Me, please

by Bella Jewel

  “Back the fuck down,” I bark, stepping forward.

  He waves the gun and screams, “Step closer, I’ll blow your fucking head off.”

  Jesus.

  Christ.

  The front door opens, and Penny steps out, her hands up in front of her, trembling. She looks to me, and her eyes are scared.

  “Get back inside that house,” I growl.

  She shakes her head and looks to Ashton. “What do you want, Ashton? Put the gun down, and we’ll talk.”

  Ashton throws his head back and laughs. “How fucking stupid do you think I am? There will be no talking. Give me what I want, and I’ll leave.”

  “Just put the gun down.”

  I take a step forward, and Ashton turns the gun on Penny. “You fucking come any closer, and I’ll blow her pretty face all of this patio.”

  “Ashton, please,” Penny says, her voice trembling.

  “Penny, go the fuck inside,” I order.

  “You move,” Ashton smirks. “And you die. Now, get me the cash I want, and I’ll leave. It’s that simple. No blood needs to be shed. Wasn’t enough in that fuckin’ safe. I need more.”

  “I don’t ... I don’t have any money,” she whispers. “You took everything I had.”

  Ashton’s face gets red. “You fucking liar! The insurance you would have got on the house would be in by now. Don’t you fuckin’ lie and tell me you don’t have anything. Give me the keys to that car, and I’ll sell it today. I need that fuckin’ cash right now, or I’m a dead man, do you fuckin’ understand me?”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll give you the keys.”

  “You fuckin’ will not,” I growl.

  “Get. Me. The. Keys.” Ashton warns, pointing the gun at her. “Now, Penelope.”

  She stares at me, then looks back to Ashton. “Maybe we can—”

  He aims the gun at her leg, and he shoots. I’ll never fucking forget the sound of her screams. I’ll never forget them for as long as I live. She drops to the ground, blood pouring, I can hear Cassie screaming out from inside. I see red. Everything inside me switches off, and I see red. I won’t watch another person die. I will fuckin’ not.

  I aim my gun at his knee cap and I pull the trigger. He roars in pain, tumbling backwards and hitting the deck. I move without thought, my entire body prickling with a rage I’ve suppressed for so fucking long. I reach him, and haul him up, driving a fist into his face. Over and fucking over again, I drive my fist into every inch of him it can make contact with. Blood spurts, bones crack, and he becomes limp in my arms, but I don’t fuckin’ stop. I don’t stop, I just keep hitting him, over and over, until Cassie’s screams fill my ears, penetrating my hazed state.

  “Boston!” she screams. “Boston stop!”

  Punch.

  Punch.

  Punch.

  “Boston please, stop!”

  Penelope.

  Her voice is frantic. The man in my grasps is limp, and I know, I know before his body hits the ground, he has no life left in his body. When his body hits the deck, I can barely see his face, it’s so covered in blood and mangled. His eyes are open, blood running from his mouth. And I’m panting, just staring down at him, and I can feel nothing.

  Absolutely fucking nothing.

  “Oh God,” Cassie cries. “Oh God. Penelope.”

  Penny.

  I spin around and see her on the ground, staring at me, tears running down her cheeks, her eyes wide with both pain and horror. She’s clutching her leg, trembling all over, and she’s losing a lot of blood. I move quickly, tearing my jacket off and then pulling my shirt over my head and dropping to my knees beside her, wrapping it around her leg.

  “Got to get her to a hospital,” I growl to Cassie.

  “A-A-A-Ashton, you ... oh God,” Penny whimpers. “Boston, what have you done?”

  I turn and stare at the lifeless body on the ground.

  What the fuck have I done?

  ~19~

  NOW – PENELOPE

  I can’t make it stop.

  I can’t unsee it.

  The way he just kept hitting him, even when his body became lifeless, he just kept hitting him, over and over, not letting up, dragging every last inch of his life from him. I clench my eyes shut, trying to push it out, but I can’t. I can’t. I’ll never unsee that image. Never, not for a damned second.

