Sarah Love

by Geraldine O'Neill

  The first verse started off with everyone knowing the words and then the song gradually descended into many people guessing the words, miming or humming along. At the end of the final verse all the people in the hall were cheering and hugging and kissing everyone else.

  After he had kissed her lightly on the cheek, James Ryder held her at arm’s length and then pulled her back and said loudly in her ear above the din, “I don’t believe I’ve spent the New Year before in the company of such a beautiful and enchanting young lady. I hope this is going to be the start of something big?”

  Sarah giggled and shook her head, not taking it seriously. On a night like this everyone was in high spirits and everything was exaggerated and, although she was enjoying herself, she had no intentions of allowing any man to get close to her.

  James had just lifted her hand to kiss it when Jane rushed across the floor to sweep Sarah up in a big bear-hug.

  “Happy New Year, Sarah!” she screeched above the loud music. “I’m so glad you came to live in our house, and we all think you are going to be a famous fashion designer in the next few years!”

  “That’s lovely of you!” Sarah said, hugging her back. She was delighted that she was now fully accepted in the house, and the compliment about her sewing talent was ringing loudly in her ears. Was it really possible, she wondered, that somebody like her could have a career in fashion designing?

  The music changed to a tango, and just as James started to ask her to dance again, Vivienne appeared and put her arms around Sarah. “I need to tell you something in private,” she said, carefully enunciating each word.” She then guided Sarah back to the table, steadying herself on the other chairs as she went along.

  When they sat down, the medical student lifted a glass of the sparkling wine and gave it to Sarah and then she started drinking one herself. As Sarah took a sip of the wine, she warned herself to slow down and be careful, as she had already drunk too much.

  Vivienne reached over and took Sarah’s hand. “I want to . . . I want to apologise properly to you . . .”

  Sarah could tell that Vivienne was now clearly drunk. “For what?” she asked.

  “For the bloody awful way I treated you. She waved her hand around. “When you first arrived. The horrendous way I was.” She paused. “I can explain it . . .”

  Sarah waited. There was no point in throwing Vivienne off her train of thought, and she wanted to hear what she had to say.

  “It wasn’t really about you/” Another pause. “It was really about my father . . .” Tears started spilling down her face. “He’s a doctor, too. Did you know that?”

  Sarah nodded. Vivienne often talked about going home to visit her parents, and she had a vague recollection of the other girls mentioning something about Vivienne’s father when she first arrived.

  “Well . . .” Vivienne slowly shook her head from side to side. “Years ago, he had an affair with one of the secretaries in his practice and when he broke it off the woman – Catriona Clarke – came to our house and told my mother all about it.” She stopped and took a deep shuddering breath.

  “Oh, Vivienne, I’m so sorry . . .”

  “I was playing behind the sofa with my doll and my mother didn’t realise.” The tears were really falling now.

  Sarah glanced around her, hoping no one would come and interrupt them. “When I realised they were talking about something very serious, I kept quiet. I heard her telling my mother all about the affair, and how she was now expecting Daddy’s baby.”

  Sarah felt a stab of intense sorrow as she listened.

  “I was only about ten years old, but I understood every single word. My poor mother was devastated. She had known nothing about it, and just sat listening in silence. When she did speak, I could tell from her voice that things would never be the same again. It was awful – it was like the end of the world had come to our house. My older brother and sister were at boarding school so they knew nothing about it.”

  Sarah reached over and touched her housemate’s hand. “I am so, so sorry, Vivienne . . .” She wondered how on earth an apology for being nasty to her had led to Vivienne recalling this devastating childhood memory. “It’s all a long time ago, and your family have obviously got over it. It’s best to forget all about it.”

  Vivienne shook her head. “There were terrible rows in the house and I remember Daddy going away for about three weeks. I thought he was never coming back. I wrote letters to Brian and Penny telling them all about what had happened, but I was too scared to post them.”

