by Lois Richer
She kissed him once more, a kind of farewell kiss directly on the lips. Then she hurried away, anxious to be alone with memories of the only love she’d ever known. But even after she’d savored them, from the glory of his strong powerful arms around her to the brush of his bristly chin against her skin, to the strong minty flavor of his breath; even as she tucked away the feelings of security he’d given after Mr. Parcet had terrified her, Alicia knew one thing.
Even though Jack would never understand, even though he would see her as undeserving and uncaring if he knew the truth, if she had it to do again, she’d still give away her child to be loved by someone else.
“I feel alone and scared, God,” she whispered, staring at the darkening sky. “There’s no one who would understand why I had to do what I did but You. Take care of Jack and Giselle. And help me find a way to keep Mr. Parcet away.”
Chapter Fourteen
“Good news, Jack.”
Two weeks later his lawyer sounded jubilant on the phone. Jack wished he shared the enthusiasm, but some niggle of worry kept his alert level on high.
“The court has answered the special petition you had me file asking them to open Giselle’s adoption records,” the lawyer continued. “The judge felt that since her mother is dead there’s no reason to keep the file sealed. I received the information and had it couriered to you. It should be delivered today.”
“I just received it. Thanks.” Jack hung up, dazed, slightly off-kilter as he stared at the manila envelope on the table.
So they were finally going to know the truth. Somehow it seemed anticlimactic. All this time he’d feared knowing and now the truth lay in front of him, fresh from the newly arrived train. All he had to do was tear it open. Then he’d know everything.
His old nemesis fear sent a shiver through him. He’d read it first, before—
“Jack?” Alicia stood on the deck, staring at him. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything.” He held up the envelope. “Giselle’s birth history.”
Alicia sat down, watching him but saying nothing.
“I filed a special petition to open her case and the judge agreed.”
“I’m so proud of you for doing that,” she said. “I know how hard it was for you, but I also know how much Giselle wants to know her roots. Are you relieved?” she asked when he didn’t immediately respond.
“Surprised is a better word. It’s happened too fast.” He soaked in the beauty of her face, acknowledging, if only to himself that he’d missed her these past two weeks. She’d gone on another of her stock trips and he’d been on tenterhooks waiting for her return. Thank heaven, Giselle was back at school and didn’t question him too much.
“You look good,” he said quietly. It wasn’t the truth. Alicia looked thin and pale and very worried. The joy had disappeared from her eyes.
“No, I don’t,” she said with a mocking smile. “But thanks for pretending.”
“Parcet bothering you again?” Jack didn’t miss the tiny shudder she gave at the name. “I can—”
“No, I haven’t seen him.” She glanced at him then quickly looked away. “I came to show you something.” She pulled a clipping out of her pocket. “Lucy cut it out of the Winnipeg paper while I was away. She says we both got very good coverage.”
She handed it to him, her hand skittering away when it brushed his. Jack studied her as he took it, but Alicia didn’t look at him. She seemed fixated on something else, something that was troubling her. He had to find out what that was.
“It talks about Tansi and your hotel and us,” she told him. “It even talks about the need for a store like mine in Winnipeg.”
Jack scanned the article and thought how he hated the notion of her leaving. Not seeing her every day was unacceptable.
“That’s your dream,” he said, smiling into her lovely eyes. “Now you can go ahead. Can’t you?”
“Maybe.” She didn’t sound thrilled. She just kept looking at him, staring actually, as if they’d been apart for too long. And they had. Jack had missed her so much.
“Alicia, I want to thank you—”
“Alicia! You’re back.” Giselle bounded up the stairs and swooped down to envelop Alicia in a hug. “Boy, we missed you. Dad’s been like an old grump without you here to cheer him up.”
“I doubt that’s the reason,” Alicia demurred. Not for the first time Jack wondered what had caused her lack of self-confidence. “You look happy. What’s up?”