  I don’t know that man.

  I don’t want to know that man.

  “How are you feeling?”

  My eyes pop open and I see a nurse smiling down at me, chart in her hand. I had to have surgery on my leg, to remove the bullet. The police have been in and out, asking questions, Malakai assured me they’ll deal with it, and told me to say nothing except that I got hit by a drive by shooting. That happens a lot. They seemed to accept it, though I’m sure they’re going to look deeper into it.

  I haven’t seen Boston since.

  Malakai told me they’ve dealt with Ashton, and it will not come back on me.

  But that doesn’t matter.

  He’s dead.

  Boston killed him. In cold blood. In a rage.

  My bottom lip trembles.

  “Miss?” the nurse asks. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  “How is the pain?”

  “It’s dealable.”

  “Okay, I’m going to run some checks and then I’ll let you rest. You have a visitor.”

  She runs the checks, and then leaves the room. A moment later, Amalie comes in. The moment I see her, I start to cry. I cry because I am feeling everything and nothing, all at the same time. I’m so incredibly overwhelmed I can hardly breathe.

  I can’t.

  She rushes over, and climbs into the bed beside me, wrapping her tiny arms around mine and hugging me tight.

  “It’s okay,” she whispers. “It’ll all be okay.”

  “He killed him,” I whisper between sobs. “He just ... killed him.”

  “I know, honey,” she soothes. “I know, but that man was going to kill you.”

  I shake my head, and Amalie pulls back, looking down at me. “He shot you, he would have done it again. He was out of his mind. He was willing to do whatever it took to get the money, and eventually, that would have been your life. I know he was your ex-husband, but you don’t know that person anymore. He was a monster, he was unwell, and he was too far gone in debts.”

  “Boston killed him.”

  Amalie nods. “Yeah, I know.”

  “Right there, like it was nothing.”

  Amalie exhales and squeezes my hand. “That’s what the club does sometimes, it’s part of their world, I’ve seen things I don’t like. I’ve seen Malakai in states that scared me, too. But, he’d never hurt me. But, sweetheart, they’re a club. They’re bikers. That’s ... part of who they are.”

  I hiccup. “I know that, but it isn’t part of who I am. I can’t ... I can never unsee what I saw today. I’ll never look at him the same again.”

  Amalie looks sad for me. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

  Because what else is she supposed to say?

  She can accept it. She can accept all of who Malakai is. The good, the bad, the ugly. Because she loves him so deeply.

  I can’t accept that.

  I can’t accept that side of Boston.

  I can’t, and I won’t.

  The reality is harsh, and it breaks my heart, because I know he’s so much good. But the moment I saw him beat another man to death, I realized I need all good. Not just a whole heap of it. I need a man that’s kind, and gentle, and strong, and that man isn’t part of a club. And that man isn’t Boston.

  My heart breaks.

  It literally feels like it’s splitting in two.

  Because I do care about him.

  And I do want him in my life.

  But I realize like it has been obvious all along, that his life, is not the life I want.

  It scares me.

  And today, he scared me.

&nbs
p; I’m not the girl for him.

  I’m simply not strong enough.

  “Are you okay?” Amalie asks.

  I nod, and a tear runs down my cheek, a tear for the man I was falling for, who I suddenly realized is not the man for me. “I guess,” I whisper. “It hurts, Amalie. It hurts, but ... I can’t be with him. I don’t want this life.”

  Amalie nods, and squeezes my hand. “And that’s your choice.”

  “But I care about him, so much, you know?”

  “I know you do, and you can still do that. He adores you. Cassie adores you. They’re your family, but it doesn’t mean you have to be with him.”

  “How do you do it?” I ask her, holding her eyes. “How do you look past Malakai’s demons, and just see all the good in him.”

  She smiles. “Because he’s the reason I breathe, and the reason I take every single step forward. And sometimes, sometimes I think you have to feel that, to truly accept who they are. Without cause, without judgement, you have to look at them as a whole and just love them for everything they are. And it’s okay if you can’t, it’s okay.”