  Sarah waited. Vivienne obviously needed to get it off her chest.

  “Daddy came back. He and Mummy spent night after night either arguing about it or not talking at all. One night I was in bed and when I heard them rowing I started to cry. Daddy came upstairs and heard me and came into my bedroom. He asked me what was wrong and I told him what I had heard about Catriona Clarke.”

  Sarah held her breath for a few moments. “What happened?”

  “He broke down and cried . . .” Vivienne’s whole body started to tremble.

  Sarah moved over to put her arms around her and comfort her. “It’s a long time ago,” she repeated, at a loss for any other words.

  “But it’s never gone away,” she sobbed.

  Sarah noticed James and Ben coming towards the table now and she caught Ben’s eye and shook her head, motioning towards Vivienne. They seemed to get the gist of things and moved back towards the bar.

  Sarah turned back to her housemate. “What happened afterwards?”

  “Daddy told me that his friendship with Catriona Clarke was over and that she had left her job and moved away. She was never mentioned again.”

  “What about the baby?”

  Vivienne shrugged. “Presumably she had it. I never felt I could mention it again . . . although I often wondered if I had a brother or sister somewhere.” She dabbed the napkin to her eyes. “When you first arrived at the house, you brought it all back to me.”

  “Me? How could I have reminded you about that?”

  “Because Catriona Clarke’s voice sounded exactly like yours. And that’s why I was so hostile. She was Irish too. After that I couldn’t bear to hear anything about Ireland or Irish people. And all the awful things I said to you . . . I had heard my mother screaming them at my father when she found out. After that there was always a frosty atmosphere in our house if anything came up about Ireland in the news or that kind of thing.” She swept her hand through her hair. “I was never told anything officially but I have a funny feeling she had the baby and then went back to live in Dublin.”

  Everything fell into place for Sarah. She felt relief for herself that there was a reason for the prejudice rather than total ignorance. And now, instead of feeling angry, she felt sorry for the privileged, intelligent, medical student. She put her arms tighter around Vivienne now.

  “It’s all right,” she said, “I understand why you felt like that.” She paused. “And I understand exactly how your mother felt . . .” She moved back a little, so Vivienne was at arms’ length. “Earlier in the night when I was talking about how my wedding plans were called off, well, it was for similar reasons.”

  Vivienne looked at her with glassy eyes. “What do you mean?”

  “I was betrayed by the man I was engaged to and my best friend.”

  “No . . .” Vivienne looked totally confused.

  Sarah lowered her eyes. “She became pregnant too. I wouldn’t have sex with Con so since Patricia was obviously willing he took his chance with her.”

  “No!” Vivienne repeated.

  “I was devastated, and when I had a chance to think things over, I went around everywhere and cancelled the church, the flowers, the hotel reception and all those things.”

  “And how long . . .” Vivienne tried to muster up all her concentration. “How long to the wedding?” She reached out for her wineglass again.

  “Less than two weeks. But then everything changed. Patricia lost the baby, a
nd Con and his mother had the cheek to come up to our house to ask me if I would go ahead with the wedding. He said we were free now that he didn’t need to marry Patricia Quinn. That’s when I knew I had to move away. I couldn’t marry Con and I couldn’t stay living in a small town where I could run into him.

  “Terrible!” Vivienne said. “Absolutely terrible.”

  Sarah touched her hand. “But, you know, we have to get over things. And I know you will get over what happened to you.”

  Vivienne nodded and tried to smile. “Thank you, Sarah. I feel much better about everything.” She lifted her glass. “Let’s drink to our friendship.” Then, realising her glass was empty, she reached across the table for a half-full bottle of red wine and filled her glass up. She then held the bottle out to Sarah.

  Sarah’s hand moved to cover the top of her sparkling-wine glass which still had some in it. “I’ve had more than enough,” she said. “I’ll be sick if I drink much more.” When Vivienne put the bottle back on the table, Sarah held her glass up. “To friendship and to great success in the coming year!”