“Eli and I have decided on a new project,” Giselle announced. “We’re hoping you and Dad will help us,” she said, a twinkle in her eyes. “You work so well together.”
Alicia glanced at Jack. He rolled his eyes and groaned.
“What’s the project?” Alicia asked.
“A tourist center. This town needs one.” Giselle babbled on about the idea.
Jack nodded and murmured approval once in a while, but his attention was fixated on the envelope. He finally slid it toward himself and opened it, perusing the contents. His stomach clenched. His body went icy-cold despite the sun’s warmth.
He carefully folded the documents and stuffed them back inside.
“What’s that?” Giselle poked at the envelope.
“As I was telling Alicia, I just received your birth history, Giselle.”
Jack noted the way Alicia touched her shoulder, offering comfort and support.
Alicia had become like a mom for his daughter, supportive, nurturing. Jack hoped she’d support him now, because he needed time to ease into this.
“Really, Daddy?” Giselle’s dark eyes glowed with excitement.
“Remember I told you your birth mom had died?” he said carefully.
Giselle nodded. “You mean I’ll finally know why she gave me up?” She grinned, narrowing her gaze. “Maybe my birth father died and she couldn’t go on without him so she died of a broken heart. Or maybe…” The romantic dreams continued but Jack could hardly bear to listen.
“Aren’t you going to tell her what’s in there?” Alicia asked in a very soft voice, leaning close so Giselle wouldn’t overhear.
Reluctantly he removed the papers.
“Maybe you should read them first, Alicia. You’d be able to soften things for her.” Jack held the neatly typed report toward Alicia. “You’ll be able to find the right words,” he said, trying to express his plea for help.
“I don’t think it’s any of my business, Jack.” Alicia backed away. “I think I should leave.”
Jack rose, went to her.
“Please help me,” he whispered for her ears alone. “Please. I don’t think I can do this on my own. If you read the first page you’ll understand why.”
He didn’t understand the odd look on her face, or the way she glanced at the papers as if she hadn’t a clue what they said. He didn’t know why she closed her eyes or chose that moment to whisper a prayer. All he knew was that it was right to have Alicia here. She belonged with them.
“What’s wrong?” Giselle demanded, finally emerging from her happily-ever-after dream.
“Your dad asked me to read this,” Alicia said. Then to Jack’s horror she held the folded papers out to Giselle. “But that’s not right. It’s your life, your history. You should read what it says.”
“No,” he yelled, but Alicia shook her head.
“Her mother made a very hard choice when she gave up Giselle,” Alicia whispered. Her cheeks paled. “I think Giselle deserves the right to know why.”
Giselle studied the documents. Jack wanted to rip them from her hands and burn them. Why had he given them to Alicia? Hadn’t she read anything? How could she be so cavalier?
He heard Giselle gasp and knew the worst was about to happen.
“My mother got pregnant with me after—” Giselle gasped, hesitated. “She was attacked by a family friend,” she whispered.
Alicia’s audible gasp showed her shock and proved she hadn’t read a word. Why? He’d thought her the most caring woman
in the world. What a mistake.
“She t-told her parents,” Giselle continued, her confidence visibly shaken. “But they denied it, called her a liar and sent her away. They said she couldn’t come home unless she had an…abortion. Oh, Daddy.” Huge tears flooded Giselle’s face as she gazed at him.
Jack thought his heart would rip out of his body at her pain.
“I was a mistake. My own grandparents wanted to—” She couldn’t repeat the ugly word. She stared at the papers as if they were venomous snakes. “Alicia?”
But though Alicia’s mouth opened, she couldn’t speak. She stared at him. “I’m sorry,” she finally whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“What good is that?” Jack demanded, furious with her. He flung an arm around Giselle’s shoulder and hugged her close. “Read it all,” he told her gently. “Then we’ll put it away and forget it.”
“Forget it?” She shook her head as she read further. “Daddy, how am I supposed to forget that I’m the product of an attack? How do I forget that she agreed to my adoption on the condition that you and Mom never search for her as long as she lived? How do I forget she died when I was two, on the streets?” she wailed. “I’m a mistake!”