  Another tear rolls down my cheek.

  “You need to rest,” she says, hugging me tight again. “I’ll stay here while you do.”

  “Amalie ...”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think he’ll ever forgive me for deciding he’s just not enough?”

  She squeezes me again. “Yes, of course, because he’s your family. And family don’t give up on each other.”

  I hope she’s right.

  I really, really hope she’s right.

  ~*~*~*~

  PENELOPE

  “You good?” Malakai asks me, studying my face.

  I’m staying with him and Amalie until I’m better, and then I’ll talk to Boston and decide what to do with Cassie. Amalie told me he’s got another carer for her, until I’m better, but other than that, we haven’t spoken. I haven’t wanted to see him. I just ... I just can’t right now. I don’t know what to say, or feel, or do.

  I just don’t know anything anymore.

  “I will be,” I say, shifting to get in a more comfortable position on their sofa.

  “You spoken to Boston?”

  I flinch at the sound of his name, and Malakai’s eyes flash.

  “No,” I whisper. “And I don’t want to.”

  Exhaling, Malakai sits down beside me, and I suddenly feel so tiny in his presence. “Listen, I know what you saw was fucked up. Don’t get me wrong, I know it and I can imagine how it felt. But Boston, he ain’t no monster. He’s been to hell and back in his life, and he was doing anything he could to make sure you kept your life. He took it too far, but fuck, haven’t we all.”

  “I understand that, Malakai, I do, but I can’t ... I just can’t accept it. I can’t ever see him the same. You weren’t there, you didn’t see it. He just kept hitting him, over and over, like he could see and feel nothing else.”

  “That’s because he couldn’t,” Malakai says, holding my eyes. “That’s because he lost his shit, and he’s going to have to live with that. He knows that. He’s fucked up over it. Hasn’t spoken a fuckin’ word for days. You gotta know, he’d never hurt you.”

  That makes my heart clench, because I don’t want him to drown in anymore demons. He’s lived with enough. He doesn’t deserve more. But right now, I can’t be what he needs to get through that.

  “I know he’d never hurt me,” I say softly. “I know that. But you have to know ... I know what my life is, and isn’t, and unfortunately, this life isn’t what I want. Does that make me so bad?”

  Malakai shakes his head. “Fuck no it doesn’t, but don’t punish him for it, yeah? You’ve made your choice, respect the hell out of you for doin’ it, but forgive him. Please fuckin’ forgive him. That man can’t live with more blood on his hands.”

  My heart twists.

  “I’m not ready.”

  He nods. “When you are, make sure he knows it. Even if it’s the last thing you ever say to him, I’m fuckin’ beggin’ you, make sure he knows it.”

  I swallow and nod carefully.

  I don’t want Boston to live with this, I really don’t, but right now I’m not ready to get past it. I still shut my eyes and see it, over and over, I just see it and it burns. It burns my damned soul. I can’t live with that, not right now. Maybe one day I can, but right now, I just can’t.

  “Rest up, take care, and don’t worry about any of it. Club has it covered. Amalie and Scarlett are onto gettin’ your furniture so you can move back home.”

  “Cassie, is she ... okay?”

  Malakai nods. “She’s doin’ okay. Worried about you. Worried about her brother. And scared, but she’s okay.”

  I nod, rubbing my arms.

  “Put your demons to bed, Penelope,” Malakai says, standing. “Don’t let them eat you alive. Because they will.”

  With that, he walks out.

  And I turn and just stare out the window.

  Will these demons leave me? Or am I going to forever see the moment my ex-husband took his last breath, as the man I thought I was falling for, dragged the life out of him?

  Will I ever stop seeing that?

  My heart aches and I lay down, curling onto my side, my leg throbbing. A tear runs down my cheek, followed by another, and then I just sob. I cry and cry until there is nothing left. I think about Cassie. I think about Boston. I think about the club. I think about Ashton. I let it all replay in my head until I’m exhausted and can’t cry anymore tears.

