by Bella Jewel
Chantelle.
I know he’s going to say Chantelle.
“Chantelle,” I whisper.
“Care a fuck of a lot about her, Penny. Problem is, care a fuck of a lot about you, too. Situation is fuckin’ with my head. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to ruin the two best women I’ve ever met. Makin’ it hard. All of this is makin’ it hard. Told her to stay away, watched the pain in her eyes, but she took it, and it hurt her. Already hurt more than I should. Now you ...”
“I understand,” I say softly.
Because I do.
God, I do.
I respect the hell out of him for being honest, even though hearing him say he cares about Chantelle hurts a lot more than I’m willing to admit.
I still respect him for it.
He runs his hands through his hair again and murmurs, “Goin’ to sleep. Meant what I said, you can stay here as long as you need. Sorry ... about all this. It’s doin’ my fuckin’ head in. Don’t like hurtin’ people.”
I smile at him, but even I can feel it wobbles. “No problem. I understand, I really do.”
He stares at me.
Then nods.
And then he’s gone.
And I’m a hell of a lot more confused than I was when I woke up this morning.
Everything feels like it’s just going to crap.
And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
~10~
NOW – BOSTON
“Know you’re scared, Nerissa, but right here, where you are, it’s safe. It’s the best place to be, for you and your child.”
She stares at me, Maverick’s girl, eyes wide and scared. Both hands are clutching her stomach, and she’s got a million thoughts running through her mind. I can see that, and I’m doing my best to try and calm her down. Promised Maverick I wouldn’t let her out of my sight. He knows how flighty she is. He knows she doesn’t deal with this life on a good day, let alone now.
If I’m being honest, I don’t know why he picked her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful and sweet and a fucking great woman. But she’s sensitive, and weak, and the club life scares her. She wants no part in it, but Maverick ... It’s his world, and nothing is ever going to change that. Not completely sure how they’re ever going to make it long term, especially with a child.
She’ll be scared, all the time.
Like she is right now.
“He’s in danger out there,” she stammers. “I know he is. I should have never done this. I should have run, made him come with me. I should have made him make a choice, me and our child, or the club. This life is dangerous. He’ll never be safe.”
“Nerissa,” I say, kneeling in front of her, trying to get her to look at me. “This is his world. He’s not goin’ to run from it. You knew that when you got together with him.”
Her eyes hold mine. “He has a baby on the way. He loves me. Things are different now.”
She doesn’t understand the club. She doesn’t get it. Once you’re in, you’re in. Malakai isn’t the kind of man that wouldn’t let Maverick go. Hell, they’re brothers, of course he would, but that isn’t what Maverick wants. The club runs in his blood. It’s everything to him. It is him. It’s all of us. You don’t just get up and leave.
“Listen,” I say to her, grabbing her shoulders, “you’re freaking out, and that’s understandable. But Maverick knows what he’s doing. This isn’t something that happens all the time, hell, it’s a first since I’ve been here. The club life, it isn’t always dangerous. You gotta know that.”
She laughs, but it’s broken. “We both know that’s not true, Boston. Most of the time, what happens is legal, I get that. But you and I both know, the rest of the time you’re messing with illegal things. Eventually, those things catch up on you. It’s dangerous, at some point, it’s going to explode. Always. Even if it is only every few years. And lives get destroyed because of that. My child ... I don’t want him or her to have to look at me with broken eyes, when Maverick doesn’t come home.”
She makes a point. Not gonna lie about that, but she fails to remember life is dangerous. Hell, it’s fucking deadly on the best of days. Yeah, we occasionally have to mess with things we don’t want to, to protect ourselves and our turf, but we’re smart about it. We try and stay out of the crossfire.
“Know you’re scared, and when this is over, you can talk to Maverick about that. But right now, I promised to keep you safe.”
“I don’t want to talk to him about it after the fact, Boston,” she cries. “I want him out of it now, before he gets into trouble, before he hurts himself, before he doesn’t come home. I want him out now!”