“No you’re not, sweetheart. You were never a mistake. You were the best thing that ever happened to us.”
But Giselle wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t be consoled. “Honey, I know you dreamed it would be different, but—”
“Leave me alone!” Giselle threw the papers on the floor, then raced out of the room.
The silence in the room cut so deep, it hurt. Jack turned on Alicia.
He’d lost his daughter and it was her fault.
*
Alicia’s heart ached for Jack’s loss. Another part cringed, knowing she deserved his anger. Why couldn’t she read?
“Giselle needs time to deal with this, Jack,” she whispered. “It’s better for her to know the truth than to try to keep it from her.”
“Is it?” His lips curled.
“God will heal her pain. She just needs time.” It sounded weak even in her own ears. And it did nothing to alleviate the pain she saw roiling in his eyes. Her heart ached to erase it but she’d lost that chance. Because she’d been so sure she had the answers.
“Did you even bother to read one sentence?” he asked, his voice forlorn.
“No.” This was the time for honesty. Alicia shook her head.
“Why not? Why did you think I asked you to read it? The first line should have alerted you to the potential damage this could do.” He picked the paper off the floor and shook it at her.
“I didn’t read it, Jack,” Alicia whispered. “Because I can’t read.”
“What?” He looked at her in disbelief. “You run a business…”
“Which Lucy helps with. She and some friends helped me fill out the loan papers, do the books, all the things I can’t do.” Alicia took pity on his confusion. She’d hurt him too much. Better to be up front and face the disgust she knew she’d see in his face when he knew the truth. “I’m good at faking it, Jack. It was easy in my village. Later, when I was sent to Vancouver it got much harder but I faked my way through, used my government allowance to pay people to do my homework, let them put me in a slower track. I did whatever I had to in order to survive.”
She saw the loathing creep in like a storm cloud, darkening his face. That’s when she knew that he could never love her. Men like him, strong, independent men who were on top of their game, didn’t fall for women who were easily conned by men like Jeremy Parcet. He’d be ashamed of her, embarrassed for her to know his friends. Not that she’d ever meet them. Jack was a proud man. He wouldn’t want a girlfriend who couldn’t even read.
How had she ever imagined he could care for her?
“It doesn’t make sense.” He was clearly thinking back. “The library—you ordered those books.”
“I gave them your list,” she reminded him, glancing at her watch.
“You can tell time.”
“I learned to tell time and very basic arithmetic from my friends. They own a learning center in Vancouver. Nancy and Harold helped me get off the street, got me some good people to teach me the basics to live on my own. Lately Lucy’s been trying to teach me to read but I’m lousy at it.” She scrounged up a smile. “She thinks I’m dyslexic. That’s why I can’t read.”
Alicia knew then that she could never tell him about her baby. He’d despise her even more; probably think the worst of her, as Mr. Parcet had said. Maybe he’d even believe she deserved what had happened. She couldn’t take that. Some secrets had to be kept. For now.
“I’m so sorry I hurt Giselle,” she whispered. “I care about her. And you. I only wanted the two of you to be happy.”
Jack’s lips tightened but he said nothing.
“I think I know where she’s gone. I’ll find her and bring her home. Don’t worry, Jack.” With one last look of longing at him, Alicia left.
She set off toward the sod house, knowing that was where Giselle would run. The young girl loved romantic images of the past. Alicia envied her. How she wished she could recapture her own innocence. But that was gone. Now she was alone.
Worse, she still hadn’t found her son. Had Mr. Parcet?
But worst of all, Jack loathed her, was embarrassed by her. He’d never want anything to do with her again. Once more the memories of those few minutes he’d comforted her in the church filled her senses. He’d been so caring, so gentle. So loving.
Must I give Jack up, too, Lord?
Yes. The only thing this wonderful man wanted was his daughter. She would help Jack regain his most precious possession.