  I don’t want to lose the club, or Boston, or Cassie. They’re my family, and without them, I’d not be where I am.

  But their world, it scares me. It scares me more than I ever could have imagined. Can I live both? Can I keep working with Cassie, be friends with Boston, and yet keep myself away from it completely?

  Or am I fooling myself into believing that I’m ever going to be okay after seeing what I saw? My ex-husband is dead. He’s gone. He didn’t deserve that. He was sick and unwell, but he didn’t deserve to die.

  My house, it’s tarnished.

  Everything in my life right now, feels ... broken.

  Maybe the best thing for everyone, including me, is if I just say goodbye to it all, forgive and forget, and move on with my life.

  Away from all of them.

  But can I honestly do that?

  Say goodbye to the family I’ve come to know and love.

  All to start again.

  On my own?

  I don’t know.

  I just don’t know.

  ~20~

  NOW – CHANTELLE

  Saskia stares at me.

  Her eyes are locked on mine.

  Then she pulls out a little white stick from her coat pocket and holds it out.

  My heart starts racing and I look up at her. I forgot just before the attack I took that damned test, and that plus sign has tormented me since, especially when Boston was here, and I wanted to scream it out loud, because I was scared, but I couldn’t say anything.

  Then he left.

  He went to Penny.

  He chose Penny.

  So now, I’m here, alone and completely confused, not knowing what it is I should be doing next. Should I tell him? Should I just leave and do it alone, leaving everything behind me. I don’t know, and that part is almost as scary as the fact that I’m growing a little human, and that human belongs to the man I’ve fallen in love with.

  “Did you just find out?” Saskia asks, sitting on the bed.

  We’re finally alone, and I’m suddenly very grateful that she found the test I left on the counter, and nobody else did. If they had, we wouldn’t be sitting here so calmly right about now.

  “Yeah.” I nod. “My period was a few days late, and ... I got that just before I got attacked.”

  Her eyes soften. “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head. “No. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel. I literally know nothing exc
ept that I’m pregnant with the child of a man who doesn’t even know if he wants me. That’s gut wrenching, Sas. It’s literally the worst thing that could happen.”

  She scoots into the bed beside me, tucking herself under the covers so we’re both sitting without backs against the headboard.

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  I shrug. “I don’t even know what I’m going to do. I mean, I’m keeping it of course, but I don’t know if I should tell him or just ... do it on my own.”

  “He has a right to know, Chan ...”

  I look to her, my eyes pleading. “I know that, but if I tell him now, he’ll pick me. He’ll pick me just because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. Please understand, that would kill me. Knowing I’m the choice he made because he had to. What if he wants Penny? What if he’s happier with her? What if I’m taking away his chance at happiness, because I tell him about a baby and he does the right thing?”

  Saskia nods. “Look, I understand, I really do. I just think ... I think he should know. But, you’re right, you should be able to take the time to figure that out. It isn’t my choice, and I’d never say anything. It’s yours. And you have to make what you feel is the best decision.”

  I drop my head. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  Saskia reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “It is happening, though, and we’re going to get through it. I’ve got your back. I won’t leave your side, Chantelle, I’ll help you as much as I can.”

  I squeeze her hand back, because I don’t know what I’d do without her.

  “I didn’t want to say anything with everyone here, but, I’d like to get checked out by a doctor. I know they’re going to ask questions, but ... I need to know the baby is okay.”

  Saskia nods. “I was going to suggest that, too. How about we go to the hospital together?”

  I nod, “That would be good. Where did Malakai and Koda run off too?”

  Saskia shrugs. “I’m not sure. Malakai got a call, and they got out pretty fast. Do you think something happened with Penny?”

  I glance at her. “I don’t know, gosh, I hope not ...”

  She purses her lips. “I’ll ring Mason, find out ... if you like?”