“Listen to me ...”
“No,” she cries. “No, I won’t listen. He’s not safe. Nobody is. I don’t want this life. He’ll leave for me, if I ask him to. He will. You just need to let me go to him.”
“Can’t do that.”
Her eyes well with tears, and I hate it. I hate that I’m holding her back, but there is nothing I can do.
I made a promise to Maverick to keep her safe, no matter what.
And that’s what I’m going to do.
No matter what.
“Yo.”
I flinch, and the memory flitters from my mind.
I used to think about it ten, twenty, hell even thirty times a day.
It isn’t as bad now. But it’s still there, always fucking there, lingering, haunting me. Reminding me that I failed. That I let a brother down. That I ruined his life.
And sure, he has a good woman now, and he’s happy, and things are semi-normal.
But there is still hatred in his depths. There is still disappointment in his eyes when he looks at me.
Because I’m the reason his lady and his child are dead.
I took that from him.
And I have to live with that, every day.
I glance at Malakai, trying to push the fucking thoughts from my mind, and bring myself back to now.
But things are fucked right now, everything is fucking hard. Complicated. Confusing.
And I don’t like it.
Not one fucking bit.
“What’s goin’ down?” I ask him, standing and crossing my arms. “Any further word on where Ashton might be?”
Malakai shakes his head. “No, but we’ll find him.”
“Seems like it never fuckin’ ends,” I mutter. “All the shit.”
“Sometimes that’s club life, brother.”
“Yeah,” I mutter, staring at nothing in particular. “It’s why a lot of people don’t choose this life.”
“You thinkin’ about Nerissa again, aren’t you?”
I look to the President of the club, and overall, my best friend. Malakai has pulled me from some serious shit, and I don’t know where I’d be without him. The club, saved my fucking life. Hell, he saved my fucking life. When Maverick left after Nerissa died, he had my back, a hundred and ten percent. He never blamed me. He always made sure my place in the club was there. Owe him a fucking lot for that.
“Can see why she was so scared, sometimes. This life, it feels like it never fuckin’ ends.”
“I know what you’re sayin’,” Malakai nods, pulling out a cigarette and offering me one. I take it, light it, and inhale deeply. “Goes through rough patches. Can have years of good, and years of bad, and then years of good again. The life we signed up to live. It’s what we do.”
“Yeah.” I nod. “Yeah, and I wouldn’t change it, but fuck, feels like right now we’re livin’ in a constant state of fuckin’ turmoil. Drugs, and people, and angry fuckers wantin’ to take us down. Fuck knows what we’re about to step into with Slater, just a never endin’ circle.”
“Feel you.” Malakai nods. “But we got back up when it comes to Slater. And Ashton is fuck all, Boston. We’ll take him down without blinkin’. Shit’s comin’ good. Gotta know that.”
He’s right.
It is.
I’m being a fucking dramatic little fuck.
“
Not all that’s wrong, though, is it?”
“What is this?” I ask him, smirking. “Therapy session. Thought we were bikers. We don’t do feelings, Malakai.”
He snorts. “Just askin’ you to fill me in, not cry about it.”
I chuckle. “Wasn’t plannin’ on cryin’ about it.”
“So, you goin’ to fill me in? Guessin’ it’s got to do with two very pretty, very different ladies.”
He can say that again.
“You’d be right,” I mutter.
“You fuckin’ them both?”
I shoot him a glare. “Not a fuckin’ dick, man.”
He grins at me. “Know that. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is, I want them both. And they’re good women. And fucked if I need to be getting involved with one, let alone two girls. I told them both I’m goin’ to stay away.”
“But you can’t.”
I grind my teeth. “Well, I fuckin’ can, but it’s provin’ to be fuckin’ hard. Never thought I’d find myself in this position. Two women, both of them sparkin’ somethin’ inside of me, somethin’ I need more than fuckin’ air.”