  Vivienne’s glass wavered as she held it up. “To friendship!” she repeated.

  They clinked glasses and Sarah took another mouthful of her wine. She looked at Vivienne’s face which was blotchy and streaked with black mascara. She picked up her evening bag and stood up. “Come on, I think we’ll both feel and look better if we go to the ladies’ room and tidy ourselves up a bit.”

  When they were in front of the full-length mirror Sarah helped Vivienne to re-do her make-up. A few times Vivienne staggered backwards and Sarah had to move quickly to steady her.

  “I think you’d be best to have a lemonade or something when we get back into the hall,” Sarah said. “I know I can’t drink any more.”

  “I’m fine,” Vivienne said, smiling brightly at her. “It’s New Year, and if we can’t let our hair down tonight, when can we?” She glanced at her reflection. “Do I look okay?”

  “Yes, you look lovely again.”

  “Good.” She smoothed her dress down and then straightened up. “Because I intend to go in for the kill now with Dr Livingstone. And you should do the same with Dr Ryder.”

  “But I’m not interested in men,” Sarah told her.

  Vivienne waved a knowing finger in front of her. “Don’t let what happened to you back in Ireland put you off finding a good catch. You’ve got to get married some day, and fellows like that will be snapped up by some of those bloody nurses if we don’t beat them to it. They’re always gushing around the male doctors when they’re on ward duty, offering them biscuits and cups of tea. It’s very different when it’s an all-female group of doctors. Oh, yes – they’re always too busy then!” She wagged her finger again. “And don’t be fooled by Jane and Elizabeth, they are just as bad as the others. They’re all out to bag a doctor if they can.”

  Just then Elizabeth came into the ladies’ and Vivienne went into a fit of giggles.

  “What’s the big joke?” Elizabeth asked.

  “The male doctors,” Vivienne spluttered, swaying on her feet. “I was just saying how all you nurses would just love to bag one for yourselves.”

  Elizabeth rolled her eyes and gave an exaggerated shrug. “Maybe it’s the other way around – maybe the doctors would like to bag a nurse?”

  “Well, you’re all welcome to them,” Sarah stated, “I haven’t the slightest interest in any men.”

  They waited for Elizabeth and then all three went back into the ballroom together. Within minutes they all had offers of dances and Sarah was back on the floor again, this time with a male nurse she had not seen before. He was very chatty and told her that he had been watching her all night from a nearby table and had only plucked up the courage to ask her to dance when she seemed to have disappeared.

  “I kept looking for the lovely blonde hair on the dance floor – it really makes you stand out. You look like Alice in Wonderland.”

  Sarah felt a stab of annoyance at having her hair compared to a little girl’s. People felt they could say absolutely anything about her hair and expect her to not to mind. She ignored the comment and carried on dancing. He then further annoyed her by asking if she would like to go to the pictures with him the following weekend.

  “I’m sorry,” she said quickly, “but I’m much too busy with work and haven’t got time for social outings.”

  Half an hour later she had the same conversation with James Ryder when they were dancing and he asked to take her out to dinner some night. Although she knew she would incur Vivienne’s wrath, she turned him down as well. But she felt she owed him more of an explanation since he worked with her housemates and had been so nice to her over the evening.

  “I’ll be honest with you,” she said as they sat at the table together. “I’ve just broken off an engagement a few months ago, and I’m not ready to start seeing anyone else yet. I’ve also committed myself to a lot of work in the evenings over the next month or two.” She was amazed at how easily the difficult words had tripped off her tongue. Just a few days ago she could never have imagined explaining about her broken engagement to a complete stranger. Nor could she have imagined turning a date down so easily – especially a date with a doctor. She had come a long distance in her life in a short time – particularly with regards to confidence.

  “Okay,” he said. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed but I do understand your reasons.” He leaned over and touched her hand with a finger. “But when you are ready to have a night out, will you let me know?”

