looked back and seeing Layla, she reached her arm behind her and clutched her hand throughout the remainder of the service.
After the service concluded, Layla helped Isabel pack her things from her parent’s house and rounding up Ramsey she took them both back to Isabel’s. Isabel had nothing left. Her eyes were puffy, her steps slow. Layla did her best to support her with an arm around her waist. She led her to the bedroom and sat her on the edge of the bed. She unpacked her toiletries and poked her head back in the bedroom.
“Iz, your stuff is in the bathroom, why don’t you get ready for bed while I take Ramsey out for a quick walk.” Isabel nodded.
Once Layla and Ramsey were back, Layla went into the bedroom to find Isabel still sitting on the edge of the bed, her shoes off but not much else. Seeing Isabel so heartbroken was devastating to Layla. She sat next to her on the edge of the bed.
“Can I help?”
Isabel nodded.
Layla grabbed a t-shirt and shorts from the pajama drawer of Isabel’s dresser, and her breath caught at seeing some of her old PJs in there too. She looked back to Isabel, who was watching her. Layla opened her mouth to comment on it but decided now wasn’t the time. Turning around, she made her way back to Isabel, who merely lifted her arms.
Layla undressed Isabel carefully as if she was a porcelain doll that could break at any moment. Once changed, Layla put Isabel’s clothes in the hamper and pulled back the covers so Isabel could get underneath them.
“Will you stay?” Isabel asked in a soft voice.
Layla didn’t have the heart to deny her.
“Of course. I’ll just set up on the couch.”
“No. Here,” Isabel said as she put her hand on the space beside her, where Layla used to sleep when she stayed at her place.
Layla exhaled slowly. “Okay.”
Layla walked and grabbed some of her old pajamas, suddenly self-conscious about changing in front of Isabel, which she knew was absurd. There wasn’t an inch of each other’s bodies they hadn’t seen or touched. Layla changed quickly and crawled into bed next to Isabel, laying her head on the pillow. Isabel turned to face her. They laid like this for a while, looking at each other.
Isabel reached out and cupped Layla’s face, running her thumb along her cheek. “Do you ever think of me?” Isabel whispered.
Layla closed her eyes; emotion overtaking her. She took a shaky breath in.
“Every day. I think about you every day.”
Isabel closed the distance between them and pressed her lips softly to Layla’s. Layla froze, eyes still closed, worried that if she opened her eyes, she’d realize she imagined it. Isabel pulled back but remained close.
“Sorry.”
Layla opened her eyes as they connected with Isabel, her arm involuntarily reaching out and sliding around her waist. She hated herself for being so weak, for not wanting the contact to end. Especially under the current circumstances.
Isabel slid on top of Layla and kissed her again, Layla’s arms sliding under Isabel’s t-shirt up her back. Alarm bells started blaring in her head, despite how good it felt to be close to Isabel again. Layla wanted to stop, was going to, and then Isabel slid her tongue into her mouth. Layla’s hands moved lower and pulled Isabel’s body into her, pulling a strangled gasp from Isabel, who rolled her body down into Layla in response. Isabel slid her hand up Lay
la’s stomach, squeezing her breast under her t-shirt, rolling her thumb along her nipple. The sharp pleasure jolted Layla back into her senses. With her hands on Isabel’s waist, Layla rolled her back over to her side of the bed, both of them breathing heavy.
“We can’t. Not right now, and not like this,” Layla said.
Isabel worked to steady her breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m all over the place,” Isabel said, as a tear escaped and ran down her cheek to the pillow.
“Come here,” Layla encouraged, laying on her back and extending her arm. Isabel slid over and laid her head on Layla’s chest. Layla started absentmindedly stroking Isabel’s hair as minutes passed.
“I’m going to do this right, you know,” Isabel said as she started drifting off.
“Do what right?” Layla asked.
Isabel never answered as she fell asleep, with Layla following shortly thereafter.
***
Layla woke up big spooning Isabel, hand on Isabel’s breast under her t-shirt and her face buried in her hair. She took a moment to register her surroundings then immediately tensed up before removing her hand, desperately trying not to wake Isabel up.
“Good morning,” Isabel said, a hint of amusement in her voice. She must have been up for a while because she didn’t sound like she had just woken up.
“Good morning,” Layla said, her voice thick with sleep and embarrassment. “I’m so sorry about…that.” She rolled onto her back, putting space between their bodies.
Isabel rolled over to face her. “Old habits die hard, huh?”
Layla felt the blood rush to her face. “Apparently.”.
They got up and got ready for the day, Isabel getting in the shower first and Layla taking that time to walk Ramsey. When Layla got out of the shower, Penny was there with Layla’s bag and coffee and pastries for them.