And then Alicia would be alone with only a memory of love.
Chapter Fifteen
Jack followed Alicia at a distance. When she went inside the sod house, he moved to the side and stood beside the small window, feeling guilty about listening in but determined to check on his baby girl.
“Are you okay, Giselle?” Alicia asked quietly.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be okay,” his daughter answered in a muffled tone. “It’s horrible, ugly. It’s not the story I wanted.”
“Why not? It’s clear your mother loved you very much.” Alicia spoke in a calm, soothing voice.
“How do you know?” Was that hope in his daughter’s voice?
“She must have, because she didn’t have an abortion. Instead she ran away, gave up her whole family just so she could have you. Then she gave you up because she wanted you to have a full, rich life. That sounds like a mother who loved you very much.” Alicia paused.
“I don’t know. It’s just so sad.”
“It is, isn’t it? But sometimes God uses sad things.”
Jack wondered if he should go inside. He decided to wait and let Alicia talk.
After a moment she said, “Can I tell you a story?”
“I guess.” Giselle sniffed.
“I knew a girl once. She tried very hard to be a good girl but some bad things happened to her, and, like your mom, she got pregnant when she was very young. It wasn’t her fault. She was attacked. Anyway, she had her baby, a little boy. He was so precious, with amazing fingers and toes. He made these little cooing sounds when she touched his face.” Alicia stopped, her voice brimming with emotion. “He was the most precious thing she’d ever seen and she loved him with all her heart.”
Jack frowned. The story sounded so…personal.
“But this girl knew she wasn’t good enough to keep her baby and be his mother. She didn’t know anything about being a mother. Besides, she couldn’t give him a nice home, or toys or enough food to eat. In fact, she had nothing to give this baby. Nothing but love.”
“So what did she do?” Giselle asked.
“She signed papers so he could be adopted by people who would love and take care of him, who would teach him how to be a child of God. And then she never saw him again. She wished many times that she could know he was all right, that he was loved,
that he would know she never regretted having him. But she gave him away.”
Jack could hear the tears in Alicia’s voice and they wrenched at his heart so badly he longed to hold her in his arms and soothe them away. Who was she talking about?
“Do you think she was a good mom, Giselle?” Alicia asked.
“I think she was the best mom that boy could have. She put him first.” Giselle sniffed. “It was you, wasn’t it, Alicia? You were the baby’s mom.”
“Yes. I loved him so much.”
Stunned by what he’d heard, Jack remained frozen in place. Alicia was a mother. She’d had a child she’d given up.
And yet, Alicia Featherstone was love. She lived it. She breathed it.
After a while Jack realized that no one was talking. He peeked in the window. Alicia, eyes closed, was holding Giselle in her arms. She would have been a perfect mother. She didn’t sidestep hard issues. Instead, she confronted them and worked through the problem.
No one could pity Alicia Featherstone. Nothing had stopped her from rebuilding her life, from giving back to her community and every tourist who came through her store. He knew more clearly than he ever had that Giselle was safe in her hands.
Quietly Jack crept away. He found himself heading to the church, where he spent a long time asking God for help.
Alicia had been right. No matter how he phrased it, he could not have protected Giselle from her past. But he could be there for her whenever she needed his help.
Dare Jack trust God enough to trust Him with his heart?
*
Alicia was walking Giselle out of the sod house when a shadow darkened the doorway. Expecting Jack, she looked up. Instead Mr. Parcet loomed there.
Fear turned her blood cold.
“Your time is up, Alicia,” he snarled as he grabbed her arm. “Now I’m going to tell the town all about you, unless you tell me where the kid is.”
“You’ll never know,” she spat out. He jerked her forward, holding her wrists.
At that moment Giselle jumped toward him and yelled, “Let her go.” She tugged at him.
Mr. Parcet slapped her away, knocking her off balance. Giselle stumbled on the uneven floor and toppled over, hitting her head on the corner of the homemade washstand she’d insisted on including.