  “I will,” she said, smiling back at him. There was no point in snubbing him outright. By the time she was in the situation to consider going on a date, she was sure the handsome doctor would have forgotten all about her. Another round of cocktails was brought to the table and, since she hadn’t drunk for the last hour or so, Sarah chanced another drink. A short while later when she checked the time on her watch, she could see two faces on it and realised it was time to go home.

  “I’m going to get a taxi now,” she told Jane, standing up. As she did so, her head started to spin again. If she drank any more she would be as bad as Vivienne. “If anyone else is ready to go home, then we can go together.”

  “Anna’s gone off to the ladies’,” Jane said, “and she said she was going home very soon.” She craned her neck to check the dance floor. “It seems Elizabeth has caught the eye of one of the medical officers – they’ve been dancing together for the last half an hour. I’ll wait for a while and come back with her and Vivienne.”

  “Where is Vivienne now?” Sarah asked.

  Jane shrugged. “The last time I saw her she was draped over Ben Livingstone. She’ll turn up soon.”

  Sarah lifted her stole and bag. “I’ll go and see if Anna is coming with me and then I’ll check if there are taxis outside.” She went off in the direction of the ladies’, taking care to walk in a straight line and not look the worse for wear. There was a queue for the toilets and as she waited outside for Anna, she saw the attractive woman with the short dark bob coming out. She was suddenly reminded of the fashion designer who had come into the shop the first week she worked there looking for sequins. Sarah thought she was the most elegant woman she had ever seen, and this woman was a similar type. She studied the slim, dark woman for a few minutes. She wouldn’t be surprised if she was a surgeon or a psychiatrist or somebody important like that. Sarah thought that her hair made her look confident and professional – unlike her own hair which drew all the wrong sort of attention. The short style looked easy to manage, and looked as though it would only take half an hour or so for it to dry. It was something she was definitely going to consider.

  Anna came out of the ladies’ room and straight towards her. “Are you ready to go home now?” she asked. “I’ve had a lovely night but my feet are killing me in these shoes.”

  “Yes, I’m ready to go too,” Sarah said, “I’ve had more than enough to drink, and if I stay I’m going to regret it in the morning.�
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  “Me too!” Anna laughed.

  “I’m just going to check if there’s a taxi outside.”

  “I’ve left my wrap at the table,” Anna said. “I’ll meet you back here in a minute.”

  When she went out into the foyer a doorman told her there was a row of taxis just outside the door. She turned back towards the hall to check if Anna was ready when she saw James Ryder coming instead.

  “Jane told me you were going and I couldn’t let you leave without saying a proper goodbye.” He came towards her with his arms held out.

  As he gathered her up in a tight hug, Sarah could feel the warmth of his breath on her neck and could smell the woody spices in his cologne. As she softened in his arms she was suddenly reminded of Con – the smell of the hair cream he used and the slightly salty taste of the skin on his neck. That was the last time a man had held her in his arms.

  James Ryder bent to kiss her gently on the lips. Then he moved back and studied her face for a few moments. “God, you are really beautiful,” he said in a low voice, “and that hair makes you look like a little angel.” Then he gathered her hair up in his hands and suddenly bent to kiss her much harder.

  Sarah immediately froze. She felt herself sway in his tight embrace and then she felt a sense of panic. She pulled away from him, and then, realising he was surprised; she made a pretence of the situation. “I nearly lost my balance there,” she said, laughing brightly. She looked behind him. “Ah, here comes Anna now!”

  “I hope to see you again soon,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

  “It was lovely to meet you,” she said, “but I’ve got to go. I’ve a lot of work to get on with in the morning.”

  He thought for a few moments, then he took a small notebook and a pen out of his inside pocket. “I’ll give you my house number, and you can ring when you have a free night.” He smiled. “Vivienne will keep me up to date with you.”