“And you can’t decide which breath you need more.”
I roll my eyes. “That was fuckin’ poetic, man.”
He smirks. “Just tryin’ out somethin’ different.”
I snort.
“Ever think spendin’ more time with both, will help you decide which one you need more.”
“All that’ll do, brother, is break someone’s heart.”
Malakai nods. “Well then, I’ve got nothing for you.”
“You and me both,” I mutter.
“Callin’ Church in ten, you comin’?”
“I don’t get a choice, remember?”
He grins and slaps my shoulder. “Got your back, always. Never forget that.”
That felt good.
Fucking good, for that matter.
~*~*~*~
BOSTON
“How’s Chantelle?” I ask Saskia, inhaling my cigarette.
I’m sittin’ on the back porch at Mason’s house, drinking and smoking, washing the fucking shitty week away. Saskia just waltzed out, looking sassy and fucking fine, as always. The words came out of my mouth before I could even stop them, and judging by the sarcastic look she’s giving me right about now, she doesn’t appreciate my asking.
“How do you think?” she mutters, walking over and flopping down onto Mason’s lap.
“Not tryin’ to be a dick here, Saskia. Just askin’ how she is.”
“She’s great, because Chantelle is a damned warrior and it takes a lot more than a man to bring her down.”
Mason squeezes Saskia’s knee. “Easy, babe.”
“I’m just saying,” she points out, innocently. “Chantelle, she’s worth it. She’s worth her weight in gold. Any man in her life should see that. She doesn’t deserve to be put second, not ever.”
“Not puttin’ her second,” I grunt. “Not puttin’ either of them anywhere.”
“No, you’re not, which I appreciate as I’m sure they do. But, you have to know, it should never be a choice when it comes to the person you’re with. The fact that it is says neither one of them means enough to you.”
Fuck her.
“Sure you’ve found yourself in a conflictin’ situation before, where your feelings didn’t make sense.”
Low blow.
But fuck her, she deserves it. She can throw them out, so can I.
Mason growls. “Enough, man, that’s enough.”
“She wants to throw it out, bro, she can take it back. She, out of everyone, should understand how the fuck it feels to be in a situation you don’t wanna be in, feelin’ things you don’t wanna be feelin’. At least, at the very fuckin’ least, I had the decency to tell both the girls how I was feelin’. Never led them along.”
Saskia stares at me, and Mason goes to open his mouth to argue, but she cuts him off. “No, you’re right. You are right. You have been honest with them. I’m just protective of my best friend, as I’m sure you can understand.”
I nod, holding her eyes. “Never intentionally hurt her, I’m not that man.”
She nods, smiling at me. “No, I know you’re not. Sorry, I’ve just had a long day.”
“You and me both,” I mutter.
“And Boston?”
I look at her.
“She is good. She’s strong. She’s going to be just fine.”
Not sure that makes me feel better, or fucking worse. Can’t get the girl off my mind, can’t figure out what in the hell I’m doing right now. All I know is that I can’t seem to escape the fucking mess I’ve gotten myself into.
Saskia’s phone rings, and she glances down. “Speak of the devil. I’m going to take this.”
She gets up and walks off.
And my mind walks off with her. Wondering what Chantelle is doing, and if she’s okay.
Fuck, I’m whipped.
By two women.
Not classy at fucking all.
~11~
NOW – CHANTELLE
“Chantelle!”
I look over, key about to hit the front lock, and see my neighbor Roy waving and rushing over. He’s only about twenty, maybe twenty-one, but he’s a great neighbor. He’s always quiet. Definitely not the partying type. More the geeky type. Which makes it an absolute pleasure to live next door to him.
“Hey! Roy,” I smile, turning to face him. “What’s up?”
He stops in front of me, dark hair falling over his forehead. He takes a breath, then another, before looking to me through those thick, dark framed glasses. “I don’t know if it’s a thing, or not, but there were two men at your front door today. They were playing with the lock, leaning down, peering through your front window. It seemed ... strange. Like really out of place. They might have been friends of yours, but I didn’t get that vibe. I thought you should know.”
I furrow my brows together, getting an uneasy feeling. Let’s face it, Enzo is going to get his revenge on me. I completely and utterly screwed him over and set some pretty nasty people on his trail. He’s going to make sure I suffer for that, there’s no doubt about it. I was just kind of hoping maybe he’d forgotten about it. Turns out, that isn’t the case. At least, it certainly doesn’t seem like it is.
“Were they wearing dark jackets, leather?”
A futile hope that it was someone from the club looking for me while I was at work.
Roy shakes his head. “No, they weren’t the biker friends of yours. I’ve seen them.”
Great. Just perfect.
“Did you see if they got in? Left anything? Did anything?”
I don’t feel okay about this. I feel incredibly damned uneasy, come to think of it. I don’t like knowing that people have been at my place when I’m not here. Which means they’re looking for me. That’s not a comforting feeling when I live alone.
“No, they didn’t get in. I only saw them for a few minutes, I’m not sure how long they were there. I made a point of walking out of my front door, slamming it really loudly. They straightened up and left, acting like they weren’t doing anything, when it was completely obvious they were.”
“Thanks,” I say. “Can you tell me what they looked like?”
“One was bald, tall, really big. The other one was blond, skinny. I didn’t get a good look, I’m sorry.”
“Completely okay,” I say, reaching out and grabbing his shoulder. “I appreciate it. Thanks.”
He nods, smiles, and disappears. I unlock my front door, a lot more hesitantly this time. I step inside, peering around. Then I take a step forward, and hear the sound of paper crackling beneath my feet. I glance down and see a white slip of paper, folded neatly, shoved just under my door. My heart jumps into my throat, and I glance around again, eyes darting about.
Is someone in here? Or did those men just leave this note?
I reach down and pick up the note, bringing it up and reading the words written in
side.
You owe me. I’ll get what I am entitled to. You should have thought twice before betraying me.
Enzo.
I’m not stupid.
And I also don’t feel safe.
I pull out my phone and dial Saskia, hoping she’s with Mason. I’m not going to turn to anyone else, but I know they’ll help me. I mean, it is her ex, after all. And they’ve only just finished dealing with him, but we all had a suspicion it wasn’t over. He’s probably got more hell on his back then he can handle right now. Most of that is because of me. He owes a lot of money, and because of me, he has a lot of pissed off people looking for him, wanting money that was promised, and never delivered.
“Hey, chicky,” Saskia says, answering the phone. “How are you?”
“Sas, listen, I need you and Mason to come over here. If you don’t mind. I’ll explain when you get here.”
“Are you okay?”
Her voice is concerned, which I understand. I’m worried, and I know she can hear that.
“Yeah, I’m okay, but can you come soon, please?”
“I’m with Mason now, we’ll be there soon.”
I hang up, but I don’t move from the front door. I just stare around the room. I don’t know if I’m alone, and I’m sure as shit not stupid enough to go searching to find out. At least at the front door, I can run out if I need. So, that’s where I stand, watching out, waiting, wondering if someone is about to launch out and shoot me.
I really should get a gun.
Why in the hell don’t I have a gun?
Fifteen long minutes later, the knock at the door has me launching forward. I turn around quickly and open it, and feel my face instantly scrunch up. Mason, Saskia and freaking Boston are standing at my door.
“Sorry,” Saskia says. “He was at Mason’s, he wasn’t letting us come alone.”
I meet Boston’s eyes, and he holds mine. My heart flutters. Damn you heart, we don’t want him. We don’t. Calm down.
“What’s goin’ on?” Mason asks.
I drag my eyes away from Boston and look to Mason. I hand him the piece of paper. “My neighbor told me that two men were snooping around my front door today, when I wasn’t here. I found this shoved under it.”